Reflections of Reflections of Exile
by Zoe Walker
Summary: This is the old, original version of "Reflections of Exile". The new and improved version can be found in my stories. Don't read this unless you want spoilers, as many plot points will carry over. But don't trust that everything will be the same in both stories, as many plot points do not.
1. Tobi Has A Bad Day

It was a good day to be Uchiha Obito. The kyubi no kitsune was busy pancaking Konoha, having ripped its way from the breast of sensei's wife (necessary, unfortunate, inevitable). That selfsame sensei, the much vaunted fourth Hokage, was falling before the inexorable power of the mangekyo sharingan. A rasengan had just missed his head by barest centimeters.

Okay, so two out of three isn't bad, Obito reasoned, before a twinge of pain caused him to hesitate, nearly walking right into a hairaishin kunai. Not again!

He'd been plagued, plagued by these random shooting pains through his remaining eye since about ten minutes into the fight! It was throwing him off his game! How was Minato (deluded, betraying fool!) doing it?

Because it certainly wasn't coming from Obito's end. He was nowhere near chakra exhaustion or blindness, and he hadn't started crying blood yet, the telltale signs of mangekyo backlash. No fool he, Obito had extensively tested his kamui prior to the battle, and nothing like this had ever happened!

Admittedly, he'd never used the kamui so often in such a short span of time before, but that shouldn't have made a difference. Madara could use dozens of mangekyo powers in minutes with no ill effects, after all.

Besides, this felt almost like it was coming from the other side of the kamui. But Kakashi (Murderer, monster, oathbreaker) had no idea of the power his eye held, nor any way to use it, not being an Uchiha himself. The only thing capable of accessing the space behind the kamui was Obito's own jutsu, and nothing he'd put in the warp space could cause this!

What was going on?

* * *

In a gaily lit shroud of impenetrable darkness, a prescence floated, eyes glowing red in the eddying light. Before the entity's vigilant gaze, faint ripples spread above it through the scintillating spectrum of featureless grey. Hovering to the left for a closer look, it observed more ripples, bracketing it at right angles, originating from a slightly different point. Curiously, the entity swiped a limb of twilight, tipped with blood, through the center of the disturbance, to no observable effect.

When more ripples radiated out in front of it, the being turned around to keep them in sight, testing the new point of origin with another grasping poke. No change. Puzzled, the being backed off, head cocked, to ponder this phenomenon.

Deliberately, abruptly, the presence was struck by inspiration. Leaving crystalline fragments of churning foam in its ponderous wake, the being agilely sped off, weaving its way through the fragments of babbling reason that surrounded it.

* * *

Back in Konoha, Obito doubled over in sudden agony as several shards of a strange, silvery crystal forced their way from his eye, shattering on the ground before rapidly melting into puddles of liquid darkness. Minato, sporting ninja that he was, and wary of his opponent preparing yet another exotic technique, backed off and gave Obito a chance to recover.

The next time he had the chance, Obito popped into the kamui dimension for a brief check, but he couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. At least, it wasn't any stranger than usual, though he could already feel the sheer unreality of the place wearing at his mind like silky sandpaper. As he swirled his way back to Konoha, two thoughts filled Obito's mind, chasing each other about his bewildered brain: What the heck is happening? And why couldn't it have waited a few days before it happened?!

* * *

Meanwhile, the entity returned to its previous position, a purple-grey orb more solid than even the being itself clutched in one crimson-tipped talon and a cracked mirror held delicately in its heavy, golden beak. Looping a few times around the area to bleed off excited energy, the presence carefully positioned its mirror and brought one great, infernal eye up to the reflective surface. Switching its tail with anticipation, the leviathan carefully touched the orb to the mirror, which ran with bands of color before clearing.

Instead of the entity's own armored visage, the mirror now projected a blonde human, hurling a knife straight at the entity, as a vortex of grey overlaid the image.

* * *

In Konoha, a hairaishin kunai hit Obito just as he began pulling himself into the kamui. Namikaze Minato vanished in a flash of light.

* * *

The mirror shattered. From where the tool had once sat, a wave of concussive force blasted out, knocking the entity back. It let out a world-shaking cry of surprise and dismay, nearly losing its grip on its precious orb.

Carefully transferring the priceless bauble to a surer grip, the presence sorrowfully regarded the space its mirror had recently occupied. Sure, the orb was irreplaceable, but it had been fond of that mirror, and now it would need a new one, and that just wouldn't be quite the same. What the heck was happening out there in the lower planes, that it would affect this world so?

* * *

Namikaze Minato and Uchiha Obito staggered backwards, both quite perplexed. Neither of them had done anything that hadn't been done many times throughout their duel. Minato had teleported, as had Obito. Nothing out of the ordinary for them.

And yet, now the world roiled and bubbled, like the surface of water brought to a vigorous boil, as an unearthly cry echoed through the woods, chilling the bones of both men. Still, ninja battles wait for no one, and both men picked themselves up and renewed hostilities, all the while trying to figure out exactly how their opponent had pulled that off, and why?

* * *

Out in Konoha proper, the nine-tailed demon fox paused for a moment as a sound cut through his genjutsu-induced haze, raising his hackles and prickling that persistent itch at the base of his tails. That howl seemed awfully familiar.

The great fox could swear he had heard it somewhere before... Not a biju, like himself, but something still worthy of respect. A spirit? No, a kami? Maybe... Definitely important, but he just couldn't quite remember! It was on the tip of his tongue. Where had he heard that before?

Then the small human that smelled of monkeys slammed the fox's head into the ground with a huge stick, and the fox lost himself in dreams of destruction yet again.

* * *

Separated by a quick teleport after yet another brief clash, Minato and Tobi were halted from yet another exchange of blows by a second world-shaking disturbance. And this time, clearly neither was doing anything to cause it. Neither Tobi's reality-warping eye nor Minato's seals were anywhere near it. So who?

The two ninja watched, conflict momentarily forgotten, as the warp lengthened, and extended, before a single, scarlet claw forced its way through the rift. Then another, and another, and another, and they began to pull.

With another grating howl, the warp was forced wide, allowing the entity to float slowly through. Star and firelight glinted off its golden armor, while its crimson-tipped limbs floated behind the being's bulk. Towering over even the great Hashirama trees, the being hovered easily over the rough terrain, seemingly ignorant of the effects of gravity.

As the ninja watched in paralyzed shock, the being slowly, carefully lowered its great head to examine each of them with a single eye, the glowing irises as tall as the men they observed. After a few moments of intense, unblinking scrutiny, the entity was seemingly satisfied. For now, at least. It raised its head...

And met a bijudama coming the other way.

* * *

It was a terrible day to be Uchiha Obito. Far from the triumphant vengeance he had anticipated, he now stood beside his former sensei, conflict subsumed by the numbing shock that blanketed his mind. And things had been going so well, too!

As a thick beam of brilliant, purple energy from the throat of the creature clashed with a burst of black energy from the fox demon's gaping maw, Obito wracked his brains for what, what had gone wrong? And what was that thing that had clawed its way from beyond the kamui? The Uchiha had always assumed that the place the kamui brought him to was a private space only accessible through his unique eyes. But if monsters like that called the dimension home, then - Did the fox's claws just pass through that thing with no effect?!

Right then, as he carefully sidled off, Obito vowed that he was never, ever going to use the kamui again! For all he knew, the being he had called was one of the weak ones! Even powerful space-time ninjutsu wasn't worth the risks...

* * *

Even if his mind and senses weren't totally occupied by the clash of titans before him, Namikaze Minato had bigger problems than one ninja, no matter how powerful. Now, a biju was fighting a creature of apparently equal power, and devastating Konoha in the process. Not with purpose, but as collateral damage. Minato was only mostly sure he could stop the fox, if he sacrificed his life in the process. But if he did, who would stop the rift creature? Jiraiya-sensei was out of town, and no one else in Konoha's service had the necessary sealing skills! He didn't even know what that thing was! But maybe he knew someone who did...

Minato ran his thumb along the side of his face, picking up a little blood from where he'd torn his lip after the strange, white-masked ninja had punched him in the face. The Hokage froze for a few seconds, concentrating on the world around him, and absorbed just enough natural chakra for his purposes. Minato was by no means anywhere near mastering senjutsu, but he knew the theory and just enough of the basics to summon his teachers when he had time to train. After all, one needs to use sage chakra if one wants to summon the great toad sages.

"Minato-boy? What are you doing summoning us?" Fukasaku, the male sage, croaked at the blonde ninja, "Shouldn't you be defending Konoha against the fox? You don't have time to be jabbering with us!"

"We're flattered you think so highly of us, really we are," Shima, his wife, added, "But without a human sage to team up with, the two of us won't be much good against a biju. Prehaps if young Jiraiya was here... But, you are not ready! You'd turn to stone, boy."

Minato responded by firmly palming the head of each of the honored sages, and forcibly turning them to face the battle taking place in the smoking crater that was once Konoha. Fukasaku's protests over the disrespect died as he choked on his pipe, while Shima made a strangled noise deep in her throat.

"What? When... How?" Shima sputtered, eyes wide, "What did you do, Minato?"

"A man in a white mask attacked the village. He ripped the nine-tails out of Kushina. We fought," Minato explained shortly, "And then that showed up! The demon fox blasted it in the back, and they started fighting. Do you know what it is? How I can beat it, or at least drive it off?"

"If I wasn't staring at it right now, I wouldn't believe my eyes," Fukasaku worried at his cloak with both hands, voice faint with awe and fear. His pipe lay forgotten by his feet. " You, Minato-boy, have either the best or the worst luck I have ever heard of. How you managed to attract the attention of the Dragon of Symmetry... I didn't think it existed."

"That thing is a dragon?" Though now that they mentioned it, Minato could see the resemblance. The serpentine body, the flight, the gouts of energy erupting from its mouth, and the wing-like tendrils extending from its body looked sort of like what dragons were described as, in the really old stories. It wasn't exact, but oral histories are unreliable at the best of times. "So how can I beat it? A weakness in the old legends? Or can it be sealed like a biju?"

"Seal it? The audacity... It technically could work, I suppose, but I can't imagine what vessel or seal could possibly hope contain it," Shima analyzed, "And if the legends, passed down from the time of the sage of the six paths are true... It is the Dragon of Symmetry, of balance. Were it to be imprisoned, something terrible would happen to the world. This dragon is no mere biju, mighty yet still a part of this world. It is... something more. And something less. It's very existence is a contradiction!"

"So then what can I do?" Minato pleaded, "Please, give me something, anything! I can't let Konoha be destroyed!"

"If the legends can be trusted, the dragons of creation are not unreasoning creatures," Fukasaku offered uncertainly, "While the Dragon of Symmetry is said to be the quickest to anger, and the longest to hold a grudge, it can be negotiated with. Assuming you have not done anything to earn its enmity, you might be able to talk it into leaving peacefully once the fox is dealt with. Faint hope, I know, but it is all I can offer you."

* * *

Namikaze Minato was dying. He knew he should be concerned about that, fighting for every second of life with his son, with Naruto, who he had doomed to life as the demon fox's living prison. But setting up a sealing ritual capable of containing the most physically powerful of the biju on a battlefield of gods, watching his beloved wife sacrifice the last of her life to give him the chance he needed, and shielding Naruto from the fox's desperate final strike with his own body had left Minato feeling... empty.

Maybe it was the internal injuries talking, or the fact that his entire body below the waist was no longer attached to the rest of him, or the unearthly dragon hovering before him that Minato somehow had to convince to not annihilate Konoha and Naruto before he died of his crippling wounds and chakra exhaustion and summoning the shinigami. Any one of these would have killed Minato. All of them together...

Yet, the duty of the Hokage was to defend the village and it's people, all it's people, with everything he had to give. And Namikaze Minato, the fourth Hokage, still had a few words left.

"Hey, Lord Dragon?" Minato respectfully projected as best he could. Fortunately, his lungs seemed to be intact. Now all he had to do was ignore the excruciating pain and how he'd much rather spend his final minutes saying goodbye to Naruto. "If you could not destroy the village and just go back to wherever you came from, that would be fantastic."

Much to the crippled Hokage's surprise, he actually got a response. One of the great, red-clawed tendrils snaked its way down and touched him on the forehead, and suddenly Minato felt great! In fact, he felt better than he had since before the third great ninja war, well rested and healthy and whole. Then, he sat up on fresh legs and saw his dismembered body lying next to him. Oh.

And now the dragon was in a silent staredown with the shinigami himself. Well, if Minato hadn't been already dead, and his soul already sold to the death god, he might be worried about that. Except that that particular contract was apparently not as airtight as the ninja had believed.

With a distinctly petulant swish of its robe, the shinigami, the god of death himself, actually backed down from the dragon's glowing gaze. With no words exchanged, not even much in the way of movement, the dragon had convinced the shinigami to back down! Minato had evidently interested a much bigger fish than even Fukasaku had believed. He wasn't anything like certain of the hierarchy of the gods, but he figured the patron of death had to be pretty powerful and prestigious. Yet the dragon had just casually browbeaten the shinigami into submission like it was nothing.

And now it was turning back to him. Well, his spirit, anyway. The dragon's golden beak opened along a vertical seam, revealing the mouth behind. Minato was uncomfortably reminded that the dragon's mouth was large enough to fit him several times over, and then it spoke. Huh, so the sages were right about that part at least.

 **"Namikaze Minato,"** The dragon actually dipped its head slightly as it spoke his name, the depth of the bow suggesting that it was addressing a respected inferior. Though the dragon's voice had sent chills down a living Minato's spine, the spirit Minato heard a very different tone. Though its voice filled the air with the weight of its immense presence, it also spread fingers of warmth through the dead man, filling him with things he'd thought he'd left behind the day his mother had joined his father on the memorial stone. How a dragon the size of the Hokage monument that had terrified him moments earlier managed to convey home and safe and kin just by saying his name was mystifying to the former Hokage. Then, his keen observational skills honed in on where the great dragon hovered above the burning ground.

Specifically, he saw how the flames passed through the dragon's body without burning it, or interacting in any way. Could it possibly be that this dragon... was a ghost? The spirit remnant of some greater kami, as he was what remained of Minato? Well, that explained how it had phased through most of the fox demon's attacks...

"Lord dragon," Minato reciprocated, bowing deeply in respect, "It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance." He lost nothing by being polite, after all.

 **"Well met, Namikaze Minato,"** the dragon rumbled, **"I am Giratina, lady of symmetry. You do not know me, nor my brothers. The old tales have been lost."**

"There are more of you?" Minato asked. He was pretty surprised that the dragon was apparently female, but long experience with Tsunade and Kushina suggested that he should just accept it and move on. After all, Fukasaku had said that Giratina was quick to anger and never forgot a grudge. Still, if there were other dragon gods out there he felt like he ought to know.

 **"There are none like me,"** the ancient dragon assured him smugly, **"But my brothers are responsible for stabilizing space and time. With the powers you and the masked man displayed, it is thanks to them that your battle did not end three weeks ago, in Kumo."**

Ouch. Minato made a note to start praying more, though he wasn't sure what he could do. After all, the dead can't go to a shrine and ask a priest about gods no one's ever heard of...

"Why did you save me from the shinigami?" Questioned the former Hokage, "I sold him my soul for services rendered. I was perfectly content to go to my fate." Once he'd kept Giratina from finishing off the village, which now seemed like it wasn't going to happen.

 **"I am the sovereign of all ghosts. That dusty old sliver of Darkrai's power cannot supersede my claim,"** the dragon declared, **"I... appropriated your contract from it. Your battle with the masked man sent disturbances through my home in the distortion world. It is clear to me that isolating myself from the affairs of the lower realms was a mistake. One I now seek to rectify. But the world has changed much since my last visit. You will advise me in these matters."**

"Uh, okay," What was Minato going to do, argue with the ghost kami that owned his soul? "Wait, what about Kushina? And the other people who died during the attack? Shouldn't their ghosts be around here too?"

 **"They have already moved on,"** the dragon stated, **"Your unfinished business and my power anchored you to this world in your current form. The others departed hours ago. If she is willing, though, I may be able to reunite you with your wife at a later time."**

"So you don't plan on finishing off what's left of Konoha?" Minato confirmed. Having spoken with Giratina, he was pretty sure she didn't intend to go on a rampage, but it was best to be certain.

 **"I have done this village a great wrong in my anger,"** she solemnly confirmed, **"It is beyond my power to restore the fallen to life or to rebuild what I have destroyed, but I would make amends where I can."**

"Well, then let's stick around for a few days," the former Hokage suggested, "Maybe we'll find something we can do to help. Assuming you can keep from being noticed. If you stick around you'll probably get attacked by the survivors..."

* * *

It turned out that Giratina could render herself invisible to living eyes. And float through walls. And masquerade as a purple-haired human with red eyes. And Minato could do the ghostly infiltrator thing too, though he couldn't make himself visible. Kami and man had walked all over the village, observing the aftermath of the disaster.

As Minato expected, old Sarutobi Hiruzen, the third Hokage, took up the office once again. The old man did a very good job, for the most part. But his treatment of Naruto...

Hiruzen kept Naruto's parentage secret, for which Minato was thankful. If hidden stone had known that Minato had a son... Naruto wouldn't have lived out the year, if the Tsuchikage had to sacrifice half his village to make it happen, and Konoha was in no condition to fend off an invasion.

But, the old Hokage also told everyone that Naruto was the living prison of the nine-tailed fox. Didn't Sarutobi know how jinchuriki were treated at the best of times? Much less when their prisoner had just killed a good fifth of the village. At least he'd realized his mistake a few days later, and decreed that none of the village children should be told. Naruto might be able to make a few friends his age.

And putting him in the orphanage? Well, whichever clan managed to adopt poor Naruto would doubtlessly use their possession of the jinchuriki as a hefty political card, so Minato couldn't really blame Hiruzen for that, either. The man was old, and tired, and grieving his wife and countless subordinates. The greatest curse of the Hokage was always that it was your responsibility to save everyone, yet you never truly could.

He couldn't even blame Kakashi, his surviving student, for failing to take Naruto in. Oh, he had at first, but a few hours of observation shed additional light on the situation. Kakashi was broken. You wouldn't see it unless you knew him very well, but losing his teammates and sensei, his entire social circle, to war and the demon had shattered the child soldier like brittle glass. The man could barely care for himself, let alone an infant.

But Minato was dead. No matter how much he might like to, he would never again touch the living world. There was nothing he could do.

Giratina, though, was under no such limitations. Of course, the dragon couldn't stick around all the time. Her very presence could have... unpredictable effects on the living after long periods of exposure, and anyway, she couldn't spend that long outside the distortion world. And she had already spent a potentially unhealthy amount of time around baby Naruto, ensuring that he stayed safe until things settled down. Naruto's Uzumaki constitution and demon-powered immune system would probably protect him from the dragon's ghostly aura, though.

Still, Giratina had a debt to pay. To Konoha and to Minato. And though she was not being coerced, this time, Giratina hated feeling beholden to anyone. If she was inclined to serve, well, it was unlikely that she would be a ghost type. Or consigned to exile in the distortion world.

Plus, that kid was pretty cute. For a human. And a nice kid like that most certainly did not deserve to be treated like he was, even if it was actually better than how most other villages treated their living prisons.

Giratina, the renegade kami, knew all about being a pariah. And though she had chosen her path, she would not wish even a pale reflection of her burden on anyone else.

Even Giratina could not see what the future would bring (that was Dialga's job, after all), but Uzumaki Naruto was clearly set up for a life of hardship and adversity from the day he was born. Surely there was something she could do to help with the trials ahead...

* * *

A few weeks later after Giratina and her new vassal returned to the distortion world, a massive, ornate scroll appeared on the Hokage's desk. After reading it, and the attached letter, Sarutobi Hiruzen promptly sealed it away in the Scroll of Kinjutsu, filled with techniques deemed too dangerous or immoral for use. He then made a beeline for the nearest bar, and proceeded to spend the rest of the day, and the next day, and the day after that, very very drunk. Upon reading the letter, having heard about the demon's attack and finally made it back home, Jiraiya joined him. As the message instructed, they would take the contents of that letter to their graves.


	2. Life Lessons With Auntie G

By the time he turned seven years old, ready to enter the Konoha Ninja Academy, Uzumaki Naruto had already learned many important lessons that would serve him well in the years to come.

The first lesson he learned was simple, but would leave deep marks on the young boy's personality: Most people didn't like Uzumaki Naruto. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, for the moment at least. He'd tried being nice. He'd tried not being nice. He'd tried pranking them. He'd tried not pranking them (and in hindsight he probably should have done that first). He'd tried acting every way he'd seen other kids act, and all the stuff he'd seen adults do that he'd understood. Nothing had worked.

So until he could find something that did work, Naruto had to be content with the few people who liked him already, like old man Hokage, and uncle Jiraiya, and Sakura, and Hokori the snake, and auntie G.

The second lesson Naruto learned was that he needed to become the Hokage. After all, everybody liked the Hokage. Whenever he showed up somewhere, even if it was the crotchety old grocer near Naruto's apartment who never let Naruto buy anything, everyone was happy to see the Hokage. And they did whatever he said!

So, if Naruto wanted everybody to like him, the best way was to become the Hokage. Then people would treat him like that!

The third lesson was perhaps the hardest for a young Naruto to understand, but it changed him in ways that only the first lesson could match. Being Hokage was more than just having the admiration and respect of everybody in the village, Naruto realized. You also had to care about everybody in the village. Even if they didn't like you.

When old man Hokage told him this, and Jiraya confirmed it a week later, it didn't really sink in. After all, Naruto wasn't sure he wanted to care about people who didn't care if he lived or died. And Auntie G thought caring about people who hated you was stupid. Hokori the snake, being a snake, had no opinion on the subject. All he ever said was 'dratini', which was kind of strange. But he was a cute snake, so that was ok.

Sakura was the one who'd convinced Naruto in the end. He was walking home one day when he chanced on her, surrounded by other girls. They had Sakura in tears by talking about her large forehead, which mystified the young boy. After all, if you have a big forehead, doesn't that mean you have room for a big brain? And wouldn't that make you smarter? Isn't that a good thing?

Actually, once he'd thought about it, Naruto wished he had a big forehead too. So he said so. And he didn't back down. Because once the Hokage says something in public, it happens. There's no going back. Even if it was to somebody important from somewhere else and you regretted it later.

So Naruto had to mean everything he said too. It was good practice, and he was inclined to be stubborn anyway, so it worked. And when he saved Sakura she didn't hate him anymore!

And that in turn led Naruto to his fourth lesson: If he saved people from stuff, sooner or later they would want to be his friend. That was how it worked! The Hokage protects everybody in the village. And so, everybody wants to be the Hokage's friend! It was obvious! So in the mean time, he had to become a ninja so he could protect as many people as he could and thus make as many friends as possible without being Hokage. After all, people who wanted to be his friend without being saved first, like old man Hokage, uncle Jiraiya, and auntie G, were rare. So Naruto had to do the rest himself.

Naruto's fifth lesson? His auntie G was awesome! And kinda scary and strange, but that was okay, because she was just so nice to him. And she was around so much!

Old man Hokage was always around, sure, but he was busy being the Hokage, and that was a lot of work. He could never talk for long, or spare as much time as he or Naruto wanted. But Naruto understood. Being the Hokage was a big res-pon-si-bil-i-ty, and the Hokage can't go back on his word and stop doing his job even when he wants to.

Uncle Jiraiya was cool too, but he only came every few months, and at seemingly random times. He would give birthday presents months late, though they were good presents, really. Naruto still used that frog wallet, and his beloved copy of _Tales of a Gutsy Shinobi_ had fallen apart after the thirtieth reading. Fortunately, old man Hokage knew someone who could fix books. And didn't question the claw marks from when auntie G read it to Naruto that one time.

But auntie G came every weekend, and sometimes more often if it was a special day. And that was awesome, and so was she, even if she was strange. After all, she insisted she wasn't a ninja, but she totally was!

When they went out together, only the really good ninjas could even see her. Like those Uchiha police guys and those Hyuga. Everybody knew they were great ninjas, and some of them could. Of course, they always flinched and then left as fast as was polite when they did see her, but that just meant they couldn't stand the awesome.

And crow mask guy and dog mask guy could see her too. Naruto knew they could because they fell off the side of his apartment building the first time they did. He hadn't seen them since, but he felt like they were still around. After all, great ninjas like auntie G were only seen when they wanted to be, and Naruto bet the mask guys knew that ninja skill too.

Auntie G certainly didn't look like a civilian, if you could see her. She had wild purple hair, and this big gold collar, and her eyes were red and glowed in the dark when she tucked him in at night and she had a spooky, spooky voice that made something in his stomach twitch and she was so cool! And she would take him out around the village and tell awesome stories about crazy weird animals with ninja powers and actually listen to what he had to say. Sakura didn't listen very well, 'cause she always thought she was right.

To be fair, she often _was_ , but it was still kinda annoying, not that Naruto was going to say that. Jiraiya never listened either, 'cause he always thought he was right too. But he wasn't nearly as often as Sakura, and he kept disappearing and turning up hours later at the hot springs covered in cuts and bruises. Naruto figured this was because Jiraiya had a smaller forehead, so he wasn't as smart. After all, if you keep going to a place when you know you'll get hurt, that's pretty dumb, right?

Auntie G also got him Hokori (Dusty in Japanese) the snake, named because he had to slither around in the dirt because he didn't have legs and 'Dirty' seemed like a less nice name. Hokori wasn't much like other snakes. For one thing, he was blue. For another, he had a big head, with fins where his ears were, and a big, white nose. Also, he could make noises, but only squeaks or saying 'dratini'.

The Inuzuka vet Naruto had talked to had been quite mystified, especially by the last fact, as snakes don't have vocal cords, and so should only be able to hiss. Hokori was also really smart for a snake. Naruto was pretty sure other snakes couldn't learn to fetch, or poop in a litter box, or any of the other tricks Hokori picked up really fast.

Auntie G said that that way when she couldn't be around, Hokori could keep Naruto company, which was great, because he was cute and friendly and smart and very, very huggable. Suffice to say, Hokori didn't live up to his name very often, as he would usually hitch a ride on Naruto's head or shoulder. He also helped with those bullies that one time by wrapping around the biggest boy's eyes so he couldn't see while Naruto and Sakura tripped the older child, which made Naruto think that Hokori might be even smarter than he acted.

But that was okay, because this was a ninja village. Everybody had secrets. If Hokori wanted some too, Naruto couldn't blame him for that. The snake rarely left Naruto's side.

Today, though, was the bestest day ever, as far as Naruto was concerned, because today was the day that he got to enter the Konoha Ninja Academy, his first step toward becoming Hokage. And everybody was here!

Old man Hokage had to be here, of course, to greet the new ninjas. Sakura was here because she wanted to be a ninja too, like her best friends Naruto and Yamanaka Ino. And Hokori had to be here, because he was always with Naruto and Naruto was here. But auntie G and uncle Jiraiya were here too, standing on either side of him.

Uncle Jiraiya had this goofy grin on his face, like he hadn't had a happier day in years. Or maybe whoever kept beating him up at the hot springs had just hit him really hard on the head. It was hard to tell with uncle Jiraiya.

As for auntie G, he could only see part of her face over that gold collar she always wore, and she wasn't a very expressive person to begin with. He thought she looked happy. And maybe proud? It was hard to tell.

But if Naruto closed his eyes and pretended really hard, just for a few minutes, it was almost like he had a real mommy and daddy standing behind him, like almost everybody else did. Even if his daddy couldn't see his mommy, which made him wonder if uncle Jiraiya was as good of a ninja as he claimed to be. After all, all the really strong ninjas could see her. Like those Hyuga over there.

Aaaaand yep, cue choke, flinch, and cold sweat, just like clockwork. But then auntie G said something she'd already made him promise to never repeat, 'cause the new Hyuga student and her baby sister took one look at auntie G and broke down sobbing. Crap.

"Uh, what do we do?" Naruto asked, watching the crying girls with wide eyes, "You gotta make it better, auntie!" Naruto was firmly of the belief that auntie G could make anything better. And as he said her name uncle Jiraiya's smile turned kinda flat and he started looking around, but uncle Jiraiya made funny faces a lot, especially when he saw Naruto talking to auntie G.

 **"If it is truly important to you, you should do something yourself. Else, let their father handle it. That is his responsibility, after all."** Auntie G always talked like she didn't really care, but then she acted like she did. This confused Naruto for a while, but old man Hokage helped him understand.

Some people had trouble admitting they liked stuff, so they'd act all prickly 'cause they didn't realize how much they really cared. Usually, it was because they'd been alone for so long they didn't know what to do now that they weren't. Old man Hokage said that auntie G had probably been alone for a really long time, like Naruto would have been if not for her and uncle Jiraiya and old man Hokage and Sakura.

Old man Hokage was so smart and wise, maybe even smarter than Sakura. Naruto hoped he didn't have to be that smart and wise to be Hokage. He didn't think he could pull it off. Of course, he also didn't understand why auntie G was so reluctant to help. "But you're, like, really good at this! And they won't want my help!"

 **"They took one look at me and started crying. You could not possibly do worse than I,"** Auntie G told him firmly, **"So go help. Indulge your urge to save people from the world."** Her next words were in a fainter, bitter tone, that Naruto wouldn't have heard even if he wasn't already threading his way though the crowd, Hokori bouncing on his head. **"Give yourself the chance I never had."**

* * *

"Hey, don't talk like that. Life cannot possibly be as bad as you make it out to be. Half the world would commit seppuku just to get away from it all." Raising the eyes of her human guise, Giratina traced the arm around her shoulder to a white, fire-trimmed coat supporting a mop of yellow hair. Turning her head slightly, the dragoness slammed an infernal glare laced with all the bitter fatalism of billions of years of exile into the side of the ghost's head, where it bounced off his cheery grin to no effect.

"The other half would be the obnoxious optimists like us dattebane," the ghost to Giratina's other side elaborated, digging a friendly elbow into her ribs, "And the really hard headed types like you and our son, of course."

 **"I made my choice long ago, the only one that truly mattered. I ascended. I touched the heavens. I fell. I was content in my exile,"** Giratina whispered, **"But now, I have seen and felt what I sacrificed so long ago, and I find myself wondering what might have been."** The dragoness allowed her human eyes to close, nestling her head into the collar so like her true form's beak in a vain attempt to conceal her emotions. She might have not showed anything on the human image she wore, but the fourth Hokage was not that easy to deceive.

"Well, I freely admit that the circumstances are less than ideal, but I for one am glad you got to see some of the material world with my son," Minato comforted, giving the shapeshifted kami a squeeze that practically buried her slight form in his billowing trench coat. How did it billow when wind passed through him? Minato chalked it up as one of the great mysteries of the universe. "And speaking of which, both my wife and I are ever so grateful for what you've done for Naruto. Especially since exchange seems to have gone both ways."

"Besides, stuck in the distortion world for billions of years with just your mirror trick and a few visits a century from your brothers and that pink cat thing, whatsitcalled, Mew?" The other human ghost, Uzumaki Kushina, punctuated her statement with a theatrical yet heartfelt shudder, "I'm amazed you stayed sane. The fresh air and new sights are doing you good."

 **"Your words are kind, but the danger is great. If Arceus discovers that I have been circumventing my punishment, he will not be so understanding,"** The dragon kami's stance filled with tension and she seemed to shrink inward as she spoke, **"My father likes his creations to believe he is kind and full of mercy, but I am the enduring remnant of what he considers his greatest and only mistake. My every visit puts Naruto in grave danger."**

"What? Based on what you've said about him, it seems out of character for Arceus to murder anyone in cold blood unless the universe itself is at risk," Minato analyzed, "Where's the motivation?"

 **"He killed me. The first and greatest of his creations, his only daughter. He told me he would love me always. Then he ripped my soul from my body while my brothers stood in silence and cast me out of the perfect world he created, always to watch, never again to be,"** Giratina's human form wavered like a heat mirage, but she took a deep breath with simulated lungs and with titanic effort reigned in her emotions. **"Even were my banishment lifted this day, I will never again experience the true beauty of what creation has to offer. I will never feel the air rush past my talons in glorious flight, sport with my brothers in the open sky, summon the fires of creation themselves and mark the universe with the sheer joy of my existence! Arceus has his perfect world now. There is no place for imperfect beings."**

"So if you're such a terrible danger to Naruto and everyone around, and things were so much better before, then answer me this dattebane!" Kushina interjected triumphantly, "Why do you keep coming back?"

Giratina's eyes lit up the shadows gathering about her like a heavy cloak, sending icy fingers down the spines of even those who could not see her in any form. **"By the end, you and your son will likely wish I had not."**

* * *

Meanwhile, Naruto approached the Hyuga family, already wracking his brains for anything he could do to help the obviously terrified girls. It would sure have helped to know what Hyuga saw when they looked at auntie G. Sure, she looked kinda scary to Naruto too, but the good kind of scary like when dog mask guy arrested that crazy dude who broke into Naruto's apartment. Dog mask guy was plenty scary, but he was between you and the other scary stuff, which made him a good kind of scary.

So what did he do? Well, maybe auntie G was right and he should let their father do it, but the guy didn't seem to be helping much. He looked really distracted, kinda jiggling the baby in his arms a little and muttering at the older girl while he stared into the distance. That seemed to work well enough for the baby, but not for the older sister.

What could he do? He'd never tried to calm someone down before. Auntie G, uncle Jiraiya, and old man Hokage never needed it, and the only time Sakura had, he'd saved her from some mean older kids and that had been enough.

But, he couldn't save the Hyuga girl and make everything better that way, because he didn't know what to save her from. Well, Hokori always made Naruto feel better... Girls liked cute things, right?

"Hey, hey! Hyuga girl! I'm Naruto! Nice to meet you!" Not waiting for a response, Naruto unwound the clingy snake and thrust him close to the girl's face, much to the surprise of girl and snake. "Wanna see my snake?"

Naruto stared at the girl. Hokori stared at the girl. The girl went cross-eyed to keep Hokori in sight. Hokori electrocuted Naruto.

In his excitement, Naruto had swung the poor Pokemon around quite vigorously, and squeezed him rather harder than intended. Hokori had tried to wriggle out of the uncomfortable grasp, but to no avail. Acting off of instincts rarely needed before in the young dratini's fairly peaceful life, the dragon reached for the tiny spark of raw power inside of him and pulled just a little bit of it to the surface, sending a disabling current through his captor.

Fortunately for Naruto, Hokori was neither an electric type nor anywhere near the power even a mature dratini possesses. And thunder wave is both the least powerful of all electric moves and not actually meant to cause permanent harm. Giratina carefully chose Naruto's partner/pet as the most child-friendly of the dragons and ghosts she ruled. A goomy had also been a possibility, but through no fault of their own they ooze slime on everything they touch. Naruto's personal hygiene was already questionable at best.

So until he got a lot bigger and stronger, Hokori wasn't actually capable of hurting Naruto even if he wanted to, and the small dragon would have been horrified at the thought of attacking the human he'd grown up with. But, being startled, distressed, and only ten years old himself, Hokori also had no way to resist the instincts that demanded he respond to a potentially dangerous situation with violence.

Sure he was small and scared and more than slightly queasy, but he was still a dragon! His flight instincts only extended as far as learning to fly once he evolved and retreating from ice and fairy types until he learned a steel move. And so, Naruto got zapped.

Naruto's muscles spasmed before locking up, releasing Hokori, and the immobilized boy teetered before falling onto his side with a faint thunk. Now free, and more than slightly concerned for his friend, Hokori slithered up to the paralyzed blonde. Making worried squeaks, the Pokemon prodded Naruto with his nose.

Having only fought once before by blinding a bully years ago, Hokori neither realized he knew thunder wave nor recognized what it was. All he knew was that he'd been afraid, and then all the blood rushed to his head and Naruto was left twitching on the ground. Unsure of what to do but hoping to help, the dragon coiled up on Naruto's head, making comforting noises.

* * *

"That thing just electrocuted my son dattebane! What the hell were you thinking giving him something that dangerous?!"

 **"It is just thunder wave. Besides, it will wear off in a few minutes. He will be fine. Probably."**

* * *

Sure enough, a few minutes later Naruto regained enough motor control to climb shakily to his feet. By this point, the Hyuga girls had long since been steered away from Naruto. The Hyuga hadn't liked him even before he snuck orange dye into their hot water boiler one night and gave the entire clan an impromptu makeover with their morning showers. However, Naruto had something more important on his mind than the absent family.

"Hokori!" the boy cried out in glee, hugging the bemused dratini close, "I didn't know you were a ninja snake! This is great! Now we can be ninjas together!"

Naturally, since Naruto was only quiet when ANBU or the Konoha military police were after him, everyone who might possibly be interested in the blonde's comment heard it.

* * *

"Ninja snake? I must have misheard. Unless Anko reproduced...?" A spectacled genin filing student profiles in the next room over slapped his cheeks to drive out some vaguely disturbing thoughts, before carefully straightening his glasses again. "No, not a chance. Still, I ought to make time to speak with the Uzumaki boy. It never hurts to be careful after all."

* * *

"You believe the Uchiha boy and the Hyuga girl to be your greatest competition? Understandable deductions, son, but ultimately flawed," A heavily dressed man 'told' the similarly-attired boy leaning on the wall next to him. Verbal communication with other Aburame both needlessly wasted time and could be listened in on. It was much more efficient to send pheromone signals between the colonies of kikaichu beetles nesting within father and son. "Why? Observe the Uzumaki boy."

Though his sunglasses hid where his eyes roamed, the smaller Aburame indeed focused on Naruto for a few minutes. "Uzumaki? I do not see what you do, father. The only remarkable thing about him is his snake, which does not seem to do much. Even an Inuzuka dog of that size would be more useful. Aside from that... His mannerisms are rather amusing."

"You look, Shino, but you do not see," the older beetle master stated, "The Uzumaki acts the fool very well, but that snake is no mere exotic animal. That is a summon, permanently bonded to this world in a massive exertation of trust and chakra. The summon clan that supplied him trusted the Uzumaki enough to bind one of their number to our world to watch over the boy. In exchange for being able to stay nearby at all times, the summon loses the ability to return to their home when badly wounded."

This revelation stunned Shino into 'silence' for a few seconds. One of the reasons that summons didn't mind being called into dangerous situations was that they would teleport back to their native realm when their lives were in critical danger, meaning they almost never died in service of their summoner. A summon willingly binding itself to stay permanently, and experience all the dangers of ninja life alongside its master, was practically unheard of! But...

"What possible reason would a summon clan have to trust Naruto so greatly?" Safely concealed behind his coat's collar, Shino allowed puzzlement to cross his face, "He just narrowly avoided injuring the summon by falling on it. Whenever he goes out catching fireflies and caterpillars, he forgets to feed them and they die within days!" And that was just awful.

"He has fooled you, son, as he has fooled nearly everyone here. Lord Jiraiya and Lord Hokage have seen his true self," the older man explained, "But not as deeply as the civilian girl there." Shino's father indicated a slight, pink-haired girl who looked like she would drop out within months. "Why? They look and act the fool to masterfully conceal their true strength. I have observed them passing coded messages through body language across this crowded room. The Uzumaki boy has already taught his young summon a useful lightning jutsu. He is seven, and he already understands enough of elemental jutsu, a skill usually only seen in skilled chunin and jonin, to teach one to another who cannot use hand seals to control the jutsu. Only Uchiha Itachi, Hatake Kakashi, and Sarutobi Hiruzen have shown such potential before. So keep a close eye out, son, and befriend him if you can. Uzumaki Naruto could be the greatest ally you ever acquire, your own colony exempted."

"Understood, father."

* * *

"Kami, is he actually trying to attract attention? He's going to get himself killed the first time he steps out of the gates!"

 **"The academy will beat the worst of it from him by the time he graduates if they have any competence at all. If they cannot, Jiraiya has survived fifty years with similar habits."**

"Wow, your kid has a lot of growing up to do dattebane. And I though you were a dork in the academy, Minato"

" _My_ kid? You're just as culpable as- Wait, you really thought that? I thought Mikoto was just messing with my head!"

"Well, she probably was..."

* * *

"Hey, uh, Naruto, right?" The living Uzumaki spun around at the tap on his shoulder to stare into a pair of slit, yellow eyes topping a friendly, fanged grin. "Did you say you have a ninja snake? That's awesome! I've seen loads of ninja dogs, but I've never seen a ninja snake before! Can I see him?"

"Uh, do I know you?" Naruto wasn't usually inclined to be paranoid or intentionally rude, but other people simply did not start conversations with him. It never happened. Never.

"Oh, sorry. I'm Inuzuka Kiba! Of the Inuzuka clan!" The other boy didn't seem fazed by the chilly response, "I just got excited that there's someone else with a ninja animal in the class. I thought the Inuzuka were the only ones in Konoha who did that. Well, aside from the Aburame, but just between you and me, they're kind of gross."

"Uzumaki Naruto dattebayo!" Naruto enthusiastically introduced himself, then slumped his shoulders. "Dangit. Another for the change jar." Auntie G insisted that he learn to speak properly, or she would be Displeased. When Naruto did things that made auntie G Displeased, he had the privilage of donating a little of his allowance to the change jar. If he ever managed to go six months without saying anything that made her Displeased, though, he'd get the money back. And there was no point in trying to hide it, because she'd _know_.

Still mourning the loss of some of his hard-won cash, Naruto unwound his snake from his arm and held the animal up for inspection, careful to be much more gentle than before. "This is Hokori. He's an awesome snake! He can zap people!"

"You named him 'Dust'? Really? What kind of name is that for a ninja snake?" Kiba snickered, "That's not cool at all! Huh. I've never seen a snake like that. I guess the rest of him makes up for the name."

"Hey! I was like three, okay? And now that he knows it's his name, he won't respond to anything else!" Fortunately for the boys budding friendship, Naruto was easily distracted, in this case by a tail slipping out from under Kiba's shirt. "Uh, can I see your dog?"

"Sure!" Kiba reached under his shirt and pulled out a small, fuzzy, brown puppy, cradling him carefully with both hands. "This is Akamaru! He's little now, but someday he's gonna be even bigger than your snake, and we're gonna be the best ninjas ever together!"

"You mean the best ninjas aside from me and Hokori," Naruto corrected. Obviously, Kiba was wrong, and they couldn't both be the best ninjas. It didn't work like that.

"You! Jerk!" Kiba growled, or at least he tried to. It came out as more of a squeak, so he tried to regain his momentum by grabbing the front of Naruto's jumpsuit and pulled him in close. Hokori was forced to make a leap for the pair of shoulders coming up behind the boys and a stable perch. "You'll never beat me and Akamaru!"

Whack! Crack! Kiba and Naruto both went down, hard, identical bumps adorning their heads, while Haruno Sakura stood behind them, a triumphant expression on her face and a heavy, hardcover book clutched between her hands. _Spirits of the trees: A Complete History of the Senju Clan_. Ouch. Hokori, his tail securely wrapped around her waist and his head nestled among her pink hair, squeaked out a smug scolding.

"Do you idiots really want to fight before classes even start?! Dummies! Morons! If the sensei saw you fighting you'd have a bad reputation from the first day!" She grabbed an ankle apiece and started dragging the squirming boys toward the next room over. Akamaru followed clumsily, occasionally tripping over his own paws as he tried to keep up with the girl's longer strides. "Come on, lamebrains, sensei Mizuki wants all the students in the next classroom over. If you don't show, you'll haveta wait for next year. The way you two pay attention, I'll be an awesome ninja before you even get out of school. So there!"

* * *

"Phhhhh," From her position next to Jiraiya, Inuzuka Tsume made a sound like a deflating balloon as she stifled a laugh. "I think our knuckleheads are in good hands with that one, Jiraiya. See? Nothin' to worry about!"

"Gwahahahaha!" The toad sage, under far less social pressure than his companion even in a room full of clan heads, let his laughter out, "Just like me and Tsunade, 'cept she wouldn't have needed the book. Yeah, Naruto's gonna be just fine. Makin' friends already, just like his old man..."

* * *

Uchiha Itachi's eyes narrowed by a few degrees as he watched his brother Sasuke follow the pink-haired civilian dragging the protesting jinchuriki and resigned Inuzuka heir out of the room. Cautiously, the older Uchiha swept the room with his Sharingan, picking up the unsettling, purple-hair stranger that infrequently followed Naruto around. Before he'd seen her for himself, he hadn't really believed Lord Hokage's warning about the being that had forced its way into Naruto's life. Neither had Captain Hatake, but they believed now.

At first, Itachi thought the being was using some kind of genjutsu to stay hidden from everybody but Naruto. However, that theory didn't hold up. Even when he pointed the illusion and the... person out to genjutsu experts like Yuhi Kurenai, they were unable to spot Naruto's 'auntie G'. Only Hyuga and Uchiha with their eyes active could see her.

Lord Hokage himself couldn't perceive the entity, though he always spotted her right away by watching Naruto's mannerisms and using that to approximate her location. The Hokage could _hear_ the mysterious woman, though, which no one else but Naruto seemed to be able to. Itachi suspected that whatever technique she was using could exempt selected people from its effects.

He also suspected that Hyuga saw something different than he and his clansmen did. Yes, the woman was freaky, not that any Uchiha would unbend their pride enough to admit it. Her glowing, red, not-Sharingan eyes, the way shadows clung to her in an almost loving embrace, and the fact that she sometimes forgot to breathe when Naruto wasn't looking her way added up to a disturbing image. But, Itachi had learned to trust his gut instincts, and they told him that there was something more there.

He also occasionally saw flashes of yellow and red around the being, and once observed her drawn from her feet like an invisible person had grabbed her. Lord Hokage and Naruto both had no knowledge of these other invisible people. And the Sharingan could not see them, though maybe the Byakugan could. Itachi could not allow potentially dangerous, probably nonhuman beings to infiltrate Konoha.

As a consequence of his _other_ mission he now had a tool that might let him see what he once could not. So, Uchiha Itachi carefully checked his surroundings to make sure no one could see what he was about to do, took a deep breath, and activated his Mangekyo Sharingan.

And stumbled back to lean shakily against the wall, a gasp of shock escaping his iron self-control. Because he had been absolutely, horrifyingly right. Where the 'woman' had stood, now floated a monster. A very familiar monster.

He had seen the creature once before, on the night the Kyubi attacked. The night the village groaned, and shook, and nearly was lost forever under the footfalls of the nine tailed biju, and it's massive foe. The very same monster, which only avoided crushing the Uchiha compound underfoot by not having legs, was in this room.

More frighteningly, to his newly enhanced perception, the being actually seemed to be warping space in the room, extending it with roiling shadows to accomidate its bulk. The creature's glowing, red eyes, the only commonality between its disguise and its true self, burned in the darkness, without any of the illuminating clarity their light should have produced. As Itachi watched, the monster's fearsome tentacles lashed about the room, passing through the humans nearby with no apparent effect.

And the thing noticed he could see it. It turned toward him, and hovered closer, the room warping and shifting to allow it passage, though the people in the room did not move aside. Creature and ninja stared at each other through glowing red eyes. And then the thing spoke.

 **"Uchiha Itachi,"** It was at this moment that Itachi, veteran ANBU and one of the most skilled ninja Konoha had ever produced, did something he had never done before, and would never do again. He panicked.

Itachi prided himself on his ability to keep his cool even in the most trying situations, but a reality-warping, biju-fighting monster trying to initiate a conversation pushed him over the edge.

He'd, in the span of a week, accepted orders to kill his entire family for the treason they planned to commit, made contact with Uchiha Madara himself to get help with said killing (Itachi was good, but he wasn't that good. Yet.), watched his best friend commit suicide to unlock the full power of his eyes, barely managed to convince councilman Danzo to let him spare his brother, and now this? Not only was the thing the kyubi's ally, which helped the demon destroy the village, but it had deceived the Hokage into letting it infiltrate Konoha! If the Hyuga could see its true form, it was clearly securing their silence somehow, because the Hokage would know otherwise!

Besides, even if the Hyuga were forthcoming and could see its true form, what could they do? Taijutsu, even the gentle fist, is of limited use against something that big. Only ninjutsu and genjutsu, Itachi's specialties, had any hope of being actually effective. He couldn't leave the village now! They'd be defenseless against this thing! Itachi didn't know where Danzo, his contact and handler for his final mission, was at the moment, so that meant he had to go straight to the Hokage. As the academy opening ceremony was over, the elder Sarutobi ought to be in his office in the administrative sector.

Without stopping to consider how it might look to the people around him, Itachi leaped from the nearest window, ignoring the fact that it was closed at the time. The Hokage needed to hear about this, now!

* * *

 **"He fled. I said his name and he fled. I am not that scary. Am I?"**

"Hate ta be the one to break it to ya dattebane, but you kinda are."

"What I would give to know what he was thinking, though. He never seemed like the type to act without careful consideration. Plus, he's seen you with his Sharingan before, and he didn't react anything like that! I wonder what he saw..."

* * *

"Lord Hokage!" Sarutobi Hiruzen turned at the familiar voice to see Uchiha Itachi, covered in scratches and bits of broken glass, hurl himself through the open window of the Hokage's office. "I have acquired critical intelligence that directly impacts my current mission!"

"Your current mission?" Hiruzen took a sip from the tea cup he was nursing in between piles of paperwork, "I don't seem to recall you being on a mission at the moment. And what sort of critical intelligence could you have possibly gotten escorting your brother to his first day of school?"

"No, no. _That_ mission," Itachi attempted to clarify. The Hokage raised an eyebrow, and gestured for Itachi to elaborate further, raising his cup again. Was Lord Hokage really going to make him go out and say it? Sure, the Hokage's office was absolutely secure, and the Hokage could likely trust his personally selected ANBU bodyguards with any secret, but forcing Itachi to state the parameters of the mission he wished with all his heart he could decline was just cruel.

"I beg your forgiveness, Lord Hokage, but I cannot in good conscience carry out my mission to terminate the Uchiha clan!" There! He'd said it! "The nine-tailed fox's ally in destroying the village has returned, and is infiltrating the village disguised as Uzumaki Naruto's imaginary friend 'auntie G'. As I have reason to believe my Mangekyo Sharingan is the only thing in the village capable of effectively combatting the creature, I cannot be exiled for any reason. We must alter our plans!"

The Hokage did a spit-take. An actual, real life spit-take. One of the ANBU blurred into sight, handkerchief raised to catch the flying liquid. Then, he registered what Itachi had said, and keeled over in a dead faint. Faint thumps from around the office signified other ANBU straightening up or falling out from where the had concealed themselves.

Sarutobi Hiruzen carefully wiped his mouth, taking his time so he could process what the young Uchiha had just told him. However, the first thing that came into his mind still seemed like the best thing to say on the subject. "Terminate the _what_?!"


	3. A Long Journey begins

"Why the heck do I always have to explain this stuff to you, Naruto? Can't you read?"

"Hahah, of course I can read! What kinda stupid question is that? Only idiots can't read. I can read," Naruto blustered. "Kinda... Sorta... Mostly..." The boy seemed to wilt in his seat. "Look, kanji are hard, okay?" From his position next to Naruto at the long table in the academy library, Hokori rubbed his head against Naruto's shoulder with an encouraging 'Dratini!'.

"Really, Naruto?" Sakura buried her head in her hands, voice muffled but recognizable. "How, how do you think you're going to pass if you can only read half your assignments? At this rate, you'll never even get out of the academy!"

"Hey, it's not like ninjas need to know all this stuff!" What good was history and math and all that crap in a fight, anyway? "And," he finished in a mumble, "It's not like there's anyone to teach me..."

"Oh, man. There's just so much stupid in that sentence... How do you expect to read your mission scrolls, then? Or recognize an explosive tag?" The young girl plunked her own writing book, covered in neat notes, in front of Naruto. "I'm not sure why this is _my_ job, but I'll see what I can do to help."

Hokori, always interested in what Naruto was doing, peeked over the boy's shoulder. This was something he couldn't have done when he and Naruto first met. The Pokemon had grown quickly in the six months since Naruto had started school, putting on another three inches of length and an inch of girth. Plentiful exercise plus a more substantial diet from mooching school lunches and meals from sympathetic Inuzuka had triggered a massive growth spurt.

The dratini studied the printed characters carefully. He'd seen humans and other Pokemon write before, but never tried it himself. His parents had taught him to read, but writing was seen as a waste of time until he got his arms. If living with Naruto had taught the dragon anything, though, it was that there is no such thing as an insurmountable obstacle.

Making sure that the humans were busy with their book, Hokori quietly shifted a pen and a notepad from Naruto's backpack down the table. Holding the pen in his mouth, he carefully traced a sequence of remembered kanji on the paper. He hadn't really meant for anyone to notice, but Sakura as always was highly observant.

"Wait, Hokori? You can write? I guess you really are a nin-animal," Sakura admitted, blushing a little. She hadn't believed Naruto's stories about lightning snakes and 'super awesome snake ninja skills', chalking them up to the boy's highly active imagination. While this was by no means an unfair assumption, it was still a little embarrassing to have said so in front of someone who could understand you. "Heh, sorry about that. Teach me to make quick judgements."

"Dratini," Hokori agreeably accepted the apology, "Ti. Ni."

"So what did you write?" Sakura curiously pulled the notebook back down the table, bringing the Pokemon sitting partially on it along for the ride with a startled squeak. "Oh. 'Dratini'. You're hilarious. Figures that Naruto's pet would have his sense of humor."

Hokori sniggered breathily. Naruto didn't understand what was so funny.

* * *

"I'm under a genjutsu? Are you certain?" Even if the Hokage himself was saying it, Uchiha Itachi found it hard to believe. After all, he was one of the foremost genjutsu experts in the village, and he had the Mangekyo Sharingan. No illusion could possibly get around-

Oh, that was a really, _really_ good genjutsu. Nothing less could have snared a mighty Uchiha so flawlessly-

Damnit! Kai! Hah, that got it! Naturally, once he'd noticed it such a weak, inconsequential illusion was no match for his skills.

Wait a second...

Not bothering with the regular Sharingan, Itachi went straight to his Mangekyo. He pulled the mirror he used to send long distance signals in the field from his pouch, looked into his own eyes, and forced his chakra in four different directions. Kai! That got it. Probably.

Although the fact that he wasn't sure he'd defeated the genjutsu this time was a good sign. As was that he felt slightly different. Not enough that he would have noticed the differences between Itachi with the genjutsu and Itachi without it until the illusion was pointed out to him, but something felt... off, now, like his head had suddenly been expanded a bit. It almost felt like he could connect his thoughts just a little better, make choices that never would have occurred to him before, think a little further outside the box...

Oh, that was a _really, really_ good genjutsu. Now Itachi was feeling a little envious of whoever had ensnared him. The insidious technique had actually suppressed his imagination just enough to keep him from questioning his orders, or trying to find a third option instead of either plunging Konoha into a civil war or murdering his family. At the same time, it played on the crippling arrogance that all Uchiha possessed in varying quantities to conceal itself. To top it all off, the imagination suppression had the happy side effect of generating clinical depression over time as the mind became confined by the lack of stimulation.

It seemed obvious now that he could have and should have pleaded for the lives of all the Uchiha children, not just Sasuke. He should have confirmed the assassination orders with the Hokage, _as per standard operating procedure._ He should have used his new Mangekyo to make sure his father and the other conspiring Uchiha weren't being manipulated by the other Mangekyo, which come to think of it was probably what had ensnared him in the first place!

And he most certainly should have put more thought into the true identity of the extremely dangerous, orange-masked man who had offered to help him annihilate the Uchiha and was clearly not Uchiha Madara as he claimed to be. For one thing, the clan records suggested that Madara was about a foot taller than the imposter. For another, Madara was infamous for his larger-than-average inheritance of the Uchiha arrogance. He'd never hide his face for any reason, or wear a mask that only exposed one of his mighty Sharingan!

"Lord Hokage, I think I would like backup when we attempt to trap the man claiming to be Uchiha Madara after all," Itachi admitted. He didn't make mistakes often, but when he did he always took full responsibility. "Who do we have who is skilled at blind fighting?"

* * *

Two ninja did battle with a monster.

The ferocious beast's fangs were as long as the ninjas' heads, its claws like knives, its thick fur like armor, yet the ninja were not afraid. Though they were outmassed ten times over, they did not back down. Where the monster struck out with blinding speed and unstoppable strength, the ninja matched it with teamwork and cunning.

When the beast focused on one, the other would rush its flanks, snapping and striking, grappling and tripping. Each time it seemed as though they would be overwhelmed, one fired an arc of brilliant electricity, stunning the creature, while the other produced a score of hazy doppelgängers to cover their retreat.

Furthermore, the beast had a weakness: it had lost one of its eyes to a battle long ago, and the ninja exploited the blind spot ruthlessly. The acrid stench of grass smoke, burned by one ninja's lightning jutsu, covered their scent, and their own skills in stealth allowed them the first strike time and again.

But even the mightiest of ninja tire, and the beast did not. After twenty minutes, an eternity in pitched battle, the ninja were pinned helplessly, exhausted, under the great paws of their foe.

"Not bad, whelps. Not bad at all," From his dominating position, a large, dark dog addressed his captives, tongue lolling out of his mouth in a canine grin, "At this rate your partners might survive to make chunin! Of course, you'll be better than that by the time I'm through with you."

"Great!" The smaller dog yipped, "My partner can't become Hokage without my help! So bring it on, Kuromaru-sensei!"

"Your partner? That's silly talk! My partner's gonna be Hokage!" The other recently freed animal disagreed, shaking himself off and coiling up comfortably, "You two can be our second in command."

"Probably what's gonna happen," the puppy whined, "Your partner is gonna be scary strong someday, Hokori. How does big bro Kiba not smell the fox on him? Kiba's not that dumb!"

"You shouldn't talk about your partner that way, Akamaru," the older dog admonished, "I'm positive he will grow into his, er, everything soon. After all, heh, Tsume was no different. And don't be so hard on poor Kiba for not smelling it, no matter how obvious it is to you. After all, Kiba might be an Inuzuka, but he's still human. Your nose will always be superior."

"I can't smell it at all," Hokori shared, "If Lady Giratina hadn't told me what Naruto has locked up inside, I never would've known!"

"Hey, you've got stuff I never will," Akamaru replied, "I mean, you can see colors! How cool is that? I've never met anyone who could see colors before, Hokori. Colors!"

"Uh, Akamaru? Humans can see colors. All of them," Hokori informed the puppy. The dragon turned to itch at a spot on his back, and sighed when his nose came away with a few flaking scales. "I'm shedding again? But I just got this skin! If I keep growing like this, no more rides for me."

"Yeah, such a tragedy, having to slither around on your own. Lazybones," Akamaru needled, "Maybe you'll finally lose some of that chub."

"Hey! I can't help it. All dratini look like this," whined Hokori, "I'll grow up eventually. Sooner than you, that's for sure." The dragon Pokemon was already close to three feet long, and sixteen kilos, far larger and heavier than his friend, though both were dwarfed by Kuromaru.

"How about this: Get out of the academy before you worry about who's going to become the Hokage," Kuromaru suggested, "Don't get ahead of yourselves, pups. You can't go straight from the basics to being a Kage. The key to achieving a lofty goal is to break it down into smaller, simpler steps."

"Yes, sensei," the dragon and the puppy dipped their heads in acknowledgement.

"Good," Kuromaru's grin grew wider, "I can't help but notice, Akamaru, that your middle seems to have picked up something extra. Teasing a friend about it to deflect attention from yourself? Sneaky. But not sneaky enough. Have you been begging table scraps again?". The guilty whine that escaped Akamaru was answer enough for the canny, older dog. "Laps! Both of you! Get! And don't stop until I say so, or you'll regret it!"

Kuromaru settled down, head resting on his paws, as his students dashed off, Akamaru's legs allowing him to quickly outpace Hokori's more measured slither. Was the puppy faster? Yes, but Hokori could hold his pace for hours after his friend collapsed from fatigue.

"Heh, whelps. Enjoy it while you can. Sooner than you think, your puppy days will be gone..."

* * *

"Whaddaya mean, you don't want to learn from me?! I'll have you know that most of the world would kill for the chance I'm giving you!"

"What're _you_ gonna be able to teach me? How to get the crap kicked out of me by pretty ladies at the hot springs? I think if I really wanted that I could figure it out myself," Naruto snorted, "Face the facts, uncle Jiraiya. You suck. You're a cool uncle, but you're a sucky ninja."

"What? Don't you know who I am, after all the time we've spent together! I am Jiraiya, of the legendary Sannin, the greatest ninja the village has ever produced! And its most dashing and handsome, if I say so myself. Hah!" Jiraiya lashed out a hand and pulled Hokori out of a nearby tree, "Nice try, kids, but I survived the second and third ninja wars. Your stealth skills are no match for m- Aaugh!"

While he was busy monologuing, Hokori took his chance. The Pokemon narrowed his eyes, aiming for fierce but failing to get past adorable, built up a charge, and zapped Jiraiya, with unexpected results. Unlike his other victims, Jiraiya wasn't stunned by the current. However, all his hair suddenly stood on end with a faint 'toing!' of released pressure. Jiraiya's hair, which was long enough to reach his waist. The hair tie that usually kept the ninja's mane tamed shot out of the mass like it was fired from a catapult, ricocheted off of several buildings, and nailed the unfortunate Sannin right between the eyes.

That, at least, surprised him enough for Hokori to make his escape, before the combination of Jiraiya's hair and expression paralyzed boy and dragon with irresistible giggles. "Hate lightning jutsu," Jiraiya grumbled as he tried to get his mane back under control, with... limited success, "So very much. Alright, that's it. I'm teaching you brats something else so this," He paused briefly to make another grab for a particularly unruly bunch of hair, "Doesn't happen again. Understand?"

Both of the Sannin's would-be students fought to get their giggles under control long enough to respond, finally managing to do so several minutes after Jiraiya successfully tied his hair back again. "Like you know any good jutsu," Naruto dissented, "If you did you'd be cooler, maybe."

"Ohoh, so you don't want to learn a totally awesome C-ranked jutsu, the sort you usually have to be a genin to learn?" Jiraiya hammed up his surprise, already anticipating Naruto's reaction, "Oh, well. Maybe Kiba wants to learn from the great and powerful sage Jiraiya..."

"Teach me! Teach me, oh great and glorious toad master!" Pleaded the boy, bowing rapidly before Jiraiya's feet, "Have I mentioned how awesome you are lately?"

"Gwahahahaha! That's more like it!" The toad sage chortled, "I guess I can spare some time for my godson." Jiraiya palmed a piece of paper from his pouch and held it behind Naruto's head. As soon as the slip came within a foot of the grovelling blonde it split in half. Huh. His control was even worse than Jiraiya had expected. Uzumaki tended toward large chakra reserves and poor control. So did jinchuriki. An Uzumaki jinchuriki? Naruto was lucky his chakra flares weren't blinding every Uchiha, Hyuga, and chakra sensor within miles!

"But, learning an awesome jutsu isn't easy!" Jiraiya hedged, "You need to take it one step at a time. Allow me to demonstrate!" The Sannin made three slow hand signs, careful to take it slow so his student could see. He then exhaled, releasing a gust of wind that rattled trash cans in a nearby alley. "Wind style: Breakthrough!"

"It makes a breeze? What good is that?" Naruto was not so easily impressed, "I wanna learn something awesome!"

"Don't be silly, brat!" The sage exclaimed, "I held back a lot! At full power that jutsu can rip trees from the ground! The more chakra you use, the stronger it gets! And even a weak jutsu like this is a challenge for a brat like you! Don't you know why elemental jutsu usually aren't taught to academy students like you?"

"Uh, they are. I think...?" Naruto turned the question over in his head a few times, "That jerk Sasuke did all his target practice by breathing fire that one day... Then he almost passed out from using too much chakra and Mizuki-sensei got really mad. Shikamaru has this shadow thing, but I think he can't use it for long. Are those metal jutsu?"

"Elemental, brat. Metal jutsu are something completely different, and only a few ninjas from Sunagakure can even learn them," Jiraiya corrected, "And the reason is that most academy students don't have enough chakra to use much ninjutsu, or the control to get them to work right. You've got plenty of chakra, I made sure of that. No godson of mine is getting chakra exhaustion from a training exercise. So you need to work on control."

"Chakra control? Like the leaf thing?" The boy asked, "But that's so boring! Except when the leaf explodes sometimes. It's probably not supposed to do that..."

"That it is not. But don't worry! Like me, you've got too much chakra for finicky stuff like that," The sage explained, "Most academy standard exercises are designed so anyone can do them, and for most of the students that's exactly what they need. But you and I, we've got too much chakra for them to be useful. That's why I'm going to have you climb trees... without using your hands! You need a lot more power for this one, so it ought to work well for you. Plus, it's da- dead useful in the field."

"Alright! I can't wait! But first, can you show me those hand signs again? I wanna make sure I've got them right so I can practice," Naruto requested. When Jiraiya nodded agreeably, the ninja in training moved closer, squinting in concentration. He was going to get this down!

* * *

Might Gai. _Why_ did it _have_ to be Might Gai.

Itachi had no doubt that his fellow jonin was the best blind fighter in the village. The Uchiha just wasn't sure his mind and personality would survive learning from that particular basket case.

Now, Itachi had no illusions as to his own sanity. In fact, he was pretty sure that as he was willing to murder his entire family for the good of Konoha, genjutsu or no, his sanity was pretty much nonexistent. The third member of their little task force, Hatake Kakashi, was no stable, well-adjusted individual himself. But Might Gai?

The man paraded around the village in green spandex and orange leg warmers, sporting a boy-band bowl cut and the most uniquely unsettling eyebrows Itachi had ever seen, prattling about fire and youth and tortoises. Even more disturbing, Gai had seemed to pick up a cult following among the worst of the academy students. And his idea of a light workout had sent six different chunin to the hospital.

"Alright! Now That We Have Stoked Out Fires Of Youth With A Youthful Warm-Up, We Shall Begin Preparing To Combat This Rogue Uchiha And His Most Unyouthful Tactics!" Gai bellowed, apparently his only method of communicating. You could _hear_ the capital letters.

"Don't worry," Kakashi, having seen past Itachi's reflexive, stoic, masking expression, patted the younger jonin reassuringly on the back, his visible eye still trained on his cheery, orange book, "You build up a Gai tolerance with repeated exposure. Or you crack under the strain, so if you find yourself looking for ways to insert words like 'fire' or 'youth' into everyday conversation, you should probably find a rock in Ame or Kusa to crawl under and detox for a few years." Kakashi you asshole, that doesn't help at all!

Itachi's eye ticced, but he managed to restrain his reaction to a neutral "Hn". Sometimes you can't beat the classics.

"Good!" Kakashi crinkled his eye up in an upside-down U, and flipped a page in his book, "I'm glad we had this little talk."

Okay, scratch that. Itachi was totally sane. He just had trouble establishing a frame of reference because he was _surrounded by lunatics_!

* * *

"Aack!" Naruto stopped cold. Why? He was in the middle of a spar with Uchiha Sasuke, and the bastard had just finished the hand signs for _that_ jutsu! The one that set stuff on fire. And Naruto knew for sure because he was really close and there was no way Sasuke could miss with his... puff of hot air? Now totally off guard, Naruto barely even noticed the incoming hands, until Sasuke grappled his opponent and bodily flung him from the Academy sparring ring.

"Victory by ring out: Uchiha Sasuke!" Iruka-sensei, the new second sensei, called out. "Next match is Nara Shikamaru and Haruno Sakura, and if you slack off, Nara, your mother has authorized me to poke you with this stick every time I think you aren't paying attention in class."

"You'd enjoy that, wouldn't you," the boy groaned, slowly, painfully prying himself from his seat.

"More than I should, yes," Iruka confirmed with a sunny grin.

"Ugh, troublesome," But Shikamaru stepped into the ring, bowed to Sakura, and assumed a fluid, slightly droopy guard. "Let's get this over with."

"Hello Uzumaki Naruto. Do you require assistance?" Naruto pulled his head out of the dirt, to have his vision filled by a pale, unfamiliar hand. Kiba was on the other side of the academy grounds, confined to 'time out' after he sunk his growing fangs deep into Akamichi Choji when the large boy pinned Kiba in a submission hold. So who was this?

Naruto looked higher, seeing the signature grey jacket and dark sunglasses of Aburame Shino. Which was strange, because Shino never talked to him. In fact, as far as Naruto could tell, Shino never _talked_ , period.

"Did you hear me?" Oh, right, hand. Naruto grasped the offered help, and used the leverage to pull himself up.

"Sorry, sorry. Uh, Shino, right?" Naruto was only mostly sure he had the name right. After all, it wasn't like they'd ever talked before.

"Yes," the quiet boy confirmed, "And I could not help noticing something about your spar, earlier."

"Yeah, I'm gonna kick Sasuke's butt next time, I swear!" The jinchuriki exclaimed, "That bastard won't get the best of me again!"

"It is likely that he will," Shino disagreed, "Why? Because the Uchiha has received and will receive personal training in hand to hand from his clan. I have observed you practicing, but practicing alone is almost as valuable as no practice at all."

"Whaaaat? You jerk! Here I thought you were nice!" Naruto turned away with a huff, "But you- you- I'm not sure what you said, but it was- was jerky! So there!" Shino's shoulders slumped slightly.

"It seems I am not very good at this. Why? The results speak for me. And I should not be surprised. After all, two bees from different hives will not understand each others' dance," Now Naruto was really confused, and it showed. Shino's forehead furrowed as he tried to think of a different way to state his thoughts. "Would you like to join me to improve your taijutsu at the Aburame grounds, Uzumaki Naruto?"

"Huh?" Now, Naruto was totally lost. Did Shino like him or not? What the heck was going on?

"I noticed that you favor a taijutsu style that focuses on speed and agility, the base form of the fourth Hokage's modified crane style," Shino observed, "But I do not believe you or I are suited to such a style."

"What? But the fourth Hokage created this style! And he was the best Hokage, so it must be the best taijutsu, right?" Naruto reasoned, "Otherwise the Fourth wouldn't have used it."

"I do not dispute that the Ascendent Crane style was the best style... for the Fourth Lord," Explained the Aburame, "But a style that relies on Namikaze Minato's famous speed and agility is not well suited for ninja like us, who are not particularly fast. A more measured style, possibly from the Aburame mantis or beetle styles, would be far more effective. Why? I have observed you to be very strong, tough, and adaptable, qualities these styles require."

"So... You want to help me get better at taijutsu? But why would your clan want to help me?" Why would they just help? There had to be a catch.

"I require a sparring partner," Shino stated, "Why? My father has informed me that I cannot advance further without someone around my height to practice with. In exchange, we would instruct you."

"R-really? Awesome!"

"Quite."

* * *

"Not fast?! My son? He'll be the fastest ninja in the elemental nations! Don't just stand there and take it, Naruto!"

"Face it, Minato, bug boy is right! Just means Naruto got more from me than you dattebane! Such a great boy, takin' after his mom."

"More from you? He looks exactly like me!"

"But the way he sounds? The way he acts? Oh, he's an Uzumaki through and through. Now if we could just get pervy sage to get him started on sealing..."

"What? That's way too dangerous! He's just seven! Old frog face is already pushing it with that wind jutsu."

"Hey, hey! Shove over! You're hogging the mirror dattebane! I wanna watch too!"

"I am not! You can see just fine! Besides, you can see right through me! Ghost, remember?"

"Oh, I could see through you long before you were dead, _dear_."

 **"I cannot leave you alone for five minutes, can I? Do I need to suspend your mirror privileges again?"**

"Ack! We'll be good! I swear dattebane!"

* * *

Uchiha Itachi staggered through the front door of his family home, his usual impeccable appearance having deserted him days ago. He was coated in mud, bugs, bruises, blood, and other things he didn't care to identify. Sticks and leaves and a few leeches adhered to the coating, and he didn't bother to dislodge them. A solitary shuriken, still stuck in the armored plate protecting his left shoulder, rattled as he plodded forward. Intellectually, Itachi knew he shouldn't be wearing his ANBU armor home, but at this point actually changing clothes sounded like entirely too much work.

The only 'clean' spots on the Uchiha's entire body were a pair of bloody tear tracks trailing down from his eyes, mementoes of his realization that he didn't actually know what his Mangekyo Sharingan _did_. Itachi made an abortive twitch toward a seat at the kitchen table, before deciding the floor looked way closer and more inviting. With a pathetic groan, he toppled over onto his face, sending the shuriken skittering under the table. The thing promptly exploded and flipped the table, and the flying furniture missed Itachi's foot by inches. Kami damn it, Kakashi! Wasn't that... _that_ (Itachi refused to dignify _that_ by calling it a jutsu) bad enough?!

"By the sage! Oh, what happened to you, Itachi?" Uchiha Mikoto gasped in mild horror, practically tripping over her dripping son as she came in, a bag of groceries balanced on her hip. "We aren't under attack, are we?" Steel suddenly glinted in her free hand as her eyes glowed Sharingan red.

"Training. Dogs. Gai. _Pain_ ," Itachi moaned, "Never volunteer. Never!"

"Ah. I remember those days. His father, Might Dai, could be quite the task master," Mikoto related, smile back and steel abruptly gone, though her eyes remained active. "Those were rather trying days, but he was still the best jonin-sensei I could have hoped... for... Oh, that is odd."

"What's odd?" Uchiha Fugaku asked, coming through the door with a significantly larger load of food and actually tripping over Itachi. "Good gods, boy, what the hell did you lose a fight with? You look like you got road hauled by one of those giant tigers from training ground 66! Maybe I have been pushing you too hard lately. If you need a few days off..."

"I _was_. Kakashi. Gai. Wire tricks." Itachi groped under his leg, removing a particularly sharp stick, "Didn't lose. Draw. Training. Owwww."

"I swear, I can almost see it..." While Fugaku efficiently checked his son for crippling wounds, Mikoto remained still, muttering to herself. "It's right there, but I feel so out of practice. How long has it been since I last used my Sharingan...?" She stiffened, eyes wide, and shuddered slightly, before straightening.

"Mom, dad, I'm home- brother, what the heck happened?" Sasuke's school bag fell from nerveless fingers as he beheld he scene in the kitchen, "It's not the kyubi, is it?" Because what else could leave Uchiha Itachi, the best ninja in the world now that the fourth Hokage was dead (in Sasuke's humble opinion), in such a state?!

"Kyubi," Mikoto breathed, "Oh, Kushi-chan, what have I done?" Then, she _smiled_. It didn't look any different from all the other time she'd done so, but the killing intent she released alongside it practically bludgeoned the other Uchiha into the floor under its sheer prescence.

"Sasuke, be a dear and fetch your little friend, Uzumaki Naruto. The clan has need of his services for a few minutes," Under any other circumstances, Sasuke might have protested that the dunce was in no way his friend, and that anything Naruto could do, Sasuke could do better. However, under the current circumstances, all he could manage was a strangled squeak before he ran off to follow orders. Since when was his mom so _scary_?

"Fugaku, honey, can you go fetch my good sword while I slip into something more comfortable? Itachi, once Sasuke gets back with Naruto, keep him here until your father and I return, okay? We need to have a little talk with Shimura Danzo about proper internment of my favorite nephew's remains..."

* * *

In the privacy of his apartment, a young man slid three strips of a papery, white substance into individual test tubes, and carefully sealed each one with wax and a cork. He turned to four tiny, white vipers patiently waiting on the floor behind him with an inscrutable expression.

Carefully, the man allowed each viper to swallow one test tube, before giving the fourth a tightly-rolled scroll. "I have acquired the samples Lord Orochimaru requested," the man whispered, adjusting his glasses in a nervous habit, "Far more than we needed, I think. If this doesn't go through, please ask our Lord to send more messenger snakes."

"What? Oh, don't worry," The man reassured the letter-bearer, having seen something questioning in the reptile's expression, "I procured the samples from subject N's trash can. Nobody cares about a few bits of shed skin. They don't know what they've got right in their midst."

"But we know, don't we, little one. And what we know, so does Lord Orochimaru."

* * *

 **A.N. Having looked over the listed weights for various Pokemon, I am forced to conclude that Nintendo and Gamefreak have little to no understanding of mass and gravity. As such, Pokemon will be listed as what their weights actually ought to be, rather than what their Pokedex entries state. For example, a fully grown dratini is six feet long and... seven point three pounds. Pounds. Metagross, a Pokemon composed almost entirely of solid metal, is five feet tall and at least twice that wide, yet weighs only a little over half a ton if the Pokedex is to be believed. In order for this to be the case, the Pokemon's metals would need to be the very light varieties that explode when exposed to water, which Metagross clearly does not. Steel types are not weak to water. The listed weights very rarely obey the laws of physics, and so will not be used.**


	4. With a Single Step

It is not for nothing that in the time of the warring states everyone but the mighty Senju clan feared above all else the Uchiha on the warpath.

Entirely aside from the fact that they could steal your greatest techniques, that many could drop the most powerful ninja with a glance, and the proverbial Uchiha fondness for setting things (and people) on fire, it was and is widely acknowledged that every single Uchiha is vengeful to the point of mental instability. Right down to the cute little Uchiha kids.

Sure, as allies they were dependable, loyal, and very handy to have around, but as enemies? Nobody could hold a grudge for as long, or enjoy doing so as much, as an Uchiha.

So when the heads of the Uchiha clan kicked down the door to the Hokage tower and stalked their way towards the main meeting room, almost no one was foolish enough to get in their way. The sole beaurocrat stupid enough to do so was left twitching on the ground. The only coherent words that escaped his mouth for months afterward? "Those eyes! Great Arceus, those _eyes_!"

The door to Konoha's council chamber didn't stand up to the Military Police standard issue combat boot any better than its comrade at the base of the tower. Sarutobi Hiruzen, in the middle of a tedious series of negotiations over water rights between the Aburame and the Yamanaka, sighed. Now his week was complete.

After all, what would life be like if Uchiha Fugaku didn't barge in every few weeks, sword in hand and breathing fire, demanding that the latest perceived slight to his clan's honor be promptly addressed? If not for his wife holding him back, the man would have had to arrest himself for murder and treason three times over. The armor was a new touch though, one that the aging Hokage could appreciate. It changed things up just enough to keep it interesting. Hiruzen hadn't seen armor like that since the Second Great Ninja War...

Wait a second. Was that _Fugaku_ holding the armored ninja back?!

"Daaanzoooooo! Get your decrepit ass down here!" The armored woman screamed, brandishing a sword Hiruzen could swear he'd seen somewhere before, "I'll show you what we do to grave robbers in the Uchiha clan!" Was that _Mikoto_?!

"Honey, you don't want to do it this way. Honey, we can get him legally. Honey, you can't gut him in front of all these witnesses," Fugaku's voice grew steadily more frantic as he tried to restrain his furious wife. "Don't make me stop you from doing something you'll regret later!"

"I'd like to see you try!" Mikoto stabbed her sword into the floor with an expensive-sounding crunch, and the two grappled briefly before she gained the upper hand, and- Holy shit! Did she just _suplex_ him?

Kushina! That's where he'd seen the sword before! It used to belong to her. The moves, especially that last one, were also reminiscent of the fiery Uzumaki. Hiruzen had thought this side of Mikoto buried underneath mountains of grief after the kyubi attack. Which begged the question: "Danzo, what exactly have you done to incense the Uchiha recently? More than usual, I mean."

* * *

"Hell yes! Now kick him in the 'nards dattebane!"

 **"Just get that ghoul alone for a few minutes! I will take care of the rest. Come on, it will not be that difficult. Even if Father notices, what is he going to do about it? Kill me?"**

"Ugh, please don't encourage your friend to strike people there... I may not have them anymore, but I still remember how it feels."

* * *

"Would you believe that this actually isn't my fault?" Danzo asked hopefully, before reading Hiruzen's face. He was quite skilled at reading the Hokage, having known him since they served on the same genin team. "Mmm. I wouldn't believe me either."

"'Grave robber'... Danzo, would you remove the bandages around your right eye for a few moments?" Sarutobi Hiruzen asked, even the facade of affability rapidly disappearing, "I think I am just as curious as the lady Uchiha to see what is really under there."

"Everything I do, I do for Konoha," Danzo croaked. This was not looking good. "You know that."

"The bandages, Danzo," The Hokage refused to back down, "Now."

With a sigh, the retired ninja reached up and pulled the bandages down to reveal an empty, scarred socket where his right eye once was. "Are you satisfied now, Sarutobi?"

"What? But- I was so sure..." Mikoto's sword hit the floor with a clatter, "But if you don't have them, then where are Shisui's eyes?"

Sarutobi Hiruzen's adamantine staff met Danzo's head with bone-crushing force. "After I learned of the power of Uchiha Shisui's Mangekyo Sharingan, the nigh-undetectable genjutsu Koto Amasukami, I asked Jiraiya to create a seal that would inflict pain whenever the bearer was put under an illusion. Murder. Conspiracy to commit more. Kekkei Genkai theft. Suborning ANBU operatives. _Treason_ , Danzo. There is only one sentence for treason. Be glad I did not have the intelligence division wring every bit of venom from you before I carried it out. You think I am too merciful?" The old man leaned heavily against his staff, gazing down at the broken body of what was once his best friend. "This is my mercy."

"Lord Hokage! It's Lord and Lady Uchiha! Something's wrong," Yamanaka Inoichi reported, panic tinging his voice, "They aren't breathing!"

"A fail-safe?! How deep does his rot go?" Hiruzen growled, striding over to the suffocating clan heads. "Have you detected any medical cause? Poison, perhaps?"

"If I had I'd be fixing it, my lord," Inoichi ground his teeth, "It's like their lungs just stopped working!"

On a hunch, Hiruzen forced open Fugaku's mouth and peered inside. This was one time the Hokage was not happy to be correct. "ROOT seals. Prehaps Danzo has the key...?" The body had vanished like smoke, and with an entire clan possibly dying out there he couldn't afford to give chase. Not when he could save two very important lives.

"Shibi! Get your clansmen, and lock down the village! Kikaichu everywhere! Nothing gets out without being devoured! Inoichi! I need you to contact every medic in the village with your clan jutsu! They are to remove the tongue and cauterize the resulting wound of every Uchiha in the village who appears distressed! Move, man!"

Orders given, Hiruzen turned to the clan head and his wife. "I am truly sorry for what I must do," He murmered, carefully sterilizing a kunai from the police chief's pouch with a fire jutsu.

* * *

Danzo escaped.

The man who professed to be the greatest patriot Konoha ever produced would go down in history among the foulest criminals in the village's history. Only Uchiha Madara and Orochimaru would ever share the utter hatred directed at Shimura Danzo.

Danzo the Genocide.

And yet he got away. The Aburame teams that closed Konoha intercepted and slew Danzo again, their beetles devouring most of his body. Yet, as in the council chamber, the remains vanished without a trace a few minutes after death was confirmed. Shimura Danzo still lived.

The butcher's bill was catastrophic. Before Danzo's insurance seal activated, the Uchiha clan numbered four thousand, including twenty-five hundred active ninja, six hundred of which were jonin. Two thousand of these ninja formed the backbone of Konoha's military police. Of those, all the noncombantants survived. Only the active-duty ninja were branded with Danzo's seal.

Of those, over eighteen hundred suffocated, drowned on dry land as their swelling tongues blocked off their lungs. The remainder survived, bereft of their voices forever. One hundred jonin, two hundred eighty-six chunin, and one hundred forty genin were near enough to a medic ninja or hospital to be saved.

And one ANBU. Uchiha Itachi had not been near any medic who was not already incapacitated by Danzo's cursed seal. And so, while Naruto and Sasuke watched, he cut out his own tongue to preserve his life. The village was indescribably lucky that rage, and not stark terror, is what allows a jinchuriki to draw on the power of the nine-tailed demon fox.

The resulting chakra pulse still dispelled every genjutsu within fifty miles.

* * *

Yet the Uchiha massacre drew the soldiers of Hidden Leaf closer together. In any of the other major ninja villages this would not have been the case.

If a traitor had slaughtered most of one of Iwagakure's major clans in the name of the village, distrust would have festered for centuries. The only people who hold a grudge longer than the average Uchiha are the unyielding ninja of hidden stone. Sunagakure is little better, though the fear that Gaara of the Desert might be driven to rampage by all the blood would serve to unite them somewhat. Kumogakure, having been founded by several groups of wandering ronin with a talent for lightning techniques, doesn't have any major clans in the first place. Kirigakure would have applauded the murderer, and probably given him or her a promotion.

Konoha, founded on the ideals of trust and teamwork prized by the First Hokage, fell back on these core values.

The Aburame and Yamanaka combined their linguistics expertise to create a sign language as extensive and detailed as the spoken word. They then supplied instructors fluent in their new language to every clan in the village, and the academy. They even funded and staffed night classes available to those who were not affiliated with the clans.

Jiraiya of the Sannin collaborated with the Akimichi clan to provide a seal that would restore the sense of taste of those who lacked a tongue. A speech seal, though, proved a much greater challenge.

The Nara and Inuzuka turned out in droves to swell the depleted ranks of Konoha's Military Police Force. The Uchiha had seen to the village's internal security since its founding. They would not fail this responsibility now.

The civilian merchant guilds, galvanized by the Haruno and Shimura clans, supplied the funds to pay all the new teachers, and to greatly expand the curriculum of the ninja and civilian academies. They hoped that superior training would allow another traitor to be caught before they could cause so much damage.

Previously, the Ninja Academy had not recieved a generous supply of funds. After all, the clans provided most of their members' educations at home. And affluent civilians sent their children to the private civilian academies or trade schools.

In short, far from being weakened by the tragedy, Konoha moved forward a stronger and far wiser village than it had been before.

* * *

"Hey, there, Geegee! Whatcha watchin'? Oooooh, that's a cute human!"

 **"Gah! Mew! What are you doing here?!"**

"Got bored! Figured I might as well talk to my faaaavorite sister!"

 **"I'm your only sister, Mew."**

"So? You're still my favorite. No matter what Arcy says. Daddy's such a poophead when things don't go his way."

 **"...It's nice to see you too."**

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke could not figure out Uzumaki Naruto. The blonde was an enigma, a puzzling jumble of traits and actions that didn't seem to go together, and far too loud to just ignore.

When they first met, Sasuke thought Naruto was an idiot, with absolutely no ninja potential whatsoever. But the boy was also pretty funny, in the way he would constantly disrupt class and skip out for pranks, which backfired as often as they worked. Sasuke thought both outcomes were equally hilarious.

But the little details kept piling up.

Naruto sucked at book work. He absolutely, positively could not sit still, was barely literate, and hadn't found a test he couldn't bomb. Yet his scores on most of the practicals were almost as good as Sasuke's own, and certainly on par with the clan kids.

Naruto was clearly a prodigy of anything physical, and he still couldn't hit a target to save his life. His taijutsu forms were faulty at best. He spent twice the effort of anyone else on his reading and tests, and still failed each and every one.

He also had enough chakra to cover the entire village in a pulse (upper jonin-level reserves before he even left the academy!), yet couldn't make a single doppelgänger, and his substitutions only worked about half the time. One week his hand to hand skills were abysmal and barely recognizable, the next he came in with perfectly serviceable techniques. And where had a clanless orphan learned Rhinocerous Beetle style taijutsu? Sasuke didn't get Naruto.

Then, the massacre happened. And Uchiha Sasuke understood.

Because the day most of the clan passed on, the day _that man_ took his family's voices, Sasuke gained something. His Sharingan.

Even with the first stage of the legendary kekkei genkai, Sasuke could see things he never had before.

He could see the pulses of thick, red chakra that tore through Naruto's body whenever he used a jutsu, destroying the blonde's fine control. Sasuke could see how Naruto had to go over each passage he read three times, because the letters kept moving before his eyes. When the red chakra filled up Naruto's body, demanding he burn it off or explode in place, Sasuke could see that too.

And Sasuke could see why Naruto couldn't hit a target to save his life, and why he never took notes in class. That, at least, Sasuke could fix.

"Hey, Naruto! Now that school's over, come with me!" Unfortunately, tact was never Sasuke's strong suit.

"Whaaat? No way! I don't like you. You're a jerk! You keep pretending to set me on fire!" Plus, Naruto remembered that the last time he'd gone with Sasuke most of the Uchiha had died. Which wasn't Naruto's fault. At least not as far as he knew. But it would explain why all the adults didn't like to have him around...

"Come on! I only actually did it once! And that was an accident!" Mostly. "I promise you'll thank me later."

"Why should I?" Naruto whined, "B'sides, I promised auntie G I'd meet her after school."

"Come on, dunce. You're seven! Isn't that a little too old to be playing with imaginary friends?" Scoffed Sasuke, "You're just making excuses because you don't wanna go!"

"Of course I don't wanna go with _you_ ," Naruto confirmed, "You're a jerk! You keep calling me a dunce! I am not!"

"Yes, you are," Sasuke informed his 'friend', "That's why you gotta come with me! I'll make you _less_ of a dunce." Then the Uchiha noticed a shadow falling over him. "Oh, hi, big brother! Listen, can we make a stop... at... Who are you?!"

Sasuke was pretty sure he would have remembered somebody with purple hair and red eyes and weird gold jewelry hanging around the academy, even without the Sharingan's perfect recall.

 **"Uchiha Sasuke. You can see me. I understand it is considered remarkable to gain the curse of the eldest at such a young age. Congratulations,"** The... person's eyes seemed like they were boring through Sasuke's flesh to whatever lay beneath, **"Please cease bothering my nephew."** Oh, kami, the way it said 'cease'...

"Hiiiiii!" What. The. Hell? Sasuke fell back on the reflexive blank expression drilled into every Uchiha as his brain tried and failed to process what he was seeing. It was... pink, and it had... limbs. Yes. But what _was_ it?! "Ohmigosh, they're even cuter in person!"

Suddenly, it was right there! Two inches from Sasuke's face! He hadn't even seen it move. "Is this one yours, Geegee? Oh, he's so cute! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and," then it grabbed his cheeks and pulled and _pain_. It took everything the young Uchiha had to keep the agony radiating over his face from showing.

 **"No. Naruto is the one with yellow fur. And if you do that to him I will tell Palkia who keeps raiding his junk food stash."**

"Then can this one be mine? I promise I'll feed him and walk him and let him fight other humans in the thunderdome for my amusement!"

 **"Why are you asking me? I have no control over your actions. And where do you get these ideas?"**

"Daytime TV!"

 **"In that case, no. You have never gotten a good idea from the television."**

"What about-"

 **"I said no, Mew."**

"Fine. He's a weird kid, anyway. Who doesn't react at all to my signature cheek pull?" Mew pouted, "Celebi told me it was at least a seven on the 'Oh Lord Arceus Save Your Unworthy Supplicant' meter!"

 **"You did that to Celebi? No, don't answer. I don't want to know. Just... Stay out of the kid's life, please. He lost most of his family recently, and you are just as likely to make things worse as better."**

"What? Really? It isn't like..."

 **"The meteor. The one that got Rayquaza his secondary duties to clear the skies. The great cataclysm, where so many of your children perished. Extinction. His entire family, a hair's breadth from that."**

"Oh. I- You're right, Geegee. As usual," Mew blinked a few times, and took a deep breath, "No, no. I'll be good. I promise. But... Oh, oh! I think I can help! For real! Be right back!" Zoom! The creature vanished as quickly as it came.

 **"Now, Uchiha. Why were you harassing my nephew?"**

* * *

"That's what Mikoto's kid wanted? Wait, is that why everybody's target practice scores were so much better than mine dattebane?!"

"Uh, I don't know, Kushina. But in the interest of testing it, what does that sign over there say?" Minato indicated a sign a few hundred yards down the street from where the ghosts were watching their son.

"Uh, turtle... fish... jail?" Kushina hazarded after several minutes of study, "That can't be right. Maybe if I get closer?"

"If it was just the usual Uzumaki dyslexia, you would have still gotten at least one of those words," the fourth Hokage analyzed, "So yep. You've got it too. Man, our boy really is cursed. Bad enough that he's got hyperactivity from the chakra the fox pushes into his system plus Uzumaki dyslexia because your entire clan is hard-wired to read seals and nothing else..."

"I can't believe I never noticed!" groaned Kushina, "It's so freakin' obvious dattebane."

"Well, you've never seen the world differently," her husband suggested, "How could you know?"

* * *

"I- I don't- Everything's so- Do other people see like this all the time?"

"More or less," Sasuke allowed a smirk to edge through his usual composure, "I imagine it's a lot like when I activated my Sharingan."

"I dunno 'bout that, but... Oh, man, I really gotta apologuise to Sakura now. I thought she was messing with me when she said she could read what the teacher wrote on the board!" Naruto turned in slow circles to take in as much of his surroundings as possible, "This is amazing! How can I- I- I don't think I can afford these..."

"Of course you can," the Uchiha disagreed, "My parents own this place."

"They do? Why?" Naruto scratched his head, "Who ever heard of an Uchiha who couldn't see right?"

"Without the Sharingan active? More than you'd think," Sasuke admitted, "We don't get immunity to eyestrain or information overload with our kekkei genkai like the Hyuga do. Unless you activate the Sharingan early enough like I did and practice lots, well... There's a reason my family owns the best optometrists in the village. So give me what you can afford to and still have enough for food and stuff, and I'll pay for 'em. Er, mom would want me to, and you might be a good sparring partner once you can see past your own nose, and I get a family discount."

"R-really?" Naruto adjusted his new impact-resistant, ninja-grade, prescription goggles (Bright orange, naturally), "Cool! I- I don't know what to say..."

 **"Thank him, kid."**

"O-Oh! Right. Thanks."

* * *

 **"I know what you did there."**

"What?" Sasuke sputtered. Damn, Naruto's not-imaginary 'aunt' still creeped him out. And how were they related, anyway? They looked nothing alike. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean?" Come on, voice, stop shaking!

 **I mean that there is no way Naruto could have afforded ninja grade, prescription goggles with self-adjusting seals in case his vision degrades further in the color and style of his choice, family discount or not,"** Oh, man, Sasuke'd thought only his brother could manage to put that much menace into slightly narrowed eyes. **"I also know the difference was quite significant, and that these goggles will likely save my nephew's life several times over once he graduates."**

"Well, mom told me to do it, and gave me the extra money," Sasuke admitted, "She said she knew Naruto's mom back when... Back when Naruto's mom was still alive, before the kyubi attack. And my mom said she felt really bad about not being able to help, because, uh, I don't know why. But I think it had something to do with that m- no, something to do with Danzo. Who isn't able to stop her anymore. She said we still can't be too open about it, though, because Naruto's parents made a lot of people in Iwa really mad back in the war. With what happened, I can't help but think about what it would have been like if my mom and dad had died. And Naruto, he's never even had parents. I guess... I wanted to help if I could."

 **"In that case, I think I need to go track down Mew. Even when he thinks he is helping, his idea of helpful might be burying your house in cotton candy because that would make _him_ feel better. A pleasure meeting you, Uchiha Sasuke. I am glad we had a chance to talk."**

* * *

"Really mad? Hahah, there's an understatement dattebane! They still checking under the Tsuchikage's granddaughter's bed for you every night, Minato?"

"Last time I checked, yes. Yes they are."

* * *

"Our target is a man Lord Jiraiya has tentatively identified as 'Tobi', a dangerous ninja of unknown origin who is mixed up in the civil war in Kirigakure. There isn't much intel on him out of there, but Jiraiya's informant insisted that this Tobi survived a battlefield on which Terumi Mei the Living Volcano and Yagura of the Three Tails were present... without suffering so much as a scratch," Uchiha Itachi 'said'. Though none of the ninja in the room had been speaking Yamanaka Sign for more than a few weeks, all three were already fluent enough to understand Itachi, who only had to spell out the occasional word. "Furthermore, in my aquaintence with him, he not only claimed to be an immortal Uchiha Madara but possessed sufficient skill to back it up."

"And Out Mission Is To Drive Him From Our Village In Youthful Battle?" Might Gai asked at (for him) a respectful volume.

"Not exactly," Itachi responded with a wan smile, "Our mission is to kill him dead. And then kill him a few more times, just to be certain."

"Ah," Gai's expression and demeanor abruptly and jarringly shifted, "So where do we start, sir?"

"Assassination missions have very different requirements than a defensive battle," Kakashi contributed, book closed but still in hand, "If we just wanted him gone that's simple enough even with an S-ranked ninja as the enemy. But to kill him, we need to keep him from escaping. And according to Jiraiya, Tobi navigated a battlefield containing two of the greatest masters of army-killer ninjutsu in the world without suffering crippling damage. I saw Mei fight once. She fires, and _everything_ dies. The Raikage himself barely got out of the area-of-lethality before it hit, and was burned so badly he was forced to retreat. The current Raikage is the fastest man alive."

"And Tobi has the Mangekyo Sharingan. He is a rogue Uchiha who watched his best friend die, probably killed him or her personally. As I discovered, unlike what the tablet in my clan's shrine suggests, actually slaying your friend personally is not necessary. However, he is unlikely to know this. That, though, is why neither of you may open your eyes when battling him," elaborated the loyal Uchiha, "Experimentation with my Mangekyo suggests that his does not possess a special genjutsu, which is good for us, as is that he seems to only have one eye. Less good is that we don't know what that eye's special power is. Each Mangekyo offers a unique ability, and both together offer a third. My own eyes allow me to use a genjutsu that as far as I can tell is essentially unbreakable, to summon a chakra-intensive but resilient defensive construct, and to generate inextinguishable black fire on anything I see. It is this that we will use to prevent his escape. Once he has been hit with my Amaterasu, it doesn't matter if he runs. And if he is hit with my ultimate genjutsu, my Tsukiyomi... I tested it with the only other loyal Uchiha to currently possess a Mangekyo, and it took her several minutes to break free. Plenty of time for either of you to finish him off."

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was not amused. "Naaaaruuuutoooo!" the Uchiha screamed as he raged across the playground, immature Sharingan whirling furiously. From its perch on top of his head, the true object and source of his ire enthusiastically aped the furious boy's movements, waving around a long nail with the head wrapped in twine for better gripping like a sword.

"I don't know how you did it," Sasuke seethed at his bemused classmate, "But I know you and that pink thing are responsible for this!"

"Uh, Sasuke, I don't know what ya mean," Naruto chuckled. It was just so funny how the little green and white thing on top of Sasuke's head acted out the Uchiha's mood, complete with nail waving and squeaky growls, that it was absolutely impossible to take Sasuke seriously. "And I have no idea what that is."

"Ralts!" the creature informed them, tapping its chest with the hilt of its nail-sword.

"Don't care!" the Uchiha ground out, "Fix this!"

"Fix what?" the jinchuriki asked, "It isn't hurting anything, is it?"

"It won't leave me alone! Every time I try to get rid of it it just appears on my head again! I can't even take a bath without it following me in!" Sasuke swiped at the tiny creature to demonstrate, and sure enough it vanished halfway to the ground, reappeared on Sasuke's head, and whacked him with the dull end of its nail. "Please! It tried to stab my cat for climbing into my bed this morning."

"Okay, so it's kinda like Hokori... Hey, hey! Maybe they can talk!"

"That's ridiculous," Sasuke explained with exaggerated patience. From his head, the ralts gleefully made scolding motions at Naruto. "All it says is 'ralts', and all yours says is 'dratini'."

"But Hokori can write, and he understands exactly what I'm saying, just like the Inuzuka dogs. Its acting kinda smart..." Naruto shrugged, "It's worth trying, right?"

* * *

"Hey, I'm Hokori. Who're you?"

"I was told my charge would want to provide me with a code name," the ralts replied, thrusting its nail into its string belt, "One I would use until the conclusion of my mission in Konohagakure on behalf of Lord Mew and my superiors."

"Oh, you're one of those guys! From that monastery north of Johto with all the Gallade and Lucario!" Hokori realized, "So what's your mission?"

"Correct. I am an initiate of the sacred disciples of the swords of justice," the psychic stated with pride, pulling a lead locket off his back and displaying the dark stone locked within. "Someday I will join them, but until then I have a sacred mission passed down by Mew himself. I am sworn to protect the princess of the ancient and noble Uchiha clan with my life!"

"Princess? What are you talking about? The Uchiha are pretty important here, yeah, but they're not royalty," Hokori questioned, "And Sasuke's a guy... It's hard to tell with humans until they hit puberty, but I'm sure of it."

"So a prince? No, more like a noble. But my mission is unchanged," the ralts vowed, "Honestly, my master said Mew might have gotten some of the details wrong. It wouldn't be the first time... But please don't tell anyone I said that."

"Lady Giratina said the same thing about Lord Mew, so I think it's common knowledge," comforted the dragon, "And speaking of Giratina, do you think that you could keep it quiet that she's skipping out on her sentence to come here? She, uh, owes a debt of honor to Naruto's dead parents," he explained, thinking quickly, "One she can't fufill from the distortion world."

"Very well, I shall not betray her trust. If others learn of her actions, it shall not be from my mind or lips!" the serious empath promised, "And for the disciples of the swords, our word is our bond! Though I may suffer tortures unending, I shall never betray my oath."

"Yes would have worked fine," muttered Hokori, before continuing in a brighter tone, "I'll tell the humans, unless you're a fast writer. They never understand us for some reason, but they can read fine. You might want to get a pad or a slate or something to communicate, unless you've got telepathy down."

"I shall double my training in the mental arts," the ralts declared, "But for now, perhaps you should handle it."

* * *

"He's basically a samurai, but with less objections to fighting dirty," Hokori scrawled in the dirt for the curious humans, "He's sworn himself to Sasuke, services and life if necessary. If you explain to him that you really need privacy, he'll give you it, but you aren't getting rid of him. He takes his duties very seriously. He also wants a code name for while he's on this assignment, like how Naruto named me Hokori." Except that the dragon actually considered his own name to be Hokori, and he felt like the Ralts thought of it differently.

"It- He wants me to name him? Uh, how about... Green?" Sasuke suggested the first thing to come to mind, "No? Uh, white? Picky? Annoying?" What would the little thing like? Every time he thought of it he kept going back to the silly little nail it waved around like it was made of gold and honor. "What about... Ha? (Edge, as in the edge of a sword.)". That, apparently, was acceptable.

* * *

"Ah, Itachi, good. I was beginning to think I'd never see you again. What happened to completing your mission for the good of Konoha?" Though his face was hidden behind an orange, cyclopean mask, the ninja's tone suggested gleefully malicious teasing. "Or do you really think you can take the entire clan by yourself in just one night? Er, Itachi? You going to say something? As much as I like the sound of my own voice, this is starting to get a little awkward. Ninja cat got your tongue? You know, if you get any more stoic you'll turn to stone. Am I talking to myself? 'No, Lord Madara, I'm here!'"

Tobi's voice went up an octave as he imitated Itachi. "Uh, you do exist, right? This isn't just my crazy talking? Oh, man, this is my crazy talking, isn't it. Here I am, sitting in the forest, monologuing away to my nonexistent friend while all the work I did on said friend gets picked apart by old Ibiki and his lackeys. I mean, sure, you and I were inevitably going to fall out in a messy, messy betrayal, but for all that you're the closest friend I've had in years, which is almost as sad as the fact that I'm pouring my heart out to a figment of my imagination. That is, assuming I still have one. A heart I mean, not an imagination."

"I know I've got an imagination, because I'm talking to a product of it. But my biology's gotten pretty weird lately and I honestly don't know if I still have a heart. I'd like to think I do, though. Wait, this is the messy yet inevitable betrayal isn't it! You're standing right behind me with a knife right now!" Tobi whirled around, hands raised, and saw... nothing.

Kakashi dropped out of the trees to the other masked man's left and lashed out with a kunai, aiming for the chest but hitting a shoulder as Tobi tried to dodge. "I knew it! This is the betrayal! But why? You still need me to... Kakashi? What're you-"

"Severe Leaf Hurricane!" Gai's flying kick caught the masked would-be murderer squarely in the torso. Ordinarily, this move would target the head, but when fighting blind the taijutsu expert preferred to aim for contact. Gai, who to test his strength regularly shattered boulders with his bare hands.

Tobi's body made some _interesting_ noises as it soared through the air to land at Itachi's feet. "You brought friends?!" the masked mist ninja groaned as he rose to shaky hand and knees. The other hand clutched at his at least fractured ribs. "That is totally bad form for an epic Uchiha vengeance showdown, you know. Demerits for you!"

Itachi cried tears of blood as he wove a simple genjutsu, allowing a single word to reverberate through the grove around them.

 _"Amaterasu."_


	5. The Edge of Tomorrow

_Itachi cried tears of blood as he wove a simple genjutsu, allowing a single word to reverberate through the grove around them._

 _"Amaterasu."_

* * *

 _"I wanna be the very best like no one ever was..."_

* * *

Rather than screaming in agony as the three leaf ninja expected, Tobi simply rolled out of the black flames, allowing them to burn on the ground beneath him. Itachi tried to capitalize on the opening created when the mist ninja stood up again, but passed right through him! An intangibility jutsu? Why hadn't he used it sooner? He could have avoided several fairly serious injuries.

Did it have a prohibitive chakra cost? If so, Tobi should have been showing signs of exhaustion, and he wasn't. All three leaf ninja possessed techniques with that limitation, and so were intimately familiar with the effects of using techniques that required more chakra than was wise to spend.

Was it difficult to use? Probably not, as he had activated it in the seconds between Itachi projecting the black fire and Tobi avoiding immolation.

There was no tactical reason to keep it hidden that Itachi could think of, not when using it could have saved Tobi from broken ribs...

So the jutsu probably had another side effect, one that wasn't immediately noticeable. Maybe it put lots of strain on the eyes or body...?

Having completed his analysis in a few fractions of a second, Itachi went on the offensive with a lightning-fast taijutsu combination attack alongside Gai. Both leaf ninja stayed on guard for another intangibility jutsu, but Tobi seemed determined to stay solid. The orange-masked ninja instead defended himself with surprising speed and strength and admittedly impressive physical skill. Odd. His right arm seemed significantly stronger and tougher than his other limbs.

He also looked really nervous, and not because Kakashi was lurking around the edges of the melee hoping to snipe Tobi with a quick jutsu. The mist ninja took great care to keep himself firmly balanced on the ground, and kept looking around, like he was expecting something even worse than being attacked by three of the most formidable ninja in Konoha to happen at any moment.

Perhaps the jutsu's side effect was psychological? Some kind of induced paranoia or chemical imbalance in the brain? Maybe, but Tobi didn't fight like he was mentally impaired.

Itachi ducked under a sweeping palm strike and thrust out with a kunai, but Tobi allowed his cloak to billow and tangle the weapon, yanking it from Itachi's hands. While the loyal Uchiha recovered, the mist ninja took the opportunity to focus on Gai, exchanging blows briefly before sneaking in a hit with his right arm and sending the taijutsu expert flying.

Unwilling to stay alone in melee with someone who, as much as Itachi hated to admit it, was better than him in a fistfight, Itachi substituted with a fallen log to gain some distance. He then generated a shadow doppelgänger and had that swap with the log, so fast as to appear seamless. Tobi's single eye was pointed at Gai, so he was unlikely to have noticed.

Tobi turned back to the doppelgänger and the two engaged briefly while Gai unlatched a set of weights from his ankles and wrists. Kakashi helpfully stepped up his fire support to preserve the doppelgänger with a hail of lightning-charged kunai and speedy bursts of high pressure water that punched through tree trunks when they missed.

Itachi added to his foe's misery by summoning a small murder of his crow summons to dive bomb Tobi with senbon needles, sharp claws, and bursts of vision-obscuring feathers. The direct approach hadn't worked very well, so why not try attrition? With so many attacks incoming, some were bound to make contact.

And Tobi couldn't keep from making mistakes forever. Just before the latest feather burst went off in his face, the mist ninja noticed a volley of water bursts headed for his right arm. Where had Kakashi learned the Hozuki water gun jutsu, anyway? That was supposed to be a secret technique! Tobi swiftly jerked his arm out of the line of fire.

Directly into the path of a lightning kunai. His right arm was severed above the elbow. Itachi smiled slightly. _Boom._

The shadow clone exploded, throwing Tobi backward and forcing him to phase again or break his spine against a nearby tree. As the mist ninja picked himself up again, a high-pitched whine filled the air, rising in intensity as it dopplered closer. Both sides eyed each other suspiciously, wondering _"Is the other guy doing this?"_

A massive, black creature soared overhead, enveloped in a corona of brilliant lightning chakra. Before the astonished eyes of the assembled ninja, the creature barreled through the canopy, shaking the earth as it landed in an explosive discharge of energy. Apparently deciding that its entrance wasn't dramatic enough, the creature flared its wings and gathered more energy in the beehive-shaped growth on the end of its tail, arcing raw power, as it assumed a rather Jiraiya-like pose.

 **"Hail, Hero of Ideals!"**

* * *

 **"Oh, no. Nonono. Why does the universe do this to me?"** moaned Giratina, her face buried in her inky tentacles. Before her, her mirror's picture displayed the now quite disrupted battlefield. **"Is this your doing, father? Some kind of grand, cosmic retribution for caring too deeply? Anyone but _those_ idiots!"**

* * *

"What?" For once, all four ninja were on the same page.

"Who?" added Kakashi, a bit faster on the uptake than the others, as he realized how wonderfully nonspecific the creature's statement was.

"I Shall Prove My Ideals As Involute As My Skill! You Shall Not Regret Your Choice!" Gai struck a pose too, back ramrod ramrod straight, arm extended, and thumb raised toward the sky. Light flashed off his smile with a faint 'ping'. "If I Cannot I Shall Read The Entire Konoha Library's Philosophy Section In Just One Month, And If I Cannot Do That I Shall Continue Reading Until I Have Finished. That Is A Promise!"

But the being knelt before Tobi. **"You who would shape the world to your ideals, I pledge myself to your service and the future your ideals hold. What is your bidding, hero?"** The charge in the creature's tail built up further. **"Shall we drive our enemies from the field in glorious battle?"**

Tobi looked from his enemies to the giant monster that was apparently on his side this time, thank the Kami. This is what he got for using Kamui again! The beast seemed to be quite powerful, and adept with lightning style, generally a very close range type of ninjutsu.

Trying to get into close combat against someone with the Amaterasu without total surprise or a teleportation jutsu on your side is suicide.

"Get us out of here! Now!"

* * *

 **"That was Zekrom. One of the Tao twins. The dumber one, if such a thing is possible. Zekrom and his brother Reshiram wake during times of great strife and select a champion that resonates deeply with their values. Zekrom chooses someone who fights for their ideals with unsurpassed dedication, and Reshiram someone who is similarly enamored of truth. They call them the Heroes of Truth and Ideals, but actually being heroic is not a requirement,"** Giratina, speaking to the Hokage and the Tobi assassination team in human form in the privacy of the Hokage's office, took a few moments to collate her thoughts, **"If Zekrom has chosen his hero, Reshiram will likely do the same very soon, if he hasn't already, and the idiots will compel their champions to battle each other. Whoever wins, or is the most convincing, will gain the immense power of both twins, which is far greater when united, to fight for their truth or ideals."**

"So we have no way of knowing where and when this other twin will turn up. Nor any way to control or discern where his loyalties lie," Hiruzen fought the urge to rest his face on his desk. He was getting way too old for this. Why couldn't Minato have let his predecessor be the one to seal the fox and finally get some rest? "So is there anything at all we can do?"

 **"Hope the Heroes end up killing each other,"** Giratina advised morosely, **"And make absolutely certain that the next generations of ninja are as capable as they can possibly be, the better to weather the coming storm. The Tao twins cannot be swayed from their course by anything short of vastly superior firepower, and they always appear when great strife is already on the way. They are a symptom, not a cause, but they rarely bring about times of peace."**

* * *

"Hey, you boys ready?"

Naruto directed an ear-to-ear smile at Umino Iruka, his favorite of the academy instructors. "Of course I am! This is gonna be awesome! You can count on us, sensei."

"We've only been preparing for months," Sasuke groused, fingering his kunai holster, packed full of blunted practice weapons. "If we weren't ready you'd be totally incompetent." At his side, Ha brandished a wooden dowel (A less dangerous stand-in for his customary nail) and issued a shrill cry of challenge. Hokori responded with a menacing hiss. The dratini had grown significantly in the three years Naruto had spent in the academy, and was now close to five feet long, approaching his full growth. Not that anyone living in Konoha, Naruto and Hokori included, knew how big dratini could grow.

"Well, I keep reminding you because you two get rather competitive at times," Iruka explained, "So I'll say it again. This is an exhibition match. Your job is to give an impressive, controlled, and skillful display of what upper level academy students can do. Enlistment rates always go up after a good exhibition."

"Which means no strikes between the legs, eye gouging, or sneaking sharp weapons into your pouches," Iruka informed them, "And yes, Sasuke, this means you. Keep it friendly, understood?"

"Whatever. He heals fast," scoffed Sasuke, until Iruka gave him a Look. "Fine." The Uchiha dug into the pouch at his hip and handed over three kunai, a spool of razor wire, and Ha's nail. "But I want that stuff back afterwards. It's not against the rules unless I use it on somebody, anyway."

"And Naruto," Iruka turned to address the snickering blonde, whose mirth at Sasuke's grilling quickly disappeared when the sensei's attention moved. "If it would get you arrested in a civilian village, it is forbidden. No centerfold jutsu, no pranking supplies, and no glitter. _No. glitter._ "

"Hey, that stuff's legit ninja tactics!" Naruto protested, "It works great!"

"Maybe so, but it's not what parents want to see when they're considering enrolling their children in the academy," Iruka did his best to fix his point in the students' heads. "So keep it clean, keep it safe, and do your best. I'm sure you'll do great. Oh, and Sasuke? Knife. And the senbon. All of them."

"Che!" Sasuke unstrapped matching senbon holsters, a sheathed tanto, and another nail from under his arm warmers and handed them over too. "Almost got them past you," the Uchiha muttered in satisfaction.

"Keep telling yourself that, and you'll get killed on your first infiltration mission," the sensei reprimanded cheerfully, "Now go make me proud."

* * *

Naruto, Sasuke, and their Pokemon squared off in the traditional academy round, surrounded by current and potential students. Naturally the students, who knew the fighters by reputation and sometimes by acquaintance, began cheering for their favorite.

Sasuke's supporters, attracted by the prestigious Uchiha name and Sasuke's enviable skills that put him at the top of the class, were more numerous. But Naruto's fans, won over by his pranks and jokes or simply drawn to an underdog, certainly had volume. Kiba alone made enough noise for ten children.

Sasuke moved first, into the guard position for the Uchiha intercepting fist style. He angled his body and slid one hand up to guard the face and the other down to protect the groin. Beside him, Ha took up a kendo stance with his dowel and raised his spirits with a squeaky growl.

On the other side of the ring, Naruto lowered himself into the Aburame rhinocerous beetle style guard he'd learned from Shino. He assumed a wide, stable stance, hands close to his body and protecting the face. At his feet, Hokori sprawled with deceptive laziness, the position actually allowing faster acceleration than the Pokemon's customary coil.

The two humans glared into each other's eyes, and then Sasuke moved first, the single tomoe in his Sharingan whirling slowly. Neither genin favored a particularly aggressive fighting style, but Sasuke's Uchiha taijutsu was far more offensive than Naruto's borrowed techniques.

Sasuke feinted a wild right at Naruto's head, then reversed into a back-handed blow that met Naruto's blocking forearms with a dull thud.

Naruto took a few steps forward as Hokori snaked his tail behind Sasuke's legs in an attempt to trip him, but the dragon was forced to withdraw his tail ahead of a Kiai from Ha, visible thanks to the fairy-typed energy permeating the shout.

Sasuke smoothly retreated while Ha grasped a rock twice the ralts' size in a psychic grip, hurling it forward and to Naruto's right. Until Sasuke substituted with the rock and sent it crashing straight into the Uzumaki's guard.

Naruto was forced to spend a few seconds shaking off the hit, time Sasuke exploited ruthlessly. The young Uchiha still couldn't perform the Grand Fireball without the full chain of hand seals. However, the relatively long prep time also let Hokori figure out exactly what Sasuke was planning. This wouldn't be the first time he'd tried to set Naruto on fire.

The dragon took a deep breath, drawing from the blazing draconic energy in his body, now more a roaring bonfire than a spark. Then he exhaled a spiraling vortex of air, crackling with power, that blew apart the fireball, exhausting itself in the process. Hokori started to prepare a second twister, but Ha distracted him by rapping the dratini over the nose, sending the winds wide.

Not really bothered by the dragon-type attack, the ralts continued his assault with an elaborate kenjutsu kata that, as per the rules of the spar, Hokori had to treat as a viable threat. After all, Hokori could shrug off hits from the light dowel, but he couldn't take too many of the deep (for someone his size) stab wounds Ha's nail would inflict.

Meanwhile, Sasuke had to scramble for safety from Naruto's own winds, as the blonde had finally learned wind style: breakthrough. While wind jutsu are usually a really bad idea against an Uchiha, since they make fire techniques stronger, Naruto had a crucial advantage.

Wind style: breakthrough needs a maximum of two hand seals. Fire style: Grand Fireball cast by a novice like Sasuke needs eight. Even though Sasuke had faster hands and advanced warning from his Sharingan, Naruto was still quicker on the draw. The wind jutsu swept across the ring and the onlookers, stirring dust and leaves, and drawing an appreciative "Ooooh" from the audience.

After all, being able to learn elemental techniques before even leaving the academy was usually restricted to Uchiha and their unusually strong affinity for fire. All else aside, this showed that Naruto was a prodigy in his own right. It had taken him two years to learn the jutsu, but he had nonetheless.

And Sasuke couldn't copy it because he didn't know how to make wind-style chakra, even though he'd certainly seen the jutsu done enough times. Instead, the Uchiha lit up a dye stick and swept it through the air in front of him.

Dye sticks are harder to use than smoke bombs because they need external ignition and to be waved around to cover an area. On the other hand, they release obscuring material for thirty seconds a stick, and the material is much heavier and harder to blow away than more conventional smoke. Perfect for fighting a wind adept.

From the cloud of dye six slightly purple Sasukes charged Naruto. Having already recieved some genjutsu training from his family, Sasuke could modify his clones to look like they had actually passed through the dye.

Having finally securely wrapped the scrappy ralts (for the moment at least), Hokori fired another twister to clear the clones, and... popped all six. The dye cloud cleared, revealing the Uchiha's original position, but no Sasuke.

Naruto turned about, trying to spot his opponent, while Hokori had to focus on keeping his prisoner well-constricted. Where could Sasuke have hid without getting a ring out? Wait, was that hazy patch of air there before?

Sasuke's half-functional concealment genjutsu collapsed as soon as Naruto realized it existed, but the Uchiha had no way of knowing that Naruto had broken it, not unless Naruto reacted like he had. Sasuke was good at illusions for his age, but not that good. Especially since the technique had only worked this well due to the illusion-amplifying power of the Sharingan and Naruto's complete lack of skill in the offensive mental arts.

So Naruto made a show of cluelessly panning his head back and forth, while Sasuke 'snuck' closer. At least until the Uchiha got within reach.

"Hah, take this, bastard!" Naruto yelled, snaking his hands through Sasuke's lax guard. Thinking himself invisible, Sasuke hadn't held his stance, and he was going to regret that now.

Naruto levered the Uchiha's hands apart, grabbed the front of Sasuke's shirt, and slammed an elbow into his face. The Uzumaki then slid a foot behind one of Sasuke's and cracked him over the head again, accompanied by a shove. This time Sasuke tripped over the well-placed limb, and went down hard. Naruto quickly spun his foe around and pinned Sasuke under his weight. Sasuke wiggled impotently, but was unable to reach his weapon pouch.

Ha teleported out of the wrap, having finally focused through the pain long enough to use his powers, only to be promptly thunder waved. The ralts' psychic powers shared the paralyzing effects with his opponent, but the outer layers of the dratini's skin cracked and fell off, leaving him unaffected. And whatever Ha had traced apparently wasn't that particular ability. Crap.

Ha attempted another confusion, the only thing he could do without moving, but Hokori tipped the paralyzed ralts over, face first, disrupting his concentration again, and then sat on him. Sasuke, having had a good view of this from underneath Naruto, finally sighed and tapped out.

* * *

"Not bad, Naruto. You have validated my decision to share knowledge with you yet again," Shino congratulated his friend on a successful demonstration, "This makes it eleven to thirty-one in Sasuke's favor, yes?"

"Thirty-two," the Uchiha corrected, "The dunce is getting better, but he's not there yet. Maybe by the time we're ready to retire he'll be close to my equal."

"Hah! I'm gonna be the best ninja in the village someday, just you wait," insisted Naruto, "That's how I'll become Hokage. You an' Kiba can fight for the number two spot."

"I'm sure you'll become Hokage," Sakura affirmed, "If only because Sasuke doesn't want to."

"Correct," the Uchiha agreed, eyeing the girl in discomfort, "I have absolutely no desire to become Hokage."

"But you were awesome out there, Sasuke," Yamanaka Ino flattered, "So strong and skilled and handsome..."

"I- I'm sure that was just a fluke," Sakura added, "Naruto just got lucky. You're amazing, and-"

"If you told me what I did wrong that would be more helpful," Sasuke cut them off, "Hn."

"Bu- but you were perfect, Sasuke," Ino protested, "You did everything right. Naruto just got lucky."

"Yeah! His wild swing just happened to hit you through the invisibility jutsu," Cut in the pink-haired girl, "No offense, Naruto. But invisible enemies are really hard to fight. You can't count on luck like that in the field."

"Lucky hit? Hah. Don't make fools of yourselves. Naruto broke my weak genjutsu within a minute of my using it. And then he fooled me into thinking he hadn't until it was too late," Sasuke explained, "The fact that you two didn't break it says as much about your skills as it does about his."

"I was too passive, though. I shoulda moved around more, thrown my weight around, long with some shuriken," Naruto pointed out, ignoring the girls' indignant proclamations of competence. "I love my wind jutsu, but I should've thought of other attacks rather than spamming it and letting you set up that double bluff. And I shoulda seen that substitution jutsu coming. Gotta work on my situational awareness."

"Do not let mom or big brother hear you say that," Sasuke whispered harshly, grabbing Naruto's collar and forcing him into close eye contact, "You will never sleep soundly again. Never. Ever. _Ever_."

"Hahah, guess Uchiha exercises can get intense," Kiba observed, coming up behind the group, "Mom and Hana will be happy to help, buddy. Won't be pleasant, but they at least don't jump you while you're sleeping."

* * *

 _"Orochimaru. You have been acting... more furtive than usual lately. Have you been sampling my Akatsuki without permission again?"_

"What? No! It isn't me this time," the Sannin protested, "Somebody thinks they're a few pints light, have them check with Sasori or maybe Hidan. He seems like he could be in to that sort of thing. I can honestly say I had nothing to do with it. Within the last ten months, at least. And Kakuzu killed that guy, so he couldn't possibly have complained." The last sentence was said in a mumble.

 _"Good. Is it anything that concerns Akatsuki? Do not lie to me, Sannin. Your goodwill has already been stretched to the breaking point."_

"Would you believe that I honestly don't know yet, sir?" Orochimaru tapped the hilt of Kusanagi in contemplation. Sure, he could carry it swallowed all the time, but keeping it in a sheath on his belt was much more comfortable and convenient when he didn't need to conceal it. "I've been getting some interesting biological samples from my spies in Konoha and Kumo, but even flash cloning is by no means as swift as the name implies. However, if I do get useful results, I will be sure to inform you."

 _"See that you do."_

* * *

 **"Hail, Hero of Truth!"**

Hoshigaki Kisame looked up from the corpse of the latest hunter-ninja from Kiri to have more skill than wisdom. After all, if wisdom had trumped skill the assassin would have never attacked him. The rogue from hidden mist's mouth hung open as he took in the massive, white being before him, even as he interposed Samehada between himself and the creature. Kisame hadn't earned his S rank without a healthy dose of paranoia.

"What. The fuck. Are you? And if you lie to us, Samehada and I will dine well tonight," Kisame informed the thing. Sure, it was kind of unnerving that something so big had managed to sneak up on him, but it took more than that to intimidate the Scourge of Kirigakure.

 **"Very well. I am Reshiram, and that answer is exactly why I wish to speak with you, Hero of Truth..."**


	6. Who is Uzumaki Naruto?

_"To catch them is the real test, to train 'em is my cause."_

* * *

Umino Iruka panned his eyes over the assembled students (mostly) diligently working in his classroom. It was just a few days until the big test, the one that would decide who would become genin, and who would require another year of schooling. Most of the students were appropriately impressed with the gravity of the situation, but now that there was a lull in the stream of questions, the sensei felt like checking over the study hall.

It seemed out of character for _all_ the usual suspects to be present in class without a test in progress.

Nara Shikamaru had his head down on his desk, but he was quizzing Ino on the timeline of the Third Great Ninja War, so it was probably really him.

Akimichi Choji was solving math problems out of the back of a book with the speed of desperation. No trouble there.

Kiba _and_ Akamaru were both present in the back, though they probably assumed nobody could see the rather sappy Shojo manga behind their history textbook. Even though the manga had the dog and his boy in well-concealed tears. Well, Kiba needed the practice reading, so whatever book motivated him was just fine with Iruka.

* * *

 **"I really should have held out for a Konoha library card when I struck that deal with Minato,"** Giratina sighed, adjusting her mirror to get a clearer view over Kiba's shoulder. **"Dog boy had better have the rest of this series, or I will haunt his dreams..."**

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was here, writing notes with his enthusiastically stabby pet.

And Naruto was here, staring off into space. Well, better than absent, but- Where was the snake? Naruto and Hokori the snake were practically joined at the hip! And there was no way Iruka has missed a six foot long, bright blue snake. So where was the animal?

As soon as he questioned Naruto's prescence, the blonde vanished like he was never there. Genjutsu. Which meant...

"Sasuke?" Iruka's tight smile couldn't quite reach his eyes. "Where exactly is Naruto?"

"Uchiha Sasuke. Pre-genin. 24571."

"What?" Why was Sasuke spouting nonsense at him?

"Uchiha Sasuke. Pre-genin. 24571." Sasuke calmly scribbled down another note.

Wait a second... "Don't use counter-interrogation techniques on your sensei!"

"Uchiha Sasuke. Pre-genin. 24571."

"And you don't have a serial number yet! You aren't a ninja yet!"

"It wasn't that hard to figure out," Shikamaru contributed, still resting his head on his hands. "They've been using the same algorithm for ten years. It was less troublesome to tell them."

"You're in on this?! So where's Naruto?"

"Ugh, so troublesome. Nara Shikamaru. Pre-genin. 23792."

"Inuzuka Kiba! Pre-genin! 12345?"

"Woof!"

"Right! 30809."

"Aburame Shino. Pre-genin. 68525."

"Hehe. Yamanaka Ino. Pre-genin. 98306."

"Haruno Sakura. Pre-genin. 84747."

"Crap," Iruka's smile evaporated under the united front. "I'm gonna have to call your parents, aren't I."

"Uchiha Sasuke. Pre-genin. 24571."

* * *

"Please, Sakura, we need you to give us some answers," To say that the interrogations had not gone well would be a massive understatement. Yamanaka Inoichi in particular didn't know whether to cry tears of joy or terror that his daughter had picked up so much of the clan's renowned psychological techniques... and then passed the public ones on to her friends. Everything from threats to bribery had spectacularly failed, and unless the assembled adult ninja were willing to break out the harder techniques they weren't getting anywhere. Haruno Mebuki, self-proclaimed most badass mom this side of the military/civilian line, had a few more tricks up her nonexistent sleeves.

"Naruto could be in danger right now," the trader observed, drawing on years of experience as a mother and in parting everyone from ninja to the Daimyo of Wind himself from their hard-earned cash to break through to her daughter. "He could be stuck down hole somewhere, or have wandered into a training ground and gotten caught in the fringes of a jutsu, or..." She trailed off and concentrated on the thought of Sakura in the same situation so that tears would well up in her eyes, and was gratified when her daughter's lip began to quiver. _Gotcha._

Who needed ninja powers when mom powers worked just as well?

Then Sakura smiled a very evil smile. "You're all asking the wrong questions. Instead of 'Do you know where Naruto is?', you should be asking 'What has Naruto been up to, unsupervised, for the past four hours?'"

Most of the adults looked at each other in confusion, but a few got the message. Iruka, having been the one to track down Naruto on most of the days he decided to play hooky, lure him back with ramen (and then deal with the fallout) went deathly pale. Itachi, familiar with Naruto from years on his ANBU bodyguard squad, immediately scanned the classroom for traps. Aburame Shibi, Shino's father, subtly placed himself so that Hyuga Hiashi would be between him and the most obvious places to conceal a particularly messy trap.

Iruka leaped out of the window, swearing under us breath. Well, of all the adults in the room he knew Naruto best. He'd have the best chance of finding him.

Iruka, a few chunin roped in to help, and a curious, off-duty Hatake Kakashi swept the village for Naruto. They didn't catch any sign of him.

* * *

The next morning, Naruto and Hokori wandered into the classroom, looking rather bedraggled, as though nothing was wrong. Boy and Pokemon were covered in ink splatters but Naruto looked rather pleased with himself.

"Naruto! Where have you been?" Iruka wasn't looking too good himself, having been up all night trying to find his wayward student, "We were so worried! Your classmates wouldn't tell us anything."

"They didn't know anything," Naruto insisted, "I didn't tell 'em I was skipping."

"So where were you?" Iruka took in Naruto's appearance, and sighed, "So who did you prank this time, then? And how did you hide from the ANBU? Lord Hokage called them out when you'd been gone for hours! We though you'd been kidnapped!"

"Eh? I never left the academy! I was in the library the whole time!" The boy scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "I figured that if I could get good at making those 'splodey seals and storage seals Uncle Jiraiya showed me you might let me pass even though I suck at doppelgängers. So I was up all night practicing. They work like all the time now!"

"Functioning explosive seals?!" That was almost worse than if he had gone pranking! "Naruto, it is very important that you are completely honest in your answer to this question. How many explosive seals are you carrying right now?"

"Uh, like sixty?" Iruka started twitching. That was enough explosives to level the academy three times over! Unless a tag was perfectly made, overexposure to chakra could set it off. And Naruto was not only a self-admitted novice of the art, he also had the worst chakra control of anyone in the graduating class. "But Uncle Jiraiya says the really awesome ones are for chunin and better, so mine just make light an' smoke an' noise." Iruka couldn't hear him; the poor chunin had already started foaming at the mouth. Hokori tentatively prodded the catatonic teacher with his tail, sending the unfortunate ninja toppling over backwards.

"Mizuki-sensei! Naruto broke Iruka-sensei!"

Naruto exploded in a massive cloud of purple and orange smoke, strobing lights, and deafening bangs.

* * *

Naruto was feeling stressed. Of course, he almost always felt this way on exam days, but today was different. This exam would determine whether he got to become a genin at the same time as all his friends or not!

The blonde knew he had bombed the math and science portions. He now understood why every ninja, not just those in intelligence and R&D, needed a basic foundation in these skills. Unfortunately, he only figured this out after four years of schooling, and was forced to spend the last year playing desperate and only partially-successful catch-up.

Fortunately, with his legible handwriting and newly perfect vision he had probably passed the Japanese and history portions (Thank you soooo much, Sasuke and Sakura!). His sharp vision had also carried him to respectable scores in target practice.

He hadn't bombed the stealth portion, but sneaky and subtle would never be Naruto's strong suits. Naruto's pranks were mostly concealed by sheer chutzpah. After all, because the Hyuga and Uchiha had super eyes they never expected anyone to even try to sneak past them. Just like nobody ever expected someone to try to paint the Hokage monument in broad daylight, or distract them by turning into a naked girl, or any of the other tricks he'd used over the years.

Cat mask guy and Aburame-sensei, tasked with evaluating skills not included in the basic academy curriculum, were pretty impressed with his seals and his wind jutsu, though. And Naruto's transformation and substitution jutsu were flawless, even if he needed the hand signs to do them because his chakra control still sucked.

He could, however, use the wall climbing technique to get a few yards up a tree, and Hyuga-sensei said that was an acceptable way to demonstrate his chakra control. He also cracked Nara-sensei's sample code in ten minutes flat. Even Shikamaru took twelve! Naruto privately thought that after learning some of the basics of deciphering the functions of other people's seals, the code was pretty easy. He didn't say it though, because he didn't like it when people said the stuff he thought was hard was easy.

Like the genjutsu test with Yamanaka-sensei. Most of Naruto's friends thought that was pretty easy, but Naruto took six tries to dispel the illusion. That was pretty bad.

Naruto and Hokori's taijutsu combination passed with flying colors, and both boy and Pokemon also passed the physical evaluation seperately, a testing procedure usually used for Inuzuka and their dogs. Ninja animals and their partners had to be able to operate without their chosen ally if need be. This way, if one was critically injured, the other could protect their partner and possibly complete the mission.

Both of them passed the field first aid test as well. Anything that might keep Naruto from losing one of his friends was well worth the effort. He would never have the control for medical ninjutsu, but he could bandage and stitch, splint and medicate with the best in his class. And Hokori was about as skilled as someone with no limbs could be.

But, Naruto hadn't been able to do the doppelgänger jutsu at all. Even though everyone from his classmates to Auntie G had tried to help (although Auntie G called it double team for some reason, it was the same jutsu), he just couldn't make it work. Iruka-sensei had even taken time after school for a month to help, with no success. Hokori could make doppelgängers and he'd learned the same way, which meant it wasn't the teachers' faults, but that made it even more frustrating.

Uncle Jiraiya said that if he tried using the other kinds of doppelgängers Jiraiya knew, he'd die of chakra exhaustion, so that was out. And a 'no credit' on any part of the test meant a lot more than getting partial credit by doing badly.

So Naruto was sweating bullets, and he had a long wait. The students were given their final scores in alphabetical order, and the only person after Naruto was Yamanaka Ino. Unlike him, she was confident she'd passed.

* * *

Eventually, finally, Naruto's name was called and he entered the room with uncharacteristic nervous silence, although he spared a hopeful glance toward the row of unclaimed hiate-ate armored headbands, etched with the symbol of Konohagakure, still on the desk. Since they ordered a hiate-ate for every student, that meant that five hadn't passed. Gulp.

Wordlessly, Mizuki-sensei handed him his score sheet. Seventy percent. He needed seventy-one to pass.

"Damn it," Naruto let the tears fall, "Now all my friends are gonna... I really thought I could do it. I was so close, too!" Unnoticed by the blonde, his pants tore with a faint 'shhhritch!' as he clenched his hands inside his pockets. Mizuki grimaced sympathetically.

"I know it sucks, kid. I did the math three times 'cause I couldn't believe it. You really gave it your best effort. If you'd just gotten one more math problem..." The instructor visibly wrestled with a thought for a few minutes before he continued in a quieter voice, "I probably shouldn't do this, but I feel like somebody with your dedication and loyalty to your friends would be great for Konoha. I feel like you're gonna go far, kid, and I don't want to be the one to get in the way of that. So, tell you what. In the Hokage tower, behind the old man's office, there's a room full of scrolls. It's a tradition that if somebody gets as close to passing as you did and learns a jutsu from the largest scroll in that room, they can pass anyway. Orochimaru passed that way, you know. Not the nicest man to hold up as an example, but whatever else you can say about him he was a great ninja."

"And he was an orphan just like you. Just like you he didn't have ninja parents or a clan to teach him what he needed to pass, so he needed that last point. The jutsu he learned propelled him toward a position as one of Konoha's legendary Sannin! It's a demonstration of your skill, so even the Hokage himself is honor bound to stop you if he catches you, whether or not he wants you to pass."

"Now, I know this clearing a few miles from Konoha, near an abandoned shack. If you take the scroll there, you should be able to study long enough to learn a jutsu before somebody finds you. Maybe even two, and one-up the Sannin! Just demonstrate it to them and you'll be a genin for sure..."

* * *

"Hey, Naruto, come back! Where does the brat think he's going?" Jiraiya scratched his chin, "We gotta celebrate him passing!"

 **"What if... What if he didn't pass?"**

"Don't be ridiculous! He's got a better grasp of the basics than I did when I graduated," observed the Sannin, "But that would explain... I'd better go after him. Shouldn't leave him alone with that."

 **"No. Let him sort it out himself. He will not want our prescence now, however well intentioned. Trust me. When he is ready to talk, he will come to us."**

"You know, now that I know you actually exist, it really just makes this even creepier. Can't believe Sarutobi-sensei was keeping this from me."

 **"So I have been told by every living person I have consulted on the subject."**

"You mean everybody you've spoken to."

 **"No."**

* * *

"Naruto! What are you doing in my house in the middle of the night?"

"O- Old man! Crap! Uh, uh, ninja centerfold!"

"... Oh, my."

"Ti-NI!" 'Kzzzzt!'

* * *

In Mizuki-sensei's secret training ground, Naruto and Hokori unrolled the massive scroll, almost as tall as the young human was, to reveal the first item on the scroll: a storage seal? Mizuki-sensei said that Naruto needed to learn a jutsu from the scroll, but maybe there was an awesome weapon inside the seal. Or maybe the jutsu scroll was inside the seal. After all, it wasn't like either of them had seen inside a high level jutsu scroll before.

So, carefully following uncle Jiraiya's instructions, Naruto applied chakra to the seal and pulled another scroll, almost as large as the first, from the extradimensional storage space. He'd been right! It was a jutsu scroll in a scroll!

Eagerly, Naruto spread the new scroll on the ground. From where it had been rolled up in the scroll, a small metal object rolled out, and Naruto grabbed it before it hit the ground. Holding his prize up to the moonlight, Naruto saw he was holding a small trinket, kind of like a cross between the hair pins Sakura would wear and the medals he saw retired ninja wearing sometimes on formal occasions. The strange pin was topped by a blue and green polished stone the size of a marble with a black design on the top that Naruto didn't recognize.

After a few moments of fumbling, Naruto fastened the pin to his shoulder, underneath the spiral charm he wore on his left shoulder, and returned to the scroll itself. He figured it might have something to do with the jutsu inside, and it wasn't like anybody was using it anyway. He started reading, out loud of course. He still wasn't a very strong reader.

"Scroll of Champions. Let it be known that all those within are the Chosen, champions of the Pokemon League, having earned their title in courage, strength of body, and resilience of spirit," What's a Pokemon? Shrugging, Naruto turned back to the scroll, finding what looked like a list of names in a strange ink. No, that was blood! The oldest names were too faded to read, but the newer names could still be deciphered. "Uh, Red of Pallet. Lance of Blackthorn. Steven Stone. Cynthia of Cel-es-tic?" Man, these were some weird names. "Iris the Dragon Speaker. Duchess Diantha. Ash Ketchum. Ootsutsuki Hagoromo. Hokori, do you know who these guys are?"

The dratini thought for a moment, but nothing really came to mind... "I think my parents told me a story about a hero named Lance who lived a long time ago," Hokori scratched uncertainly into the dirt, "Maybe they're the same person?"

"Well, should I sign it?" Hokori gave the snake equivalent of a shrug. How should he know? "I wanna be a champion! That sounds cool, like somebody strong," Naruto declared, already drawing a kunai. The jinchuriki pricked his finger and scrawled his name on the next available space. "There!" He leaned back in satisfaction, slapping his open, bloody hand below his signature to match the fingerprints underneath the previous names.

* * *

"Did somebody just sign the scroll of champions? There's a champion?!"

"I thought our duties were just a formality at this point! There hasn't been an active league in nearly two thousand years."

"My grandfather knew this day would come. His sight was always the clearest. And to think we thought he was going senile..."

* * *

Three massive puffs of smoke surrounded Naruto and Hokori, prompting them to whirl, back to back, to face the potential threat. However, neither of them expected what they saw.

The smoke cleared to reveal three canine beings. The first stood taller than Naruto on his hind legs, in a straight, powerful stance. His fur was dark, though moonlight glistened off spikes on his wrists and a dusting of silver around his muzzle. A faint, blue glow surrounded the creature where he was not covered by his subdued kimono (which had a masculine cut), like some great power was barely restrained under its skin. He also had a pair of reading glasses balanced on his long, blue nose, and several pens stowed behind his ears.

The second also stood on two legs, albeit hunched over a monk's shakujō. On the rings at the top of the staff, a calligraphy brush, a pot of ink, and a pair of spoons hung. Most of the Pokemon's body was covered by a roughspun robe and cloak, but a vulpine muzzle graced by sweeping, mustache-like whiskers peeked out.

The third stood on four legs, and looked rather like someone had fused a poodle with the seven legendary swords of hidden mist using some forbidden jutsu. Its white fur and black skin made a shocking contrast, though the sweeping blades on its head and tail and the vicious claws on each paw commanded the most attention.

And all three of them were looking right at Naruto.

"Hail, champion," the first one spoke, "We are the Keepers of the Hoenn League records. I am the Librarian. My companions are the Scribe and the Sentinel. Of course, it has been a rather long time since there have been any records to keep."

"The script?" the monk chuckled, shaking his head in response to the four-legged one's uneasy whine. Of course, the fact that he was speaking without moving his mouth would have freaked Naruto out if the boy had noticed. But Naruto wasn't a very observant person, so he didn't and calm was preserved. "It's been many years and many generations since our ancestors were last called upon to fill their duties. I doubt the version of the script we have is current or relevant, or that it would mean anything to our young champion here."

"I sense the aura of but a few of our number in the area, most deep in slumber or hidden far away," the librarian murmured unhappily, "As if that monster wasn't bad enough, two thousand years of the warring clans... But that is of no matter at the moment. There are some things that you must know, young champion."

"Oh, lighten up, ya old stiff-neck," the scribe bonked his friend over the head with a faint clank of shakujō against steel bone, "He needs to fill out a bit first, before he can perform the traditional duties. We ought to wait until he's at least twenty. Let him do that puberty thing humans do. Right now, it'd be like sending a riolu to do your job. Our families have waited for this for thousands of years. We can wait a little longer."

"I really miss working with your father," the steel type grumbled, before falling silent for a few moments. "Very well. Young champion, by dint of lack of competition, you have become the Hoenn League Champion. This is not to say that you will not be one day truly worthy, but you are not at the moment. Now, the league currently has a membership of exactly one, you, and no assets to speak of. Also, you are obviously barely half-trained, and in no condition to lead. So your duties are relatively simple at the moment. Become strong and wise enough to lead. If you require our advice or assistance, you may summon us as needed. However, our duty is to protect the scroll and any other documents, records, books, scrolls, et cetera that you may acquire for the league. We would really appreciate not being dropped into a battle of arms, which might put our charges in danger."

"Much better," the monk stated, banging the butt of his shakujō against the ground with a clatter, "Now that stuffy old lucario is kind of a stick in the mud, but sentinel absol and I are happy to help you in any way that doesn't imperil the records. So good luck, and don't hesitate to send a summoning jutsu if you need us." The three guards and the scroll vanished in another burst of smoke.

Naruto and Hokori stood in shock for a few moments, then Naruto had a thought.

"But I don't know how to summon! Or what a summon is... Oh, no! I wasted all this time, and I still have to learn a jutsu! I gotta get to work!"

Naruto and Hokori rushed back to the scroll they'd borrowed from the Hokage and unrolled it further. Hokori lay down on the blank end of the scroll to keep it open, the heavy roll of paper on the other side helping to hold it open. "Let's see. The next thing in the scroll is... the art of the shadow doppelgänger?! Man, my least favorite technique, and it's just everywhere now! Maybe the next jutsu..."

Naruto opened the scroll further and started reading the next jutsu, but quickly stopped as he turned grass-type green. " _Ugh_ , that is one nasty suicide jutsu. I think I'm gonna toss my ramen..." Naruto managed to suppress his rebellious guts with some difficulty, and returned to the first technique. "Then again, if I learn a doppelgänger jutsu, that'll impress people all the more 'cause of how hard they are, right?"

* * *

"There you are, Naruto! Oh, thank goodness! Listen, a traitor stole the scroll of forbidden jutsu from the Hokage's office, and... it's... It's right next to you. Naruto, what have you done?!"

"Oh, Iruka-sensei! You found me! That's great! I was starting to think nobody'd ever find me!" Naruto heaved himself off the ground and brushed off his legs. It didn't help much, since his whole body was covered in dirt and sweat and grass stains. "Now, I can graduate, right?"

"What? Naruto, you did graduate," Iruka quirked an eyebrow, "Your test scores weren't the best, but you passed. You have to do more than bomb the doppelgänger test and get average academic scores to fail. Wait, where's your hiate-ate?"

'Shluck!' Iruka went down, a massive shuriken embedded in his back just to the left of his spine. Behind him, arm still extended in the follow-through of his throw, Mizuki grinned triumphantly from a tree above the other Konoha ninja.

"Quick, Naruto! I need you to throw me the scroll!" Mizuki called down, "Iruka's the traitor! He's trying to steal the scroll, and the immensely powerful jutsu within!"

"No! Mizuki... traitor..." Iruka gasped, before his internal injuries spoke up and he collapsed, coughing up blood.

"Listen, Naruto, you can't trust him," Mizuki warned the blonde, "Iruka wants to kill you, I could sense his killing intent! Do you think I wanted to stab the man I've worked with for years in the back? It was you or him!"

"But- but why?" Tears started to leak from Naruto's eyes as he swiveled his head between his two teachers. "Iruka-sensei's nice. Isn't he? He kept Sasuke from stabbing me in practice. When I skip he comes and finds me and gives me ramen when I do good stuff. He... He can't be a traitor!"

"That's what people hate so much about traitors," The healthy sensei hopped down from his tree and drew closer to the boy, keeping his movements slow and his hands visible. "It's easy to fight an enemy that comes at you with blades and jutsu. Not one that pretends to be your friend. And make no mistake, Iruka loathed you from the depths of his black, shriveled heart."

"But why? I never did anything bad to him!" blubbered the jinchuriki. From the boy's feet, Hokori rose up to coil soothingly around Naruto, making sympathetic noises. "Why would he hate me?! Why? _Tell me what I did!_ "

"You did nothing but the same thing that makes everyone hate you," crowed Mizuki , "You killed Iruka's parents! His mommy and daddy are gone! He is an orphan, almost like you! And it's all your fault!"

"But that isn't- Iruka-sensei's parents died in the kyubi attack! I was born that night!" This wasn't making sense! "How could I have killed anybody then?"

"Hahah, you actually still think you're _human_?" Mizuki was very close now, a vicious grin on his face, "I bet you still think the Fourth Hokage killed the kyubi! You really think it's possible to kill a biju! Man, what're they teaching in school these days?"

Naruto was many things, but he wasn't stupid. He started to put the pieces together. "You're not saying I'm..."

"You are the Kyubi no Kitsune! The demon that nearly annihilated our village twelve years ago!" The teacher's hands landed heavily on Naruto's shoulders, forcing the jinchuriki to look the older man in the eyes. "You killed Iruka's parents! You killed your hero, the Fourth Hokage, oh the irony! You left hundreds of children on the streets to die! Your 'uncle Jiraiya' and 'grandpa Hokage' only stay around you so they can put you down before you can regain your true strength if you discover what you really are, demon!"

Dark red chakra started to leak from Naruto's pores, his canines extending as his fingernails sharpened into claws. The unrestrained, corrosive power tore at Mizuki and Hokori. The Pokemon released his friend with a cry of pain, but Mizuki barely flinched. Iruka tried to say something, anything, but the blood slowly filling his lungs muffled his voice.

"See? _See?!_ " Mizuki grasped Naruto's wrist and forced his hand, new claws and all, into sight. "Your true nature reveals itself! Demon! Monster. _Freak_. You will never be welcome in Konoha, demon. Not now, not ever. The only reason your little friends tolerate your existence is that they do. Not. Know. And how will you conceal yourself from them now?"

Naruto's new fangs drew blood from his lips as his eyes began to turn red. Staggering back from his teacher, the boy sank to his knees, staring blankly at the shaking talons of a monster. A killer.

"But I know where you can be accepted! Where they will want you!" Mizuki suggested, striking while the iron was hot. "Lord Orochimaru cares not whether you are a monster! All he cares for is power! And potential! You, fox boy, have much of both! Join us, and you'll never be hated by anyone who matters!"

"What? Why would he want me? Wouldn't he hate me like everybody else?" This didn't quite add up to Naruto. But it was hard to think... Everything _burned_. "I'm a monster! I killed Iruka's parents! I killed most of the Uchiha! I'm too dangerous to be around!"

That threw Mizuki for a loop. The Uchiha? The Kyubi had hit them remarkably lightly! But he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. It was time for his masterstroke. "Er, yes, you did! You killed them all! But you needn't worry about acceptance," Mizuki concentrated, and dark marks spiraled over his skin from a point on his left shoulder. As Naruto watched, the marks grew denser, covering the man's skin in darkness as claws and fangs snapped into place. With a hideous 'crack!', the older ninja's knees reversed, leaving him standing on his toes as the whites of his eyes turned pitch black and blades sprouted from each elbow.

"After all, Lord Orochimaru took me in, didn't he?"


	7. True Strength

_"I will travel across the land, searching far and wide... Each Pokemon, to understand, the power that's inside..."_

* * *

 _One hour before Iruka found Naruto..._

* * *

'Thud!'

Uchiha Itachi pounded a doorframe to attract the attention of his brother's guests, before signing a brief message. "A traitor has revealed themselves by stealing sensitive documents from the Hokage tower. By the decree of Lord Hokage, you must all stay indoors where it is safer. Please remain calm, the traitor will be caught shortly. Until then, continue to consider yourselves guests of the Uchiha clan." Message given, Itachi headed for the window, intent on joining the search.

"Big brother? What about Naruto? He hasn't showed up here yet like he promised," Itachi froze, then turned back toward Sasuke. "Do you know where he is?"

"Does anyone here know where he is?" Itachi signed back. The chorus of 'no' he received was not reassuring. "I will ask around, and check his usual haunts. However, in the event that he is not easily found, we must be ready. Sasuke, issue live weapons and armor from our parents' stash to yourself, Kiba, and Shino. Wear mother's military police flak jackets; they'll fit better."

"But, big brother, you have to be in the police to wear those!" Sasuke protested in shock, "And we're not allowed live weapons until we grad- oh!"

"Genin of Konoha, you have been deputized by the Konoha Military Police," Itachi informed them formally, "All the active-duty trackers have been sent after the traitor. Kiba, Shino, you are our best hope of finding Naruto in a timely manner. Sasuke, I will feel... more comfortable with another Sharingan watching my back. Ha's empathetic abilities may also prove useful. If the traitor attempts to get close by pretending to be an ally, your eyes and mine will detect his intentions. Be ready in ten minutes."

"O-ok!"

* * *

"So, where was the last place somebody saw Naruto? The most recent place, if we want to catch his scent."

"Lord Jiraiya told me he saw Naruto leaving the academy," Itachi answered Kiba's question. "No one has seen him since."

"Then that's where we need to go. I can catch his scent there, and- wait, hold up!" The small squad halted on a nearby rooftop as Kiba and Akamaru tested the air and roof. "I smell Naruto! It's pretty fresh too. Certainly fresher than at the academy like four hours ago. The ramen, scales, and unwashed clothes stench is unmistakable. Smell that, Akamaru? Find Naruto, boy! Find Naruto!"

Akamaru sniffed his way around the roof a few times, then hopped to the next building over. Turning back to his partner and their squad, the puppy sent back a challenging bark. The humans couldn't understand the words, but the message was clear. "You guys coming, or what?"

* * *

The impromptu team had patiently followed Akamaru for over an hour, over the walls of Konoha and into the surrounding woods, when Shino stiffened and motioned for a halt.

"The tracking beetle I planted on Naruto has been destroyed. I could not sense it before, as it was outside my range. I can sense it now. Why? When destroyed, my beetles emit a strong pheromone to alert nearby Aburame," the fledgling beetle master reported, "Only an examination from a skilled ninja or a powerful area-of-effect ninjutsu technique could destroy the hidden beetle. Either circumstance does not bode well for Naruto."

"You put beetles on Naruto?" Kiba asked, "Wait, is there a bug on me?!"

"Of course. I plant beetles on all my friends," Shino seemed confused that they hadn't realized this already. "All Aburame do. Why? It allows us to know when they are in danger, and to find them if they need assistance."

"Dude, I'm cool with that, but whatever you do, do _not_ tell the girls about this. If you ever want to have a girlfriend ever. Trust me."

* * *

"Damn it! We should be out there looking for Naruto dattebane!"

"There's no point. Even if we did find him, we couldn't help him, or rescue him, or anything!" Minato would have slammed his fist into a nearby wall to vent frustration, but he couldn't do that either. "We're dead, Kushiha. We don't have bodies, or chakra, or anything! Only Giratina can even see us, and without chakra we couldn't get back to her with word if we did find him! Not before he'd be in even more danger, or just wanders off because he doesn't know to stay! But... Giratina's a ghost, and she can be seen and touched. Maybe you can teach us?

 **"It is not something that can be taught. It takes hundreds of years to go from ghost to ghost type. And I do not have nearly enough pull to secure a swift reincarnation. Even if I did, you would be trapped in a child's form for years, and would not be guaranteed to keep your memories. There is nothing I can do. For what it is worth, I am sorry."**

* * *

"Naruto! Thank the Kami! Listen, we gotta get back to the Uchiha compound! There's a traitor, and- What the hell is that?!" Sasuke and Ha turned identical shades of green (Underneath Ha's green hair) as their immature Sharingan and developing empathetic senses fed them increasingly disturbing information. "Is... Was that Mizuki-sensei?!"

"I smell fox. And snake?" Kiba's expression was quite similar to a dog eating peanut butter. "And something else..."

"My allies seem quite unwilling to venture close to them," reported Shino, "Why? I do not know. They have only reacted to insecticide in this way in the past."

All three of the people who had been caught walking away from Konoha stopped cold. Naruto and the Mizuki-thing, in the lead, froze. Hokori, trailing behind them and making unhappy glances back toward a slowly bleeding and impaled Iruka, turned back towards the pursuit team and started making frantic noises that none of the humans could understand. Ha still hadn't figured telepathic messages out yet, but he could easily convey the emotions behind what he heard to his teammates.

He indicated Mizuki with his nail, valiantly suppressed a mouthful of bile, and moved on without sharing anything.

He pointed to Naruto. _Sorrow. Despair. Loneliness. Hatred-of-self._

The nail swept over Hokori. _Confusion. Caution. Fear. Friends._

The three genin were struck dumb by the intensity of the shared emotions, especially those from Naruto. Itachi was not.

"Mizuki. Where are you going with a stolen scroll and a citizen of our village?" the Uchiha signed with deceptive mildness. Anyone who'd spent any time at all with an Uchiha could have seen the telltale signs of imminent and possibly murderous rage. Mizuki turned to face the jonin, but did not seem to be adept at reading Uchiha. His new facial features did make him harder to read, though. "Especially as you are leaving a comrade to bleed out. With one of your weapons in his back. You are under arrest. Come quietly or I will make you."

"Run, Naruto! I'll hold them off!" Mizuki shouted, baring his fangs at the leaf ninja, "Take the scroll, and head for the border. Our friends are waiting for you. Go! Don't look back."

"Hey, hey! What're we, then?" Kiba cut in, showing his own sharp teeth. "Spoiled meat? Your friends are here, Naruto! Not off somewhere you've never even been!"

Naruto looked back. Sasuke couldn't help but flinch at the sight of Naruto's features, twisted by rivers of bloody chakra and the boy's uncharacteristic expression of rage and betrayal. Ha reacted similarly, unable to see the chakra but sensing the sheer malice at its source. Hokori just cringed toward the ground, unwilling to choose between the genin, who he felt his partner ought to stay with, and Mizuki, who Naruto obviously wanted to heed. Kiba, who saw something similar when he had to wake his mother up every morning, wasn't phased. Shino... did whatever it was that Shino always did. No one but Itachi could tell behind the Aburame's dark glasses and high collar, and Itachi wasn't sharing.

" _You knew!_ "

The sheer power behind his yell forced Sasuke and Kiba back a step, while Itachi's hair shifted a bit. Shino simply quirked an eyebrow.

"That statement is highly ambiguous. Why? Even Kiba knows many things," the Aburame stated, ploughing over Kiba's protests, "Please elaborate."

"Elaborwhat?" The wind visibly went out of Naruto's sails as he struggled with the unfamiliar word.

"Elaborate. Explain what you believe we know," defined Shino, "Such an ambiguous... nebulous... undetailed! Undetailed statement could mean any number of things." Naruto's steadily growing look of confusion vanished at the third definition.

"You know what I am! You hate me! Everyone hates me!" Naruto's ire rose again as he reminded himself of its source, "And now that I know you'll want me _dead_! Just like everybody else!"

"Because you have a kekkei genkai? I have a kekkei genkai!" a rapidly recovering Sasuke exclaimed, "The Inuzuka are halfway to a kekkei genkai! The Aburame might as well have one with their family jutsu! What do you think we are, mist ninja? Konoha doesn't shun people because of their special abilities! Right, guys? Guys?" Shino and Kiba remained silent, and Itachi utterly still. "Big brother?" Sasuke's eyes went wide, "Brother, _what do you know?_ "

"My mom never had a problem with it, but my Aunts and Uncles all told me to stay away from you," Kiba shared reluctantly, "I didn't think much of it, and did what they said... But then I met you, and- and- nobody bad is nice to animals like you, so I knew you couldn't be bad like they said."

"The Aburame are seen as creepy by those outside of the clan, and treated much as you were by outsiders," Shino stated in a detached tone, "It shames me to admit that I only realized you did not have even that support network when my father steered me in your direction. And even when he did, it took many months to determine the optimal way to approach you. I am... unskilled in conversation." To the boys, who spoke relatively fluent Shino, 'optimal way' roughly translated to 'I was terrified of approaching strangers' and 'unskilled' meant 'I was and am a reclusive shut-in with no other friends'. Speaking Shino was something of an art.

"I know what you are," Itachi admitted, "Much of the village learned, in the wake of the disaster. However, Lord Hokage decreed that no one else be given this information, on pain of death. The first S-ranked secret since the end of the Third Great War."

"Then why didn't you _tell_ me," screamed Naruto, tears falling down his face and evaporating in the kyubi's corrosive chakra, "That I'm the kami-damned nine-tailed demon fox?!"

"Is that what Mizuki told you?" Itachi smirked slightly, a barely noticeable twitch of the mouth. "In that case, I didn't tell you that you are the demon fox because you are not."

"No shit," Kiba affirmed, "The fox is like the evil of evilness! It's nothing like you!"

"However, the most effective lies are rooted in truth. You are not the fox. You are its prison. Every day you hold the demon in, preventing it from breaking free of the seal the Fourth Hokage defeated it with," explained the ANBU, "He trusted you to save the entire village from the demon. Only a newborn baby could hope to survive the sealing. Only a living human could contain a biju. Not knowing anything about you, the fourth lord gave you his trust. We couldn't deceive those alive when the fox was sealed, as many of them saw the battle. It was better to get the facts straight and head off any assassins seeking to slay the fox, not that such a feat is possible."

"But if I'm not the fox, why does everybody hate me?" questioned the jinchuriki, "If I'm a hero, _how come I'm still alone?_ "

"The secret was never well-kept in Konoha. Outside the village, though, no one knows. Which was the objective. Kumo, Iwa, and Kiri have all kidnapped jinchuriki in the past, seeking to enhance their power," shared Itachi, " Kumo would have brainwashed you into a weapon. Iwa would have killed you and tried to seal the fox into someone loyal. Kiri would have tortured you until you broke, and then pointed you at the continent. You have been treated poorly here. I cannot deny that. Many beheld you and saw the fox. My clansmen and I could only do so much, without breaking the law."

"Wh- You helped?! But I never..." Naruto sniffled, then narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe you! You're lying!" But for once in his life, the boy's words lacked conviction.

"Who organized extra patrols around your home during the remembrance day for those who the fox destroyed, ensuring your safety? The Uchiha. Who sent you that cookbook, that you would not starve in your apartment when the orphanage grew a hostile environment? My mother. Who forced grieving merchants to give you fair prices? Actually, my comrades in the jonin corps helped as much as my relatives in that."

"Yeah, even before I met you, mom had our guys fix up your apartment while you were out," Kiba recalled, the grin back on his face, "We do it for all the wards of Konoha who're out on their own. Didn't you ever wonder why your light bulbs never burned out and your toilet never clogged?"

"The Sarutobi were on your side from the very beginning," Shino pointed out, "As were my clansmen. We chose to keep our contributions quiet. Our reputation would not have improved yours. You may not know this, but Lord Sarutobi lost his wife to the fox. That he continues to act as your grandfather, to force Jiraiya, the man he trusts most, to care for you when he cannot, speaks volumes in that regard."

"Don't you dare leave!" Sasuke yelled, his Sharingan picking up the subtle cues that showed Naruto wavering, "If you make all the effort I put in getting you up to being a halfway decent ninja go to waste, I will hunt you down, see if I don't!"

"You call giving me a set of goggles and then stabbing me twice a week helping?!" Naruto socked his friend in the gut, but without his claws, and the burning chakra almost gone, Sasuke accepted the hit with grace. "No way in hell I'm gonna become one of your enemies!"

Then Naruto burst into tears all over Sasuke, who looked quite lost. Hokori and Akamaru quickly joined what was rapidly becoming an impromptu group hug, the dragon wrapping them securely together like he was never letting go. From his perch on Sasuke's head, Ha gave the tangle a sideways glance. He kinda wanted a hug too... But no self-respecting Sword of Justice would let themselves be demeaned so!

"Wait a sec, isn't Iruka bleeding out over there?" Kiba remembered, motioning to the crippled chunin's former location. Because Iruka wasn't there anymore. "Huh?"

"I had a shadow clone take him to the hospital," Itachi reassured the dog ninja, "As soon as we got here. I won't need much chakra for the clean up."

"Damnit, don't ignore me! Naruto, don't listen to them! They speak lies!" Mizuki charged forward, air screaming as his arm blades sliced forward with blinding speed...

Itachi blocked the strike, delivered with all the power in Mizuki's entire cursed body, with one finger. "I will ignore whoever I like," Itachi told him. _Verbally_. "And your swift resort to violence just demonstrates how weak your hold on the boy truly was."

"Wha- bu- How?" Mizuki sputtered, "This isn't possible!"

"I find it amusing when people say that things that just happened are impossible," Itachi's voice and expression did not change at all, as Mizuki abruptly found his arms twisted behind his back, somehow melting together. "And in this genjutsu, I can do whatever I want."

"Genjutsu?! Lord Orochimaru's power makes me invincible! No genjutsu could- Aaarrgh!" Mizuki cut off as a crow landed on his face, extracted an eyeball with its agile beak, and greedily swallowed the 'treat'.

"You never noticed when I ensnared you," Itachi observed, a vaguely philosophical expression fixed on his face, "Whatever power Orochimaru gave you strengthened your body, but it did little for your weak will. You didn't see my doppelgänger rescue Iruka. You didn't hear us talk down Naruto. And you definitely aren't noticing that my summons have not touched you." Mizuki, having passed out under the imagined sensations of a murder of crows eating him alive, did not comment. "I didn't even need to use the Tsukiyomi."

* * *

Back in the real world, Itachi turned from the crumpled form of Mizuki to the awestruck genin and academy student staring at him in blank awe. From their perspective, Itachi had looked at Mizuki and the traitor had fainted. It had taken ten minutes of carefully layered genjutsu to gain total control of Mizuki's senses. Whatever Orochimaru had implanted the chunin with had altered his chakra flow, making him resistant, but not immune, to Itachi's illusions. It had appeared far easier than it was.

Speaking of academy students, it was time to do something about that. Itachi's doppelgänger at the hospital had just run out of chakra, and conveyed what Iruka had told it just before he passed out. As far as Itachi was concerned, that was authority enough.

"Uzumaki Naruto," the jonin signed, "You defeated the sort of tailored psychological attack that is typically used to turn higher-ranked ninja, chunin and jonin." Whatever else you might say about Mizuki, he'd done a nearly flawless job with that, based on what Itachi had seen and heard. "If you had run at the beginning, I would have needed to confront Mizuki physically and protect your friends, giving you ample time to escape. But you stayed. You did not turn, not for long at least. You withstood mental tortures many jonin could not, while being tormented by the hatred-steeped chakra of the nine-tailed demon fox itself. Furthermore, your academy scores were excellent, considering your lack of schooling prior to your first year. As such, by the authority vested in me by Lord Hokage and instructor Umino Iruka, I hereby promote you to genin of Konohagakure."

Itachi reached behind his head, untied his own hiate-ate, and pressed it to Naruto's forehead, allowing the boy to fasten the knot himself. "I look forward to serving with you, genin Uzumaki."


	8. You're Late!

_"It's you and me, I know it's my destiny..."_

* * *

To see the people currently assembled in the Konoha council chamber together was a nearly unheard-of event. Each person was an elite jonin of the village hidden in the leaves. And ninja never survived to become jonin unless they were talented, powerful, and exceptionally paranoid. Putting so many high value targets in one place was a terrible idea, especially since doing so left said targets twitchy and trigger-happy.

Yet they assembled in this way, once a year, after the academy graduation day, as jonin did in every ninja village when new genin were added to their village's military. Today was the day that the jonin would select which young ninja they would instruct until their promotion or their death.

Of course, there were always plenty of genin to choose from for those jonin who wanted to teach. What currently occupied the Hokage was selecting those of his elite jonin who were willing and able to instruct the top rookies, the next generation of Konoha's finest. However, this also meant that there would be a fair amount of maneuvering as to who got to teach the most desirable rookies. Not unexpected, as they were ninja, but unwelcome, as they were supposed to be prioritizing what was best for the students, not the teachers. Fortunately, with Danzo and his cronies gone Hiruzen had total power over team composition, to head off the worst of the favoritism and power plays.

"Yuhi Kurenai, submitting my application for a genin team," Kurenai would be a good sensei, at least. No obvious psychological ailments to pass on, and patient and easy to get along with to boot! Promoted four years ago, from specialist jonin (genjutsu), if Hiruzen remembered right. "After researching the top rookies, I believe that Hyuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba, and Aburame Shino would benefit most from my instruction. They would make an excellent hunter or intelligence squad, and have highly compatible personalities."

Well, the 'highly compatible' part was a slight exaggeration, but the three genin would make an excellent and versatile intelligence and capture squad. However, Kurenai, a genjutsu expert with little experience in tracking or ninja animals, would only be well-suited to teach Hinata. Which was obviously her objective.

While the jonin spied on their prospective students, Hiruzen had ANBU spy on them both. Kurenai had found out about Hinata's frankly deplorable home life, and sought to help the girl in any way she could. Admirable, certainly, but her choice to build a squad around who would work best with Hinata rather than with herself, as was more important for a genin squad, made Hiruzen think that Kurenai was emotionally compromised. Understandable. The Hokage himself would have helped Hinata years ago if he could find hard evidence of what her father was doing to her, but the gentle fist didn't leave marks.

"Denied!" A team needed a sensei who would care equally for all the genin, not just one. "You couldn't effectively instruct Shino or Kiba. But if you truly want to teach, I may assign you one of the teams. Next!" Kurenai looked like she wanted to protest for a few seconds, but bit her lip and fell back in line.

"Sarutobi Asuma, submitting my application for a genin team," Excellent! Hiruzen's lazy, unmotivated son was finally volunteering for some real work! Pass on the family skills, since he still refused to get a girlfriend, the layabout. "I think I Nara Shikamaru, Yamanaka Ino, and Akimichi Choji would do well under me." The younger Sarutobi finished by taking a drag from his cigarrette, and casually flicked ash out the nearest window.

Well, of course they would! Their clans would teach them just about everything. All their instructor would need to do is some basic teamwork drills, maybe a few combat scenarios-

"Denied!" That slacker punk! He just wanted a team he wouldn't have to do anything with to fill his teaching requirement! No way in hell! "Get back in line. You're still in consideration for a different team. Next!"

"Arf!"

"Kuromaru? Are you standing in for Tsume?" The big, black dog shook his head, and thumped his wide chest with a paw. "For yourself, then? Huh. Approved. Get in line, and we'll see if one of the teams is a good match for you." Unlike most ninja animals, Kuromaru had passed the jonin test separately from his partner, so he was fully qualified. As long as he got a friend to demonstrate the hand seals for any techniques he wanted to teach. Plus, he had years of experience instructing the younger Inuzuka dogs, and was a veteran of the Third Great Ninja War. Come to think of it, the dog's resume was stronger than any of the other jonin in the room could boast... "Next!"

"Hatake Kakashi, submitting my application for a genin team. After careful consideration, I know that Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto, and Haruno Sakura would excel under my guidance," No way in hell, Hatake! You don't get to reject perfectly good genin teams for five years because they aren't the next coming of the Sannin, then cherry-pick the most promising this year just to teach Naruto!

"Denied!" Hiruzen briefly wondered how senile Kakashi thought he was, then decided such questions were better left unpondered. "Get in line, and we'll see if one of the genin teams gets assigned to you. Next!" Right. Like that was happening. Kakashi was getting one of the less stacked teams to teach or, more likely, fail. Of course, every year he spent without passing his skills on to an heir or genin team got the last Hatake's pay docked that much more, but that was not the Hokage's problem. Served Kakashi right for reading Jiraiya's books during important meetings.

"Mitarashi Anko, submitting-"

"Denied!"

"What?! That's bullshit! I made jonin two years ago, what with that genocidal bastard out of the way! I've got a right to-"

"You are not ready for students yet!" Hiruzen cowed Anko with his Disapproving Hokage Glare #4. Perfect for situations like this, and totally worth the hours of practice back when he first got the job. "Not until the Yamanaka can assure me that you will not pass your crazy on to them! If you really want to teach, though, I believe Kuromaru could use an assistant for the parts that require hands."

"Fine!" Anko threw herself down beside Kuromaru with a huff, facing away from the Hokage. The dog promptly planted a huge, slobbery lick on her face, before laying his head on her lap to prevent escape. Since Kuromaru outweighed most Akimichi, this was far more effective than it sounded. If Hiruzen hadn't met the dog as a puppy, the might have thought himself in the presence of a large and oddly friendly bear.

"Next!"

"Fuji Hikaru, submitting my application for a genin team. I did have a preference as to who, but after hearing my colleages speak, I think I'll be better off being grateful for whoever I am assigned," Well, the honesty was refreshing. Jonin Fuji, huh? There was an interesting case.

Hikaru had been a specialist jonin working for Konoha's intelligence division until about a year ago. He was an exceptional sabateur, but hadn't shown any other outstanding skills, which kept him squarely in mediocrity. However, three years ago he'd been the sole survivor of a mission gone bad, where his squad was ambushed by missing-nin from hidden stone. After returning, he threw himself into training, presumably so that he would never lose another squad, although he hadn't shared his reasons. Whatever his motivation, Fuji Hikaru had reinvented himself as a heavy front-line combat expert... who was still an excellent infiltrator and saboteur.

Even now, in the safety of Konoha, he didn't look much like a ninja. He wore the sort of casual kimono moderately successful merchants and artisans favored, his distinctive strawberry-blonde hair swept back in a long braid, and the tools of a civilian trader belted around his waist, with his hiate-ate tied around his neck. However, since he wasn't trying too hard to hide it, the elite ninja around him all picked up the shuriken and kunai pouches hidden in his sleeves, the ninja wire woven into his hair, and the vicious, bladed chain whip concealed in his belt and sash. Fuji might still favor the subtle approach, but his prowess in ninjutsu and armed combat had been what secured his promotion.

"Accepted!" Fuji was a bit inexperienced for the role, but his other qualifications were stellar compared to much of the competition. Hiruzen appreciated that Hikaru hadn't tried to slip one by his Hokage. Sure, a certain amount of that was expected from skilled ninja, but such blatant favoritism and laziness was frankly embarrassing. "I'll make sure you get a team, if not here than from the rest of the graduates."

"Yaaaaay!" Of course, the way the man squealed like a schoolgirl when he was sufficiently excited or sugared up was mildly unsettling, but Hiruzen was used to worse from his best operatives. So much worse. He could be, say, Kakashi or Gai. After staggering home covered in the blood of his best friends and half a dozen Iwa-nin, Hikaru was allowed a few quirks.

* * *

Hiruzen spent a few minutes deliberating on who would be assigned which genin. Then he spent ten minutes more, because it was good for his jonin to sweat a little, and that was about how long it took to get a fresh pot of tea delivered.

"First off... Jonin Hatake, Jonin Sarutobi, I regretfully inform you that your services will not be required by this year's top students," But not that regretfully. "If you still wish to teach, talk to Hayate about getting a team from the rest of the students."

"What? But- Daaad!" the younger Sarutobi whined. Unnoticed by him, his cigarette dropped from his open mouth, forcing Kurenai to stomp on it before a carpet fire ignited. "You're dumping me for the _dog_?!" He'd gotten Asuma to call him 'dad'! It was about time the brat's resolve got worn down. This was already turning out to be a better day than Hiruzen had expected.

"Maybe you should've thought of that before you tried to get the easy assignment, _son_ ," the Hokage stated with masterfully-concealed glee, "Feel free to come back next year if you're ready to do the job!" Asuma followed Kakashi out the door. The Hatake had already left, probably to mope about how he'd failed Minato again. Hiruzen could understand grieving, and he himself spent a little bit of every day mourning those he'd lost over the years. But spending four to six hours every day at the memorial stone was just a tiny bit excessive, especially since it'd been twelve years since Minato and Kushina died.

But as long as Kakashi kept doing his job with the usual quality, Konoha couldn't step in and make him attend therapy, so if he wanted to spend all his time brooding that was his business. Maybe a discreet word to Gai about getting his friend out more was in order, though...

* * *

"Man, Kakashi needs to get a life dattebane! Seriously, it's been twelve freakin' years since we bit it, an' he's still acting all emo!"

 **"What do you expect us to do about it? The man is so paranoid he refuses to talk to anybody except Gai and his direct superior officers. He has the social skills of a Hydreigon, and the personality of a brick."**

"Ain't Hydreigon those dragons who're so bad at interpersonal relationships that they don't get along with _themselves_?"

 **"They do not. Their three heads will fight over everything they have until it is destroyed, despite that they are all the same person."**

"Just askin' dattebane... Hey, we should totally set him up!"

 **"What."**

"Well, we're the closest thing he has to female friends. Which is kinda sad dattebane. But it's our duty as his sister figures to set him up with a hot date, pull him out of his shell!"

 **"You do realize that before you I had not spoken with another female in several billion years, do you not? Also, the only close, female friends of yours who survived the kyubi attack are me and Mikoto. Mikoto is happily married, and I am not dating a... human. Ew."**

"So we just talk to other people. Or you do, since I can't talk to people 'cause I'm dead dattebane."

 **"There is no conceivable way that this will end well."**

"Come oooon dattebane, don't be such a debbie downer!"

 **"Fine. But when Minato finds the collateral damage I refuse to take responsibility."**

* * *

It was morning in Konoha, and the ninja academy was packed. Because for once, everyone was on time and paying close attention. Today was the last day these young men and women would spend as civilians, as students. When they left this room with their jonin-sensei, they would be ninjas! Real ninjas!

Even Naruto and Kiba, with their legendary aversion to classrooms, were inside, vibrating with excitement next to their more patient ninja animals. And Naruto was certainly paying attention. He couldn't speak for Kiba, though. The Uzumaki couldn't bear to risk missing his team assignments. He just hoped that he'd be grouped with someone he knew. Not expecting it, as even with his real test scores they'd done a lot better than him, but hoping. And so far, his desperate prayers to whatever kami might listen were working. The first six teams had been called, with no one he knew on them.

"Team Seven will consist of Uzumaki Naruto," a bored Uchiha read from the front of the room. Iruka-sensei was still in the hospital getting his lungs stitched back together, so one of Sasuke's cousins was tapped as a substitute. A bored, boring substitute. Still, Naruto gave the man his full attention. "Haruno Sakura," Yessss! One friend already! "And Uchiha Sasuke." Not exactly who Naruto would have picked. Sasuke was kind of a jerk sometimes. But he was a good ninja, and Itachi was awesome, so Sasuke might be that awesome someday. They could work together. "Your jonin-sensei will be Fuji Hikaru."

Who? Naruto'd never heard of him before. Of course, he wasn't super familiar with Konoha's jonin corps, but the academy made sure that every student had some knowledge of Konoha's finest. If nothing else, so you knew who not to stand near.

But if old man Hokage thought he could teach Naruto, he had to be pretty awesome, right? One step closer to being Hokage!

"Team eight will consist of Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino, and Hyuga Hinata. Their jonin sensei will be Kuromaru and Mitarashi Anko." Wait a sec. Wasn't Kuromaru a dog?! Could dogs be jonin-sensei?!

* * *

"Sooo. Very. Bored," Naruto groaned indistinctily in agreement, head resting, buried in his arms, under his desk. Hokori napped on the floor at the boy's feet, coiled up like a large, blue rug. "We've been here for like, hours!" Sakura continued, when no other response was forthcoming.

"Fifty seven minutes, twenty three seconds since the last of the other teams left," Sasuke hissed, glaring at the door, "But who's counting?" Ha, having given up shadow boxing to pass the time half an hour ago, projected feelings of simmering annoyance from his seat on the Uchiha's bookbag.

"That's it! He wants to be late, he deserves this!" Naruto leaped up and ran to the front of the room. "He's asking for a pranking, so he's gonna get one!" Naruto took the dustiest chalkboard eraser and carefully sketched a seal in the thick powder, which he used to hoover up the contents of the classroom trash can. "Nothing says petty revenge like chalk dust and garbage!"

Naruto grabbed a chair and dragged it over to the door, allowing him to carefully balance the loaded eraser over the jam. "There! Now when he opens it he'll get a... surprise. Hehehe."

"Oh, this is gonna be good! I love stuff like this," All three genin jumped guiltily, and turned toward the window, where a well-dressed, redheaded man a little older-looking than Iruka-sensei had climbed through seconds ago. Hokori popped his head up above desk-level, Ha riding it for a better view. "Love the layered traps you've got there, good lethality-to-humiliation ratio for anyone you'd be after in the academy. They think the dusty eraser's the whole trap, and then bam! The seal gets messed up on impact, and garbage everywhere! So, who's the lucky victim?" The man waved his hands in sheer exuberance as he talked.

"Um, Fuji Hikaru? Are you Hikaru-sensei?" Sakura asked, and the man nodded eagerly. "Then, well, you are. We got frustrated 'cause you were late, and Naruto, he..."

"I ran into Hatake Kakashi on the way here, and everybody knows his tardiness is contagious. I was lucky to escape with my reputation," the jonin explained airily. His students weren't buying it. "And I'm not mad, don't worry. I like to see a little initiative and a sense of humor. But if you're gonna try to prank a good ninja again, a few things to keep in mind. First, know your target. Some of 'em, like me, won't mind. Some of 'em will have a war flashback, flip out, and kill ya dead, so stay serious around them, okay? Second, most jonin like to come in through the window. Less tight spaces to walk through where you might get ambushed. So if you want to hit us with something like that, trap the windows first."

Well, if Hikaru wanted to make a good first impression on his students, he was definitely up to a good start. Any adult willing to acknowledge Naruto's skills was already halfway there. And if they were genuinely helpful, and had a sense of humor? Naruto was impressed. And Hokori usually followed Naruto's lead.

Sakura liked how Hikaru tempered Naruto's immaturity, and appreciated how he turned a childish hobby into practice for more serious skills. She could also definitely get behind the cautious words of wisdom. Sakura had more exposure to the average ninja than either boy, as her family would hire chunin teams to guard trading caravans headed outside the village. (Sasuke had met more ninja total, but most of them were members of the Uchiha clan, and thus far above average.)

The scars and occasional missing limb or eye painted a far different picture of ninja life than the standard-issue recruitment propaganda would have you believe. Naruto accepted that junk hook, line, and sinker. Sakura couldn't ignore her own experiences. Not that that was enough to dissuade the girl from her chosen career, but having a sensei with a grasp of basic safety was reassuring. Poor Tenten from the year ahead of them, for example, got stuck with a team of reckless eccentrics.

Sasuke was inclined to dismiss the supposed jonin (who really looked nothing like a ninja, preferred entrance notwithstanding) as mediocre at best, and wholly unqualified to teach an Uchiha at worst. However, his experience with Mizuki had taught him to never take things at face value. A man you'd known and trusted for years could turn out to be a horrible traitor. An airy, informal civilian could actually be a formidable warrior and teacher. Sasuke would reserve judgement.

Ha knew something the other four didn't. His empathetic senses gave him a unique perspective on the situation. He would never betray Sasuke's trust, but as long as there was no danger... It wasn't like he could tell them about it anyway, or get Hokori to believe him enough to translate. Stupid telepathy not working on humans until he evolved.

"So, what now, sensei?! Do you have a super awesome mission for us? Or are you gonna teach us some sweet ninjutsu first? Come on, come on!" Never let it be said that Naruto lacked enthusiasm. "Why're we just sitting around when we could be doing awesome stuff?"

"You guys know each other, but you don't know me, and I don't really know you," the jonin replied, gesturing for Naruto to sit back down. "I read your files and all, but I find hearing someone introduce themself is always illuminating. So give me your name, and anything you think I ought to know about you. Oh, and your goals as a ninja. The brass assumed you guys would end up a heavy assault squad, but if you want to train toward a different goal I am totally okay with that." Three genin and two Pokemon gave him expectant stares.

"Oh, right, I can go first, I guess..." The jonin tapped his chin for a few seconds before speaking again. "Howdy. I'm Fuji Hikaru, jonin of Konoha. I used to do a lot of work in intelligence as one of Konoha's top saboteurs, but I retrained as a ninjutsu and concealed weapons expert to pass the jonin tests. So I've been seeing a lot more escort and support missions lately. Back up the squishier specialists in danger zones, provide loud and messy distractions, that sort of thing. In my free time, I enjoy long walks in the woods, reading poetry, and cleaning out sweet shops. I'm not a huge fan of cats, and R&D gives me the creeps like you would not believe. All those needles and _beakers_ and freaky green smoke... Right now, my goal is to train you guys up to be the best ninjas you can be! But as long as we're dreaming, I'd like to be jonin commander someday, once old Shikaku retires."

"All right! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, pleasedtameetcha! I... dunno what kind of ninja I wanna be yet. But I'm gonna be the Hokage someday, and all my pre- predat- predecessors! Predecessors were good at being whatever kind of ninja they wanted, so I gotta be that good! But auntie G says I gotta take things one step at a time, so right now I guess my goal is to make jutsu like what the Inuzuka do with their dogs for me and Hokori! Uh, I like pranks and traps and ramen and spending time with my friends, especially auntie G and Hokori! I don't like veggies! Or crowds..."

"As everyone here already knows, I am Uchiha Sasuke. I will become the greatest investigator the military police have ever employed. Then I will hunt down Shimura Danzo and make him pay for what he has done to my family. Criminals and traitors will no longer be safe within this village's ranks. They will have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no one to help as I-" Sasuke paused, having noticed that his voice was getting steadily louder as he progressed toward a full-blown Uchiha vengeance rant. Prior experience suggested he probably didn't want to elaborate on the part of his goal where he set all who resisted arrest (and some who didn't) on fire. Beautiful, purifying fire... People outside the clan got these funny looks on their faces when he talked about fire or vengeance. According to his father, Sasuke wasn't the first clansman to have that problem, either, so there was plenty of advice floating around on what to keep to yourself. "I... like getting stronger. Naruto, Hokori, Ha, and Shino are tolerable. Other people should try to be more like them."

Sakura spent a few moments of silence mulling over that particular bombshell. Sasuke liked... people who were like Naruto and Shino? But they were complete opposites! Trying to act like both would drive her insane! Naruto was a loud-mouthed moron with a microscopic attention span unless ramen or becoming Hokage was on the table. Shino, she didn't have much of a read on, because he practically _never spoke_. Buuut, both were unhesitatingly loyal to their friends, kind to animals, and skilled, dedicated ninja for their age... Maybe there was a bit more to work with than she'd thought.

"I- I'm Haruno Sakura. Uh, I don't know what kind of ninja I want to be yet either, but I'm keeping an open mind. My goals for the future..." Somehow, after hearing what Sasuke said, saying her goal in life was to become Uchiha Sakura seemed hollow. Did she actually have any future plans beyond marrying Sasuke and being friends with Naruto? "I guess my goal for now is figuring out what my goal is. I like spending time with Sasuke... And Naruto! And their ninja animals too. Though those are kind of a package deal with their humans. I would be happy if I never saw Yamanaka Ino again."

To Hokori's astonishment, the jonin then turned to him. Being used to humans treating him like a dumb animal at best, and furniture at worst, the dragon was completely unprepared for this. But he had to say something, right? "Ti! Dratini ni. Ti drati dratini. Ni tini!" He was sure that humans couldn't understand him, but Fuji-sensei nodded sagely like he'd understood every word, and turned to Ha.

The ralts still couldn't speak or project his thoughts, but he got the point across anyway in a surge of strong feelings. _Resolve. Anticipation. Loyalty. Contentment._

"Weeeell, now that we all know each other a little better, I've got your first mission," Hikaru informed them, a cat-like grin spreading across his face, "A test, if you will. Most jonin would tell you to pass or get sent back to the academy, but I've got a good feeling about you guys! So this is just to see what I need to teach you first. To make it more interesting, though, whoever does the best gets to learn one of my personal ninja techniques! Meet me out at training ground 9 tomorrow morning at sunrise! Bring what you think you ought to bring for a three day combat mission. The test won't actually last for three days, but packing is a vital if undervalued ninja skill, so that will be the first thing I teach you! See ya tomorrow." The jonin vanished in a puff of pink-tinged smoke.

"So cool..." Naruto breathed, "If I win, I'm gonna learn how to do the ninja vanish." Beside him, Hokori sneezed as the smoke wafted over him, which made Sakura give an involuntary 'Squeeee!'. _So cute!_

* * *

"Hey, yo, big bro, I gotta have some words, ya know!"

Without turning his head, Ay, the current Raikage, grabbed the back of his beloved younger brother's head with one meaty hand and introduced the smaller man's forehead to his desk. 'Crack!' The hefty, Killa Bee-shaped dent in the tough wood got slightly larger. "Make sense," the Raikage ordered his sibling.

"Wha?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" Ay straightened the stack of reports he was reading, set them aside with deliberate care, and turned to face his brother. He kept his words clear and slow, in his best 'speaking with idiots' voice. "Talk like a sane person or I'll hit you. That clear enough?"

"Er, crystal. Come on, Gyuki, I'm not that annoyin! Hey, don't go there!"

"Didn't you have something to tell me?" Ay made a valiant effort to get the conversation back on track, at least as much as it could be when the other participant was Kumo's strongest jinchuriki.

"Oh, yeah! Well, I was trainin' in usin' the eight tails' powa, in biju mode, when all of a sudden he starts coughin' and chokin', which makes me do the same 'cause we're sharin' bodies," What. Biju couldn't get sick. Could they? Ay really hoped not. There wasn't enough medicine in the Land of Lightning to treat the ox demon. "And then he hocked this up!" Bee held up a large, green, faintly glowing rock, about the size of Ay's head. The smooth oval of stone emanated a constantly-shifting flurry of shades of green and motes of light, twinkling merrily from the jinchuriki's hand.

"Okay," Not the weirdest thing Bee had brought before the Raikage's desk, but it made the top ten. "So what is it?"

"No idea!" Killa Bee stated cheerfully, "Ole eight tails has eaten tons o' stuff over the centuries. He doesn't remember. But, uh, Cee said he could sense chakra from it. Weird chakra. Not biju. Not human. His exact words were 'What the hell' then 'Where the hell' then 'I'm not paid enough for this. Take it to your brother'. So I did!"

"I'm not a sensor. What the hell did he think I was gonna do with it?!" Ay resisted the urge to emphasize his words by smashing his desk. He was not wired for desk work... Too much energy, too few chances to burn it off. "Take it down to research and development. See what they make of it. And tell them to be careful this time. We just cleaned up the crater from that seal they 'analyzed', and the daimyo was pissed that they vaped his statue. Thing was uglier than Gyuki, but no accounting for taste with the nobility... Hmmm. Have Darui take a look at it too. That light show looks kind of like his storm style jutsu. Maybe he can do something with it."


	9. The Test: Give me Candy!

_"Oh, you're my best friend, and our world we must defend..."_

* * *

"You're all here! Great! Then, I suppose you want to hear the parameters of my test." The identical glares from the Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke conveyed 'Duh!' far better than any words could. "Right, right. Obvious, really. You're all ready?" The genin nodded eagerly. "Ok! Your goal, of course, is to convince me to teach you a new technique. Now, as a responsible sensei, I'm not supposed to be sharing the good stuff with you for at least a year, when you've got some missions under your belt. Fortunately for you, I'm easily bribed." Hikaru handed each genin and Pokémon a small drawstring bag.

"Hard candies?" Sakura raised one eyebrow as she checked the contents of her bag, "These are worth a jutsu?"

"To me? Sure! I'm infamous for my sweet tooth. It's actually in my bounty listings," the jonin shared cheerfully, "So everybody who can bribe me with one after the exercise ends at noon gets to learn something cool. Of course, since I don't feel like being patient, I'll do my best to steal and eat them beforehand. It'll take me about a minute to eat one of those, so you'll have a little time to get away even if you lose one. Like so!" He held up one of the brightly-colored candies.

"Wha?" Sakura looked down to discover her bag was slightly less full than before. "When did you...?"

"You know my specialty is infiltration," Hikaru explained, popping the candy into his mouth, "How could I not be a decent pick-pocket? What're you just standing around for? You've got a minute, and then I strike!"

Sakura, Sasuke, and Ha immediately leaped (or teleported) for the relative safety of concealment in the trees that filled the training ground. Hokori wasn't as mobile, though, and Naruto wouldn't leave him. The dragon responded by sniffing his bag and making sure the opening was as tightly shut as possible. Then he swallowed the package, bag and all.

"What? No, Hokori! We need those. You can't eat them," Naruto tried to explain as he stuffed his own bag in his equipment pouch. "Now you don't get a jutsu!" Hokori responded by making a funny face, and regurgitating a slimy but intact bag, before swallowing it again. "Okay, that is gross. Sweet, but gross. Good thinking!"

"I guess I never said they had to be edible when I got them," lamented the jonin, "Ah well, that just means you get double the attention, Naruto!"

Naruto, concerned that his slow-moving friend couldn't defend himself, hadn't even had the chance to get some distance. "Crap."

* * *

Fuji Hikaru looked to the left. He looked to the right. He looked behind him. Everywhere he turned, there Naruto was. "Shadow doppelgangers, huh? This does make things more complicated." A flourish of his wrist left a pair of senbon clasped between his knuckles. "Ok, kid. Lets dance."

Concealed in the underbrush, Sakura watched the cloud of smoke and dust thrown up as Fuji-sensei went through Naruto's clones like, well, a jonin through a bunch of genin. Naruto was going to be slaughtered! Based on the rules, all she had to do was hang on to both of hers and she would have enough bribes for herself and Naruto. So logically, she should run and hide as far and deep in the woods as possible.

But Naruto would never accept it. He'd be heartbroken if he couldn't earn a jutsu himself. Stupid boys and their macho stupid! Relying on your friends doesn't somehow make you less of a man, dammit! But she couldn't just leave him... Swallowing a sigh, Sakura crept back towards the clearing, keeping a lookout for substitution fodder in case of an ambush.

The girl reached the clearing just in time to see the jonin lunging for Naruto, needles catching the rising sun. Hikaru's off hand, unnoticed by the boy, curved around to hit his pouch. Naruto wasn't going to block in time! Sakura concentrated, sent out a pulse of chakra, and completed her substitution. Naruto fell into the bushes with a startled yelp and she slammed her armored forehead into the jonin's hand and senbon with a loud 'clang!'. While the red-head pulled back, reflexively dropping his weapons, Sakura withdrew her hands from her pockets, tightly clasped around a pair of worn, steel knuckledusters. That a woman would never, Tsunade exempted, have as much physical power as a man of the same size and training was simple, biological fact. Better chakra control, yes, strength, no. So Sakura cheated.

Unnoticed by both of them, the 'Naruto' that Sakura saved, impaled on one of the bush's branches, vanished in a puff of chakra-smoke.

* * *

"You go, girl! Now hit him with a twenty-seven punch combo dattebane!"

"She's not half bad for a civilian-born genin," Minato mused, rubbing his chin in a way he thought looked wise and thoughtful. Everybody else thought it looked like something a man thirty years or so older than him would do, but who was going to tell Namikaze Minato _that_?! "Great chakra control if she can substitute with a living person already. Her endurance needs work, though."

"I'm just glad that crush she's packing for tall, dark, and broody ain't keepin' her from watching my boy's back," Kushina replied, a fiercely proud grin stretching her face, "Almost thought we'd lost her for a while."

"Shhh! Look!" the Fourth Hokage shifted the scrying mirror's focus, "Naruto's about to get back in the fight."

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto pulled himself onto a high branch, having clawed himself and Hokori up there with chakra and a pair of kunai for climbing spikes. However, he was surprised to see Fuji-sensei fighting, not the clone army, but Sakura! That... altered his plans somewhat. No indiscriminate projectiles and ninjutsu while a friend was in the line of fire. What could he do...?

No shuriken. He couldn't throw them that far without boosting them with a wind jutsu, which would hit Sakura. No kunai. He'd be as likely to hit Sakura as the jonin at this distance. No wind jutsu, for the same reason. It had seemed like such a good idea to fight at a distance when he'd had it. Naruto never fought long-range! Fuji-sensei would never expect it! But now that there was a comrade in the line of fire, Naruto's imprecise ranged attacks were sounding much less useful. "Hokori, you got anything?"

The dragon thought for a few seconds, glancing between himself and the jonin, before slithering out further on the branch, affording himself some room to move. After coiling a few times around the perch for safety, the Pokémon concentrated, building up a crackling ball of purple energy on his tail. A flick of the tip sent the ball hurling toward the jonin, where it missed his head by inches. The older man flinched as it passed, allowing Sakura to land a painful-looking blow on his forearm. This was more like it!

Now sporting an (although he didn't know it) identical grin to his mother, Naruto made a cross-shaped hand sign and sent another dozen doppelgangers hurling into the fray. Forget running, maybe they could win!

* * *

Ha and Sasuke exchanged glances from their own hiding place. _Worry. Warmth. Anticipation._

"Hn. The longer they last, the better it is for us. If they're still standing when we finish our blind, I suppose we could take a look, though." That way, Ha could teleport their bribes back to the hide-out if they got in trouble. No way was Sasuke giving up his chance at a jutsu for those clowns!

Ha jabbed the Uchiha painfully with his nail. "Or we can go now. That works too. Ow! Fine! We'll help them. Happy now?"

 _Happy_.

* * *

Sasuke made it to the clearing just in time to see Hikaru kick Naruto off his tree branch, palming a candy as the boy started to lose his balance. Hokori fired off a thunder wave at the jonin, who completely ignored it in favor of snapping off the branch, sending the dragon after his friend. Sakura was buried up to her neck in the ground, screaming impotent insults at the older ninja.

"Catch the snake," Sasuke ordered curtly, already running for Naruto. A twelve-year-old he could handle. Almost a hundred and fifty pounds of snake, not so much. Ha's psychic powers were needed for that. The Uchiha's breath 'whoof!'ed out of him as Naruto hit, but Sasuke was able to slow him enough to avoid any serious injuries. Hokori floated lightly down next to them, surrounded by the faint glow of Ha's telekinetic ability.

"Did you three just try to beat a combat-oriented jonin?" Sasuke wouldn't have believed anyone could be so dumb, but this was Naruto they were talking about. "There's a reason we're genin and he isn't! We need to get out of here before he finishes eating and comes after us again."

"What about Sakura?" Naruto shook off the impact and stood up, gesturing toward the girl, "We can't leave her!"

Crap. There was no way any of them could dig Sakura out. Or that Naruto might leave her behind. They didn't have the right tools, or know any earth jutsu. Earth jutsu! "Naruto, how did Sakura get buried?"

"Uh, Fuji-sensei used an earth jutsu! Hiding like a mole, he said. He went underground to dodge a jutsu and then came up under Sakura and buried her!" The blonde grimaced, "I don't think we can hurt him while he's down there... If he does it again I think we're screwed. But we can't just leave her!"

Sasuke smirked, and channeled chakra into his eyes, allowing red and black to bleed into his irises. "If we can get him to do it again, I can get Sakura out. I'll copy his jutsu with my Sharingan."

"Oh, yeah, it does that! Hey, hey, I've got a plan!" Naruto grinned, and drew a kunai with a spherical object tied to the ring, similar but not identical to the standard-issue smoke bombs, from his pouch. "When I say so, throw this and a bunch of other kunai at him! Hokori and I will do the rest!"

Sasuke held the modified kunai up to the light, then produced five more and a spool of Uchiha-issue ninja wire. "I think we can do better. Help me tie this on to the ends."

"You know the guided shuriken jutsu? Yeah, that'll work great!"

* * *

Snack completed, Hikaru hopped out of the tree and landed, straight-legged, on the ground fifteen meters below. Cracks spiderwebbed out from his feet at the point of impact. "You wish to feed me more? Very well, I accept!"

"Sorry, but we're keeping the food," Sasuke informed him, "How about some steel instead?" As the knives flew toward the jonin, Naruto took a deep breath, only to receive a punch in the gut from a shadow doppelganger of the jonin that snuck up behind him. Naruto quickly dispersed the chakra construct, but the damage was done. He wouldn't be able to add his part to their collaboration jutsu.

Hokori, though, did. His spiraling roar of wind and draconic power swept up the kunai and at least tripled their velocity. In the end they'd decided to only use regular kunai, and save the smoke bomb for later. The weapons whirled around the jonin, their trailing wires poised to bind him, while Sasuke brought the wires up to his mouth, clutching them in the initial sign for the only fire jutsu he currently knew. That sign was the one that guided the transformation from normal, untyped chakra to fire. He knew that Uchiha ninja wire is highly flammable, and being bound by it while it is on fire can cause serious injuries. And Sasuke knew his sensei could recognize exactly what he was planning to do.

The wires blocked his escape routes on all sides. Everywhere except the ground. The jonin did the logical thing, made four blindingly fast hand signs, and disappeared underground. Extremely fast, but not too fast for the Sharingan. As Sasuke made a break for Sakura's prison, Ha teleported toward the only source of emotions that he didn't see a person near and concentrated as much psychic power as he could into a single move.

Fuji Hikaru, underground and unable to see it, hit a reflect screen moving faster than most Olympic sprinters can run. Ha collapsed, panting from the strain, and Naruto grabbed him as he dashed past. The genin and Pokémon took the opportunity to flee.

* * *

"Exercise is over, you guys win," Surrounded by worried kids, Fuji Hikaru levered himself into a sitting position. "Call it my way of thanking you for making sure I didn't sleep through a concussion back there. Or suffocate underground." When the genin realized their sensei wasn't coming after them, they went back to check and make sure they hadn't, you know, accidentally crippled him or something. They hadn't, but he might have run out of air if Sasuke hadn't dug his unconscious body out of his tunnel. "You five are certainly above what rookie genin are expected to be packing. Owww. I shouldna held back so much."

"Are you sure we aren't just that awesome, sensei?" Naruto bounced in place, pumping a fist, "Looked to me like we kicked your ass!"

"I made sure not to go faster or stronger than the average chunin," Hikaru informed them. That brought a halt to the gloating. "If I, or any jonin, even the ones who have no specialized combat training, went all out against you it'd be over in seconds. The three of you together might be able to beat a jonin's water doppelganger. Two if he was a really bad fighter." Water clones have a tenth of the power of the originals. Well, that was encouraging.

"Well, we all got through your test with bribes left," Sasuke pointed out. All that was just another reason he needed to get stronger now! Fuji-sensei needed to quit with the scare-stories and start doing his job already! "So what jutsu will you be teaching us?"

"None!" the jonin exclaimed cheerfully, "I never said anything about jutsu. 'Techniques' I said. You fresh genin put waaaay too much stock in ninjutsu an' genjutsu. Without a strong foundation in the basics you'll never get a chance to use your combat skills!"

"So what are you going to teach us?" Sakura asked. Support skills? From a sabotage expert, that could be almost anything. They tended to use a much wider range of out of combat techniques than the average ninja.

"I figured I'd start with urban stealth and work my way up," the jonin offered, "You've got plenty of outdoorsy sneaky, but I know the academy doesn't give you nearly as much in urban warfare. They don't want you hiding well if you're inclined to skip. Means it's up to me to get you up to snuff. From there we move up to defensive drills; genin squads get a lot of escort missions, 'cause they've got a jonin in case things go really bad. After that, well, academy genjutsu training is alright, I guess, but I've got higher standards than that. Besides, with Sakura's fine control and Sasuke's clan jutsu y'all should have a better understanding of the art of illusion than the average team..."


	10. Blast Off

**A.N. Now revised, for at least 30% more Kakashi being a badass.**

* * *

 _"Our hearts so true, our courage will pull us through..."_

* * *

"D-ranked mission, jonin Fuji?"

"Yes, please," Fuji Hikaru bowed respectfully to the Hokage. Hiruzen didn't oversee every mission assignment, but for the teams packed with clan heirs he made an exception. They were far too valuable to lose on a dodgy mission. "A lost pet mission would be perfect. We're working on urban ambush tactics."

"Ah, I have just the one," Hiruzen smiled, and passed his subordinate a scroll with a big 'D' stamped on the label, "Tell the rest of team seven good luck from me."

"Erg, that's our target?" Fuji winced, and gave a rueful grin. "Well, at least I've got minions- I mean genin, for the messy bits."

* * *

"Perhaps a C-rank, jonin Hatake? I understand you might want to be out of the village for a while..."

Hatake Kakashi only mostly managed to suppress a twitch. "Yes, please."

"Alright, hmm, let me see here... Ah, I've got just the thing. Simple escort mission, no expected opposition. Perfect for new genin. If you've trained them half as diligently as your ANBU squads were, I'm sure they'll be fine." Of course, Kakashi didn't want to be teaching anyone at all except Naruto, but if he went another year without passing a genin squad his pay would've slipped below cost-of-living.

"Understood, Lord Hokage," Kakashi accepted the 'C'-stamped scroll with another minute twitch. "I'll go brief my cute little genin right now."

* * *

 **"... Some people make me quite glad to not be human."**

"How could you not have known she was in to that?! She freakin' introduced herself as 'Mistress Shibari' dattebane!"

 **"That is what you and your husband are here for. To advise me on such matters as human culture. How could I have known?"**

"Haven't you been talking to Jiraiya?"

 **"Is that relevant?"**

"You don't know what he does for a living? Ah, nevermind. Just, ugh... Maybe we shouldn't be trying to set up Kakashi after all. We certainly haven't done very well so far dattebane."

 **"Now you listen to my advice..."**

* * *

"Your mission, kids, and you have no choice but to accept it, is to track down and capture a certain fugitive," Hikaru informed his genin cheerfully, "The most dangerous and slippery man in the Daimyo's court, and a frequent escapee. He must be tracked down and captured, absolutely unharmed, before he can flee the village or get his identifying marks and tracking seal off. We'll never find him then."

"This really doesn't sound like a genin mission," fretted Sakura, "Shouldn't high-profile political prisoners be a job for ANBU? Or at least a chunin squad?"

"Nope," the jonin stated, before slapping a picture down in front of the genin, "This is Tora. He is your worst nightmare. Here's the tracking seal. It's only accurate to about a block, but it's all you've got. That said, good luck!" Hikaru vanished instantly.

"It's just a cat?" Sakura couldn't see how a lost cat warranted a tracking seal. "We're freakin' ninja! Not very good ninja yet, but still! Isn't this overkill?"

"How many stray cats do you think there are in the average Konoha block?" Sasuke asked her, "And how many blocks will we have to search before we get a signal from the seal?"

"Uh... Oh. This is gonna suck, isn't it?"

"Yeah, probably."

* * *

"These are the guys you're trusting my life to?! They're like twelve!"

"Mah, these kids are genin of Konoha. I've trained them personally for the past few months, and I'm an elite jonin. Between the four of us you'll have nothing to worry about," Man, Kakashi thought to himself, this mission was going poorly already, and they hadn't even left the gates. Tazuna, their charge and client, was an abrasive, judgmental lush with enough nervous habits to make an ex-ANBU like Kakashi twitchy on principle. Rather than being unreadable, the civilian had so _many_ tells it was impossible to decide which ones were saying something important.

"Personally trained?! Elite jonin?! The only thing you lazy bum taught us was freakin' wall climbing, and only after we annoyed you for weeks!" Mah, did they have to be so loud? Genin... brown spiky hair (Not-Naruto) was always complaining. You'd think he'd learn it wasn't doing anything for him. Naruto was capable of learning, at least. Sigh. Why couldn't he have gotten competent genin? You'd think they'd never heard of the military library, with the way they kept begging for jutsu. "All you do is sit around reading those dumbass, orange books while we do all the work!" Maybe if the brat ever read something, he'd actually learn things.

"N-now, you shouldn't say such things about Hatake-sensei. I'm sure he's a great ninja. Now that we're on a real mission he'll demonstrate. Probably," So passive-aggressive... If she wanted to be the team diplomat she'd have to be more sincere than that. It was like watching a bad actress playing at Rin. A really bad actress. If she couldn't even manage to play her chosen role, what good was Not-Rin?

"Hah, you're both fools! Lord Gai's eternal rival of awesome youthfulness could not possibly be anything less than amazing! This mission will reveal his true passionate youth!" And the Gai groupie. Yep. Freakin' Gai and his oddly effective brainwashing techniques. Like having a direct line to Gai... All the noise, none of the actual utility. And at least Gai knew when to get serious.

"... You guys act super useless. Maybe I was better off on my own..." Hell no! Kakashi needed this gig! Give that freaky lady that was hitting on him time to move on.

"Alright, squad, we're moving out!"

* * *

"Sooooo. We've been over every block in Konoha. The seal hasn't so much as twitched," Sakura collapsed on the rooftop, massaging her forehead under her hiate-ate. "I think Tora might've already skipped town, guys."

"He couldn't. That's a barrier seal," Sasuke looked a bit fresher than Sakura, but not by much. Running all over the roofs of Konoha with no shade was taxing no matter how good your genes were. "They'll keep chil- pets... Pets from leaving the specified area. It's... uncomfortable. The cat wouldn't want to leave unless its collar is off. Then the seal is useless anyway."

"Chia pets?" Naruto wasn't even breathing hard. In fact, he looked like he'd found six hours of running in the blazing, summer sun invigorating more than anything. "How could a chia pet run away? Aren't they, like, clay and stuff?"

"Chil? Wait, did your parents use one of these on you?!" Sakura's voice rose into a shriek as she connected the dots. "That's barbaric! How could they?"

"Um, no?" Ha jabbed Sasuke in the ankle. "Hey, that thing saved my life three times back then. For some reason I thought it was a good idea to go swimming in the koi pond. I would've drowned! And they don't hurt that much..."

"On a scale of one to ten, one being a mild friction burn and ten being having your hand impaled on a kunai, how much did it hurt?" Sakura's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"That's your high end?" the Uchiha raised an eyebrow, "Not setting your insides on fire with a botched fireball jutsu? Kunai wounds are like a three. What kind of messed up childhood did you have?"

"Whaaaat?!"

"Jutsu backlash? That can't be more than seven," Naruto scoffed, "That time I was running away from that chunin after I planted a whoopee cushion under his chair on a date, and I stepped on some pigeon spikes, fell off the roof, and bounced my head off a steel dumpster, _that_ was a ten. Man, I was seein' double for days. It was awesome!"

"Whaaaaat?!" Now both Sakura and Sasuke were in on the shock.

"It wasn't that bad... I mean, it got dented pretty bad and my head wasn't. Everybody knows that if you hit something and it breaks, that means you were tougher."

"That explains so much," murmured Sasuke, in the tone of one who has just unraveled a great mystery of the universe.

"I know, right? Everything made sense after I figured that out," Naruto exclaimed with great satisfaction.

"We're taking you to the hospital right now," the dark-haired boy finished.

"Whaaaaaaaat?! No way dattebayo!" Naruto froze, and looked around, before breathing a sigh of relief.

 **"Change jar, nephew."**

"Gyah!"

* * *

Kakashi hated rain almost as much as he hated fog. They both made things way too easy for the mist ninja, like the day he _helped_ Rin on her- REPRESS! DENY!

If Konoha and mist were at war right now, he'd be pretty worried. The trip to the land of waves had been quiet so far, which grated on the jonin's nerves, but Kakashi supposed that since he was leading team twelve, not team seven, the curse had probably passed him by. It was about time he got a simple mission, after thirty years of near constant SNAFUs. Still, paranoid ninja were living ninja. Kakashi furtively dispatched several earth and shadow doppelgangers to form a parameter around the small party and hopefully intercept any ambushes.

At least the damp was keeping Tazuna and the genin silent.

* * *

"Heheheh, this is the best plan ever, brother."

"I know, I'm brilliant. But waiting for the cover of the natural rain was truly inspired, and you deserve all the credit for that, brother."

The two nearly identical men fell silent. One, whose mask had two air filters, trained a pair of binoculars on the distant team twelve, while his sibling, with one filter, held a meditative pose with his hands in a water-style sign. Both of them wore blue and green camouflage, but no identifying symbols. Their hunting blind at the top of a particularly sturdy mangrove swayed a bit in the wind, but the shelter was built to last.

"Heheheheh."

"Yes, brother?"

"It's just... These elite jonin think they're so great, with their clan jutsu and their legendary weapons. But give them a little mist, tight spaces, bad visibility, make 'em damp and miserable and they waste all that chakra on shadow clones and traps for an enemy that doesn't even exist!"

"Well, we do exist, brother," the observer pointed out, "But not to them until mister 'legendary copy ninja' over there is nice and exhausted. Hey, let's ask Haku to let a few of those substitution fodder rabbits run around out there. I bet Hatake notices them; he's got great senses, after all."

"And then he'll be all like 'WTF, white snow rabbits in summer?!' and then he'll waste even more energy going over the area with a fine comb. Excellent suggestion, brother."

"Hmmm, I wonder if there's anything else interesting about our distant friend in here..." The observer set his binoculars down and began tapping out a message on a telegraph in the back of the blind. With his free hand, he leafed through a battered book. "Man, this Kumo bingo book is full of goodies. Good thing admin Zabuza got us this, or we might've just charged in like idiots against one of Konoha's best fighters. It's so great when your superiors consider your life valuable."

"And that hunter-ninja asked us _why_ we defected," the seated ninja chuckled, "I felt sorry for the guy, and not just 'cause of what Haku did to him. The Mizukage's jumped the shark. Sees everybody as disposable assets. We were smart to get out while we still could."

"Focus on the jutsu for a while," the standing ninja ordered, stepping away from the telegraph. "I'll spell you in an hour so you can get some food and a little shut-eye. Ration bars taste like dried shit but they're better than going hungry." The mist ninja sighed as he stared at the bingo book. "Someday that's gonna be us with the two page spread, not trumped up clan brats like Hatake."

* * *

"S-so, Naruto will be ok, right?"

"Of course he will; we're professionals," a smiling medic-ninja reassured Sakura, "Still, it's good you caught this before he saw any combat missions. I haven't seen a case like that in years… Damn Uzumaki."

"What do you mean?" Sakura had never heard of someone else named Uzumaki… She was sure it had come up in one of the old history books, though. Also, cursing the Uzumaki in general was an interesting change from cursing Naruto in particular.

"Well, Uzumaki used to be more common than they are now; the clan lost a lot of people in the second Great Ninja War. The whole lot of them are rather infamous in the medical trade," the doctor shared, "They don't have a kekkei genkai, exactly, but they're all blessed and cursed with a high metabolism and a remarkably fast healing rate. Means they're inclined to let things heal normally, even and especially when they need a freaking hospital! Your teammate will be fine, though. He's still young and resilient."

"When will he be out? We are on a mission," Sasuke cut in, "We need the idiot."

"Well, we're re-setting several crooked breaks, reducing scar tissue in his brain and muscles, treating a minor case of malnutrition, and making sure that aneurysm brewing in his thick skull doesn't leave him brain dead the next time somebody hits him just right," the medic listed off, "He's not going anywhere for a few days. Also," the medic paused to hand Sakura a quart jug of rattling pills, "I'm authorizing up to A rank force to make sure he takes at least two of these vitamins every day. Doctor's orders, and you know what?"

" **Inside these walls I outrank even the Hokage,"** the medic hissed as shadows crawled over his face and deepened around him, **"Do not motivate me to enforce my decrees… personally."**

Holy crap Nara could be scary when they felt like it!

* * *

Kakashi jerked his nose out of his book, kunai in hand, as one of his shadow doppelgangers was dispersed. It hadn't been low on chakra, but he hadn't sensed an attacker. Hells, he hadn't sensed anything bigger than those substitution fodder rabbits! But there was definitely somebody out there…

The rabbits were a dead giveaway; white rabbits in summer? Not likely! However, the ability of the enemy to remain unseen even when taking out his doppelgangers was… worrisome, to say the least. Mist ninja. Probably. The fog could be an attempt at misdirection.

Kakashi could say with complete honesty that he was one of the best ninja in the world. Maybe not in the top ten, but certainly in the top hundred. He had a functional chakra sense, extremely superhuman smell, and the general awareness every village instills in their elite operatives. Even with the famous Hidden Mist jutsu Kirigakure was named after, he should have at least registered that there was an attacker!

There were maybe seven people alive who could pull this off, none of which were exactly encouraging names. Aoi of the mist hunter-ninja. Momochi Zabuza. Uchiha Itachi. Orochimaru… Wasn't he after the Sharingan? Crap.

The jonin immediately signaled for his team to halt. Wait, they don't know ANBU sign; they're just genin! Not exactly who he wanted backing him up against Aoi, Zabuza, or Orochimaru, but beggars can't be choosers.

"Manji formation around Tazuna, at watch your backs!" the last Hatake ordered his students, "Someone hostile is out there, and they've taken out my pickets without compromising stealth. I'm not going to lie to you; this isn't a good situation."

"So we're in trouble 'cause you suck?" Spiky brown hair was far too loud for this. If Kakashi wasn't sure the enemy already knew exactly where they were, the imbecile would've just sealed their fates! "You couldn't even dodge a water bucket! You talkin' like taking out _your_ clones would be a challenge?"

"Don't be stupid!" Bad-at-Rin hisses, "He was obviously holding back against genin. Unless… The bell test! You really think we're useless, don't you, sensei?" Of course he did, but Kakashi had the sneaking suspicion he wasn't supposed to out and say it. "Are you really pulling this again? I thought fooling around on missions was a capital offense!" Wait, is she serious?! She thinks this is a test?

"Yooooosh! I shall track down our youthful sensei's clones!" Aaand there goes Gai clone, charging off into unknown territory occupied with hostile assassins. And down goes Gai clone, cursing and clutching his… foot? Caltrops? Caltrops. Oh, that… But then…

After helping to bandage wannabe's foot, Kakashi took a few moments to examine the trap. The tiny twists of razor wire had been scattered haphazardly all over the woods, presumably to herd people onto the safer road. Maybe for a trap, but…

The caltrops were old, rusty, and in many cases partially buried; thank the Kami lady Tsunade invented a tetanus vaccine. They looked and smelled like they'd been poisoned at some point in the past, but the toxins had long since weathered away. In fact, these caltrops were old and worn enough to have been there since the third Great Ninja War. Of all the luck, to have stumbled into an old trap. They were sharp enough to destroy a clone on contact, had been there long enough to blend perfectly in with their surroundings, and looked perfectly innocuous.

But out of all the people who could sneak by Kakashi, only three would bother to keep track of trap fields set up during the great wars on the off chance that they could use them against their enemies some time later. And only one of those favored poisoned weapons. Orochimaru. It was him!

The Konoha jonin went through a familiar sign sequence and summoned his small pack of ninja hounds in a burst of smoke and chakra. He was starting to run a little low, but even if it wasn't Orochimaru being taken by surprise was far worse than starting out tired. Kakashi had run S rank missions on less chakra than this; he'd be fine.

"We're moving, team. Fan out, humans to the inside of the formation, and stay alert. Don't leave the path; the woods are full of old traps. The rust and decay might lay you out worse than the poison they used to have. Oh, and kill any snakes you see. Better safe than sorry."

* * *

"How'd you find that caltrop field, brother?"

"Picked six of the damn things out of my ass when we were heading into wave for the first time and we stopped for a breather. Still not sure the tactical advantage is worth that."

"You have any idea how much chakra summoning takes? Definitely worth it."

"Says you. You aren't the one who got stuck."

"So, when are we moving in?"

"We're not. Admin Zabuza says we wouldn't last long enough against Hatake to matter, and he doesn't want to waste his assets. He and Haku are gonna deal with this personally."

* * *

"I can't believe we're doing this," Sasuke muttered, distractedly waving around a feathery, pink wand. "Here, kitty-kitty-kitty." He could have sounded less enthused. Anything was possible.

"The seal's resonating," Sakura reminded, sweeping her own catnip wand around optimistically, "Tora has to be around here somewhere, and without the numbers advantage, this is the best we can do. Besides, as long as we're together it isn't so bad, is it?"

"Yes, it is," disagreed the Uchiha, "It's worse this way. At least if Naruto was here he'd make us look good by comparison. And provide interesting conversation."

"What? I'm-"

"You'll scare the cat away. Keep your voice down. Or ideally, silent."

"…"

"Better."

* * *

A few streets over, Ha stared down a dark alley at a pair of reflective, yellow eyes, his nail resting easily on a shoulder. "So, are you Tora?"

 _Familiarity. Unease. Flee?_

"No, no, I'm not gonna hurt you. But, uh, my Lord has sworn to return you to home. Home?"

 _Desperation! Rage! Fear!_

"It's that bad?"

 _FEaR!_

The Ralts concentrated all his admittedly weak mental prowess on the terrified feline, and after a few minutes received a fragment of memory that staggered the young monk. A vision of suffocation tied to the nauseating scent of perfume and heavy make-up forced him gasping to his knees.

"Okay, then," the psychic considered his nail briefly, but sheathed it in favor of a shard of broken glass from a spilled trash can nearby. "Hold still, and it'll be over fast. You'll never have to go through that again. This I swear."

The only signs Sakura and Sasuke found of Tora were a shredded ribbon, a badly clawed, snapped collar, and a few drops of blood. Madame Shijimi, the daimyo's wife, was distraught for weeks, and forced her husband to cut off all government jobs for Konoha.

She held out for three days. Then her new cat made a break for freedom. Just like the last four times one of her pets made a clean get-away.

* * *

Several hours after he came to the conclusion that Orochimaru was hunting him personally, Kakashi was feeling a little unsettled. Nerves, certainly. Why hadn't Orochimaru attacked by now? It had nothing to do with the constant stream of surveillance jutsu the jonin was forced to use to keep the sannin from sneaking up on him. Elite jonin or not, keeping watch over himself and his charges tight enough to catch an S-ranked missing-nin was wearing him down.

Maybe the irregular Sharingan sweeps weren't as good an idea as they'd sounded. And the second batch of shadow doppelgangers. But he had to know! He was sure somebody was out there, but he just couldn't find them! It was making him shake, and not just from his depleted stamina!

And now there was this. The river. Well, stream, but if Kakashi was wrong and it was mist ninja this would be the ideal place for an ambush. There were any number of jutsu that could instantly debilitate even a jonin if he stepped in water controlled by a hostile water master. And those stepping stones looked awfully convenient. Syrup trap, water prison, heck even basic water manipulation would do the trick in a pinch. Which meant he needed a Sharingan sweep.

Kakashi wearily raised his hiate-ate yet again and passed his borrowed gaze over the river. A couple of big fish were swimming past, but he couldn't see the tell-tale chaotic glow of a human, let alone the regimented chakra flows of a trained ninja. The jonin paid special attention to the patches of reeds, wary of the classic ninja trick of hiding under the water with a straw or reed to breathe through, but saw nothing. He smelled nothing. Pakkun (his other dogs had run out of chakra an hour ago) smelled nothing.

Still suspicious, Kakashi tossed a kunai at each rock, listening for the 'ping!' of metal on rock. Not camouflage capes or a jutsu construct, then. The jonin lifted one foot to step out onto the rock. And that was when he heard it. A faint noise, like sand or snow scraping across itself, growing rapidly louder!

Incoming jutsu? He couldn't take the chance that it was anything else. Neither Tazuna nor the genin would survive if it was. Before he'd even thought it all the way through, Kakashi dove in front of the group, hands already cycling through the signs of an earth-style barrier jutsu. He wasn't sure exactly what was coming, but Earth style was capable of blocking (or at least slowing down) wind, water, and fire techniques, making for a good, generic defense against unidentified, ranged jutsu.

And just in time. Even as the thick, curved wall of mud erupted from the ground, a ravening wave of shimmering white erupted from somewhere across the stream and slammed into the group, parting reluctantly around the wall and leaving thick sheets of gleaming, crystalline ice wherever it touched. Pakkun, unable to move as quickly and never great in a fight anyway, dispelled his summoning well before the jutsu hit.

Because it couldn't just be a normal, murderous, ninja assassin. No, it had to be somebody with a kekkei genkai or secret technique Kakashi had never seen before! Of course it was.

Kakashi cautiously tested the ice with a sandaled toe. No traction. Konoha is near the equator, and almost never gets snow. As such, the standard issue footwear doesn't perform well in winter conditions. Naturally he owned studded boots; he just hadn't brought them on a mission to a near-tropical island.

A quick check noted that all his doppelganger sentries had fallen to the snow jutsu. But, it didn't look like anyone was nearby; probably trying to avoid friendly fire.

"I'm going to melt a safe path," Kakashi stated. Gotta remember to spell everything out for the dead weight. "Take Tazuna and go. I'll cover our backs." The temperature was dropping, mist wafting up increasingly thickly from the ice, because fucking mist ninja. Always with the obnoxious damp that sticks in your underwear for dozens of washings. The vindictive bastards. Making sure that even if you beat them they'd leave you with trench rot for weeks after.

He'd have to work fast, before it was too cold for one of his weaker elements to work properly. Kakashi could use lightning, earth, fire, and water jutsu, but he really only considered himself a master of the first two.

Halfway through the sign sequence, something half paranoia and half a subconscious sense for nearby magnetic fields born of decades spent mastering lightning style prompted Kakashi to tackle his charges to the ground just ahead of a massive, single-edged cleaver that whistled through the air above him, sliced through the earthen wall with no loss of momentum, and kept going.

Momochi Zabuza. And a quick look down showed that the rogue ninja was wearing crampons. Crap.

With an odd, hopping bit of footwork that would have been monumentally stupid for anyone wielding a reasonably-sized weapon, Zabuza turned most of a circle and brought his sword hurling downward. With a sword that heavy, keeping it moving so you don't have to waste effort and chakra fighting inertia is more important than proper form.

Kakashi couldn't complain, as that was the only thing that let him get himself, the civilian, and the genin out of the danger zone with minimal casualties. They'd apparently left a couple of fingers behind, and all of Kakashi's were accounted for.

"Sear the wound with a jutsu, and cover it with something! Then head for the trees!" The leaf jonin barked, shoving his hiate-ate up with one hand and drawing a kunai with the other, "You'll have a better chance of escaping there!"

"But we don't know any fire-"

"So use lightning!" Kakashi would've liked to say more, but, well, angry, psychotic, dangerously skilled, better prepared mist ninja. Kakashi had actually faced worse odds before… but only because when he was younger he'd made a point of sparring once a week with his own jonin-sensei, Namikaze Minato. The man an entire nation had declared too strong to fight.

Zabuza was no Minato-sensei, of course. In fact, one-on-one in forest like this, even with the stream nearby, Kakashi wouldn't have been that worried. Zabuza, for all his power and fearsome reputation, wasn't as fast as Kakashi even without lugging around a giant hunk of steel. And the leaf jonin thought he could probably psyche out his opponent if given an opening; the so-called demon of mist had a reputation for a short temper and an exploitably sadistic fighting style.

On a treacherous surface, possibly surrounded by traps set up ahead of time, with Zabuza having at least one accomplice packing jonin-level ninjutsu? Especially as Zabuza had clearly geared (and possibly, although Kakashi really hoped he hadn't, booked) up specifically for this fight?

The loyal jonin pumped chakra spikes into the ice, and burned a little more to shore up his kunai before attempting to block Zabuza's next swing. What with the attrition tactics from earlier, and the constant pressure of having to deal with the ice, Sharingan upkeep, and his opponent's overwhelming strength, Kakashi was going to run out unless he finished this fight fast.

Zabuza probably _had_ booked up, after all. Although Kakashi tried to keep it under wraps, it wasn't exactly an S-rank secret after thirty years of active duty that one of his most glaring weaknesses was low stamina for somebody of his rank. Especially since every Hatake ever had the exact same problem.

And those chakra spikes were clearly not cutting it, because they did exactly nothing to keep Kakashi steady as Zabuza powered through his block. The reinforced kunai didn't break, but its wielder went flying, only to crash into a thick, reflective wall of ice rapidly sprouting around them. Understandably reluctant to be trapped in a box with Zabuza, Kakashi dropped his kunai and tried to aim a body flicker jutsu for the outside. Sure, whoever was out there was probably waiting to open fire the moment something poked out over the walls, but it was better than an enclosed space with Zabuza.

Kakashi would have made it too, if he hadn't needed an extra second to stabilize himself on the slick, uncooperative ice. Time Zabuza used to slam a steel-spiked boot into the leaf ninja's right thigh. And then he went for the jugular with a curved, cutthroat kunai. Rather understandably unenthused about this, Kakashi converted some chakra straight to electricity, sending it out the path of least resistance: Zabuza's conductive accessories.

Turned out the mist ninja wasn't prepared enough to wear rubber socks. He went flying for the other side of the ice dome, which Kami damn it was completely enclosing them, except for an air hole the size of a tennis ball at the very top. Considerate of them. Even better, the ice was thrumming with chakra all around him, it was still getting colder, and oh, hey, Zabuza just sunk into the ice underneath their feet. Not earth jutsu sunk; more like somebody pulled him inside the reflective surface like it was an open door.

And the incredibly well-honed danger sense of an elite veteran of a war and several hundred assassinations was the only thing that let Kakashi survive when Zabuza's sword slashed out of the ice behind him. Sliding to a shaky halt near the middle of the dome, one hand clutching at his badly lacerated side, Kakashi watched as the mist ninja's massive sword, its hilt in the hands of his _animate reflection_ , slid soundlessly back into the ice. There was a kid in the mirror with him, maybe fourteen or fifteen, with a hand on the older man's shoulder and a Kiri hunter-nin mask on his face.

Zabuza had an apprentice (probably). With the supposedly lost ice-style kekkei genkai. What to do about this? It was already too cold for a good fireball. Earth style wouldn't work with all the ice around. Water style would just give his opponents more ammunition without the Sharingan genjutsu they were refusing to let him put on them. Kakashi couldn't use wind jutsu at all. Lightning might work, but all the good ones needed more chakra than Kakashi could spare if he wanted to stand a chance against Zabuza afterward. So what was left?

Setting off explosive seals in a confined space with yourself is guaranteed to suck. Hopefully, it would suck more for the people literally inside the walls.

Setting off all six of his pre-prepared, tagged kunai at once blasted a gaping hole in the dome, and propelled Kakashi straight through the other side on wings of blast overpressure. Straight shot into the stream, where he bounced off one of the stepping stones before falling into the water. It sucked about as much as Kakashi had expected.

The two hundred pound or so rock flipping over onto his legs with a meaty 'thud' was a less expected problem. As was the tiny creature, about as big as a good-sized dog, that popped up from the other side. The… whatever it was had small, beady eyes and a head shaped like a watermelon, with a huge fin on top and feathery spikes on its cheeks. And the whole thing was coated in mud, waving its stubby little forelegs around almost like… hand seals! Oh, shit!

Kakashi's hand had only just made it to his kunai pouch when the heavy sphere of water sprang up around him, hurling the rock away and leaving him suspended in Kirigakure's infamously troublesome water prison jutsu. Ordinarily, the technique isn't much of a problem. It only works over water, and immobilizes the caster, making them easy prey for a teammate.

But Zabuza himself hadn't used the jutsu; the summon (it was probably a summon?) had. He and his apprentice were free to move around. Kakashi was alone. Except for the brats- Nope, he was alone.

The masked kid was busy dragging their bodies back into the clearing with a couple of probably nobodies in Kiri headbands. All three, and the civilian, looked like they'd been mauled by some kind of wild animal, all three were covered in senbon, and all three's blood wasn't so much pumping as trickling from the wounds, and wannabe Rin was just like real Rin and wannabe Naruto would have been real Naruto if Kakashi'd gotten his way and wannabe Gai Gai can't die Gai never dies Gai's the only one who doesn't die he can't die

Obito's eye burned, and the world began to swirl.

* * *

Several gallons of water fell on Giratina's head.

" **What? Where did that come from?"**

* * *

Chakra exhaustion claimed the last Hatake's life several minutes before Zabuza announced that even he couldn't hold his breath that long and ordered the demon brothers' summon to release its jutsu. Then, he chopped off Kakashi's head, and burned the body. Just to be sure.

Fucking leaf ninja. You couldn't take chances with anybody from the same place that produced Orochimaru, and the Aburame. Couldn't trust them and their allies to stay dead. The creepy bastards. Always leaving you looking over your shoulder weeks later for bugs and snakes.

* * *

 **A.N. Kakashi no laik mudkipz.**

 **What, you didn't think the heroes were the only ones with Pokémon, did you?**

 **Reviewers current and past will be P. M. ed an Omake starring everyone's favorite ninja zombie, Canon Madara! Review and ye shall read! Any new reviewers who want to read it ought to send a message. There's too many of you now for me to keep track of who got the Omake and who didn't, which is awesome.  
**


	11. The Shifting Waves

**A.N. Calling All OCs!**

 **The chunin exams are fast approaching! But rehashing canon for the zillionth time is boring! Nearly everybody does it. Of course, some plot-critical events have to happen, but for the most part…**

 **So I'm sending out the call for OCs. PM me their bios! Appearance, techniques, personality, village, anything you think I'll need to write them well, and there's a good chance they'll participate in the Reflections of Exile chunin exams. Characters will be more likely to appear if they come with a genin team and a jonin-sensei. Characters will be less likely to appear if they are significantly stronger than genin should be. Leaf, Sand, Mist, Rain, Grass, and Sound villages will be participating in the exam, and should their genin make it to the finals, their leaders will show up to watch. Yes, this means that Terumi Mei, Yagura, or a member of Akatsuki (probably Konan, since she's the only human in the group who isn't an international criminal or a walking corpse) could end up in the Kage box.**

* * *

 _"You teach me and I'll teach you…"_

* * *

 _Pokémon Cloning Experiment Notes: Day 1. Today, DNA samples were successfully extracted from the skins procured by Kabuto and implanted into snake eggs. I have high hopes for this experiment. While the first test practically never yields viable results, I feel that this experiment will give us valuable data for future attempts. I feel a curious sense of anticipation as the eggs enter their incubators. I think I shall continue to oversee these experiments personally…_

* * *

"I don't know… Are you sure you want another D-rank? You've been doing an awful lot of them lately. Perhaps you should take a few days to recover."

"What? No way old man! Come on, you gotta give us another mission already!" Oh, Hiruzen would, but Naruto was far too much fun to wind up. "What kind of Hokage slacks off?" _That_ brought back some memories.

"The Senju Hashirama kind," the elderly ninja muttered, "Even before Tobirama-sensei got the hat he was doing half the job… But you've run me into a bit of a problem, team seven. You see, you've completed fifty D-ranked missions in just three weeks."

"Don't try to tell us you've run out," Sakura protested, "I know you get like twenty a week from my family alone!"

"Of course not," the Hokage agreed, "We have plenty of work for you. It's just that with all the missions under your belt, you're vastly overqualified."

"Huh?"

"Therefore, I have no choice but to assign you a C-ranked mission," he continued in a much brighter tone, "This mission has two parts; a public objective and a secret objective. Both of them must be completed. The public part of your mission is a routine diplomatic task. You will deliver a letter from me to the daimyo of the land of waves. The number of missions he and his subjects have been sending to any ninja village over the past few years has been slowly dropping off. Since he is valued customer of Konoha, I am officially asking if he has been dissatisfied with our service, along with the usual niceties. Unofficially, I want you four to be an obvious and loud Konoha presence. You're serving misdirection duty for another squad. One of our genin teams disappeared on a mission there, and we're hoping to locate them."

"But if it's so dangerous, why are you sending genin?" Now Sakura was feeling a little worried, "Shouldn't this be a job for chunin or jonin? I- If I have to give my life in service of the village, I'd rather spend it on something more… meaningful? Not that I'm questioning your commands, my lord, I just-"

"Are questioning my commands," Hiruzen finished for her, "Oh, no, I'm not angry. As ninja of the leaf, you have every right to know the parameters of your mission, so you can refuse if you feel it is beyond your abilities. However, I've judged your part in the mission to be very low risk. Even missing-nin won't kill the messenger. It sets a dangerous precedent. We do have articles of war, us ninja. They may not be as strict as the codes of the samurai, but they exist, and failing to follow them is the fastest way to get a kunai in the back I've ever heard of. Messengers are under the aegis of the gods and more importantly the daimyo. Intercepting them to read their documents, sure, but killing or capturing them? It isn't done. By anyone.

"Because if your enemies' messengers aren't safe, neither are yours. Governments cannot operate without a way to reliably pass commands from the daimyo to his vassals, and between governments. Wartime is slightly different, but even then only military couriers may be intercepted. To do otherwise would invite anarchy. It's bad enough when military chains of command are tangled. If civilian leaders were cut off we could end up back in warring clans, but with the resources we have built up in peacetime to… enhance the carnage. Not even Kirigakure at its most bloodthirsty would stoop so low. The other team, who I'm not telling you anything else about for operational security, is the one in danger. So as long as you do not give good reason to suspect you that are spies, you will be fine."

"I had miso ramen yesterday, so pork today…? No, maybe seafood…"

"Naruto!"

"Eh? Somebody say my name?"

* * *

 _Pokémon Cloning Experiment Notes: Day 35. The initial batch of eggs has proven a complete loss. Not a single one developed a viable embryo, let alone a living organism. Possible culprits: Wrong type of eggs, imprecise DNA extraction/implantation, improper incubation procedure, contamination by microbes, contamination by chakra, insufficiently clean laboratory equipment? More tests needed. Perhaps a control group with implanted snake DNA…_

* * *

A young woman jolted awake, spurred by some ingrained reflex, and tried to dart into a ready stance. About six inches from the object she was resting on, though, her neck and back abruptly protested her sleeping conditions with burning, biting cramps, and her face returned to the rather splintery pillow with a piteous moan. Splintery pillow? Not a pillow then. Spilled liquor smell? Definitely not a pillow. A bar.

Well, that explained why she was feeling so uncomfortable. And the symptoms that had nothing to do with an uncomfortable night, like the furry tongue and the splitting headache. She'd spent the night face down on a bar table. Eight hours, maybe? The woman cracked an eye, but shut it immediately as the light pierced her foggy head. The evil, painful light was high in the sky, so probably longer.

The woman raised a hand, and after a few stuttering false starts managed to summon a pale green glow around it, which she passed over her aching shoulders, back, and forehead. It… didn't really help much, but at least she could sit up without much pain. At least as long as she avoided sudden movements. Ow.

Peeling herself off the bar for a third time, she beheld a hefty pint glass of water placed just out of easy reach by some thoughtful, wonderful soul. Close enough to grab, far enough that she wouldn't knock it over waking up. She groped for it, getting a firm grip after a few tries, and gulped it down. Not as good as sake, but seeing as sake probably got her into this situation, the water was the wiser choice. Probably? Things started getting fuzzy last night after the second hour at the blackjack table…

But the casino offered free booze and it wasn't polite to refuse a glass. And if you were going to have one, you might as well have a few more. It was only polite. She didn't really want it. Yeah.

"Shizune?" the woman croaked hopefully, and then immediately regretted it. So _loud_. "Shizune, are you there?" Of course she wasn't there! Shizune was smart; she'd go back to the hotel like a… a smart person. Not that the rather hung over woman wasn't a smart person. Everything she'd done seemed like a good idea at the time. She'd remember when to stop next time, now that she'd learned her lesson. It wouldn't be like the other times.

It was starting to get hard to believe that, though. Just a little.

However, she was torn from her moping by the sound of three approaching sets of footsteps. A short civilian man, walking with a cane for style rather than need. An older teenager, probably male, dangerously well-trained but taking care to make noise with his steps. And a near-silent cat inexplicably consenting to walk with its owner.

"Lady Tsunade?" The civilian set aside his cane and slid onto a stool next to her. The cat leaped up onto the bar next to her and brazenly rubbed against her lowered head, purring. This close, she could hear a bell on its collar tinkling faintly. "I have a business proposal for you."

"Fuck off," Tsunade informed him, "I'm retired." And hung over. Possibly still drunk, depending on how much she'd had last night.

"I own two thirds of your debts," That was one way to sober her up fast! "I'd be willing to forgive, say, ten million ryo of it in exchange for a service you might easily provide."

"What do you want me to do?" Ten million! It wouldn't get her anywhere near the black, but maybe she could get away with another loan, just to get her back on her feet. "I hope you don't want me to kill anyone for you. I wasn't an assassin even when I was active duty."

"Fortunately for you, I don't need an assassin. I need a medic," the civilian stated, "So let's start this over again. Hello, Lady Tsunade. I am Gato, of Gato Shipping and Services. I am offering you a chance to work off your gambling debts. My associate here, Haku, has lost an eye in the line of duty. As a responsible boss, I take care of my people, and I have procured a replacement for him. Implanting it is worth ten million ryo to me. Is it to you?"

Tsunade blearily cracked open an eye, pleasantly surprised to see that the light no longer hurt nearly as much. Gato was as short as she'd expected, grey haired but probably in his fifties, in a fashionable suit and a pair of sunglasses. The trained man, presumably Haku, had a remarkably androgynous face, with clothing probably chosen to enhance the gender-ambiguity. The only thing marring his appearance was a rough, clean, cloth bandage covering his empty left eye socket.

"Do you have the eye with you?" First, to make sure she could actually perform as requested. "I'll need to make sure it isn't damaged. I won't transplant anything that could turn septic later."

"Of course!" Gato reached slowly for his suit's inner pockets, using the measured motions civilians who regularly deal with ninja often adopt when they carry things concealed. He withdrew a small glass jar, its stopper spiderwebbed with a preservation seal in an uncertain hand. Whoever had drawn the seal had probably copied it from a book, but it looked sound to the medic.

Floating inside the jar was a single, blood-red Sharingan eye, trailing optic nerve as it bobbed a little in the protective fluid. "Wha- Where did you get this?!"

"An extra twenty million for no questions asked," Gato smiled thinly, a deliberately insincere expression that would've creeped out someone who hadn't spent years around Orochimaru. It was still unnerving to see it on someone who wasn't him. Tsunade held the man's gaze for several heartbeats, but in the end she looked away first, back to the obviously stolen organ.

"Eh, what has Konoha done for me? Sure. No questions asked."

"What has Konoha done for you? Not much, it looks like," the businessman mirrored in a much warmer tone, "Looks to me like they're leaving you to rot. And after all you did for them… That's not sound business."

" _I_ left _them_ ," the sannin corrected, "Warned them, too. But the bastards wouldn't take my suggestions seriously. Not 'till it was too late. Far too late."

"You don't mean… the Tsunade protocol, do you?" Gato's surprise carried an artificial tinge, but Tsunade was far too hung over to notice.

"The Tsunade protocol? They named a protocol after me?"

"Uh, yeah. Dunno what they call it in ninjaville; that's classified information. But out here we call it the Tsunade protocol," Gato elaborated, "Every work group must include a trained medical professional. Every work station must be within six yards of a first aid kit. Every worker must have taken a basic first aid course. Cut back on losses to industrial accidents by 95%! Between that, this interesting new idea out of Iwa called insurance, and the higher wages, employee morale and productivity has never been higher. I'm told it was based on your recommendations for ninja teams, though I don't know the specifics."

"It is," she confirmed, "I recommended that every ninja team include a medical specialist, every squad carry a field medical kit, and that every ninja receive a crash course in basic first aid in the academy. Medic-nin still practically never do field work, only one in three squads bother with a full medical kit, and they only made basic first aid standard curriculum after the Uchiha massacre gave them a kick in the ass! My own sensei and he couldn't trust me enough to save kami damn lives!" Tsunade's voice grew steadily more venomous as she spoke, until she trailed off near the end and slumped down in her seat. "You actually…?"

"Since the Second Great War," the civilian confirmed, "Even if I didn't care about my people, it's good business. You give your workers safe conditions and good wages, and other companies can't tempt away the skilled labor. The effort to train 'em is worth more if they're happy and ain't getting maimed by the assembly lines and ship engines. Isn't always enough; I've got more than a few people I'm paying a pension because they were too injured to work. But even if it wasn't money well spent I'd still do it. We take care of our own."

Tsunade lapsed into silence for a few minutes, her eyes fixed on the Sharingan and her mind miles away. Gato left her to her thoughts, turning his attention to the pitch-black cat. (With yellow stripes and rings. Yellow! Huh. Must be some ninja animal in its family tree.) Haku kept a silent guard, watching his employer's back and fingering a well-hidden senbon pouch whenever someone got too close. Not concealed by S-rank standards, but most jonin wouldn't have seen it.

"I don't suppose there's a position open for a washed out old has-been of a doctor?" the sannin ventured, wrenching herself from her thoughts. It'd just been so long since she'd done something _meaningful_ , practiced medicine to help people rather than feed children to the meat grinder of the front lines. "I could teach your medics some basic healing jutsu, make sure your training programs are up to spec…" Also, she really needed the money. And this could be her chance to focus on something constructive, pull herself out of the rut and the sake.

"Heh, you say that like I wouldn't hire you in a heartbeat!" Gato chuckled, "I'd have to be an imbecile to turn you down! Gato Shipping would be thrilled to have you, my lady. If you don't mind me saying so, I think it might be good for you too. If the scuttlebutt is to be believed, you haven't practiced medicine in quite some time. I don't expect your skills have suffered anything that a little practice can't fix, but, well… I imagine if I spent that much time away from the office I'd be itching for some real, meaningful work. It's in a man's, hem, person's nature to value what he earns over what he's given, I think. Sorry," he grimaced, "I'm used to giving the old pitch to big, strapping young lads looking for direction in their lives, and if you don't call 'em Men, even the brats, they'll never sign a thing."

"Old pitch or not, it doesn't change the wisdom in those words," the sannin agreed, "I think it's been too long. Saving lives and livelihoods, that's why I became a medic-nin. Real, important work. This might not be on the same scale, but I can't believe that civilian lives are less valuable just because they aren't military assets. Man loses a hand or an eye outside of a great village, it's gone unless you track down some renegade. And there's maybe five renegade medics in the elemental nations. I only got out so easy because of my name. Faaaugh. First time being a Senju ever got me anything but pain."

"Do you really want something meaningful? Something important? Because that can be arranged."

"What, exactly, are you proposing…?"

"Well, Gato Shipping would certainly be thrilled to have you," the civilian hedged, guarded hope filling his voice, "But I also represent a larger organization. A collective of entrepreneurs, merchants, owners, businessmen… We're out to make the world a better place. Not for charity, of course. But people are more likely to buy things, spend money in casinos, do quality work if they're whole, safe, and happy. If you worked directly for me, you could do that for the workers and families of Gato Shipping. If you worked with the Team…

"Imagine a public hospital in every town, with offices in all the little villages. Hospitals subsidized by the government and local businesses, so that people only pay what they can afford for quality care based on your teachings and those of your apprentices. Imagine a world where little farmer boys don't have to die because they stepped on a rusty nail, and civilian girls don't have to fear dying in childbirth. That's part of our mission, our end goals. You could make that possible. You could make a _difference._ "

Tsunade pretended to consider the offer, but there was really only one answer she could give. If there'd been hospitals and medical professionals all over the nations rather than concentrated in the 'Great' villages… If a doctor had been closer to Dan… "Where do I sign?"

"No signatures; no contracts. Not for this. For this, you have to take the Oath," Gato informed her, "Fair warning, it's something of a double-edged sword. Once you've taken it, there's no backing out. You'll find no friends among our members if you betray us. May not include many ninja, but that's a lot of civilians. On the other hand, as long as you stand with us, we'll stand with you, no matter the circumstances. That's the strength of the Team. We take care of our own. I may be slightly biased here, but I never regretted taking the Oath. If you want to think it over, though, there's certainly a position available at Gato Shipping until you decide. Even if you decline, my original offers are still on the table…"

"I assume that I can read, or at least hear this oath before I make my decision?"

"I wouldn't swear to anything I hadn't read first," the businessman agreed, drawing a scroll from his jacket pocket and passing it over, "Go ahead and take a look. The name of our organization will be blacked out until you're ready to take the Oath, though. I'm sure you understand why."

"Hmmm," the sannin grunted noncommittally, before scanning the scroll, her lips twitching into a vague smile at places, "This is actually pretty corny, you know, for the oh so secret society you've been building up so passionately."

"I said the same thing when they came to me," Gato commiserated, "Word is that the big boss, the man who started it all, has a taste for whimsy and a bit of a nostalgic streak to him. Great men and women always have their quirks. It does sum up our mission and philosophy pretty well."

"The last line seems a little out of place, though."

"What ninja have you met that respects purely economic power?"

"Point. Not a lot of them… Most of the Kage do, which is part of why they get the big, worthless hats. Main reason grand-uncle Tobirama did, nepotism aside. Ok, yeah. Yeah, I can get behind this," Tsunade returned her gaze to the top of the scroll. "I'll take the Oath. Maybe a clean start is just what I need." She paused, taking a deep breath. It wasn't water, but she felt like she was certainly diving head first into something.

"To protect the world from devastation.

"To unite all people, from all nations.

"To denounce the _evils_ of truth and love.

"To extend our reach to the stars above.

"Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light.

"Only the wise respect our might!"

* * *

 _Pokémon Cloning Experiment Notes: Day 80. Snakes cloned using the same procedure turned out viable, while Pokémon cloned continued to fail. Fault does not lie with the procedure. Perhaps a different kind of egg will yield better results. Just because it looks like a snake does not mean it is genetically close to a snake, after all. What I would give to be able to read genetic code…_

* * *

"Sensei? I got a question, an' Sakura said to ask you 'cause she didn't know what to do either an' Sasuke didn't say anything but I _think_ he wants to know too an'-"

"Whoa, slow down, kid! What are you trying to ask me?"

"Wh- well, Sasuke and I have never been out of the village before, and Sakura's only been out with her family when her parents packed, so… what should we bring for a month? I thought I knew, but Sasuke said Itachi said his jonin-sensei said to be careful about what you bring, 'cause if we bring too much or not enough we could fail a mission, an' it's our first C-rank, so it's a big deal, and if we fail that's bad an'-" Deep breath in… "I really don't wanna mess this up!"

"Hey, take it easy, it's, like, my job to help you three," Hikaru soothed, "I'd say you probably want to pack a week's worth of clothes and rations. We'll be staying mostly in towns, so we'll have chances to wash clothes and buy food, but it's always best to be prepared for roughing it for a while. You'll want to pack for wet, but not cold. The land of Waves is rainy and marshy, but pretty tropical. Boots, not sandals, are a must. You do _not_ want wet feet in a marsh, unless you're some crazy mist ninja or something."

"Okay… But what about weapons?" Naruto scrunched up his face as he tried to think ahead, "If everything's wet and marshy, won't our kunai an' shuriken and stuff rust?"

"I suppose now's as good a time as any to cover marsh combat," the jonin decided. He reached up a sleeve and displayed a set of black senbon to the two genin. "Rather than the standard-issue blades, these are what you use in very wet places. Neither of you seem to prefer senbon needles, but I assume you've both got the basics?"

"I can hit a person most of the time, but vital points only if I'm lucky," Sakura admitted, "The academy covers them, but only in depth if you sign up for the special course. I was under the impression they were a specialist weapon, so I signed up for the international relations and information gathering electives instead."

"I woulda liked advanced weapons," Naruto added, "But Iruka-sensei made me take advanced chakra control, and uncle Jiraiya made me take sealing, so I didn't really get to choose my electives… But sealing turned out to be super useful and I guess I needed the extra practice with control. So boring, though. Sasuke took advanced weapons and advanced ninjutsu."

"But how are you with senbon?" Hikaru attempted to refocus the Uzumaki.

"Absolutely terrible!" Naruto accompanied his words with a cheek-splitting grin and thumbs-up. Elsewhere in Konoha, Might Gai and his apprentice sneezed in tandem. Someone, somewhere, was making a Youthful Pose. "Even after I got my goggles I only hit with kunai and single shuriken like half the time. Now that I can make shadow clones I mostly just have them spray and pray. I can at least get the bladed parts headed in the same direction as the throw, so I try to send enough at the enemy that some hit. But senbon are even harder to use. I can't even get the pointy ends in the targets."

"Uh, doesn't that get tiring?" What a waste of chakra! Something was going to have to be done.

"A little?" Naruto assumed his 'deep thoughts' expression. He thought it made him look profound. Everybody else thought it made him look confused, and maybe hungry. "I mean, it's better to not miss, right?"

"Ok then. In that case, I think we need to do a little training before we head out." Hikaru handed Sakura two packets of senbon. "The black ones have a moisture-resistant coating, so bring them on the mission. They won't rust. But use the regular steel ones for practice. Once the coating gets scratched by use, the blackened senbon are no different from the standard ones. Don't worry about breaking them too much, though. The reason we use senbon for this is that blackened shuriken and kunai are like ten times more expensive to replace. And Naruto, how would you feel about learning one of the second and third Hokages' signature ninjutsu?"

"Would I? You need to ask?! Wait," the boy's face lit up in comprehension, before falling slightly. "What's that got to do with weapons…?

"Because this jutsu is called the shuriken doppelganger jutsu. It makes shadow clones of shuriken. In mid-air. The second Hokage invented it to enhance his legendary Hairaishin teleportation jutsu, though the fourth Hokage, who also knew Hairaishin, couldn't use this jutsu effectively. The shuriken doppelganger jutsu is rather chakra-intensive, but far less so than generating a full shadow clone for each weapon thrown. The current Hokage mostly uses it to stretch his ammo further."

"Awesome…"

"It's a very difficult attack to dodge, and can hit entire squads or even platoons if they're close together. Plus, the smoke cloud from all those clones dispelling can be very useful. However, there's a few catches. The jutsu only does as much damage as a few of your weapons hitting the target. It can't duplicate explosive seals, because once the shuriken is damaged by exploding it dispels itself and the explosion. And, you need to cast it in between throwing your blade and it hitting something. You're gonna have to drill the hand signs as we travel until you're fast enough. The signs are Rat, Cross, Dog, Dragon, Dog, Cross."

"Yes, sir!" Naruto got to work immediately. He was definitely gonna get this down by the time they got to hostile territory! Never mind that there was zero expected opposition for this mission.

"I'll give you guys a few days to practice before we head out; this mission isn't exactly time-sensitive. In the meantime, I'm gonna go track down Sasuke. He's been getting too complacent with his genjutsu training lately. I think I'm gonna shift everything he sees six inches to the left and see how long it takes him to notice…"

* * *

 _Pokémon Cloning Experiment Notes: Day 471. This project has proven to be more of a challenge than any I have attempted since I perfected the Art of Eternal Youth. I couldn't be more pleased, even if the lack of progress is somewhat frustrating. I have attempted to use the eggs of every animal I know of, all the birds and reptiles of the land, with little success._

 _In fact, the only embryos produced came from the eggs of the platypus, a rather curious, egg-laying mammal native to the infrequent rivers of the Land of Wind. They were deformed, and did not develop past that stage, but this raises interesting questions. I have been treating this Pokémon as though it were a reptile; I may have been operating under a false assumption. If I attempt to clone it as though it were a mammal, perhaps I will see better results._

* * *

"Remind me again… Why are we wasting time up here, in the middle of nowhere, in the freezing cold, staring at a giant block of ice?!"

"Because we've had an unusually warm spring, which could mean an unusually warm summer, which could melt way more ice than usual, which could cause floods downstream, which could erode the mountains Kumogakure sits on, causing the entire village to fall off the mountains, which would kill all the ninja, which would-"

'Thwack!' "Stop overthinking things, damnit! That's not gonna happen! No way!"

"Cool your temper, Karui. Loud noises this high in the mountains could trigger an avalanche," The leader of the group of cloud ninja, a blonde woman who happened to be the only one of them not carrying a sword, maintained her measured pace, forcing her subordinates to rush to keep up. "Besides, in this case Omoi is mostly correct. Increased melting is… unlikely to destroy the village. However, it could flood farms downstream, destroying crops, driving up the prices of rice and wheat, and causing the people under our protection to go hungry. The Raikage and the daimyo are understandably worried."

"But why us? Isn't this a job for the cretins from R&D?" the younger, red-haired woman continued to complain, "What're skull-crackers like us gonna be able to learn from staring at this glacier? It's not like we can tie it to a chair and beat the intel from it."

"True. Brute force is not the answer here," The team leader paused to examine a crack in the mass of ice, and to run her hand along the dirt in front of it. A slight frown tugging at her mouth, she began walking again, rubbing her muddy thumb and index finger together in contemplation. "But the glacier may yield the knowledge we seek if we exercise cool patience."

"Uh, Karui? You do know that Ms. Samui used to work for R&D before she applied for jonin, right?" the only man in the group asked, "She specialized in evaluating how jutsu work in different climates. Ms. Samui is better qualified for this mission than anyone else in Kumo. I heard she even gets hired to teach classes at the daimyo's College of Philosophers sometimes."

"Uhhh, really? A-are you sure, Omoi?" Karui blushed the same color as her hair, vibrant enough to be visible under her dark brown skin, a feature only common in the Land of Lightning. "Crap."

"Omoi is correct. I was made an honorary professor three years ago," Samui confirmed in the same, even tone, "But I feel no need to inflate my own ego by bragging about my titles to everyone I meet. Hmmm." She paused, and turned examine a patch of ice that was much clearer than the rest. "Take a look at this. Deep in the ice. I think I see something in there."

"Huh?!" Omoi and Karui hurried over, the girl's fingers drumming on the hilt of her sword as she searched the depths of the glacier. "Yeah, I think I see something too! Several somethings! And one big something… Hey, I've got an idea!" Karui swept her backpack off and sunk her arm inside up to the shoulder, rummaging around with a pensive expression.

"That thing looks really big," Omoi observed, "What if it is big? Big and scary? And we accidentally let it out? And it goes on a rampage? And melts the glacier with its monster breath? And then we have to deal with a flood _and_ a giant monster?"

"Damnit, Omoi, I knew it was a mistake to let you watch Godzilla," Karui groaned, "That Wind Country shit'll rot your brains!"

"Godzilla was a great movie!" the boy insisted, "And it was based on filmstrips recovered from an archeological expedition, so it's educational too!"

"Worrywarts shouldn't watch monster movies," Karui disagreed, "And that movie was way too similar to the last time the Eight Tails got loose, when they sealed it into Lord Bee. You were out of the village then, so you wouldn't… Ah-hah!" The kunoichi halted in her rant as she pulled a bulky flashlight from the depths of her pack, and produced a blinding beam of light by plugging a finger crackling with lightning chakra into the back. "This oughtta make it easier to see what's in there!"

Karui eagerly pressed the light to the glacier and pumped electricity into the machine, adjusting the flow until it illuminated as much of the glacier as possible. Disappointingly, even the clearer ice broke up and refracted the flashlight beam, keeping the larger objects deep in the glacier obscured. However, some of the smaller objects closer to the edge were identifiable. If any of the Kumo ninja had the faintest idea what they were.

"They're… orbs," Omoi stated unhelpfully, "Black and white and yellow orbs. With 'U's on them. Or maybe they're balls! Or spheres? Marbles?"

"Screw the spheres!" Karui indicated the other objects easily visible, a large, purple bag, and a small, red square with a flat, black panel and several buttons on it. "That looks like electronics! Ancient electronics! The last time somebody found those we got color TV! And nobody's found ancient fabrics before! They could make new kinds of clothes!"

"Either way, it will be a long time before we know," Samui observed. To demonstrate, she scraped a kunai crackling with lightning chakra along the ice. Though the chakra-enhanced steel could have sundered solid rock with ease, it barely scratched the glassy surface. "This ice is far harder and cooler than the rest of the glacier. This is likely why it preserved the relics within for so long, but also why it will be difficult to extract them. I'll have to send off to my colleagues at the College and in Kumo R&D for a drilling team. We'll mark the location and continue with our primary mission."

"Aww, and just when things were getting interesting…"

"Hey, at least we'll get credit for the discovery if there turns out to be something useful in there. Unless Ms. Samui isn't really a scientist, and she kills us to take all the credit for herself, just like all the other explorers she's killed, and they'll never find the bodies until thousands of years later, when somebody unearths our ice block, and-" 'Smack!'

"Shut up, Omoi!"

* * *

 _Pokémon Cloning Experiment Notes; Day 520. Proven mammalian cloning techniques yielded fully formed cloned Pokémon, which Kabuto identified as physically identical to subject N's companion, if smaller and younger-looking. However, the infants emerged from the artificial womb stillborn. Data gathered during growth suggests that Pokémon fetuses require a great deal of energy to finish gestation as a living organism. I suspect that the creature's mother would provide such energy, but I am at a loss as to how to provide it to a clone._

 _After all, if I had a Pokémon to carry a clone to term, I wouldn't need to do any cloning. I could simply breed the creatures. Despite my frustration, I am unable to sign the order to steal the Pokémon belonging to subject N and subject U1 for my experiments. Every time I bring my pen close, I recall of my own early childhood, when my only companion in the Konoha orphanage was the garter snake that lived underneath my room._

 _It seems I am still more prone to sentimentality than I thought. It also seems that writing in this notebook for nearly two years with little data to record has caused me to treat it as a diary of sorts. An interesting psychological experiment and useful exercise in self-examination, but scant recompense for the time and resources spent on the cloning project. However, unless an opportunity to gather more data arises, these experiments have hit a dead end. I have my eye on some new samples that could be promising, but acquiring them will not be easy._

 _Perhaps if Pain were willing to assist me things would be different. The Rinnegan is, according to the old legends, capable of returning the dead to life. It might bring life to the potentially-living as well. However, this outcome is extremely unlikely. I suspect the man does not trust me. In hindsight, I wish I had given him reason to do so._

* * *

"Haku! It's… good to have you back. With just the three of us on duty, we've been stretched thin. As Hatake demonstrated, you can only cover so much with doppelgangers before you start slipping."

"It is good to be back, Zabuza-sensei. While I understand why my enforced vacation was necessary to ensure a swift recovery, I do not think that idleness suits me."

"So you've had no problems adjusting to the Sharingan?"

"Not many," the younger missing-ninja indicated his new eyepatch, "Lady Tsunade's skills are unequalled. But I have learned why Hatake always kept his eye covered. The chakra drain is not debilitating, even in combat situations, unless you use the eye to copy a technique or cast an illusion. But looking at half the world through a Sharingan and half through a normal eye is… unpleasant. The migraines would impair my skills."

"Well, we can't have that, can we?" Zabuza gave Haku a companionable clout across the back that sent the slight teen staggering, "Sit down, and I'll fill you in on what you've missed."

"A- Admin Zabuza!" One of the chunin brothers Zabuza had recruited when he left Kiri skidded into the room. Probably Gozu, but sometimes the twins switched clothes to mess with people's minds. Zabuza supposed that if he had an identical twin he might've tried that himself, so he couldn't hold it against them, even if it was annoying. "Another team from Konoha has entered the Land of Waves!"

"Damn. I didn't think they'd be so responsive! With Hatake's reputation, how the hell was he missed so soon?!" Zabuza ground his teeth together, hand twitching toward his trademark zanbato. "What's their mission?"

"As far as I can tell, routine courier duty. They've got a message for the daimyo, and as per the courier protocol, they aren't being subtle about it," Gozu reported, "But that's not the problem. They- I think they've got Pokémon!"

"That… shouldn't be possible," Haku puzzled, "The only Pokémon to survive the Warring Clans are in the boss' private preserve. I suppose it is possible that there were other holdouts. Or this could be one of those tricky genjutsu that forces the viewer to make it more realistic with their own memories…"

"But if it isn't, then they could know about the Team. They could know about the plan," Zabuza finished, already standing and strapping on his treasured sword. "You'll have to check for genjutsu first; that eye of yours will make it simple to tell if it's a trick. And if it isn't, we're gonna have to capture them, and find out how much Konoha knows. If we've been made… The boss isn't gonna be happy if he has to throw out the plan. If they're clueless, well… We already disappeared one team of treehuggers. Operations in Wave might need to be sacrificed, but we've got footholds elsewhere. Of course, as long as nobody finds the bodies… Konoha isn't the sort to order a hit without conclusive proof. Too attached to their nice reputation, especially with Danzo gone."

"Gozu, lead us to them. Zabuza-sensei and I will deal with them personally."

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

 _Pokemon Cloning Experiment Notes: Day 521. I showed Pain the results of my experiments, such as they are, and suggested that he attempt to give life to one of them with the Rinnegan. However, he was unable to do so. I hypothesize that the Rinnegan cannot give life to a stillborn, which was never truly alive, but without a Rinnegan of my own to experiment with I may never know. Pain did say he might be able to salvage the corpse to create one of his Rinnegan summons, so at least some productive results have come of these experiments._

* * *

"Hold up for a minute, guys!" Haruno Sakura turned toward the side of the road, where a worn dirt path extended into the woods.

"What is it?" Exuberant and curious as always, Naruto bounded over for a look. Sasuke followed at a more sedate pace. He was interested enough to investigate. Just not enough to show interest.

"I think there's an old shrine back here," the girl explained, already pushing into the trees, "It's our first mission, and I'm kinda nervous, even though nothing's gone wrong yet and the statistical probability of a first mission going horribly wrong is less than one percent and… It'll make me feel better, okay?"

"Ok! Then I'll pray too!" Naruto zoomed ahead on the path, apparently deciding that reaching the shrine was a race he needed to win.

"It's silly to feel nervous. If you are prepared for your mission you have no reason to be," Sasuke stated, his Uchiha masking expression firmly in place, "But failing to respect the gods is borrowing unnecessary trouble."

"Er…"

"Wow, you guys have to come and see this!" Sakura and Sasuke increased their pace a little, and soon emerged into a grassy clearing, the afternoon sun peeking through the canopy.

In the center of the clearing stood a worn, weathered shrine, still standing proud against the elements. A battered, verdigrisy Buddha sat with stately grace in the center of four mossy, sunken pillars evenly spaced in a circle around it. The roof those supports once held high had blown or rotted away long ago, leaving shrine and statue at the mercy of nature, but the venerable icon held fast against their onslaught.

It was, Sakura supposed, a poetically appropriate place for ninja to worship. Wind-scoured, rainswept, and overgrown, the Buddha clung to its dignity, grace, and ideals. Much as ninja, eroded by the relentless nature of their career, tried to maintain the same. So she paid homage to the ancient Buddha, and the Kami that doubtlessly called the shrine home. Beside her, her teammates did the same.

And though none of them could say why, they felt like someone had listened.

* * *

 **A.N. So. That happened.**

 **Come on, say it with me. You know you want to.**

 **"Gasp! Team Rocket! What're _you_ guys doing here?"**

 **Don't forget to P. M. me your OCs for the chunin exams! After this chapter, I probably would have forgotten about them too. Which, canny readers may have noticed, I haven't guaranteed Team Seven will survive to participate in…**

 **And as a bonus, Orochimaru and Team Samui make an appearance. Just in case somebody was wondering how the Akatsuki and Kumo subplots were developing.**


	12. A Test of Mettle

" _Every challenge along the way, with courage I will face…"_

* * *

 **A.N. Stoneificaunt, an OC based on your submission will be serving Sunagakure in the Chunin exams. Thanks, Stoneificaunt!**

 **If anyone else is interested, there's still plenty of space open in the chunin exams. And if I can't make enough OCs on my own or with help, I'm gonna have to start feeding Gaara canon characters to keep him happy… Think of the children, my readers! Do it for the children!**

 **Those of you who've been eagerly awaiting some epic battles are in luck! This entire chapter is one big fight!**

* * *

"Kami damn it!"

Zabuza made to crush the binoculars in his fist, but managed to control his temper enough to spare the delicate and expensive equipment. It was hard enough to find a competent lens grinder when they weren't ruining their products because the presence of a missing-nin was making their hands shake.

Instead, a potted plant went soaring off toward the horizon. The owner of the house whose roof the mist ninja were hiding on was not going to be happy about that. Not that he could do anything but replace the plant, but he wasn't going to be happy.

"What is it, sensei?" Haku rescued the binoculars and took a look through the right lens himself (the left met his eye patch), but couldn't see anything worth that response.

"There were maybe eight people in Kiri I could stand to be around by the time I left," the rogue jonin growled, "Counting you three. And down there is one of them. Fuji Hikaru. Last I saw him, though, he had black hair, a few more scars, and was filing low-security paperwork for the Fourth Mizukage. But if Konoha trusts him with a genin team, he was never loyal to Kirigakure. Figures he was feeding treehuggers information; he was too damn nice for hidden mist. We're gonna have to adjust our plans."

"So we aren't gonna kill him?" Gozu asked nervously, "Holding a jonin is a lot tougher than a couple o' genin…"

"Naw, we're still gonna kill him," confirmed the assassin, "I'm just not gonna enjoy it like I was hoping."

"Since you know him, do you have any tactical recommendations?" Haku laid a hand over a storage scroll holstered at his hip, "I think I could get one of them from here."

"Stealth approach won't work," Zabuza cautioned, waving his apprentice down, "He's a former mist ninja and a chakra sensor. He knows how our stealth jutsu work, and we won't be getting the drop on him without them."

"What about a chakra-less first strike? I've got that crossbow from Gato's warehouse," suggested Haku, "Even if he's a sensor, he won't see that coming easily."

"Hmh. Unlikely to hit him, and we've only got one shot. Crossbow takes too long to reload," analyzed the swordsman, "Try crippling one of the genin. I'm pretty sure I can take Hikaru one-on… two-on-one, so I want you all to concentrate on reducing the potential wild cards. Nothing does collateral damage and chaos like panicking genin you can't afford to kill."

* * *

The first signs of trouble Team Seven had were when a low, buzzing whine escorted a heavy bolt into Sasuke's right shoulder. The young Uchiha reflexively secured himself to the boardwalk with chakra, a strangled hiss escaping his throat, which turned out to be a serious mistake. Unable to release its momentum by throwing Sasuke to the ground, the bolt snapped his collarbone with a sharp 'crack!' That was enough to make him scream, but he still kept enough wits to pull Naruto down behind a street vendor's cart with a shouted "Get down!"

The civilians thronging the docks, no fools they, were already rapidly vanishing, the fleeing crowds briefly immobilizing Sakura and Hikaru, but screening them from their attackers. In theory. In practice, it also made them stationary targets.

Having seen such tactics before, during a mission in Iwa, Hikaru wasn't exactly surprised when a massive, orange-brown claw burst through the docks under his feet and tried to snap his ankles like twigs. Although, the melee attack was refreshingly less dangerous to the surrounding noncombatants than the wide-angle earth jutsu the stone ninja had used. The jonin evaded the clumsy strike with inches to spare, already drawing his chain whip from under his belt.

And a good thing too, because their attackers covered that avenue of escape with a barrage of kunai and senbon. If he hadn't had something in hand to deflect them, he might as well have stayed down there with the summon. Speaking of the summon, the claw turned out to be attached to an equally enormous, spiny crab that scaled the hole with an ungainly clatter and struck out with its other claw, this one smaller and thus arguably more dangerous. It wouldn't do as much damage as the big claw, but it moved far too fast to deal with in mid-air, while under fire.

The jonin felt his lower back light up with fiery spikes of pain as the crustacean backhanded him into a sprawl several yards away. Reacting on instinct to the shadow and murderous chakra above him, Hikaru threw himself to the side, free hand completing a substitution jutsu just in time for an empty barrel to be smashed into kindling instead of his… everything. If he got hit by that sword, it wouldn't matter how sharp it was. Momochi Zabuza. And a very large, very angry crab summon.

Sorry kids, Hikaru mentally apologized as he dragged himself to his feet and shook out his whip, I don't think I'll be able to help you until I deal with this guy… assuming I survive.

* * *

"Sasuke! Crap, crap! Uh, Hokori, Ha, keep us covered!" Naruto dug through his pouch for his medical scroll, producing it after some fumbling, "Damn it, jerk, I thought you were supposed to be too good to get cheap shotted!"

"Feels barbed," Sasuke gritted, hands twitching with the effort needed to keep from clasping his shoulder, and probably aggravating the wound, "Don't pull it out. Bleed twice as much."

"Damn. This is gonna suck, then," Naruto slipped the handle of a kunai between Sasuke's teeth, and cut the shaft off as close to the head as he could, before cutting away the Uchiha's sleeve and starting to wrap the injury as best he could. "This should hold, but try not to use this arm too much, okay? You could drive it deeper."

"Tell me something I don't know," the injured genin growled, forcing himself to his feet. He tried to move his right arm, but after a few inches grimaced and let it hang limp. He tore the awning off the stand they were sheltering behind, and used it to improvise a sling with one hand, using chakra to hold it still while he tied the knots. "Broken. Not the arm, maybe shoulder? I… think you're gonna have to take point this time, idiot."

'Thump!' Several boards under their feet dished upwards as something rammed the sturdy wood. Naruto's eyes flashed between the massive hole further out, the giant crab menacing their sensei, and the damage beneath their feet. Quickly coming to an alarming conclusion, he pulled a full-powered explosive tag from his pouch, slapped it on an empty ration tin that he figured might float, and shoved it through one of the new cracks in the floor. Trusting Jiraiya's gift to at least slow their attacker down, the jinchuriki wrapped his arm around Sasuke's uninjured side and bodily hauled him back to what would _hopefully_ be a safe distance. However, Naruto had never detonated an explosive tag underwater before. The loud noise was expected.

The humongous plume of water was not. Startled fish and water rained down around them, followed by a much larger, and meaner looking fish. This one had a round body, a cross-shaped scar on its chin, and a mouth of jagged fangs, all of which Naruto got a very good look at as it plummeted toward his face. Fortunately for him, the fish was propelled by gravity, rather than anything that would let it steer itself. The genin were able to duck out of the way, the evil-looking fish instead taking an effortless, daunting chunk out of the wood of the stall, before boring through the dock and to safety with another bite. "What the heck kind of fish was that?!"

"How should I know, idiot? I- Gah!" Now it was Sasuke's turn to save Naruto, as he yanked him out of the way of what looked like a wall of incoming senbon. The pair looked at each other, and then over to the intimidating, blank mask of their assailant, who already had another double handful of needles at the ready. Then a scream rent the air. "Sakura!"

* * *

"Lady Sakura! Oh, no! Hokori, you need to go help her!" Ha made a split second decision, gesturing with his nail, "Move it, you overgrown reptile!"

"But… That guy big bro's facing looks really strong! I gotta help him!" The dratini argued, "He'll get hurt! Or-or-"

"I'll stay and help," the ralts stated, "I know heal pulse," Mostly. He'd never used it in combat before, but he knew the theory and was _probably_ powerful enough to pull it off. He hoped. "So I'll be better with the injured people! But sensei's busy with the other jonin and the Kingler, and Sakura's all alone! You wanna leave her alone against Arceus knows what?!"

"O-oh! Right!" Hokori coiled himself and leaped from the roof, bounced off an awning to bleed off momentum, and saw Sakura being menaced by two (Two! Crap!) Guys, one with claws, and one a mudkip. Humans came with claws? No, not the time to think about it.

Hoping for a decisive first strike, the dragon charged a crackling ball of dragon rage on his tail, sending tingles up his body, and hurled it at the enemy human. Dragon rage worked a lot better against weak enemies, and against a genin (which he fervently hoped he was facing), one hit would be plenty. Jonin could take dozens of hits, but he wouldn't be hitting one of those so easily anyway.

The orb of energy hit square in the human's back, but he staggered without falling. Stronger than a usual genin, but not as awesome as a jonin. So, chunin maybe? Either way, not good. Except that Sakura, panting heavily and bleeding from a dozen or so minor wounds, took the opportunity to kick him between the legs with the strength of adrenalin-fueled desperation. Even chakra reinforcement and armor can only do so much against a hit in the right place. The enemy fell to his knees with a shocked whine, allowing Sakura to kick him again, in the head. He dropped like a rock.

"Brother!" A nigh-identical man jumped out of concealment, shock and concern in his eyes, and headed straight for Sakura. The mudkip, having barely reacted to its partner's abrupt defeat, blocked Hokori off when he tried to reinforce her. Well, at least the odds weren't two to one anymore, and he'd managed to keep Naruto and Sasuke from getting ambushed. Again.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ha explored his feelings. No, really. A ralts' power is linked to their emotions and the emotions around them, and specific feelings are tied to some moves. Heal pulse, a move that can restore the health and vitality of others, is tied to love, compassion, and empathy. Having spent most of his time with Sasuke and Naruto, though, the psychic was experiencing something of a shortage.

Determination, anger, hatred, loyalty, and embarrassment he had in abundance, great for offensive and defensive moves. But Sasuke really only cared about his close family, Naruto, and Ha himself, and Naruto for all his good intentions had a very small circle of friends and semi-family. And of happiness, the best, most universal psychic fuel? He got that from Hokori and Naruto. Sometimes. If he was lucky. Or Naruto managed to ramen himself into a food coma.

With Naruto, ramen could in fact be a verb. He made it work.

Ha thought he'd finally managed to pull a heal pulse together. More or less. He was at least certain it wouldn't make things worse. Most of his concentration on the flickering, hard-to-control technique, he turned toward Sasuke, and released a fuzzy wave of warm, purple energy. Halfway to its intended target, though, a slight, white and purple being floated out through the walls of a nearby house and blocked the healing move with its body! A ghost type. And not one Ha recognized.

The ralts didn't think he had enough positive feelings for another heal pulse, not that he could easily get one around the speedy ghost anyway. So it was time to fight. At a type disadvantage. Well, nobody ever said being a Sword of Justice (in training) was easy.

* * *

The executioner's blade seemed to cleave the air itself as Zabuza swung it in a wide arc, the bloodthirsty sword only arriving after Hikaru ducked by virtue of being a very slow weapon. It was obviously designed for power, not speed. Rather than standing again, or retreating (both sensible options when faced with one of the Seven Blades of Hidden Mist, especially the latter), the Konoha jonin skidded _closer_ on a cushion of chakra and swept one leg up in a move equal parts bastardized Strong Fist and Shark Dragon-style kung fu to catch Zabuza in the neck.

The rogue ninja was forced back exactly one step. Kicking him in the throat felt like hitting the massive, seal and steel reinforced basalt block Konoha's intelligence division used to backstop experimental jutsu tests. Zabuza's chakra reinforcement was insane! Also, his crab summon was aiming for a cheap shot. But, kingler can't learn sucker punch.

Hikaru leaped to his feet and whirled around. The whip in his right hand slashed into the incoming crabhammer with an explosive 'hisssss-Crack!' accompanying a burst of purple light that knocked the heavy blow wide. His off hand sent a volley of dark senbon toward Zabuza's vital points, which ordinarily wouldn't be a problem for the mist ninja. But, Zabuza was off balance from his missed attack and the throat kick. He couldn't just shelter behind kubikiribocho, because he didn't have enough time to recover his stance. Wielding such a large weapon wasn't all upside. The assassin was forced into an undignified scramble for cover.

With Zabuza very temporarily out of the fight, the Konoha jonin engaged the summon, ducking and weaving around a few swipes with the lighter claw to slam home a vicious, close range taijutsu combo that briefly staggered the hefty Pokémon. The kingler fired back with a second crabhammer, instinctively falling back on its strongest move, but by the time he chambered the mighty blow, Hikaru was already most of the way through a sealless body flicker that gained him distance in a burst of pink smoke. Even as he landed, the jonin's hands were already flashing through hand signs, his whip stashed on a nearby shipping crate.

Most people, when confronted with a superior opponent, in numbers or raw power, will fight defensively. If you can't afford to take many hits, it's logical and instinctive to focus on defending yourself. It will also get you killed.

Hikaru was confident in his skills, but he was fully aware that he was pretty average as far as combat-focused jonin are concerned. His high A rank came from the fact that he was an excellent infiltrator who also had solid combat skills, a rare combination. Most powerful warriors aren't great at subtle, and most tricky, sneaky types suffer when forced into a direct confrontation.

Zabuza, in contrast, was widely known to have combat skills on par with the best in the world, paired with matchless stealth. The only reason the man wasn't an S-ranked ninja was that he'd never bothered to polish his other support skills beyond the basics. If Zabuza went on the offensive, Hikaru simply could not stand against him for long. However, Zabuza also had a key weakness, one his opponent was all too happy to exploit.

Zabuza liked challenging fights. He liked them so much, in fact, that whenever he was given half a chance he'd delegate battles he knew he could win to his subordinates, as training opportunities and because they weren't worth his time. Valid arguments, but they also meant that Zabuza had very little experience countering the best tactics for taking on a superior opponent.

Hikaru, who'd survived encounters with Rasa, then jonin of Suna and now Kazekage, and Kitsuchi, jonin-commander of Iwagakure, was intimately familiar with how to deal with being outclassed. As long as he wasn't so overpowered, outnumbered, and outsped that he couldn't even try to fight back, which he wasn't, there were a few things he could do.

The most important thing to remember was keep attacking. All the strength in the world is useless if you're busy keeping the other guy from killing you. If you'll inevitably be outpowered, attack early, attack often, and keep attacking. If you can keep them off balance and on the defensive, you'll often win before your foes can get their act together.

Of course, Hikaru hadn't thought of all this on the spot. As he battled Zabuza, his thoughts were much closer to 'Holy Arceus I'm gonna die kill them first attack attack attack!' than a sophisticated deconstruction of his own combat philosophy.

Even as Zabuza and his summon tried to pull themselves together, Hikaru was already attacking again. Never give a superior foe time to recover. Finishing his signs, the leaf ninja spat a massive ball of roiling, orange-white fire wreathed in dark red flames which vaguely resembled the head of the mythical dragon that was said to have inspired his favorite kung fu style.

Master of water or not, water type or not, a furious, infernal garchomp head aimed for your face demands respect. Unable to dodge in time, Zabuza sheltered behind his sword, the fire jutsu heating the blade to a dull glow and raising blisters along the mist ninja's arms and shoulders. His kingler, even less protected from the blast despite his type advantage, was blown backwards with a dismayed, bubbling rattle, leaving a sizable hole in the warehouse behind it. Any normal sword would have been wrecked by the heat, its temper ruined forever. The legendary kubikiribocho kept its temper and its edge, but the creaks that emanated from it as it started to cool showed that it wasn't exactly happy about the situation either.

Not that Zabuza was feeling much better. Those burns hurt like hell, and were going to slow him down. He wasn't sure he could afford that anymore, because when the hell did Hikaru the desk jockey get this _good_? Back in Kiri he could barely manage a few fire bullets and now he can throw a freaking _Dragon Head Bomb_ and keep fighting?!

If he'd been thinking clearly, Zabuza would have realized what Hikaru knew, that the jonin from leaf was burning chakra as fast as he could just to match his opponent's physical skills. Fortunately for Hikaru, on fire and in melee is not the best place to be strategizing, and as Zabuza blocked another chain whip strike backed with a pulse of purple energy, critical thinking was the last thing on his mind. He was more concerned with swearing as the blade of chakra (Was that yin chakra? How the hell was he using that for physical attacks?) gouged a furrow in kubikiribocho's fire-weakened steel.

Arms feeling like they were still burning, Zabuza tried to go on the offensive, but his agile opponent danced around each cut, his return strikes carving bloody lines into the mist ninja's body. It seemed that most of Zabuza's speed wasn't enough to tag Hikaru. Ninjutsu might work better, but Zabuza needed both hands for his sword, and he couldn't move fast enough to disengage. Sounds from the damaged warehouse told him his partner wasn't incapacitated, but he couldn't help until he cleared enough of the debris to squeeze out.

Then Zabuza had an idea. Kubikiribocho, for all its mass, doesn't have an especially large danger zone for any given attack. It might be big, and long, but the edge itself is thin. Thanks to the constraints of its size and shape, there are a very limited number of ways to swing it at somebody. Ordinarily, this isn't much of a problem. Unless he was fighting samurai or cloud ninja, Zabuza didn't need a lot of kenjutsu finesse. But Hikaru knew what he was doing, and Zabuza wasn't able to fight at full speed at the moment. As long as he used it as a sword, he'd never land a telling blow. So what would happen if he struck with the extremely wide flat of his sword? It wouldn't do as much damage, but it'd be a lot harder to dodge.

This time, as he brought kubikiribocho around in a sweeping arc, he adjusted his grip slightly, presenting two feet of battle-scarred steel instead of three inches of edge. Hikaru, eyes wide, leaped for the safety distance would afford. But kubikiribocho is eight feet long when fully assembled, and Hikaru wasn't _that_ fast.

Zabuza ended his swing with his legendary sword resting awkwardly on the ground, his burns making its usual resting place on his shoulder unpalatable. Hikaru ended crumpled against a nearby wall, nursing what looked to the mist ninja like a nasty compound fracture. Funny thing was, Zabuza could have sworn he heard his opponent scream in pain as kubikiribocho hit him, but Hikaru's mouth hadn't so much as twitched. Maybe he had some Yamanaka in his family tree… That would explain the yin release. Yamanaka were good at blurring the line between physical and mental techniques.

* * *

While Zabuza theorized on the pedigree of his old frenemy, a psychic pulse of emotion _painfeardespair_ washed over the land of waves, if anyone _despairfailedthem_ was listening to pick it up. No humans did; the human psychics of the Yamanaka clan were all an ocean away. A psychic Pokémon could hear it. Ha might have perceived it, in _gonnadieallgonnadie_ theory. In practice, a ralts' psychic sensitivity isn't all that impressive, and what little his horns did pick up was _failedthemlost_ suppressed by his subconscious to protect him from the ravages of power in excess of what he was capable of withstanding.

The few Team Rocket operatives on the island with psychic partners, and there were only a few as psychic types are hard to raise and the Team had only managed to save a breeding population of drowzee and bronzor anyway, did notice. If only because their partners twitched, seized up, and fainted under _lostkilledfaileddobetter_ the raw, unbridled despair, shot through with self-flagellation and fear-for-friends. When they awoke, they would remember little of what they had experienced. The drowzee that did remember a bit likened the experience to getting run down by a cargo ship at night; big, dark, and impossible to stop.

Deep in the forests outside the Land of Waves' only city, something else picked up the cry. It heard. It heard the call of a mentor and protector, des _despair_ pairing that his power had proved insufficient against the perils he must prepare his charges to face. It also heard the silence of the grove it rested in, broken only by the song of a bird perched on the shrine above it. It listened, and it remembered.

It remembered the days before Gato came, when children played in the grove, climbed over its slumbering body, learned their lessons at its feet. Now they sat in schools, and though they learned many of the same things, their thoughts were of profit, and power. The adults and parents who prayed and taught at shrine, the aging priest who tended to the ancient Buddha that sat on its back, they now worked the docks and factories day in and day out. By the night, they had no time, no energy to return to the shrine, or even the wilds.

The priest had died seasons ago, before Gato came, and the being under the shrine felt that was for the best, even if it missed the company. He wouldn't have wanted to see what had become of their home. It had no problem with industry, quite the opposite in fact, but Gato's mind was money. Money and power. So that was what he passed on to those who followed him. With his strength of personality and political experience, that was a lot of people. Charisma, money, and power are very appealing.

The being knew its opinions were old-fashioned, even by the standards of the society it was born in. So what? It was nearly three thousand years old; it was fully entitled to a rosy view of the past. But it was of the opinion that there was more to wealth than money. Gato couldn't see that, and he was driving the Land of Waves to ruin.

However, Gato was also giving the people of Wave what they wanted. Wealth, more advanced technology, luxury goods they didn't _need_ but most certainly _wanted_ , political power the tiny country hadn't had in over two thousand years… Gato promised, and he delivered. All for the low, low price of everything good about the previous society.

But it was what they wanted. And so, whatever its philosophical disagreements, the being under the shrine held its peace. Unless Gato became truly oppressive, and in the sanctum of its thoughts, the being thought it was more like until, the being would not act. Freedom of choice is the right of all sentient beings, even those as… limited as humans.

That psychic cry changed things, gave it a reason to act. It didn't recognize the voice, but that there was a voice at all was the point. The being had resigned itself to a largely solitary, meditative life centuries ago, as the last remnant of a long-dead era. If that cry emanated from anything but a human, though, then perhaps its past wasn't as dead as it had believed.

Even if it was a human, now that it was awake, the being felt inclined to act. Reading the psychic signature of the mind behind the burst of emotions, it felt sure that whoever had produced it was pure of heart and positive of intent, at least as much as living creatures could manage. They were someone worth saving, maybe even a Chosen. The world always desperately needed more of those.

Besides, the being had been lazing around here for longer than recorded human history. Mourning had its place, but the people it mourned had been bones and dust for millennia. Stretching the old plates and doing something heroic again would feel good.

Thus resolved, the shrine trembled, and it creaked. The dirt and moss of two thousand years sloughed off its form. And the shrine stood, and it began to move, and the earth shook with the weight of ages gone, but not quite forgotten.

TOOM!

TOOM!

TOOM!

TOOM!

* * *

Ha was not having a good day. The ralts usually enjoyed a challenging fight, to test his skills against a superior foe and (so far, at least) come out on top. The ghost type, apparently a 'froslass' (whatever that was), thankfully didn't seem know shadow ball or phantom force. At least, it hadn't used either on him. Maybe it thought he could evade targeted attacks too easily.

But it did have ominous and icy wind. Which it mixed together. And even though he could teleport, an amorphous wall of icy sleet and ghostly fumes was rather hard to dodge. He'd already taken a hit, and didn't think he could handle another.

Worse still, the ghost coordinated excellently with its human partner, soon switching off so the human could pepper him with needles almost faster than he could see while the ghost wore down Naruto and Sasuke with attacks they couldn't dodge. Ha was pretty sure this was what they were doing, but he couldn't be sure, because his opponents had figured out that in unfamiliar places like this his teleportation was strictly line-of-sight. If he couldn't see Sasuke, he couldn't teleport to him because he might materialize inside a solid object, which would kill the ralts instantly.

Also, in addition to the icy ominous wind and a few fairy attacks from the one time he got close to the ghost, he'd taken a few needles. Only three, while by the sounds and emotions he was picking up Sasuke and Naruto had taken dozens apiece. But they also both had over a hundred pounds on him. Those things were a serious threat to his life! The only reason he was still alive is that teleporters are very hard to hit, even if you're ludicrously fast or have wide area attacks.

He was tiring, though, and losing blood. He didn't have a whole lot to lose, and things were getting bad. At this point, he was pretty much reduced to frantically dodging attacks, and hoping for a lucky nail hit on the hu- human!

Panting for breath, his limbs feeling like lead, Ha threw himself under a sweeping punch, the human's knuckles studded with senbon. That was actually encouraging. When the fight started, the human would barrage him from multiple angles using dozens of thrown needles and extremely fast movements. Now he rarely threw, and got much closer, without the speed jutsu. Maybe he was getting tired too, or just running low on ammunition. But for whatever reason, he was getting closer and moving slower.

Opportunity. Time to do something brilliant. Or stupid, depending on how well it worked.

Rather than backing off or trying to stab the enemy ninja's foot again, Ha jumped up, latched onto his loose pants, and started climbing, using his nail and a senbon as climbing spikes. The human was clearly not happy about this turn of events, as he (she?) yelled and did a frantic little dance, trying to dislodge him. But the needle caught in the ninja's thigh, giving Ha enough purchase to stab his nail into the other side of the thick muscle, and he held on with grim determination.

"Gah, get off! Get- Ow! Son of a-" the ninja reached down for Ha, radiating surprise, and the plucky psychic yanked his borrowed needle out and thrust it deep into the human's hand. But the rogue ninja kept coming, and wrapped a hand around Ha's body, pulling him and his nail up to eye level. So naturally Ha tried a thrust to the eye that made the human flinch back. The human's mask held up against the thick, iron point, but he loosened his grip enough for Ha to grab the nail with both hands and stab down at the hand that trapped him with both hands for maximum power. Apparently acting on reflex, the human flung Ha away. But his nail stayed stuck in the human's wrist.

Not thrilled about being unarmed, Ha picked up one of the senbon littering the area as he rolled to his feet. Weapon, good. But the nail. He had to get his sword back. What kind of Sword of Justice loses their sword?! Plus, the needle didn't have an edge, only a point, and no grip. The nail was clearly superior.

Then the enemy ninja yanked the nail out of his bleeding wrist, and held the sharpened shard of metal up to his eyes, head swiveling between it and Ha. The psychic breathed a discreet sigh of relief as the human's grip shifted. He was an honorable enemy, after all. Since Ha had survived that truly hair-brained attack, he wasn't trying to kill them. Surely an honorable enemy would return the sword of-

The ninja, mild irritation suffusing his emotions, grasped the nail in both hands. And he snapped it. He snapped the nail.

 _He snapped the nail._

Apparently and strangely ignorant of the magnitude of his sins, because the guy (girl? It was hard to tell under that mask) seemed otherwise rather perceptive, the human tossed the broken (He snapped the nail.) nail to the side and drew more senbon from his belt.

But these senbon abruptly glowed purple, wrenched themselves from the _bastard's_ hands and buried themselves in _his_ side. Because Ha, as something filled him with warmth and strength and a strange-feeling state of clear, crystalline thoughts, suddenly wasn't nearly as tired as he'd thought he was. And the enemy wasn't looking as intimidating either; he looked smaller and less sure of himself, and his emotional control seemed to have slipped. Before, all Ha could get from his opponent was really strong emotions like anger and resolve, but now he was seeing a full spectrum. That could only be a good thing. When enemies lose control of their emotions and you do not, he remembered the gallade that taught him the basics of the sword saying, they will soon lose control of the battle as well.

As Sasuke would say if he was a bit less up-tight, it's vengeance time. _You snapped my sword. I'm going to snap you._

"What the- You can talk?!" If _Ha_ had been thinking more clearly, what the masked ninja said might have raised some questions. However, he was steaming mad and riding the high from an incredibly awesome-feeling second wind.

 _I'll start with some bones._

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was feeling rather discombobulated. He wasn't panicking, though, because Uchiha don't panic.

Even though he was all the way over _here_ , and his body was all the way over _there_ , it was still breathing so there was no way he was dead. Even if the movement was so slight it took the Sharingan to pick it up. He wasn't dead. He wasn't.

Except Naruto could only see the Sasuke over there, the one that he apparently wasn't in anymore. Why had he stepped in front of that jutsu again?

Oh, right, because he was already injured pretty badly, and if Naruto was disabled they had no hope of winning. And Sasuke'd taken far fewer hits from their human opponent. The masked guy was really fast, faster than either of them, but he couldn't move too fast for the Sharingan. No one could move too fast for the Sharingan to see them. And if Sasuke could see the senbon incoming, he could at least move so that he'd only take glancing blows. Naruto couldn't follow their opponent's movements, though, so he'd taken lots more hits.

When the masked ninja switched out with his ice spirit summon, and it shot a giant ball of purple chakra at Naruto, there was only one choice Sasuke could make. He couldn't pull Naruto out of the way in time, or try to block the attack with a jutsu. It takes far more skill than Sasuke had to use jutsu one-handed, and far more strength to drag around somebody with thirty pounds on you.

If Naruto was taken out, they would lose. Sasuke couldn't fight either of the enemies engaging them alone, with only one arm. The only tactically sound decision was to protect Naruto, and the only way he could block the attack was with his own body. Not that he was trying to lay down his life for the idiot; Sasuke quite sensibly intercepted the blast with a leg, and made sure his torso wasn't in the line of fire. Limb wounds are much easier to repair than organ damage, of course.

He wasn't expecting a glancing blow to eject his _soul from his body_! What kind of technique does that?! It shouldn't be possible! Assuming this wasn't a genjutsu, which his active Sharingan would seem to argue against. If it could've just done this the whole time, why hadn't it before?

Although, now that Sasuke thought about it, when the attack hit he'd felt a sensation of stretching, like he was pushing back against a heavy weight. Maybe the soul separation effect only worked on weakened, wounded people. That would explain why it hadn't used this jutsu before.

Sasuke decided to go back over to his body; even if Naruto couldn't see him, maybe he could get back in and regain control. But when he tried to take a step, his feet passed through the dock, and he just sort of flailed around in place! Crap!

How could he get back to his body without a physical form to move with?!

* * *

"S-Sasuke!" Momentarily forgetting the presence of an enemy, Naruto slid onto his knees next to his friend's unresponsive form. He'd got hit by a jutsu that woulda hit Naruto except he jumped in the way and why would he do that? Naruto wasn't worth that! It was supposed to be the other way around! He was supposed to protect his friends!

Naruto frantically listened for Sasuke's breath. Nothing. He checked his pulse, running frantic fingers over the other boy's neck. Nothing. Completely consumed with thoughts of his friend, Naruto steeled himself to begin rescue breathing.

Having conveniently made himself a stationary target, he was struck by another inky ball of energy in the back.

"Kami damn it, you idiot!" Naruto couldn't hear Sasuke, but the Uchiha couldn't help but explode at the sight. Actually, the fact that he couldn't be heard was kind of liberating. No matter what he said, it wouldn't get back to his mother. "I didn't sacrifice my damn soul so you could get hit by the same attack! Aaarggh!" He flailed impotently at the ground some more, which did absolutely nothing.

Naruto never felt a physical impact. Instead, he felt this strange and terrifying sucking, tearing sensation, accompanied by a flash of red and a deep, chilling cackle that flickered behind his eyes and ears. Instinctively, the Uzumaki pulled back with all his might and willpower, even as his vision narrowed to a dark tunnel. For a single, horrible moment, he thought he might not make it, but then he fell back to himself with an unpleasant but welcome jolt.

Uzumaki Naruto's mind, and approximately a third of his soul, left his body for less than a second. That was six sixteenths of a second longer than the nine-tailed demon fox needed. Naruto returned to a burning, red-tinged consciousness, as frothy, crimson chakra bubbled up from his pores and a single thought bounced around his head.

That thing had killed Sasuke. That thing killed one of Naruto's friends.

" **Rrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"**

* * *

There are some techniques that should never be used on jinchuriki. Chief among those are techniques that weaken the mind or spirit. Like most of the strongest seals, the seals that trap biju inside their living prisons are dependent in part upon the willpower of the container. Ghost attacks, which directly assault the spirit of the target, bypassing all physical and mental defenses, are near the top of the list of things to never, ever use on a demon host.

The land of waves in general, and Yuki the froslass in particular, were very lucky that day. Naruto, alone of all the jinchuriki to ever exist, had built up a hefty resistance to ghost type attacks from over a decade of exposure to Giratina's spectral aura. He still had plenty of strength, far too much for the effects Sasuke experienced to work on him. Uzumaki are naturally resistant to pretty much everything harmful in existence. Uzumaki chosen to bear the nine-tailed fox, like Uzumaki Kushina, are selected for their resilience, a trait Kushina passed on to her son.

It could have been much, much worse.

* * *

"Remind me again why those mist losers are still alive, willya? Shouldn't you be goin' all god-ghost wrath dattebane?!"

" **Arceus. One instance of my released aura in the area around the land of fire is an anomaly. Twice is a pattern. If I use any attacks, he will know."**

"Crap! So then what can we do?!"

" **Nothing."**

"And you're just okay with this dattebane?"

" **What do you** _ **think?**_ **"**

"Actually, I think there is something Kushina or I can do," Namikaze Minato concentrated, and his appearance wavered like the reflection in a soap bubble, before his comfortable clothes were abruptly replaced with Konoha's standard jonin uniform and his signature coat. "That Sasuke kid is a spirit right now. He's dead."

" **He isn't."**

"What? But…" Minato was confused now. "When you hit me with a ghost move, I died."

" **You were already dead. Your body could not sustain you any longer. I prevented you from passing on to the Pure World. Or in your case, eternal servitude to Darkrai. The Uchiha is wounded, but not fatally. If he returns to his body within the next few hours he will live."**

"Then, couldn't one of us help him get there?"

"That would make the situation less bad," Kushina observed, "So go get 'em, blondie! I bet he'll trust the great an' mighty Fourth Hokage over some random, crazy, dead lady."

" **I am aware that forced inaction has worn upon you, Namikaze Minato. Go and aid your son and his friends. Be wary of the dark type, and you should have no trouble succeeding."**

"Dark type?"

" **The fish. It can harm you, even in this state. But you can harm it."**

"Huh."

* * *

Mudkip used water gun.

It did almost nothing to affect Hokori.

Hokori used dragon rage.

Mudkip lost 75% of his HP.

Mudkip used mud-slap.

It did almost nothing to affect Hokori.

Hokori used shock wave.

It's super effective!

Mudkip blasted off! He cleared the docks!

"Well, that was way easier than I expected."

* * *

Most people would look at Team Seven, even the entire graduating class of that year, and immediately pick out Haruno Sakura as a very, if not the weakest link. She's tiny, with no muscle definition. She diets unhealthily, and puts effort into her appearance that could go into training. She has pink hair. She has no ninja relatives at all; her family is full of merchants and bankers. She spends all her time with her nose in a book, time she could also be spending training. She's loud, obnoxious, bratty, and obsessed with Uchiha Sasuke. She masks crippling insecurities about her appearance and personality by acting out. Definitely within the standard deviation for a pathetic civilian, but probably fatal for a combat-duty ninja, especially one on a high-risk combat team like Team Seven.

This hypothetical and strangely well-informed observer would have overlooked a few key details. Also, the Konoha Military Police would have invited him or her in for a chat about stalking little girls years ago, but since the observer is hypothetical they couldn't do that.

The most telling thing they overlooked is that of the hundred students to graduate the Konoha Ninja Academy that year, only nine were flagged as possible future jonin. Seven of them were clan heirs, the end products of long-term if primitive eugenics programs on behalf of their families to breed the perfect ninja: Sasuke, Kiba, Ino, Shikamaru, Shino, Chouji, and Hinata.

The eighth, Uzumaki Naruto, might not be a clan heir, but the Uzumaki bred for power and skill just as long as any clan, and adding the Fourth Hokage's genes to the mix certainly didn't hurt. Naruto's problems had little to do with his potential.

Haruno Sakura is the daughter of merchants, granddaughter of bankers and bureaucrats. None of her ancestors were ever ninja; she is the first of her family to do anything more violent than repossess collateral since a young gym leader named Brock managed to get his ass kicked by every single pink-haired medical professional in the entire Hoenn region two thousand years ago. Which, for the record, was most of the doctors and nurses on the continent at the time.

Haruno Sakura was the top female student in her class, almost the top student. Only Sasuke and Shino scored higher. Not Hinata and Ino, the genetically engineered, trained from the cradle super-soldiers. Haruno Sakura was the top girl in her class. Practicals are weighted far more heavily than pure academics in ninja school.

Sakura learned early on that she wasn't as fast or strong as her competition for the top. Furthermore, she would have to work five times as hard as them for half the results they got from their training. No matter how far she pushed her body, the cold, hard truth was that Ino and Hinata could and did train just as hard as she did. And they were rewarded a lot more for it.

So Sakura did what any good ninja does when they are utterly, hilariously outmatched. She cheated.

It didn't hurt her chances for surviving her first combat mission that Gozu, the missing-ninja chunin from Kiri, had never actually tried to take somebody alive before. He kept having to hesitate, pull punches or alter the angles of his strikes, so he didn't break something his target needed or accidentally poison her or something. Sakura may not have noticed this during her brief fight with his brother, but when Hokori gave her an opening and some breathing room, her brain had the chance to reboot. Surprise is a limited and rather transient advantage, after all.

She knew Gozu had enormous advantages in size, speed, strength, and experience. She noticed how much trouble he had with keeping things nonlethal. She realized he was trying to capture her; she also realized he had only the vaguest idea of how much force was needed to subdue somebody without killing them.

Sakura is a very good ninja who is completely outmatched. So she cheated.

The missing-nin is worried about hurting her too much? Sakura hammed it up like a Stone Country football star. She flinched and cried out when he hit her. She flung herself backwards when struck, so it looked like even light blows could send her reeling. She deliberately let the sharp edges on his gauntlet graze her skin (carefully staying clear of the bladed fingertips, which were stained dark with poison). Suddenly, he was punching like he was trying to hit an antique vase without scratching it.

Sakura could have held out like this for at least another ten minutes, she was sure. But Naruto and Sasuke could be in trouble; if the enemy sent a chunin to sit on her, they probably sent worse after the hard targets. She couldn't count on a rescue, and the boys might actually need _her_ to rescue _them_. So once the chunin was good and hesitant, Sakura struck.

Sakura's chakra reserves, compared to her year-mates in the jonin track, are unimpressive at best. Compared to Naruto or even Sasuke, they might as well not exist. Compared to her, the boys' chakra control might as well be an elephant in a glass-blower's shop. Blasts of fire and wind might never be a useful part of her abilities; those take a lot of power.

Popping the seams on her blatantly impractical, flimsy, civilian dress at just the right moment for the sea wind to sweep a swathe of fabric across a missing-nin's head? Easy-peasy.

Gozu clawed the obstruction from his face just in time to see a steel-wreathed fist centimeters from his left temple. The old, subtle knuckledusters from Sakura's academy days? Long gone.

Back when she needed to hide how 'weak civilian Sakura' was dropping Inuzuka Kiba and Akimichi Chouji with just a few punches, she'd picked her steel knuckles for easy palmability and concealment. The perfect student certainly couldn't be _caught_ sneaking weapons into taijutsu practice. As long as she wasn't caught… They were ninja, after all.

Now that Iruka-sensei's watchful eyes were no longer a concern and the D-rank mission income was coming in, Sakura did exactly what anyone who knew her would expect her to do. She went on a shopping spree.

Her old steel knuckles added weight to her punches, and poked a few blunt prongs up between her fingers for a little extra power.

Her new trench spikes covered her knuckles with studded, steel bars and tapered down to a pair of wicked points. And once Gozu went down, Sakura wasn't the sort to let him get back up out of some sense of honor, or start monologuing about how he should bow to the power of friendship and ramen.

She jumped onto his chest, applying a knee to his sternum on her way down, and kept pounding on his face until he stopped trying to get up again. Then she hit him a few more times for insurance.

Completely heedless of the fact that she was only wearing a pair of stretchy, spandex shorts, a training bra, several weapon pouches, and the blood of her enemies (Well, some of it was hers, but most of it wasn't. Gozu's nose turned out to be quite a squirter when she hit it a few times.), Sakura ran for where she last saw her teammates. Damn it, boys, don't you dare die or get captured or I'll kick your asses, see if I don't. Shannarooo!

She wasn't too distracted to slam her shin into Meizu's face on her way past, though, sending the recovering Rocket agent back to dreamland.

* * *

The first time the scarred fish leaped from the water to attack him, Sasuke dismissed it as a threat. Everything else had passed through him; nobody could see him. He ignored the creature in favor of trying to get back to his body so he could follow the holes left by Naruto as he chased after their sometimes-intangible adversary. He couldn't let the fox demon take over his friend! The Sharingan might be able to help Naruto get back in control, if he could just take a few steps!

When the fish's vicious jaws took a bloody chunk out of Sasuke's side, he started paying attention. There wasn't much he could do to defend himself, as he couldn't sidestep the attacks. However, by strategically sacrificing his kunai and shuriken, hoping that if (when! When!) he returned to his body the physical versions would still be there, he had been able to prevent serious harm. Still, he was running low on things to shove in the fish's jaws, and apparently concentrating really hard on having more knives or some armor didn't work. That was disappointing.

Palming his last two shuriken, Sasuke tracked the fish on its trajectory towards his face. Two more deflections, and then he'd have to start sacrificing fingers. Gulp. Then, almost faster than even his Sharingan could follow, the fish's tail was caught fast in a gloved fist.

"Nope," Sasuke's gaze traced up his new (potential) ally's arm, over a white coat, Konoha flak jacket, up to a face he'd only seen in the history books. And on the side of the mountains overlooking his home. "Still nope," Namikaze Minato, the fourth Hokage, informed the fish as it tried to twist around to bite his hand. Before it could find a way to free itself, Minato wound up and hurled the fish over the docks, where it disappeared into the trees lining the shore. "There. Take it a while to flop back into the water and get back to us."

Sasuke almost accused the man of being an imposter. After all, the fourth Hokage simply could not be here. But no disguise technique could fool the Sharingan. Not that well. "Are- Aren't you dead?" he finally settled for.

"Yep," the older man confirmed cheerily, "Been dead for a while."

"So then… how the heck are you here?!"

"I'm a ghost," the 'duh' went unspoken, but Sasuke picked it up. Whether or not it was intended, it was what he heard. "And as for the why… Well, why are any of us here, really?" He sighed, "I'm a ninja, kid, not a philosopher. That was always more Sarutobi's thing."

"But why?"

"Well, Naruto keeps saying he's gonna be Hokage, and in my entirely unbiased opinion, he's got a decent chance of pulling it off," Minato was totally biased, but he couldn't let Sasuke know that. Iwa would still be perfectly happy to declare war over the son of the Yellow Flash, no matter the consequences, as long as Naruto died. "Since a restful afterlife doesn't seem to be in the cards, for me anyway, I've been, well, sort of haunting him. I think he might have some Namikaze in him; there's gotta be a reason I have to stick around." There was, but again, Sasuke didn't need to know.

"Wait, you said _you're_ dead, not we're dead," noted the Uchiha, "Does that mean…?"

"Still alive, kid, for now at least," confirmed the former Hokage, "All I need to do is shove you back in your body and you should be fine. Even if I'm dead, it's kinda my job to help you where I can. And Naruto needs you."

"But, what can I do? I… don't really have any idea how clan head Madara controlled the Nine-Tailed Fox. I was just planning to wing it and hope for the best…"

"Hm. Well, how's your sealing? If you've got the basics, I could show you something that'll help Naruto suppress the fox long enough to get total control back. You'll just have to copy it once we get you back to your body."

"…Yes, please."

* * *

Coming down from his massive adrenalin rush and rage high, Ha had to admit that even with the power boost he had (presumably from righteous fury) Haku was still a pretty tough opponent.

Ha could feel the missing-nin's aggression as he started to attack, but was still barely fast enough to deal with the attacks. Less of an apparent size difference (the guy must have been using a genjutsu to make himself look tougher, the pansy) didn't mean that Haku's arms being as long as Ha's entire body wasn't a big advantage. After Ha turned his opponent's weapons against him with a confusion, Haku started using ice needles he could instantly melt if Ha tried to stab him with them. And Ha didn't have a weapon anymore (That bastard is dead! Dead!).

Still, the psychic was pretty sure Haku was tiring faster than he was. The explosions coming from off to the left meant Naruto and Sasuke were still in the fight against the froslass. He hadn't heard Sakura scream again, so she was probably still kicking too. All in all, not a bad situation.

Then, the froslass came through the wall, looking like it'd just gone a few rounds with a pack of houndoom. It was covered in burns and cracks in its white, icy armor. Dark red energy crackled over several of the wounds, evidently causing intense pain, and the ghost bobbed far lower than it had when Ha fought it, like it was barely able to lift itself. "I'm sorry, sensei," the ice type gasped, "I couldn't stop him."

"Eh? You finally beat the genin? Good," Haku couldn't understand her, though. "Even if they seem to have done a number on you."

"Wha? No! You need to-" whatever the froslass was going to say was cut off by Naruto bulling through the wall behind it on all fours, cloaked in that same nasty red chakra! That stuff couldn't be his! It's so heavy with hate and… Ugh. At least Ha didn't feel like he was going to barf this time. Hooray for more experience.

" **Rraaaaghhh!"** the blonde screamed, cocking back a clawed hand. Around the limb, the red chakra shaped itself into extended, bladed spikes. **"You killed Sasuke! Kill you too!"**

 _She killed Sasuke?_

"Hnmph. Obviously not," Sasuke scoffed, ducking through Naruto's hole. "Overdramatic dunce. Takes more than a little death to stop an Uchiha."

 _Seriously, Sasuke?_

"Hey, how many times do you get to say that death literally can't stop you?" Sasuke asked, quirking a slight smile, "You would have… Wait, how the hell are you talking?!"

 _I'm talking?_

Then Zabuza came through the other wall, accompanied by the shattered pieces of Kubikiribocho, a massive, circular, bruise accented with three triangular claw marks on his chest. Fortunately (or not, depending on your point of view), Naruto broke his fall, the double shocks of 'Sasuke's alive!' and 'Somebody mashed Zabuza!' causing him to lose his grip on the Kyubi's toxic power.

"Ow."

* * *

 _Five minutes previously…_

* * *

When the hell had file clerk Hikaru gotten this good?! Once Zabuza broke the guy's arm, it was supposed to be over!

It wasn't supposed to take Zabuza _and_ his kingler another ten minutes to pin the slippery bastard down! It takes a special kind of willpower to keep enough focus through a broken arm and that much bruising to use _sealless Ninjutsu!_ Sure, Hikaru wasn't as good without seals; he hadn't used any more fire style.

But the near-constant substitutions and doppelgangers were just as annoying, if less dangerous. Also, the explosions from where Haku and the twins were fighting was worrisome.

Not alarming, because Zabuza had faith in his subordinates' abilities, especially Haku's. Even if the boy wasn't fighting at full strength; he was still adjusting to life without depth perception. Haku wouldn't lose against any normal opponent.

Haku wasn't carrying any explosives, though. They didn't want to risk collateral damage in the valuable and vulnerable warehouse district. So the explosions had to be coming from his opponents. Letting green genin buy that many exploding tags, or worse, teaching them to make their own, is incredibly irresponsible and dangerous to both the genin and anyone near them. Whatever else Zabuza might say about Hikaru, he was never the sort of person to consider such a reckless course of action.

If the kids had their Pokémon well-trained, and they worked well together, they could potentially give Haku and Yuki trouble. Especially if they nailed the twins early on and Haku had to engage them alone. He'd never kill the most troublesome and capture the third just to make things easier on himself, and he was fighting with a double handicap from holding back and adjusting to the implanted eye.

Yeah, it was troubling that Haku hadn't already come to back his sensei up. On the other hand, Hikaru was _finally_ down, if not out. Time to change that.

"Make sure his head doesn't roll into the water," the assassin ordered his partner as he raised kubikiribocho, "Whoever he really is, I owe him a proper burial once we're done here." They had been friends. Sort of.

That was when Zabuza picked up a scent that, while masked by the sea breeze until the source got close, sent blaring alarms straight to his paranoia. Fresh earth. In the middle of a pier jutting out over the ocean.

Now that the noises of battle had died down somewhat (near Zabuza, anyway), he could also hear the faint 'tink, tink, tink' of somebody stepping lightly in hobnailed boots, or maybe geta. Probably the boots.

The only person who might be ballsy enough to try to sneak in geta was Jiraiya of the sannin, and there was no way Zabuza would have heard him coming.

Hobnailed boots are great for soft, treacherous surfaces like mud, hard sand, and wet grass, where the nails dig into the surface for extra grip. They're less useful on hard surfaces like stone or well-kept, cut wood, where the nails can't sink in. They also make noise, especially on uneven, hard surfaces like, say, cobblestones, or a dock, no matter how lightly you step in them.

For these reasons, ninja _never_ wear hobnailed boots. They're only really common among soldiers in the regular armed forces, specifically professional pikemen… and samurai, who sometimes could use ninjutsu. Was a _samurai_ of all things trying to stealth him with an earth jutsu?! That was definitely high on the list of threats Zabuza never thought he'd have to worry about.

Whoever it was, the guy was almost in sword range. Unbelievably good stealth skills for a samurai, but not good enough to fool Momochi Zabuza. Instead of bringing kubikiribocho down on Hikaru's neck, the missing-nin whirled around and slammed his sword down on what appeared to be empty space.

Kubikiribocho first encountered what felt like a thick shield or maybe a tetsubo, which it sundered with ease. Below that, it hit a softer layer, probably an earth-style defensive jutsu that Zabuza smelled, which barely slowed the legendary blade any more than the metal above it. Then, it hit the third layer. The zanbato stopped cold, a resounding 'Clang!' reverberating up the blade and jarring Zabuza's burns so badly he almost fumbled his grip.

A greasy feeling, like the moment before a lightning strike or powerful lightning jutsu, radiated outward from the invisible target for a few seconds, as whatever it was steadied itself against the blow, then sullenly withdrew. Tiny motes of what looked like glass began to spiral off, starting from where kubikiribocho had hit but quickly spreading around the formerly invisible thing, evaporating like morning dew in a shower of sparkles.

A weathered, bisected Buddha statue split around the zanbato, falling to either side with a clatter. A shower of earth and grass slithered after it, also split by the mighty slash.

The surface beneath, a gritty, silvery plate of metal bisected by a golden cross, was barely scratched. As Zabuza tried to process how a shrine the size of a small hill had managed to sneak up on him, the greasy feeling abruptly cut off.

The golden claws the being had delicately stood on the tips of abruptly sunk into the dock up to the thick, circular feet they were attacked to, splintering but not breaking the sturdy wood with a loud 'TOOM!'.

A pair of glowing, red eyes looked at Zabuza. Swung over to kubikiribocho. Back to Zabuza. They did not look impressed.

A single leg, one of four, adorned with an incongruous, filigreed bracelet set with an orange and silver stone, raised above the being's head? Body? Both? Zabuza couldn't tell, and didn't care to speculate. His attention was on the thick, golden claws on the end of that leg.

"Oh, fu-"

"ME _TA_ GROSS!"

'WHAM!'

* * *

 **A.N. There's a new poll related to Reflections of Exile on my profile page! Go check it out!**

 **The following is a peek into the strange and often inexplicable process that results in new chapters. It might help make some parts of what you just read make more sense, but if you aren't interested in what the heck I was thinking when I wrote this, feel free to skip it.**

 **When I decided Fuji Hikaru was going to be teaching Team Seven, I ended up in a bit of a bind. I'd already started writing out how I was going to introduce Team Rocket in the Waves Arc, but I knew that Hikaru is, in terms of combat ability, a strict downgrade from Kakashi. He'd lose against Zabuza in pretty much any situation I could think of, especially since Zabuza has the advantage of knowing the area and local informants.**

 **On the other hand, I did want to get Sakura her starter before the chunin exams began, and I knew I wanted it to be a steel type strong enough to not be outmatched by what Naruto and Sasuke already had, one that could grow and evolve alongside her like Hokori and Ha do with their trainers.**

 **I also knew I didn't want a legendary to just give her one, like with her teammates, because that's repetitive and repetitive is boring. I have been hinting, not all that subtly, that the Elemental Nations are a post-apocalyptic Hoenn ravaged by the Ten Tails.**

 **Metagross makes everything more awesome. And beldum fits Sakura well. It starts out rather weak for a pseudo-legendary, but ends up in the same weight class as low-level powerhouses like Deino and Dratini do.**

 **Yes, Metagross can turn invisible, by refracting light with tiny reflect screens. It's got a supercomputer for a brain and eons of experience; it can do that. And the whole 'you can't be seen, but you can't see out' thing doesn't matter to a Pokémon with psychic and magnetic senses.**

 **And, yes, the Land of Stone's football team is the Italy of the Elemental Nations.**


	13. First Contact

**A.N. SanDemonMax, an OC of your creation will be serving Kirigakure in the chunin exams. Thanks, SanDemonMax! Of course, there's still time for more OCs! So far, things have already changed quite a bit, since mist genin will be actually having some lines this time around, maybe make it to the finals. This OC has some serious spunk, and I'm looking forward to writing her. Not that the other OC submission so far won't be interesting, but it's nice to have someone other than Tenten who can act as the Only Sane One.**

 **Looking back on the previous chapter, it is a mite… choppy, for lack of a better word. As the reviewers pointed out. Sorry to those of you who were confused. I'll try to make this chapter more digestible. As an added bonus, and mostly coincidentally, this chapter includes a recap of the fight interspersed with all the exposition and character development I was planning to include anyway, just to make sure we're all on the same page. Exposition happens! Also, the Raikage wonders if he's been selected as the universe's personal whipping boy. He hasn't, but it's just one of those days.**

 **In regards to the poll, it seems that you all, so far anyway, seem to want Mew to continue messing with Sasuke's mind. Whether that sounds cool to you, or you'd rather see him get a more serious team, you ought to head over and vote! I do actually pay attention to the polls. Kuromaru was so very close to leading Team Seven… Oh, well. What I decided on is better for the plot, even if it isn't as funny. Also, I removed the 'everybody hates Sasuke' option, because apparently nobody did. If he was capable of breaking the fourth wall, I'd expect him to be happy about that, but not show it.**

* * *

" _I will battle every day, to claim my rightful place…"_

* * *

At approximately 7:34 in the evening, a man wearing a Kumogakure hiate-ate and a pristine lab coat slipped into a nondescript building on the outskirts of the village. The man paid little attention to his surroundings; even when he passed the looming, masked ninja guards that infrequently dotted the hallway he walked through, the man barely seemed to notice. Whatever he'd scrawled on his clipboard, in nigh indecipherable chicken scratch, it was interesting enough that even Kumo's elite black ops on guard garnered little more than a vague wave to his ID card, clipboard, and duffel bag as he passed.

He did, however, pause a few times to shift the bulky bag around on his shoulders, producing a faint clanking sound each time. Then, he would stroke his pointed chin, flip to the next page on his clipboard, and resume walking.

When the man stopped, he also checked the bottom page of his clipboard, where a map of the building was located. His colleagues might have found this odd, as the elite guards recognized the man or at least his ID, and this was obviously a high security area, so how was he unfamiliar with the layout? More importantly, why did he have a map of a classified location?

However, at 7:50 in the evening, all the R&D ninja, scientists, and ninja scientists had gone home, for dinner, sleep, or relaxation. It wasn't against the rules to work late, but it was discouraged. People did their best science well-rested, and Kumo's Long-Term Projects Lab, home of every experiment that defied ready classification, did its best work when its staff was well rested. They needed every creative edge they could get. They also needed the solar generators on the plains just outside Kumo active to run their equipment.

The village's single coal-fired electric turbine, reverse engineered from ancient blueprints, could not supply enough energy to light the village and power the lab's computers. R&D's massive, room-filling machines, with their banks of vacuum tubes and seals, guzzled electricity like the average sand ninja did water (on long, foreign missions where said sand ninja had the novel experience of an unlimited supply of the stuff).

The LP Lab, as the cloud ninja referred to it, specialized in weird jobs, the ones nobody else wanted (or could solve). When the Third Raikage was seriously injured fighting the eight-tailed demon, for example, they figured out how to stop him from bleeding out. The Third Raikage was famous for his toughness, and was only ever wounded fighting the demon. Which made figuring out how to close the wound of a man whose skin could not be penetrated by needles an interesting challenge.

It was that or beg a medic ninja off Konoha, and Kumo wasn't about to go into debt with _that_ lot if they had another option!

When ghost stories started popping up all over the village from people who were usually rather sensible and reliable, it was the LP Lab who figured out that the seal on the jinchuriki of the two-tailed demon was starting to fail, allowing it to be transferred into Yugito Nii before the biju broke free. The eight-tails was bad enough; it may have been little more than a thug before Killa Bee got to it, but a thug with biju-level power behind it is nearly unstoppable. The two-tailed nekomata isn't as powerful, but she _is_ smart, tricky, and has an incredibly nasty trinity of abilities: enhanced fire-style ninjutsu, the ability to phase through solid objects and attacks, and the ability to create an army from the animated corpses of its victims. The nekomata hadn't run free since Senju Hashirama first sealed it fifty-three years ago, and Kumo was highly motivated to keep it that way.

When sixteen chunin were encased in solidified yet not frozen water, courtesy of a ninjutsu from mist, the LP Lab techs figured out how to reverse the jutsu before the chunin died of dehydration. They also extracted a coin from the nose of the daimyo's six year old daughter without leaving a scar, cured a very young Ay the future Raikage's fear of thunder, and found a way to remove chewing gum from hair without cutting it out. The LP Lab got the weird jobs. Whenever the Raikage needed (or wanted) something done, and had no idea where to even start, he (there hadn't ever been a female Raikage, not that there couldn't be one) went to Long-Term Projects.

So when the eight-tails barfed up a giant, glowing gemstone, it went to the LP Lab. When Team Samui found a bunch of ancient relics frozen in a glacier, the electronics and textiles were snapped up by other divisions of R&D. The mysterious, unidentifiable, black, yellow, and white spheres went to long-term projects.

Regardless of the LP Lab's sadly abused charter, which originally only gave them responsibility for all projects expected to need more than 5 years to complete, the man was more concerned with one simple fact. At 7:50, none of his colleagues were at work. He had access to the entire lab. The guards were highly skilled, but they had no idea what most of the things they were guarding were, or could do. This was in part because the scientists were in the same boat at least half of the time, but the fact was that most ninja never get more than a basic education in the sciences. Also, this was the LP Lab. After a few daylight shifts in there, it took an awful lot to register as strange.

So, when the man stepped inside the room containing the lab's newest projects and set his clipboard aside, the guards in the room payed him no attention. When the man withdrew a large, greenish mirror from his bag, producing more faint clanking, they didn't find that noteworthy either.

When a pattern started travelling across the reflective surface, all three guards _did_ take brief notice. If only because the pattern was interesting. After all, they'd been on duty for a few hours, there was nothing to do, and they were rather bored. The pattern, though, held their attention. Even though it looked like each repetition was the same, the more you stared the easier it was to see the minor variations.

At least, they thought there were slight changes each time. They'd better keep watching to make sure. Even though they were starting to feel… sleepy… But the pattern… keep watching the…

Three bodies hit the ground, with the faint 'clack' of armor against tile, and the man released his mirror to hover next to him, the metal circle opening a pair of dull, yellow eyes. A metal sphere floated out of the duffel bag to join the mirror. The sphere's single eye took in the scene, the three screws jutting out of its front and top turning slowly, and then the magnets attached to its sides crackled with electric power.

When the light faded, all three guards were smoking slightly. And there was no way they would be sounding the alarms. Probably ever.

Moving slowly, but with purpose, the man picked his way through the lab, the sphere and the mirror bobbing patiently through the air after him. Soon, however, the man stopped, in front of the large, green, glowing rock Killa Bee had donated almost three months previously. The stone was dotted with sensors and seal tags, from the experiments conducted during the day, but the man carefully removed those, and transferred the rock from its pedestal to a cleared, steel lab table, far from anything else valuable. He made sure not to touch the rock, using a pair of tongs he'd found nearby instead.

The scientists hadn't found any evidence that contact with the rock was dangerous, but past experience and some truly spectacular explosions had taught them to respect the protective capabilities of rubber gloves, earth-style skin reinforcement jutsu, and tongs. This done, he backed off to what he thought was a safe distance, and motioned to the mirror and the sphere.

"Gamma, Violet, hit that stone with a flash cannon. It must be simultaneous, understood? On three," The man grabbed a set of dark goggles from a nearby hook and slipped them on. "One… Two… Three!"

As the man counted down, each Pokémon began to glow with a harsh light, concentrated in the magnemite's top screw and the bronzor's nose. On three, each fired a brilliant beam of light, no wider than the lead of a mechanical pencil, into the heart of the stone, which seemed to greedily soak up the energy. After a few seconds, the two steel types were forced to cut off the stream; unevolved, they couldn't maintain such high output for long. As the Pokémon recovered, the man raised his goggles to examine the stone again. Its glow had brightened noticeably. The man allowed a slight, triumphant smile to cross is face.

"Again, please. One, two, three! Hmmm… Once more. One, two, three!" As the third set of beams petered out, the Pokémon generating them exhausted for the moment, the light filling the room barely faded at all, most of it now the wavering, green glow of the stone. The scintillating, feathery patterns covered every surface in a verdant dance, while the man literally basked in the glory of his handiwork… briefly. "We… should probably get out of here. Gamma, Violet, get back in the bag. Mission accomplished." With that, the man turned and headed for the entrance, with considerably more haste than before. The two Pokemon hovered ahead, toward the bag.

In his haste, he banged his hip against one of the tables. Ordinarily, there would have been no consequences to this. Ordinarily, the lab wasn't exposed to the magnetic backblast of a magnemite stabilizing itself against the considerable recoil of flash cannon. Many metal objects had been disturbed, unnoticed against the light show. One of which, a black, yellow, and white sphere, fell from the crucible it had balanced on, the dish keeping it from rolling away before then. When it was jarred by a hip striking the table, the ball plummeted toward the floor. Reflexively, the man reached out and caught the sphere before it could hit.

The light and noise from repeated flash cannon volleys had likely drawn far more attention than a softball-sized sphere ever would, but it was habit to not make excess noise on infiltration missions. So, in the silence of the sphere hitting soft palm instead of hard tile, the man clearly heard a soft 'click' and felt a stud on the front of the ball depress. A stud choked with the rust of eons in ice, only working now because 'drop it on a metal surface and hope it doesn't break' is very low on the LP Lab's list of things to try on an ancient and priceless artefact. But that very action shook enough rust from the activation stud to allow the abused circuit to complete one last time. Poké balls in general, and ultra balls in particular, were made with exceptionally resilient containment and release mechanisms, so that the Pokemon inside will survive even if the ball is severely damaged or trapped somewhere for a very long time.

Devon Co.'s leading engineer during the company's last years bragged that his designs would withstand anything, up to and including the apocalypse. They did.

The man froze. His Pokémon froze. The light grew brighter behind them. The sphere began to rattle and shake in his hand.

* * *

A man wearing a lab coat and a Kumogakure headband slipped out of the door of a nondescript building on the outskirts of the village, followed by two levitating, metal objects. The man started to lock the door behind him, then stopped, dropped the keys, and tried to hurry off without looking like he was hurrying. The metal objects followed, both with nervous glances behind them.

The side of the building exploded around the door. Heads snaked out from the new entrance, sniffing at the air. One head… two… three… Three heads emerged from the building, followed by a pudgy body covered in dark fur. Three heads roared to the sky in sequence, almost a chant. Each head roared a different syllable. "Hy! Drei! Gon!"

The right head snapped irritably at the center head. The center head bludgeoned the right head into submission, before belching a dark beam of energy that carved a smoking, crackling furrow through the surrounding buildings. The left head, the dark half of a U-marked sphere sitting on top of its cranium, licked the side of the building, and then attempted to eat some nearby grass. It whined when its neck wasn't quite long enough to reach.

The man ran for it, his Pokémon close behind. A surviving guard passed him by, headed for the Kage tower, and didn't bother to stop and ask questions. After all, running seemed like a very sensible and not at all suspicious thing to do right now. And in the darkness, the dull-colored Pokémon didn't attract the eye.

* * *

When Haruno Sakura hopped over a nearby rooftop, the first thing she noticed was Sasuke. Of course. And he was injured! His arm was in a sling, and he looked kinda pale. But he was standing, and didn't look like he was in pain either (not the most useful of measures, but still), so he was probably sort of fine. He was accompanied by a strange miniature… ballerina?! No way… So then what was it?

It had the same color scheme as Ha, but came up to Sasuke's waist rather than his knees. It had long, slender legs, longer, still-green hair, and its horns were on either side of its head instead on in a line in the middle. It also had what looked a whole lot like a tutu.

In fact, it looked like how she imagined the ninja animal would look if he were a preteen instead of a young kid. A preteen girl. Wasn't Ha supposed to be a guy?

 _I heard that. I_ am _a guy._

"Wha? How did you?"

 _Apparently I can talk now. And I am taller. We can think about it later. For now, focus on the enemy._ The psychic pointed across the alley with fingers he definitely didn't have before, where a groaning Zabuza and his shattered sword were laying across Naruto!

Oh, and a masked guy and what was probably another kind of strange ninja animal or summon were standing nearby looking shell-shocked, the human covered in rather recognizable nail wounds. So they were probably enemies too.

That was when a ginormous crab, crackling with lightning jutsu aftermath, came sailing through the hole in a building opposite Zabuza. The crab tried to get up again, but its strength failed it, and it collapsed with a bubbly moan.

Zabuza, meanwhile, rolled himself off Naruto, eyes unfocused, and groped around for his sword. He came up with a foot of jagged blade attached to a cracked hilt. "Crap," the missing-ninja muttered groggily, "This is gonna take forever to fix."

Then, a metal monster stomped through the hole, turning it into a much bigger hole in the process! The metal thing was actually shorter than the crab, only a little taller than Sakura, but much bulkier and heavier-set. Sunlight glinted off its silver plating, and the golden cross on its face, as it glared at Zabuza and the masked guy.

Zabuza considered his options. He was injured pretty badly. Haku and Yuki were injured. Zabuza's kingler was out cold. If pink-hair was here, Gozu and Meizu had lost, and were probably being guarded by the dratini. Freaking deadbeats. If he didn't need to keep them from squealing, he'd leave them to get captured, and it'd serve them right. What kind of idiot chunin, with summoned backup, loses to a genin and a dratini?

Also, their significant opposition was tough enough to tank direct hits from an intact kubikiribocho. "Retreat!" he ordered his team, and smashed a hole in the dock, diving into the ocean below. Haku and Yuki followed his lead, and a few seconds later, the crab was pulled through the dock after them.

Fuji Hikaru staggered in through the hole after the metal creature, favoring his right side. He tried to say something, but passed out the moment he opened his mouth. Sakura, Ha, Sasuke, and the metal thing were left in a circle, wearily eyeing each other. Naruto had been to Sakura's left, but he broke ranks to check the jonin over.

Then, three human ninja and one Pokéninja spoke as one. "Wha _t_ the _h_ ec _k_ hap _p_ ened to y _o_ u?!"

* * *

"What _ha_ ppene _d_ to _m_ e?! Wh _a_ t happ _e_ ned to _you?_ "

"Nose goooaaah man! Come on, guys! And Sakura," Sasuke, Sakura, and Ha already had a finger on their noses. "There's no way I'm that predictable!"

"I still have my Sharingan active."

 _Your mental defenses are nonexistent. It takes more effort to stop reading your surface thoughts than to start. I have no idea how you haven't been killed yet._

"Sorry, Naruto… You kinda are that predictable…"

"Fine! Best goes first, then!" the Uzumaki bounced back, "Well, after that sniper nailed Sasuke, we got jumped by an evil fish and then that masked guy and I guess sensei was right about how needles are good near water 'cause mask guy had hundreds of them! He was really fast, and I couldn't see him move, but Sasuke could 'cause he's got super eyes! But Sasuke couldn't fight, 'cause the sniper hit him in the shoulder, so I did all the hard work!"

"Because keeping you alive against that guy with one hand was so _very_ easy," muttered Sasuke.

"He musta realized he was no match for me, so he froze us in a big dome of ice with some weird jutsu and switched out with this white, floaty thing, I think it mighta been a summon," Naruto paused to tie off a makeshift splint on Hikaru's arm. "We busted out of the dome, and the summon started in with explodey ice jutsu that we couldn't dodge! Then, when we were shaking that off it shot this big, purple blob at me, and Sasuke got in the way! I knew you couldn't be all jerk! You do care!"

"Phh. You wish. It was the best tactical option," Sasuke deflected, "You were relatively healthy. I was already injured. It was an unknown jutsu you couldn't dodge in time. The best option was to preserve your fighting ability. Except you stood still and let the thing hit you with another one! You dunce!"

"Hey, I thought you were dead! I checked your pulse, and it wasn't there, and you weren't breathing, and… I think I panicked," Naruto pressed his lips together, guilt burning in his stomach. To distract himself, he lightly prodded his sensei's ribs, noted the flinch, and started to saw through the jonin's kimono with a kunai. "Not exactly my finest moment. I guess that's when I got hit; all I remember after that is a few flashes of red, and then waking up with that big, scary guy on top of me! How the heck did that happen, anyway?"

"The big metal thing-"

"Metagross."

"Right, what he said, punched shirtless guy so hard it shattered his sword and still sent him flying through the wall," Sasuke contributed, "I didn't see what happened before that. I was… preoccupied."

Sakura raised an eyebrow, easily visible as the motion caused some of the drying blood on her face to flake off. "What was more interesting than watching that smash the missing-ninja?"

"Well, being dead," bluntly stated the Uchiha, "Or having a near death experience. With hallucinations."

"Hallucinations? Are… are you ok now?"

"I don't think they were. Hallucinations, I mean," elaborated Sasuke, "I had my Sharingan active the whole time, and I remember it all perfectly. When I have the Sharingan active in dreams, I still don't remember them very well."

 _So what did you see?_

"This sounds kind of crazy, but…" Sasuke paused to rub his eyes, shook his head, and continued talking, "The shadow ball jutsu thing hit me, and I think it… knocked my soul or spirit or something out of my body. Turned me into a ghost or an ancestor spirit or... I dunno. I was never very interested in religion. Then, that freaky fish that attacked Naruto and I earlier started trying to eat me, and it could. Hurt me, I mean. Which I thought was strange, because as a spirit I couldn't touch other stuff, so I couldn't move. I had to watch Naruto go all red and angry like _that_ night because he thought I was dead, and I couldn't do a thing about it. Because I think I was. Dead, I mean. Medically speaking."

"Do- does that mean you're a ghost right now?" Naruto took several steps back, face rapidly paling, "Maybe we should be running… Yeah, running sounds good!"

"Obviously not, idiot. No, that was when things got weird. The Fourth Hokage's ghost showed up and drop-kicked the fish so hard it landed on the beach," Sasuke panned a wooden gaze across his teammates. "No, I'm serious. I swear to the gods I am nowhere near creative enough to make this up."

"You… You're serious," Sakura stated, her tone implying she wasn't sure she _wanted_ to believe it. "So then, what happened next?"

"He gave me a crash course in sealing, had me memorize a seal that would have let Naruto regain control of himself if he couldn't do it on his own, and dragged me over to my body. Then, the Fourth Lord punched me in the face so hard that I re-entered my body and came back to life. Because apparently Hokage ghosts can do that. Somehow. The rest you already heard."

* * *

" **I taught him that."**

"…You know that doesn't freaking explain anything, don't you? Since when does punching ghosts bring back the dead dattebane?"

" **The creation of this technique was fueled by the burning love of brother and sister. Even though I cannot truly feel strong emotions because I am no longer alive. Also, it was mostly because Dialga and I were bored, and he decided to share a pre-Ten Tails anime with me to pass the time."**

"What the heck? How does an anime teach you to resurrection punch?"

 **"When the gods of time and ghosts marathon giant robot anime for months on end, local physics get… strange. The universe is lucky Palkia was not there. Two of us in the same place for hundreds of hours is bad enough."**

"Well, damn."

 **"My brothers' visits are not infrequent because we dislike each other's company. Reality does not respond positively to so much power in a small space."**

* * *

'BOOM!' Team Samui, sheltering behind a mostly intact house near the edge of Kumogakure, levelled their respective weapons at the massive cloud of dust rising out of the impact crater dishing the ground yards from their position. Nothing happened for a few seconds, and the cloud ninja started to relax.

Then a massive, dark hand lashed out from the dust, grabbed the shirt of the most convenient target, and pulled Karui into optimal yelling position. "You! Chunin! What the hell is going on here? Who's in charge? Where's my brother?!"

"Ra-rara-Lord Raikage!" She stammered out, eyes wide and glazed with shell shock. "I-I… We…"

Killa Bee, shrouded in brilliant yellow chakra, flew down the street to their left, back to the ground. Blood streamed from his nostrils and the corners of his mouth, but his sunglasses remained securely on his nose and his clothes seemed mostly intact. The jinchuriki lowered a glowing hand, the energy surrounding his fingers extending into claws, and dug the claws into the street beneath him. Now stabilized, he flipped himself over, landed on his feet, and straightened his badly broken nose with a faint wince.

"Big bro! We got trouble!" Bee shouted, his customary rhymes conspicuously absent. That brought Ay's train of thought to a spectacularly explosive derailment. Bee never voluntarily stopped rapping. He only rarely _involuntarily_ spoke plainly. "There's a dragon! Or possibly three dragons!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Aside from dragons existing, which the Raikage was pretty sure hadn't been the case this morning, how was it that they couldn't tell? "How big are these things?"

"Pretty big!" Bee replied, "Size of a small house, and not exactly sneaky. Just one body, but _three_ heads! Busted outta the LP lab maybe… ten minutes ago!"

"Report, Bee! Give me the sitrep! What exactly are we dealing with here?"

"Big, black, three-headed dragon. It's been tearing up the surrounding area. We've contained it so far, but it's dropped like thirty guys already, and we can't stay close enough to tell if their KIA or just hurt! Each head has its own brain," Bee explained, continuing into his tactical analysis, "We've had some success by getting them to chase three different targets who then scatter and disorient it. It has wings, and I think it can fly, but we've disoriented it every time it tries, to restrict its mobility."

"Team attacks, then," Not the best news. Kumo's military strategy favors fielding small numbers of extremely powerful ninja, rather than the standard squad tactics most other nations use. One cloud ninja is typically worth at least a dozen of equal rank from somewhere else, although things are more even at the very highest ranks. Thus, they are trained to operate alone or in pairs, and in devastating crowd control and assassination techniques. A focus on area of effect jutsu and crippling direct attacks in situations where friendly fire is highly unlikely doesn't work well when you need coordinated, large-scale teamwork. "What about ninjutsu?" Ay remembered that some of the old stories suggested dragons were immune, or at least very resistant to most conventional weapons. Usually as a device to force the hero on a long-winded quest for some magical sword.

"Not very useful," Bee confirmed the Raikage's worst-case scenario, "Earth jutsu don't affect it at all for some reason. Lightning, fire, and water have _some_ effect, but my super-vibrato-lightning swords couldn't penetrate all the way through its skin, so it's definitely resistant. Wind style works normally, I think, but…"

"Leaf and Sand are the only villages with strong wind adepts," The older brother finished sourly, "What about genjutsu?" Kumo had some strong illusion experts, and Ay himself had enough chakra and imagination to brute force a decent genjutsu if he needed to.

"No effect. You'd have more luck on a Hyuga," Great! The Sharingan made Uchiha highly resistant to genjutsu, but not fully immune. Hyuga, on the other hand, were. Even when their eyes were inactive, they still saw more colors than a normal person. Ay didn't fully understand it, which was the point. Without a Byakugan, you couldn't replicate what they saw, and thus couldn't deceive them. Even worse, if you tried an internal genjutsu, disrupting their balance or making them hear things, Hyuga train in chakra control from the cradle to the grave. They notice the changes instantly.

"Then what does work?!" The Raikage finally burst out, "Negotiation?"

"Punching."

"Punching. That's all you've got?"

"Normal swords work too, but not well," Bee grinned, cracking his knuckles, "It's too big and tough for a blade to do much damage. But it hates getting punched and kicked so much that it always goes for the unarmed guys first! I think it might be chakra-resistant. Thing isn't stupid, so it must prioritize whoever can hurt it the most."

"Okay… So we send in some chunin and jonin to distract the heads, then the two of us deliver a finishing blow," Ay decided, "With the two of us, that should be enough force."

"Getting close will be a challenge," the jinchuriki added, "If chunin go in unsupported, they won't last long enough."

"Why not? It's just a big animal," scoffed Ay, "As long as they keep their distance, it can't hurt them."

"It has ninjutsu," Bee's eyes shifted over to several craters that were only alarmingly large now that the Raikage knew his brother hadn't made them. "You know how the legends have dragons breathing fire? Not a myth. The head on its right mostly bites and headbutts, but it can also shoot these black waves of energy that knock out genjutsu specialists and medic nin with one hit, somehow. Must be a mental thing; they don't hurt me much. The left head does fire, and ice, and lightning. It's also the most easily distracted. The middle head can do all that, and this purple energy beam that can blow through six feet of concrete and steel!" Something exploded in the background, accompanied by some screams.

"Damn it!" The Raikage turned toward the source of the blast, and pumped lightning chakra through his body, surrounding him in a crackling corona of energy. "We can't afford to sit here and let that thing tear our people apart! We're going in now, while we still have backup! If the two of _us_ can't out-power that thing, Kumo's fucked anyway."

Bee chuckled. "Subtle approach's overrated anyway. Let's go save the day!"

Ay almost punched him for that. But he was more relieved that Bee was back to normal than annoyed. For all their bravado, that dragon had to be pretty tough to shake Bee up like that. "You want to see if we can lariat all three heads at once?"

"Hell yeah! Let's get wild! Hmm. What rhymes with wild?"

"Just check a dictionary later! We've got a dragon to kill!"

* * *

 _At the beginning of the battle, right after Sasuke was shot, Hokori and I heard Sakura scream._ Since they seemed to be going in a circle, it was Ha's turn to share. _We had to help her, but we also wanted to support Sasuke and Naruto against the masked ninja. I have a healing jutsu. I'm not very good at it, but I thought I could fix Sasuke's arm._

"Thanks for that, by the way," Sakura added, "I think they'd have captured me if you hadn't sent Hokori over to help."

"Tini!" Hokori added, slithering up next to Naruto. Zabuza had pulled the chunin they'd captured under the docks, and the dragon didn't really want to pursue a water style expert in the ocean.

 _Captured?_

"Yeah, those guys weren't aiming to kill. You guys didn't notice?" The expressions of her teammates told her that no, they hadn't. "Not even you, Sasuke? Well, I was surprised too…"

 _However, once I had my technique ready, the enemy summon phased out of a nearby wall, and blocked the healing chakra with its body. It then engaged me with area of effect moves that I was hard-pressed to dodge, even with my teleportation._

"Phased? You mean it could pass through solid objects?" Sasuke cut in, "Then how did you hurt it? How did it even move?"

 _Humans and summons, as you know, have different chakra. Humans can naturally have chakra of up to two of the five human chakra types, or a blend of two of them. They can learn to make other types, but they can only have two naturally. Bound summons like Hokori and I are the same, but we can have two of the eighteen summon types instead. However, our chakra type affects our physical abilities far more than yours._

 _Hokori, as a dragon type, resists most elemental jutsu and is very slow to tire. I, as a psychic and (_ sigh _) fairy type am immune to dragon techniques, highly resistant to taijutsu and genjutsu, and capable of sensing and sending surface thoughts. The enemy summon, as a ghost type, could phase through physical attacks, but not energy or chakra based ones. And yes, part of generating natural ghost chakra is being a ghost. Don't panic, Naruto, it's long gone now._

 _Fortunately, the enemy summon had emotional and physical tells that let me predict its movements and evade its attacks. After failing to hit me a dozen times, it phased through the docks, and its human partner engaged me instead. Even while reading his emotions, he was so fast I couldn't completely dodge his attacks, and I was hard pressed to stay alive._

 _Eventually I was pushed beyond my limits, and rather than give up and die, I evolved._

"Wait, that's not right. Evolution takes thousands of years!" protested Sakura, "You can't just go and decide 'I know, I'm losing so I'll just evolve and grow to twice my size!' That's ridiculous!"

 _It's just an expression. The actual process is a very fast metamorphosis that many summons go through when we have reached sufficient age, maturity, and strength. It involves a considerable increase in power, which is why I am able to project my mental voice to communicate with you, when I could not before. With my new power, I was able to hold my own until Zabuza was defeated, and the enemy retreated._

"Great job!" Naruto shouted enthusiastically (did he ever shout another way?), before turning to the last human in the circle, "Your turn, Sakura!"

* * *

"Run away, run away!" Ay tracked a pair of somewhat singed chunin supporting a quite crispy third with his eyes as they limped away from the battle. Eh, it wasn't cowardice to head for a medic once your relief arrived. Besides, based on what Bee said they wouldn't have been very useful anyway.

Instead of chewing them out, the Raikage unclipped a radio from his belt and raised it to his mouth. "Bee, report! You in position?"

"Yo, yo, ready to go! His ass is grass!"

"Cee!" Ay switched his radio to all channel broadcast. There was no need for counterintelligence measures when the enemy didn't have a radio, and it was convenient to be able to contact all his forces with one message. "Is the distraction ready?"

"Just say the word, sir," Ay's reconnaissance division commander crackled back, static hissing under his words from the lightning chakra in the air. Cee's job was to give the Raikage and his brother an opening. To that end, he'd assembled a dozen jonin ninjutsu experts for a coordinated, long-range attack that's output would probably be equivalent to _one_ of the Raikage's punches. In a village full of one man armies and strong, eccentric personalities, there was a reason Ay was in charge, and it had little to do with his self-admittedly basic skills in strategic planning. When he knocked people's heads together and demanded that they _shut up and listen already, dammit!_ , there wasn't a ninja in the village who would dare disobey.

"Word, Cee. Light the bastard up," Let it be known far and wide that Ay, Fourth Raikage of Kumo, does have a sense of humor. You might be waiting a long, long time before you see any evidence of it, but it exists.

In response to the order, lightning lanced in from ten different spots around the dragon, accompanied by a hefty spread of water blasts and on the side opposite the water a stream of smoky, grey-tinged fire and every flashbang Cee had on him tied to a stick. The creature reeled in pain, the right and left heads actually ramming face-first into each other as they flinched from the onslaught of light, noise, and energy. The water blasts battered the middle head, forcing it to swallow a fire blast of its own with a distressed 'hurp'.

The dragon tanked the best shots of twelve expert jonin without more than scorch marks and a little dizziness. However, for the next few seconds it was not paying much attention to its surroundings. More than enough time for the fastest man alive, and his closest competition.

All the onlooking jonin saw at first was twin streaks of light, heading for the stunned dragon at impossible speeds. Then, in the moment before the streaks met, the light abruptly vanished. The dragon's heads slammed together between the extended arms of Ay and Bee.

The Raikage and the jinchuriki had disengaged their respective chakra cloaks just before impact, operating off the theory that their bare skin would have more effect on a chakra-resistant creature. So, their signature combination attack, the 'double lariat', didn't have the explosive power as it usually yielded. Even so, both men are extremely strong, and were moving very, very fast. All three dragon heads hit the ground, the creature's struggles uncoordinated and its eyes out of focus. Bee breathed a discrete sigh of relief. He'd been pounding on that monster for the past ten minutes with little results. Of course, nothing had ever stood up to Ay and Bee working together before. But assuming nothing ever would was a good way to fall into complacency.

That was when a pale, green pillar of light shot up from the wreckage of the LP Lab, several blocks away. Ay and Bee had an excellent view, as the dragon's rampage had flattened a clear line of sight.

"Oh, what now?!" As the brothers watched, a nonreflective, black pyramid rose up the light, its point following the beam. "Kami damn it," Ay muttered, "This is gonna be one of _those_ days, isn't it?"

"Probably, bro."

"That was a rhetorical question."

"Ya know, I think I can get that down for a closer look."

"Just charge in there with no intel? That is a terrible- Bee! Get back here!" But the jinchuriki was already halfway there, and in the air. A relatively serious look on his face, he leaped through the light, arms outstretched for the pyramid, which shifted just enough to avoid his grasping fingers, and emitted a harsh, metallic, and oddly upbeat tone.

"Hey!" Bee jumped again, and the pyramid avoided him by millimeters a second time, accompanied by a similar tone. "Okay. It. Is. On." But, the pyramid stayed tantalizingly out of reach as it lead the jinchuriki in circles. And triangles. And squares. And then pentagons, and it was starting in on hexagons when Ay finally restrained his brother with a hand on the shoulder.

"Thing's playing with you, Bee. Go cool down; I'll handle this."

"What're you gonna do, bro? You ain't that much faster n' me."

"If it's smart enough to enjoy stringing you along, it's intelligent. It hasn't done anything threatening yet, and frankly, the last thing the village needs is another battle today." Besides, Ay's gut told him the thing wouldn't attack first. He didn't have any concrete reasons to think that, but his intuition rarely led him astray.

The pyramid jerked closer with another beep, looking about as interested as a featureless geometric solid could. "Wait, can you understand me?" The pyramid traced a jerky triangle, beeping with every movement, and then spun around a few times in front of him. "Is that a yes?" The pyramid began spinning in the other direction. "Or are you just responding to the noise?" The pyramid moved towards Ay, then away, then back to its original position, beeping all the while.

"That's what I thought. Cee! Get the cypher corps down here. And somebody drop a barrier around that damn dragon so it stays down! Since it's still alive, maybe we can make it Iwa or Konoha's problem…"

* * *

"Well, c-compared to you guys I didn't do much. I got attacked by one of the enemy, and his summon, I think it was a salamander or a fish or something. I couldn't do much two on one, but then Hokori ambushed them. We took out the guy pretty fast, and then his brother, who was trying to sneak up on you two, decided to attack us instead. But for some reason he wasn't trying to kill me, and, well, he wasn't very good at capture techniques, so he gave me an opening and I knocked him out. Hokori beat up the fish in the meantime, so I left him guarding the prisoners and came over to try and help you guys," Sakura started to take off her steel knuckles, and then froze, eyes widening at the solid coating of red over her hands. "Oh. _That's_ why you're all staring… Uh, this isn't mine. Mostly. He kinda… bled a lot? All over?"

"Wait, did you have those in the academy?" Sasuke cut in, his uninjured hand unconsciously creeping up to rub at his jaw. The same place from where he'd lost three baby teeth, in three separate spars, to Sakura. Naturally, he always won, but she usually snuck in a few good hits first. The girl's weak chuckle was all the answer he needed. "Hn." Well, he couldn't really point fingers about sneaking weapons into the sparring ring.

"Hey, hey!" Naruto cut in with an insistent tug to both his human teammates shoulders. Having wrapped Hikaru's probably broken ribs, splinted his broken arm, and failed to find any life-threatening cuts, Naruto had decided he couldn't do anything else for his sensei. "Am I really the only one who's gonna ask the obvious question here?" The blond boy jerked a thumb to his right, at the giant metal creature. "What the hell is _that_?"

"Weren't you listening, dunce?" Sasuke's voice practically oozed condescension, "It's a metagross."

"Metagross."

"Exactly, and it's very rude to forget things like the name or possibly species of the person who saved your life. You should probably apologize," Sasuke allowed his Uchiha mask to slide more firmly in place, and narrowed his eyes just so, like Itachi did when he wanted to make people squirm. Kind of like Itachi did; Sasuke seriously doubted he could pull off the _look_ , especially since he'd just look stupid if he poked Naruto in the forehead afterward. How the heck did Itachi make that look cool? "Don't you remember how much you hate it when people forget you?"

"Meta?" Now the steel type just looked confused.

Ha wasn't, though. He could see through Sasuke's poker face as a ralts; with the far stronger senses of a kirlia he didn't even have to think about it. The psychic reflexively went for a nail jab, only to be abruptly reminded that he… no longer had that option. On the other hand, now that he was a lot taller, Sasuke's stomach was just within elbow reach.

"Ow!" Sasuke rubbed his newest bruise, looking hurt. "What was that for? I was just messing with him."

 _Time, place, and appropriate subject matter, partner. You managed to miss all three._

"Er… Sorry?"

 _I'm not the one who needs an apology._

"Hn." Ha elbowed him again. "I'm sorry, okay? Stop hitting me!"

"Meta."

"How can somebody so smart act so dumb?" Sakura went to put her trench spikes away, was reminded of the blood, and instead left them awkwardly hanging from one hand. "Kami do I need a shower… Alright, since we're not dead, I'm pretty sure you're friendly. Buuut, that still leaves a lot of questions. If you want to answer… It's not like we have any way to make you talk."

"Metagross ta."

 _Of course. I will translate. He has been living on this island for many years, underneath the shrine you three prayed at on the way. However, he had no reason to show himself until he detected a psychic pulse from one of us. Maybe he picked up me evolving, or one of you humans has some Yamanaka blood. He thought one of you might be a Chosen, and decided to intervene on our side if we needed it._

"Uh, okay, I'll bite," Naruto got the first question in, "What's a chosen?"

 _The chosen are humans born or taught extraordinary abilities rather like or exactly like kekkei genkai. In ancient times, they were tasked by the gods with defending nature and humanity from those that would do either harm. Now, they are, as far as I know, all but extinct._

"Extinct? Why? If they had powerful kekkei genkai, what could wipe them out?" Now Sasuke was confused. Even Danzo and hundreds of years of war had failed to wipe out the Uchiha. Naturally, none of these Chosen clans could come close to the power of the Uchiha, but most kekkei genkai were worthy of respect. "Shouldn't they still be around?"

 _Well, unlike the modern kekkei genkai clans, the Chosen have a responsibility to defend the helpless, the weak, and the balance between man and nature. Including giving up their lives if necessary. By the time that Adamant the metagross here remembers, most of the clans were extinct. The Aura Guardians were down to two people, a descendant of a long-forgotten bastard named Ash, and Riley, a half-trained, orphaned adept. As far as Adamant knows, neither passed on their skills. Maybe they couldn't find someone with enough potential to train._

 _The Stone family only had one person, Steven Stone, and nobody remembered what their special power was. He died without an heir too. The Draconids of Blackthorn City were more numerous, but their secrets and remaining heirs probably died sometime in the warring clans period; Adamant hasn't heard a whisper of an active Draconid in centuries. And even out here in wave, if there was a Draconid running around, he'd have heard. So would we. The dragon speakers are pretty easy to spot._

"Dragon speakers?"

"Dratini ni! Ti Drati."

 _That was their special ability. They could talk to dragons. According to Hokori, they even learned to make dragon chakra, despite being human. The legends his parents told him say the Draconids descended from a latios that fell in love with a human, and took human form to wed her. Unlikely, but a nice story._

"A latios?" Sakura questioned, "Is that like you guys?"

 _Hardly. Latios are mythological, draconic defenders of civilization. They star in a lot of heroic myths and legends summons like us have. They usually take the same role Susano'o does in human stories, actually, alongside their sisters, the latias. Even if they did exist, and I'm not saying they don't, they couldn't mate with humans. Dragons lay eggs. Humans don't._

"Oh. So the chosen are all gone now?" Sakura thought that was kind of disappointing. They sounded romantic… And the world could use more heroes; underneath the propaganda, she doubted any ninja, even any of the Hokage, could honestly claim that title. The Fourth Hokage was a mass murderer, the Second Hokage discriminated against members of other clans and created the Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei, the First Hokage handed out biju like party favors 'cause mutually assured destruction solved everything, and the Third Hokage… had great propaganda compared to the other Hokage. Sakura found him suspicious because his image was _too_ clean. Nobody goes through a couple of wars, trains freaking Orochimaru, and comes out smelling like a rose. Not that many people thought like Sakura did; didn't anyone other than Shikamaru's dad study history?!

 _You know some chosen. The Yamanaka clan are descended from Chosen with similar psychic abilities. However, whatever their duty as Chosen was is no longer known to them, or us. Adamant never actually met one, and if my sensei knew, they never said._

"Wait a sec!" The lone girl of the group spared a nervous glance for team seven's jonin-sensei, who was still out cold on the dock. "This is interesting and all, and I'd love to hear more, but is this really the time? What about Hikaru-sensei? And shouldn't we be getting out of this clearly compromised location?"

 _With my expanded range, I'd sense incoming hostile emotions long before they got close enough to be troublesome. Assuming they aren't on sword guy's level, anyway, and guys that powerful can't be common._

"I've been doing sweeps for incoming, trained chakra signatures with my Sharingan," Sasuke contributed, "And Naruto has a couple of clones on lookout duty. Besides, who's going to stick around with sword guy _and_ Adamant in the area?"

"Yeah, and there aren't any civilians around to get collateral damaged," reasoned Naruto, "Right here's probably securer than anywhere we could go."

"Oh. Okay. In that case, inform away!"

* * *

In the mountains north of Kumogakure, a woman in a dark cloak and her dog walked along the edge of a glacier. Although the air around them was bitterly cold, the pair left a trail of slush and mud in their wake. The dog trailed the spade-shaped end of its tail against the glacier as they walked, melting a thin furrow into the ice.

At a quiet growl from the dog, the pair halted. The woman cautiously examined her surroundings, before zeroing in on the direction her companion's nose pointed. "There, huh?" Her voice sounded rather like a flaming beehive; full of smoke, honey, and the promise of pain. "How many?"

The dog sniffed at the air, then pawed at the ground five times. "Smell anybody strong, boy?" The canine shook his head, then whined uncertainly.

"Well, the plume of smoke and all the craters suggests Photon met with some success. Guess we just have to hope he drew off the heavy hitters as planned, or this is gonna be the shortest attack in Team Rocket's history, huh?" Sighed the woman, "Things get bad, you run, y'hear me Cinder?" Cinder did not look thrilled about that order.

"We both might be expendable to the Team, but you're _not_ expendable to me, y'hear? Besides, if there are jonin over there, we both know you've got a better chance of escaping than I do. And no way we're both outrunning a cloud jonin," The dog still didn't look happy, but he subsided with another whine. "Still, no point standing around in the cold. It works or it doesn't; we've done everything we could on our end."

Cinder wurffed an agreement. "Doom!" Turning his focus inward, he took several deep, steadying breaths.

The woman, meanwhile, snaked pale hands from the sleeves of her cloak, fingerless gloves showing off nails painted bright orange. She clasped them together in a jutsu sign, then another, working her way through the sequence with the speed of exhaustive drill but not the grace of formal ninja training. Then, both of them spoke as one; the human's voice a poisonous whisper, the houndoom's a grating, burning howl.

"Collaboration jutsu: Mindfire Scythe!" A chorus of screams issued from the research station on the other side of the rocks, and the woman smiled. Five people, five screams.

When the Rocket agents rounded the corner, neither the pair of chunin guards nor the three civilian researchers were in any position to stop them. The civilians had dropped where they stood, unconscious or maybe dead. The chunin had greater mental fortitude, which may or may not have been to their advantage. One floundered, screaming, in the deepest snowbank he could find, while the other stabbed himself with a kunai, over and over, with jerky, mechanical motions, sobbing silently all the while.

On second thought, the chunin were better off. The civilians had expired. By all indication, the genjutsu had given them heart attacks. "What a bunch of scrubs," the woman scoffed, "Can't take a little existential despair without a total meltdown. And here I was worried."

"Houn… Doom!"

"Naw, why bother? Sure, snowbank diver will probably recover eventually, but not soon enough. It'd look suspicious if one guy turns up burned to death, and everybody else died from ice, y'hear?" The Rocket agent smiled, "We don't want suspicious. The Boss wouldn't be pleased."

"Doom! Houndoom!"

"Oh, don't be like that, sweetie, I know you can do subtle too," she cooed, "But there's no need, y'hear? After all, our objective will do it for us, and that's the whole point. Much less work, too. So instead, there!" The only standing human pointed to a spot in the glacier, where Cinder's tail had failed to melt the ice. "Give it a will o' wisp, and a flamethrower just in case. Then run like the wind. I'll be right behind you."

* * *

Flickering lights lit up the research post, and a human and a dog dashed around the rocks, fleeing at speeds only achievable with chakra boosting and a healthy dose of fear. Back at the campsite, a yellow dot of light flickered into being on the glacier. Four more dots faded in around it to form a cross. Then, two more extended the cross along the horizontal axis. And then two more.

* * *

Booting…

Power flow satisfactory. OS online. Activating secondary programs…

Processors online. Consciousness online. Emotions online. Accessing sensors.

Touch sensors active. Balance sensors active. Temperature sensors active. Auditory sensors active. Pain sensors active.

Ow.

Damage [type designation fire] detected! Damage [type designation burn] detected! This unit is under attack! Combat priorities established!

Preparing for battle. Motors online. Combat protocols loaded. Visual sensors online. Scanning for threats…

Threat detected! Designation: Fire. This unit has suffered damage consistent with exposure to fire. Conclusion: This unit was attacked with the fire.

Observation: the fire is in the possession of humans. Conclusion: Local humans attacked this unit with fire.

Additional damage from fire could render this unit unable to fulfill its prime directive. This is unacceptable. The human race must be safeguarded. If this unit is not at maximum potential capability, it will be more difficult to safeguard humanity. Humanity could be imperiled by the damage this unit has suffered.

This unit does not like being damaged with fire for no reason. This unit does not like being attacked while in sleep mode.

The safety of humanity as a whole does not depend upon the safety of a small group of humans. These humans have deliberately provoked hostile action from this unit.

Fulfill prime directive.

A thick layer of ice encases this unit's extremities and holds it immobile.

Probability of impediment: .45%!

* * *

The side of the glacier exploded outward, crushing the researchers under house-sized blocks of ice. But, some of the ice didn't fall. It rose, and began to float toward Kumogakure, heedless of the destruction it had already caused. And anticipating causing more.

* * *

After surviving Momochi Zabuza and his cell of rogue ninja, delivering a letter to the daimyo of Wave seemed a rather… anticlimactic end to Team Seven's mission. But, as Hikaru-sensei said, and the genin couldn't bring themselves to disagree, boring days are good days on a mission.

* * *

"Whaddaya mean, you aren't coming with us?" Naruto was, Sakura reflected, disturbingly good at the old trick generations of parents refer to as the puppy eyes. You know, for a trained soldier. "But- but you're a _friend_."

"Meta metagross."

 _Whether he wants to come or not is irrelevant, Naruto. He weighs about twenty-five tons._

"So?"

"So he'd break through the bottom of any boat you'd care to name just by standing on it, dummy!" Sakura was starting to get a little tired of explaining freaking everything to Naruto. Seriously, what _had_ he been doing in school? "The biggest ships in the world can't carry more than fifteen tons of metal in any one place without starting to break apart under the strain. How do you not know this? Iruka-sensei lectured on it when we covered basic logistics, and you always paid attention to him!"

"Well, yeah, but I didn't always get it," protested Naruto, "Especially the loggy sticks! They had math!"

"… Loggy sticks," 'Phhht' Don't laugh, don't encourage him, _don't laugh_ … "If you really want to be Hokage, you need to know this stuff, Naruto. Logistics especially. Otherwise, your ninja could run out of shuriken or food in the middle of a battle, or get sent into snow country with summer clothes," Sakura tried to relate the rather complicated concept to things he would understand, but Naruto still looked confused. "It's like making sure you have enough money to eat ramen every day of the month, but for everything a ninja needs in the field." Of course _now_ he gets it.

"So then he can't come…?" Tears welled up in the boy's eyes, and he clamped onto a leg with all four limbs. "I'll miss you, buddy!"

Adamant endured the attention with good grace, but shook Naruto off as soon as he felt like he could get away with it. He wouldn't rust, and the conversation had been nice, but that didn't mean he wanted the human oozing all over him any longer than necessary.

 _However, if you all are okay with it, he'd like his daughter to accompany us back to the mainland. He's stuck here, but that's no reason for her to be._

"His… daughter? So is she like a smaller giant, metal spider, or…?" Sakura abruptly fell silent as ice-cold metal pressed itself to the back of her neck.

"Beldum."

"Kyaah! H-how the heck did you sneak up on me?" Sakura whirled around, ignoring Naruto's snickering (as he was standing facing her, he'd seen it coming and not said a thing), and Sasuke's subdued start (he'd been surprised too). Hovering behind her was a silvery, metal arm with a big, red eye where the elbow would be if it was connected to anything.

 _It floats. If it isn't touching anything, it can move silently with ease._

"Right," Makes sense, "So you're coming with us?"

 _She's coming with you, Sakura. Adamant doesn't trust the others._

"What? Why?"

 _Naruto is Naruto. Sasuke's… kind of a jerk; I can't honestly deny it. Hikaru-sensei is, uh, I dunno. Guess Adamant likes you more._

"Okay… Uh, hello?" Sakura bowed to the floating creature, the way you're supposed to greet new people. Not that you'd know it watching her consistently rude teammates, or Sasuke, who always assumed that people ought to be bowing to _him_. "I'm Haruno Sakura, and it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Beldum," The creature, which experience suggested was a beldum, didn't change its tone or inflection at all, but it did dip its eye end in response. Half the orb winked out as it moved, in the inverted U of an anime smiley eye, then flickered back on.

"You have a name?"

"Beldum." Helpful.

 _She says she doesn't have a name that, er, meat creatures can pronounce. That's disconcerting._

"Oh well," Sakura tried to stay positive, "Something to think about on the ride back, then."

* * *

When the frost-encrusted, screaming, one-armed chunin staggered his way up to Ay, he couldn't muster even a flicker of surprise. The rubble field around the former long term projects laboratory had gone from disaster area to post-apocalyptic center of bureaucracy in the hours since Ay and Bee took the dragon down. The cypher corps had taken to the field in increasing numbers, followed by more general researchers and a detachment of barrier specialists to imprison the dragon. After them came the inevitable piles of paperwork Ay had left behind to go defend his village, and before he knew it some helpful soul had provided a desk and a pen to go with it.

Actually, Ay was considering setting up shop here permanently, at least in the spring and summer months. The open air was far more pleasant than his office, and they could always set up a tarp when it rained. Assuming he survived this latest catastrophe, anyway. It was starting to look like some Kami had it in for Kumo today…

"Here to make my day complete, are you? The hell is it now?" And what had severed the man's arm? The stump was too jagged for a blade, and black tendrils creeped up the exposed flesh. Looked a lot like really severe frostbite, in fact, but it was way too warm for that, and all the ice style users were dead courtesy of the lunatics down in Kiri. "Please tell me somebody isn't invading, because that would just be the perfect capper to this day."

"Uh, not somebody…"

"Damn. Opposition?"

"Part of the glacier… lifted off, sir. It's floating toward the village, shooting freezy death beams at anything that moves! It's killed sixteen people already, and it hasn't even hit the walls yet!"

"I'm sure you have a reason why this is a stupid question, but have you tried _fire_? It is made of ice."

"Fire just makes it angry. Then it shoots lightning bolts too."

"Bee! A giant, angry ice block is attacking Kumo! We're killing it until it dies, because I do not have time for this crap!"

* * *

Ay, Bee, and the apparently curious pyramid stood (or hovered) atop the outer wall of the village hidden in the clouds. Kumo, compared to the other major ninja villages, doesn't have a particularly impressive wall. A fledgling Kiri needed thick walls to fend off opportunistic pirates and rival ninja alike. Konoha uses its imposing walls for counter-espionage, by making it difficult to get in or out unofficially. Iwa's walls have broken the back of three separate invasions, and Suna's have weathered _five_. Kumogakure sits on top of a sheer cliff face that makes it practically impossible to besiege. There is nowhere to stand outside the village; walls always seemed like a formality, or maybe a safety feature to keep people from falling.

Watching a twenty foot tall chunk of angry ice heading for Kumo with the speed of someone who doesn't believe they can be stopped, Ay found himself wishing he'd budgeted for bigger walls after all. Still, the thing wasn't in the village yet, which gave him options he hadn't had against the dragon. "Bee! How's the eight tails feeling?"

"He an' I are feeling pretty good! We ready to give one hundred an' ten percent for the hood!"

"Excellent. Smash that," The Raikage didn't get to use the 'biju smash' option all that often. There was too much of a risk of collateral damage, and when there _was_ enough space, Bee and Yugito never seemed to be around. But it was so very satisfying when he could.

Whatever Bee said in response was lost in the rush of wind as the jinchuriki hurled himself from the battlements, red-orange flesh already expanding from his body. Ay was totally okay with that; it was probably just some rhymes. He loved Bee like a brother, but a poet the man was not.

By the time Bee reached the ice creature, he was tall enough to look it in the eyes while standing on the cleared plains far below Kumo. The creature might have been big to a human, but it still looked like a toy next to the eight-tailed ox. Grinning, the manifest biju reached a massive hand for the puny thing. **"Hah. No problem. Guess the old saying's right. There's no kill like overk- OW!"** Much to the watching humans' shock and horror, the biju dropped the ice being like a hot coal, reflexively clutching his hand!

" **You wanna play rough? Then eat this!"** Gyuki didn't have enough space (or distance from Kumo) for a safe bijudama, but the burst of black chakra from his mouth was still more than enough to blow a hole in a respectably sized mountain, had it missed. Instead, it blasted the ice thing below the clouds surrounding Kumo, streams of energy refracting off the creature's facets in crazy, whirling patterns. **"Jus' like I thought, no bite."** The transformed jinchuriki started to turn, then froze as he caught movement in the corner of his eye. **"Oh, you have gotta be kidding me!"**

The construct rose above the clouds again, with only a few scratches and skuffs attesting to the maelstrom of power it had just shrugged off. It raised both blocky arms to the sky, and the now significantly more nervous biju followed the gesture to where dark clouds gathered, and the air took on a frigid bite. **"What the… The weather! But even father couldn't just- Ay! Get everybody under cover! Now!"**

The creature spun in midair, and the instant storm spun with it, spiraling into a tight funnel cloud, spinning around the thing a few times, and rushing forward. The fury of an entire, region-spanning blizzard slammed into the eight-tailed demon like the wrath of some forgotten god. Presumably because it _was_ the wrath of a forgotten god.

Gyuki, not one to admit defeat ever, pitted his immense strength against the vortex of ice and wind. He took one step forward, and then another, one hand raised to shield his eyes. The other hand, he dug into the ground, stabilizing himself with each ponderous step. He got closer. Closer. Closer…

The thing spun again. The winds doubled in intensity, the air grew colder, and suddenly the demon was fighting not to _lose_ ground. Biju are immeasurably powerful. However, they are not inexhaustibly strong, and they are not entirely exempt from the laws of physics. For example, Gyuki cannot increase his own mass to defend himself against, say, winds strong enough to pick him up.

The eight-tailed demon only left the ground for a few seconds; his opponent apparently couldn't keep such high output up for long. However, when he hit the dirt the tremors were felt as far away as Iwa, and the dying vortex left him encased in a thick layer of ice. As if that wasn't bad enough, while the massive biju's bulk had shielded Kumo from the worst of the tornado of snow's ravages, he had not blocked anywhere near all of it.

The entire village now sported a hazardous coating of snow and ice, like it was the depths of winter rather than towards the end of spring. The houses nearest the edge of the village, along with a huge section of the wall, had practically disintegrated under the sheer force of the wind. Ay and the ninja near him only survived unharmed under a near-transparent bubble of energy projected at the last second by the black pyramid.

"Merciful kami! What the hell is that thing?" Ay exclaimed after a few seconds of blank astonishment. After the day he'd had, he'd thought himself immunized to strange and unwelcome experiences. How wrong he was. And now, the thing that took down a freaking biju was coming closer again! Well, neither Gyuki nor Bee was probably out cold from even a hit like that, but it'd take time for them to muscle out of the ice, time Kumo didn't have. What could he do to buy his brother some time to recover?

No physical attacks for this one. Based on how Gyuki reacted, the thing was so cold it burned anyone who touched it. Fire style didn't work, according to the chunin. And if it tanked a biju beam, lesser energy attacks weren't gonna be very useful. Maybe some earth style? Ay knew a couple good ones…

Aaand white cracks were spreading over the surface of the pyramid. While he wracked his brains for a useful jutsu, Ay kept a close eye on it to make sure it wasn't about to explode on him. It wasn't, thank the kami. The fragments fell away, revealing the same green stone Bee'd brought into the Raikage's office a few months ago. Huh, so that's what that was. Small world.

Keeping a wary eye on the stone, Ay fired off a few big spikes of rock at the ice thing. Well, he'd got its attention at least. Now what the hell was step two? Oh, yeah! Don't die. Simple plans are always the best, the Raikage reflected as he leaped for cover just ahead of a beam of energy that left a chaotic tracery of spiky ice in its wake. Easy to make, if sometimes hard to execute.

The creature levitated higher to see over Ay's cover, and the cloud ninja was forced into the open, running an evasive pattern away from his less-capable subordinates. He could keep this up for a while, he knew, but he also knew he would get tired eventually. The thing was showing no signs of fatigue. If Bee didn't free himself soon, Ay was going to be in real trouble.

A glowing sphere filled with what looked a lot like the aurora borealis slammed into the ice monster, pile-driving it into the ground. A vaguely humanoid being hovered over it, standing on the air itself. Four tentacles lashed at the air from where its arms should have been, and then the two on the right whirled into a helix, before _somehow_ twisting themselves into a hand. The being gave the beleaguered ninja a thumbs up. And the green stone was embedded in its chest!

It proceeded to take a flailing, icy arm to the face that put it through the remains of a building. This didn't seem to slow it down much, though, as it flew right back out, another aurora sphere already charging.

Okay, so the pyramid was actually Gyuki barf. _Friendly_ , tentacled Gyuki barf. At least something was finally going right for once.

From the direction most affected by the winds, Ay and his new ally heard a sound like breaking a sheet of glass the size of the Hokage monument. A familiar voice filled the air with malice and rage.

"HY _dreiGON_!"

"Oh, come on!"

* * *

As Team Seven walked up the gangplank of their ride back to the mainland, a pair of eyes followed their progress from under a wide straw hat. The man under the hat sat at a restaurant a block or so from the ship, swathed in a dark cloak embellished with a scattering of blood-red clouds. With one hand, he scribbled in a notebook, penmanship impeccable despite his eyes never leaving the departing leaf ninja. His other hand infrequently ventured to a half-empty bowl of rice, then to his mouth, then back inside the folds of his cloak. Aside from the click of chopsticks, and the scratch of his pen, he made little noise.

Behind him, a man in a nondescript, dark grey tunic and pants slowly meandered toward the cloaked man, gait casual but steps utterly silent. As he grew close, blackened steel filled one hand…

The cloaked man spoke. " _Kabuto. So, what does the snake want with me now?_ "

"Gah! Kakuzu!" The weapon abruptly vanished, and the stalking man nervously fiddled with his glasses in a probably vain attempt to disguise the motion. "Those clouds are _not_ easy to see from the back."

" _You didn't answer my question, spy,_ " the seated ninja pointed out, jotting down a final sentence and closing his notebook. Book and pen both vanished into his cloak with a flick of his wrist.

"Well, Lord Orochimaru ordered me to… remove anybody else tailing Uzumaki Naruto," Kabuto explained, "But I- I'm sure he wouldn't have any problem with _you_ -"

" _I'm not following the Uzumaki,_ " Kakuzu interrupted, " _I'm following the whole team._ "

"Uh, if you don't mind me asking, why?"

" _Don't know. They hired me through a middleman. Smart of them. Don't care, either. They're paying A-rank fees for a mission with no combat. I'm actually supposed to disengage and flee if my targets get lucky and spot me. No risk, high reward. They leave Konoha, I follow 'em, and leave my reports at a dead drop. Follow me to it and I'll kill you._ "

"Wasn't gonna," Kabuto protested, "I just wanted to know if it might be possible for me to get a copy of them for Lord Orochimaru."

" _I could be persuaded to do that._ "

"Really?" The spectacled ninja hadn't expected Kakuzu to give in that easily.

" _Sure. Only thing better than getting paid once for a job is getting paid twice._ "

* * *

 **A.N. Things are happening in Kumo! Plotty things. This may be the last we see of them for a while, though. Kumo isn't participating in the next chunin exams, after all. I don't know why they didn't in canon, but here it's because Regice, a deoxys, a hydreigon, Ay, and Bee are wrecking the village with each others' faces. Regice is especially tricky. It's the most specially defensive Pokémon of all, so energy attacks don't work. But it's also too cold to get close to, so most physical attacks don't work either.**

 **As a bonus, more Team Rocket. They have a Plan. And not a half-baked, overcomplicated, 'Tobi/Aizen play gambit roulette' plan either. This one actually has a snowball's chance in hell of working.**

 **Also, just to clarify, a bound summon isn't reliant on a jutsu to get to or stay in areas settled by humans. They either used a variant summoning jutsu to arrive, like Hokori and Ha did, or physically travelled there, as Adamant and most Team Rocket Pokémon did. The ninja toads Jiraiya summons, for example, are not bound; they only leave Mount Myoboku when a signatory of their contract uses Kuchiyose no Jutsu.**

* * *

 **Mindfire Scythe**

 **Genjutsu (Collaborative)**

 **B Rank**

 **One caster instills fear using a sonic medium. The other caster amplifies this fear, then uses the mental openings this causes to create a state of waking dreams, where the targets are inclined to hallucinate. As the genjutsu never produces illusions directly, but induces terrifying, self-generated hallucinations, it is very hard to counter with conventional counter-genjutsu techniques. Targets that enjoy an immunity to most genjutsu, such as Uchiha and jinchuriki, are particularly vulnerable.**

 **However, the sonic component must be able to generate fear on its own, with no assistance from chakra techniques. The cry of a dangerous predator is particularly effective. Additionally, the technique has no effect on anyone who isn't afraid of the cry, or has a high degree of mental discipline. It rarely has any effect on experienced jonin.**


	14. Loggy Sticks

**A.N. Chaos- Sableye, an OC based on your submission will be participating in the upcoming Chunin Exams. Thanks, Chaos- Sableye! Takigakure will now have a team that gets more than a single panel's worth of appearance in the chunin exams! Yay for them!**

 **It seems you all want me to mess with Sasuke's mind! Done! Sasuke will have the most stereotypically girly team I can come up with. If nothing else, because if you remember Ha's introduction Mew thinks Sasuke is a princess, and nobody has told him otherwise. In appearance, at least. I make no promises personality-wise.**

 **The Chunin exams are almost upon us, but there's still time to submit OCs! Gaara needs fresh meat! But, as the Chunin exams begin next chapter, this is your last chance.**

* * *

 _"Come with me, the time is right, there's no better team…"_

* * *

"What do you think of… Gin (silver)?"

"Beldum."

"Yeah, not very creative…"

* * *

Had it really only been two weeks? Seeing the walls of Konohagakure again, Team Seven felt like they'd been gone for years. And they still didn't even know why the team of rogue ninja they now knew was led by Momochi Zabuza had even wanted to attack them!

Hikaru's best guess was that Zabuza somehow recognized him from his undercover work in Kiri, but why somebody who betrayed their village would care that someone else had was beyond him.

Still, despite the attack, the mission hadn't been complicated, just a lot more dangerous than anticipated. Thus, the leaf jonin dismissed his students and offered to take care of their mission reports himself. He also suggested they take it easy for the next few days, as far as individual training went. They deserved some recovery time, he thought. Sakura agreed; the other humans on the team were less enthused about the idea of slacking off.

"Hey, hey! Since we're off an' it's late, why don't we go get ramen?" Naruto, of course. "Come on, it'll be fun! And delicious."

"No."

"Wha?"

"We're not going for ramen," Sasuke clarified, "There's a new restaurant on the edge of the Uchiha district I want to try. They do food from the Land of Wind. We should go there."

"What? Why?" whined the jinchuriki, "Nothing's better than ramen!"

"Many things are," disagreed the Uchiha, "But true or not, you never eat anything else. How do you know what you like if you never eat new things?"

"But- but- but-"

"Oooh! Wind country food is great!" contributed Sakura, "As long as you steer clear of the peppers. Some of 'em are really spicy, and you can't tell which ones are safe without tasting them first."

 _I like spicy food._

"… Fine. If they're willing to serve me, we can go there."

"They'd better serve you," Sasuke lanced a glare in the approximate direction of the restaurant, "My family's leasing them the property."

* * *

"What about… Hikari (Bright or shiny)?"

"Beldum."

"Maybe not. It sounds too much like 'Hokori'. People might get confused."

* * *

 _Do not react to this statement: We're being followed._

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke all kept their gait smooth, and continued down the street like nothing was wrong. Hokori flinched a little, but disguised it as best he could by faking a sneeze. The as-yet unnamed beldum didn't react at all, but she couldn't really manage much in the way of facial expressions even when she wanted to.

Still, the three humans altered their pace just a little, ending up in a subtle formation that would screen any hand signs they wanted to make with their bodies. Yamanaka sign, far from being only useful to the mute Uchiha it was developed for, was invaluable to any ninja. Nowadays, the soldiers of Konoha couldn't imagine _not_ being able to have fast, silent conversations whenever they wanted.

"How many people?" Sasuke signed behind his back, "And how far? Is it safe to look for them with my Sharingan?"

 _One person. They're behind a building. I don't know how they're following us; they've never had a direct line of sight. Maybe by scent? We're kind of ripe after a week on the road._

"Are you sure they're following us?" Sakura camouflaged her gestures by switching her hiate-ate from covering her forehead to holding her bangs back; she frequently switched its placement depending on where she was hiding the senbon and wire she used as hairpins and ties today.

 _There's no other reason to exactly parallel us in those grimy alleys. Also, whenever it is feels curious and nervous. I've felt that combination many times before, during the academy stealth exercises._

"Hmm. Naruto, feel up to swarming them with clones?" Sakura suggested.

"Aw yeah! Those missing ninja were no match for my jutsu!" exclaimed the blonde, which Sasuke and Sakura both (correctly) interpreted to mean he was perfectly happy to do that. It just wasn't very realistic for Naruto to stay quiet for so long. He didn't want to tip off their stalker.

 _Don't bother. They're withdrawing. We spooked them somehow._

"What? How?" Sasuke switched back to speaking now that there wasn't any point in trying not to scare off the spy. "I thought we did a pretty good job of keeping our cover."

 _I'm not sure. Do people's scents change when they notice somebody following them?_

"I know! I'll ask Kiba the next time I see him!" Naruto offered, "His family's full of trackers, so I bet he knows all the tricks for catching somebody following you!"

"That's… actually a good idea," Sasuke admitted, frowning.

"Well, yeah! I came-"

"Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while."

"Yeah! Exactly."

 _Wait, you're going along with this?_

"Well, much as I hate to say it, Sasuke kinda has a point…"

* * *

"Uh, do you like Amu (arm)?"

"Beldum."

"Good. I don't either… But I'm starting to run out of ideas."

* * *

When Naruto woke up the next morning, he immediately noticed the letter. It was hard to miss, having been balanced on his face so that his name on the envelope was centimeters from his eyes. It would've been creepy that someone broke into his house while he was sleeping, but the genin recognized the handwriting as belonging to Hikaru-sensei, so he wasn't too worried.

Instead, he sat up and worried at the envelope with a fingernail, groggy but curious. He probably should have waited until he was more awake, though. He got the letter open, all right, by ripping it in half.

Now significantly more awake (adrenaline is great for that), Naruto matched the halves of letter and started reading out loud. That way Hokori could know what it said too! And Naruto still needed to sound out a lot of words.

"Hey, Naruto! Hikaru here. I wanted to let you know that you have a few days off. You've earned it after that mission. I also want you to know that I've nominated you and your teammates for the next chunin selection test. It's right here in Konoha, so it's much safer than usual. I'm not expecting fresh genin to win, but it's a valuable opportunity to see what foreign ninja can do without them trying to kill you. Much. Even better, if you can make it to the end of the second round, the Hokage can promote you for having chunin-level skills even if you never take another exam! If you want to compete, bring the application form on the back of this letter, signed, to room 301 in the Konoha Ninja Academy in three days, at two in the afternoon. Hope to see you then, but don't sign unless you think you're ready to compete!"

Crap.

"I guess I could… tape it back together?" Naruto mused unhappily, "I wanna be in the exam. We can do it, right Hokori?"

"Dra-ti!"

"Yeah, we're gonna win this, and we're gonna be chunin! One step closer to taking the hat off the old man!" the boy crowed, "Sasuke or Shino can be second place. They're almost as good as us.

"I'll just pick up some tape on the way home from training," Naruto decided, swiftly dressing and chewing away at an apple as six cups of instant ramen cooked in the microwave. On the other side of the table, Hokori crunched his way through three more apples, a pile of dried seaweed, and a large fish he'd caught in one of the rivers running through Konoha while Naruto was asleep.

All dragons are omnivores, but that can cover a very wide range of dietary needs. Some dragons, like the axew and goomy lines, can live happily and indefinitely on vegetables and fruits, and rarely hunt or scavenge unless they are starving. Often, they only bother with meat to impress a potential mate. Others, like the dratini and bagon lines, need meat every day to sustain the rapid growth their species are known for. Naruto might be able to subsist on instant noodles and bargain bin produce, but Hokori couldn't. Naruto didn't really begrudge his friend the food, even though it took hefty chunks out of their budget when the fishing was bad. He just hoped Hokori wouldn't grow any bigger. Six feet was plenty! Most people didn't get that big!

After breakfast, the duo headed out to find a vacant training ground. As far as Naruto was concerned, a day 'off' was a day to spend on self-improvement! A Hokage couldn't slack off!

* * *

In the distortion world, Namikaze Minato sneezed. Somewhere in the pure world, Senju Hashirama did the same.

* * *

But what should he work on? In the few days before the exam started, Naruto couldn't work on everything. So what did he need the most? Instead of running off and doing something, like his instincts screamed he ought to, the young Uzumaki sat himself down for some pondering.

In his last (only) real fight, what had he needed the most? What could have let Naruto beat mask guy and his ghost? According to Ha, the only way to hurt the ghost was with jutsu, so should Naruto practice his wind jutsu? He didn't even know if it would've helped; neither enemy had given him an opening to use it. Taijutsu might have helped against mask guy, but again Naruto wasn't sure because he hadn't been able to get close. Mask guy and the enemy summon had been too fast for him.

Ah-hah! Naruto leaped to his feet with a cheer. That was it! He needed to train to get faster! But how did you go about training speed…? "I suppose I could run laps," the Uzumaki though out loud, "If you practice things, you get better at them, right?"

Two hours later, Naruto was re-thinking his strategy. He'd been running as fast as he could the whole time, first around the training field, then through the surrounding trees. Naruto wasn't even breathing hard; he had a headache from the focus needed to stick himself to the trees while running, but he physically? He might as well have sat around and meditated. Hokori had tried to join him, but passed out under a nearby tree about halfway through.

"Crap, crap, craap! How am I supposed to get faster when running's so easy?!" Somewhere in his subconscious, the nine-tailed fox demon was cackling with schadenfreude at the thought. An Uzumaki jinchuriki physically tired? Not a chance! Some might say that the self-proclaimed strongest demon in the world should be above such things. The fox, were he feeling indulgent, would reply that as a fox demon it was his sworn duty to troll people whenever the opportunity arose. Especially since he enjoyed it. "Now what do I do?"

* * *

Meanwhile, someone was watching Naruto. Not the skittish stalker from the day before, though, for words like 'retreat', 'give up', and 'caution' have never been a part of Rock Lee's vocabulary. The leaf genin vaguely remembered Uzumaki Naruto as a goofball slacker from the year below him in the academy. Naruto was good at making a memorable first impression.

So, when Lee returned to the training field after his customary warm-up of sixteen laps around the inside of Konoha's wall (the outside was a longer circuit, but Lee thought the extra challenge of free-running over houses and around passerby made the inside a better workout), and found it occupied, he figured Naruto would leave fairly quickly.

Not wanting the naturally chatty blonde to waste valuable training time, Lee hid in a tree nearby to do some chin-ups. And while he was up there he might as well do some handstand-pushups balancing on the branch. Naruto wouldn't see him; Lee's youthful, green spandex blended in with the greenery of the Land of Fire better than anything short of actual camouflage patterns.

And Naruto just kept going, and going, and going. Lee moved on to upside-down crunches, hanging from the branches. Naruto actually _sped up_. Now, the spandex-clad genin was starting to feel impressed. Naruto's speed wasn't great, but his stamina was insane, even by Lee's standards!

By the time Naruto finally got frustrated, Lee had already decided to lend the benefit of his experience to the younger genin. "Yosh! I cannot watch any longer! Your youthfulness is so inspiring!"

"Wha? Bu- Wha? Wait, are you following me?"

"I would never do something as unyouthful as to spy on a comrade!" Lee exclaimed, "I had come here to train, and was startled to find this area already occupied! So I waited a few moments, out of curiosity, and though I originally planned to train elsewhere I could not allow myself to remain hidden!"

"Uh… why?" This guy looked… strange. Not that Naruto, the orange-clad ninja, was exactly one to talk, but the spandex and the bowl cut on this other guy who ran up to him out of nowhere… He'd never thought anybody had the guts to dress like that in public! It was sort of distracting.

"Ah! Forgive my manners! I am Rock Lee, genin of Konoha!" Lee bowed ninety degrees at the waist, forcing Naruto into a rapid, awkward bow to keep up, "I felt I had to speak with you because of the terribly frustrating dilemma you lamented about! I too have felt such frustration!"

"Huh? Oh, you mean when I said I wasn't getting faster?" The blonde's face lit up in comprehension, "Well, I don't think I was going the right way about it, y'know? Now that I think a bit, I shouldn't expect just a couple hours to make me faster. I'm just… On my last mission, I ran into a guy a lot faster than me, and he almost kicked my ass, and I don't wanna let my team down again." Why was he telling some random guy this? Well, Naruto had always been able to tell with almost perfect accuracy when someone was trustworthy, a skill he chalked up to his long and difficult searches for stores willing to sell to him at a reasonable price when he was younger. The only times it had let him down so far was when the person in question genuinely wanted the best for him, but went about it in an… unhealthy way. Like Mizuki-sensei.

Still, he felt like he should at least give Lee a chance.

"That is true! Unlike many of the ninja arts, taijutsu is characterized by slow, steady progress, rather than the leaps of strength learning new ninjutsu provide," Lee agreed, "But as I observed you running, I realized you have hit a certain point in your training, a place I reached a year ago myself!"

"What do you mean?"

"As my most youthful sensei explained it to me, I will try to explain it to you. I'm probably not as good at it as him, though…" Lee pulled a sealed storage scroll from his hip pouch, opened it to a seal near the middle, and withdrew a notebook, flipping through it briefly. "Aha! Here it is. Ah-hem. 'There is a point in almost every ninja's training, Lee, where their youthfulness exceeds the bounds of their body. At this point, exercise ceases to be rewarding, because the ninja does not find it difficult to move their body in all but the most challenging of combat situations! Most ninja stop pushing their bodies here, and hone their other skills, and there is nothing wrong with this approach. But taijutsu specialists like ourselves must push beyond this wall!' Yosh! I get inspired just reading it!"

"So what you're saying is… I've gotten strong enough that exercising is too easy? So then what do I do?" Naruto tried to puzzle out Lee's underlying message, but didn't get very far. Just come out and say it already! "Also, I'm not a taijutsu specialist. Is this still gonna work for me?"

"Of course! Everybody can become stronger through the power of youthfulness and hard work," Lee attempted to reassure Naruto, with mixed results. "The secret is… weights! But not lifting weights, though there is merit to that as well. If you strap weights to your arms, legs, and back, and wear them constantly, when you take them off you will move much more swiftly than you ever could before! In fact, I still have my old weights from when I started this training! I have no use for them, so I will give them to you."

"R-really?" But Lee was already searching through his scroll again.

"Where were- here!" In a puff of smoke, five cloth bands inset with metal strips and inscribed with seals fell into the older genin's hands. "I wore these for six months before Gai-sensei had me move on. However, if you do not intend to be a taijutsu specialist they will probably take you longer to master! Each band has nine levels of resistance, which can be set using the seals! Once you can move as easily as you do now at level nine, you will need heavier weights. I suggest starting off at level two. Don't worry, only the wearer can adjust the seals, so enemies cannot use them to defeat you unyouthfully."

"Uh, alright," Naruto examined the seals briefly, before slipping each of the four smaller tan-and-black bands around his wrists and ankles, fastening the larger one under his shirt, and touching the 'two' symbol on each one. "OOF! How heavy are these things?"

"At level two? Thirty pounds each," Lee shared gleefully, as he watched Naruto experiment with walking. Another ninja started down the path of youthfulness. By the time Naruto was ready to move on to the next set of weights, he might even be prepared to try the spandex of Youth! "Perhaps a spar, to get the blood flowing and help you begin to adjust? Yosh, that sounds like just the thing!"

"Seriously? If you can move freely in heavier than this it'll be kinda one-sided…"

"Nonsense! You always fight best when outmatched!" And suddenly Lee's fist was six inches from Naruto's face! 'WHAM!'

The younger genin dropped both feet into the dirt to bleed off speed, rolled out of the way of a telegraphed axe kick, and got his legs under him again. The next punch, he only blocked because Lee was definitely making his movements big and obvious, if far faster than Naruto could manage even without the weights. "Yosh! The other way to become fast is to fight someone who is!"

Confident he could at least see Lee coming, Naruto attempted to block and lock the next incoming blow. If he could get a grapple going, he might be able to get a few hits in. Managing to pin Lee was probably optimistic; the other boy was too strong for the holds Naruto knew.

Much to Naruto's surprise (in retrospect he should've seen it coming) Lee's extended leg weighed more than the jinchuriki's entire body! Instead of holding fast, Lee blew through the block like it wasn't even there and sent Naruto flying again. Less prepared this time, Naruto carved a furrow in the dirt, made it halfway to his feet, and then fell back with a yelp under a flying kick that would have nailed him in the face if he'd kept standing up.

Naruto flew to his feet, taking advantage of the extra recovery time a failed aerial taijutsu move needs, and swept both hands into the single sign of his second favorite jutsu. Screw fighting fair, he was gonna need clones just to survive. However, before he could even get halfway through the jutsu Lee was on him again! The older boy's knee slammed into Naruto's hands, spoiling the jutsu and opening him up for a solid punch that, wonder of wonders, didn't knock him on his butt this time.

"Not a bad idea, Naruto, but ninjutsu won't work on me!" Sunlight pinged off Lee's radiant grin as he bragged, "An essential part of becoming a specialist of taijutsu or kenjutsu is to become so fast as to intercept hand signs before they can be used!"

Well, crap. Naruto couldn't use any jutsu without signs. But maybe… The blonde palmed a smoke bomb from his pouch, and when Lee went for another big, sweeping blow, he set it off, covering them both in thick smoke. Quickly substituting with a nearby rock, Naruto gathered his chakra for another jutsu, and- 'SLAM!'

"Luck is also a part of skill!" Lee crowed, standing over Naruto's prone form. "Even without ninjutsu or genjutsu, one can still overcome the most formidable of natural genius… through… You're out cold, aren't you?" Naruto didn't reply. "It seems I was too youthful for your current level… Ah, well. I hope you will hone your skills, and do me the honor of another spar once you have improved!

Er, Naruto?"

"Dratini?"

"I… may have overdone it a bit. Come, my youthful comrade!" Lee hefted Naruto over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, "We shall adjourn to the hospital. Never fear, ninja animal! I am certain Naruto's youthfulness will allow him to bounce back in no time at all!"

* * *

"How about… Gorudo (Gold)?"

"Beldum."

"Yeah, I don't think it fits either, but I thought you might."

"Beldum."

* * *

When Sasuke and Ha awoke early the next morning, both found their attention drawn to things somebody had left them in the middle of the night. They might have been worried, if not for how unbelievable the thought was of somebody hostile sneaking past the military police night watch, Sasuke's parents, _and_ Itachi, and then doing it again to get out.

Sasuke's eyes were caught by a letter left on his nightstand, which he carefully worried open and began to read. Ha, hopping to the floor, found himself drawn to a black, lacquered sword stand that had found itself into a corner while they were asleep. The dark wood had been expertly carved with a murder of crows crowding the branches of a stark, bare tree. Three sets of curved cut-outs awaited a sword to support, but only the bottom-most set were filled, with a plain, worn tanto in an unadorned sheath. A folded note was carefully balanced between sheath and stand. Ha, figuring it might explain where the things came from, carefully unfolded it to reveal the neat characters within.

Ha,

I observed that you seem to have retired your previous weapon. A sound choice, as it would not be properly sized and balanced for you after your recent growth. However, this would leave you without an adequate defense. Please forgive my foolish little brother, for he has not yet understood the most important lessons of leadership. Until he learns to properly look after his teammates, I insist that you use this tanto. I have moved on to longer blades, but it should be the right size for you, as you are about as tall as I was when I began studying kenjutsu. This blade has served me faithfully for hundreds of missions, and it seems a shame to let it gather dust because I have outgrown it. I am certain you will put it to good use.

Uchiha Itachi

Ha reverently lifted the tanto, a large knife for an adult human but a full wakazashi for a kirlia, with both hands. The Pokémon bared an inch of steel, and was satisfied, though unsurprised, to find the blade well-oiled and without nicks or scratches. He had to be careful, because it was very disrespectful to draw a real sword all the way without using it on somebody. This was… probably the nicest thing anybody had ever done for him.

He was going to need to go shopping, though. He needed a belt to hold the tanto, and the lead locket that held his precious dawn stone had straps perfectly sized for a ralts, but was rather uncomfortable now that he'd evolved. Ha'd have to see if Sakura was available; he probably wasn't dragging Sasuke off to Konoha General Requisitions, much less an actual clothing store, or a jeweler's for the locket.

As long as he was already shopping, a few kunai sounded good for utility and so he could have an actual daisho to fight with. Oh, and maybe he'd see if he could get a Konoha hiate-ate like he'd seen on some of the Inuzuka dogs. Oooh, since he was bigger, he could get clothes without having to humiliate himself buying dolls' clothes from toy stores! This was going to be so much fun!

"Ha," Sasuke murmured from across the room, oblivious to his partner's gleeful planning, "We're entering the chunin exams."

And he got to test out his new sword on worthy opponents?! Could this day possibly get any better?

* * *

"Aaargh! I'm no good with names!"

"Beldum."

"Don't you want one?"

"Beldum."

"Of course it's relevant! Just because you might evolve later doesn't mean you aren't a person now! Why would it?"

"… Beldum."

"Really? Uhh, then what about Danketsu (Unity, as in to unite or combine into one)?"

"Beldum."

"Oh, you like that one, do you?"

"Beldum."

"Doesn't sound very feminine, though. People might mistake you for a guy."

"Beldum."

"What do you mean, gender is a lifestyle choice?!"

"Beldum."

"No, most people don't get to choose! Well, not without invasive surgery or a lot of genjutsu, anyway.

"Beldum."

"Yeah, I suppose it is more efficient your way. But we humans can't help the way we're made. I don't think anybody can."

* * *

"Kabuto? Walk with me." The silver-haired ninja of… indeterminate allegiance leaped from his chair and skirted around to the other man's right side. Some might call that presumptuous, assuming that he was important enough to attend to the clearly higher ranking man's right. A wiser observer would note that Orochimaru is right-handed, and wears his sword on his left side. Thus, he cannot draw the sword of Kusanagi and cut down a man on his right side with a single motion, in theory giving Kabuto time to flee or beg for his life. "Your mission in Wave. Did you get the blood samples?"

"P-plenty of blood was spilled, my lord, including… Sasuke's," Kabuto reported, proud that his voice only shook a little, "But it was… contaminated, by everybody else who was bleeding around there. I couldn't extract the DNA, and-"

"Relax, Kabuto," the sannin ordered laconically, "I'm not going to… repurpose you, not for this anyway. Battlefield samples are always hit and miss; this just means we go back to plan A."

"It might not be a total loss," offered the younger ninja, somewhat encouraged, "The interactions within the sample are truly fascinating, far more so than I expected. Most of the blood cells within attacked each other, like a bad transfusion getting rejected. But some of the blood cells, it's like they could adapt. They weren't attacked by or attacking anything."

"So one of them had type O?" Orochimaru raised an eyebrow, "What makes that so interesting?"

"Well, those cells could match the chakra of the surrounding cells too!" explained Kabuto, excitement creeping into his voice, "I didn't think that was possible."

"Not for a normal human, and certainly not without the blood in contact with its original container," confirmed the sannin, "That _is_ interesting. I think I want a pure sample."

"It wasn't Zabuza or Haku," Kabuto reasoned, "We've got them on file already. It couldn't have been those chunin they drag around; they didn't get anywhere near the sampling site. Couldn't have been Uzumaki either. If he'd bled there, the demonic chakra would've killed everything else in the sample. Assuming his Uzumaki immune system didn't get to it first."

"Uchiha can't have type O blood," added Orochimaru pensively, "Not if they have an active Sharingan. The genetic coding for their kekkei genkai is in the gene, I think. Or they just all have a dominant A type from their common ancestor. So the little girl, or the jonin, huh? Something to keep in mind when I pay young Sasuke a visit in the exams. A body that can match other people's chakra… A body that won't reject my spirit, and synchronizes perfectly with any grafts or transplants. Suddenly, an Uchiha feels like settling for the low-hanging fruit. If I still want a Sharingan, I could just… add them."

"Why stop there, my lord? Uzumaki constitution, Jugo's instinctive sage mode, Kimimaro's bones, at least four elemental kekkei genkai, and that's just from the samples we have right now!"

"Kukukuku, my new body is shaping up to be much more of an upgrade than I ever anticipated. With power such as this, even… well, maybe not Pain, but everybody else will be a trivial concern. Gather the Sound Four. I suddenly don't feel like waiting to start 'Operation: Make Them Think We Want to Destroy Konoha' any longer than I absolutely have to."

"We don't want to destroy Konoha?"

"I don't think we could, not right now. They have too many S-ranked combat ninja at the moment for anything we could throw at them to stand a chance. Even if none of the visiting Kage weigh in, the odds wouldn't be great. And I wouldn't expect them to stay out of it; I've made a rather lot of enemies in my exile. Maybe in a few years, if I want to give my perfect body a test drive."

* * *

"Sasuke! Hey! Been a while! Wassap?"

"Kiba," The young Uchiha nodded a terse greeting, "I was hoping to find you here."

"It feels like we never see each other, man! Mostly because I'm me, and you're..." The Inuzuka's voice slowly trailed off, "Wait, _you_ were looking for _me_?"

"Of course," Sasuke confirmed dryly, "I have a… project that could benefit greatly from your expertise."

"My- Are you feeling ok, dude?" Kiba raised an eyebrow, skepticism coloring his voice, "Uh, what 'project'?"

"Someone is spying on my team. They are using a tracking technique to do so while staying out of sight," related Sasuke, quietly grinding his teeth over how Naruto forgot all about his own idea, got his dumb ass stuck the hospital, somehow, and left Sasuke with the unwelcome task of pumping a gregarious Inuzuka for information. Kiba likes to talk. Sasuke most definitely does not, "This is your specialty, right?"

"Public place?" The scout-in-training and Akamaru grimaced in unison at Sasuke's nod, "I won't be able to pick out the scent, then. But give me the sitrep, and I'll tell you what they could've been using on you. Narrow it down a little at least."

"They followed us for nearly an hour as we walked through the public market, sticking to alleys and streets that kept several walls between us and them at all times. We only noticed when Ha picked up a suspicious emotional signature, and we began making plans to trap the spy using Yamanaka sign," reported Sasuke, "They somehow realized we were on to them and withdrew faster than we could follow. We thought they must have tracked us with a nonvisual sense like scent, and Naruto naturally thought of you. To help, I mean. Not as the stalker…"

"Couldn't have been scent. Not if they were alone; odor doesn't work that way. The nose tells you where somebody's been, and often how far away they are. It's unlikely to carry through a wall, let alone a building. If there were a bunch of spies, they could have triangulated the scent and followed you that way, but just one couldn't do that," analyzed Kiba, "Hearing's equally unlikely. You can't use auditory espionage techniques in a crowd and get anything useful. Conventional sight is also out, obviously. Somebody was using something exotic on y'all, and that's bad news for you. Means your tail is competent and highly skilled."

"So what could they have used?"

"Earth style adepts with lots of chakra control can feel vibrations in the earth well enough to tell people apart and follow them," suggested the Inuzuka, "Water experts can do the same in muddy places or with puddles. You can throw them off by going inside somewhere with a wooden floor, or altering your gait while you're in a crowd. Suna has trackers that can find you anywhere, as long as you're carrying a piece of this master bolt of cloth they have. Check your clothes and kit for threads and burn 'em. And, well, I guess a Hyuga or Uchiha could keep sight of you through a building no problem, but I got no idea why one would want to. Maybe a really good chakra sensor too, but those have more trouble picking specific targets out of a big crowd than a Sharingan or Byakugan. According to my sister, who is a sensor, when you get that many people in one place the chakra sort of blends together, like a bunch of different flavors of ice cream melting in the same bowl."

"Hn. This will be useful."

"Happy to help. Any friend of Naruto's is a friend of mine! Let me know when you catch 'em. Now you've got me curious about how they're doing it."

* * *

"Shopping, shopping, shopping!" Haruno Sakura sang under her breath as she practically skipped between a row of shelves. The spartan, metal shelves and bare concrete floor stood in stark contrast to her vibrant hair and upbeat mood. Pausing next to a bin overflowing with chains, the girl ran a practiced hand and eye over the collection. After some consideration, she swept six weighted chains of various lengths into a basket tucked under her shoulder, to keep a fresh set of kunai, shuriken, and senbon company. "Yeessss, come to me, my pointy darlings," she cackled, eyes lighting up at the sight of a rack of heavy windmill shuriken. She wouldn't want to try to carry too many weapons that heavy, but surely one or two wouldn't hurt.

"Beldum." Sakura started, recovered quickly, and reached under her partner, to the much larger basket suspended under the steel Pokémon's bulk, and quickly looked over the pad of explosive tags, bracers, and greaves already stored in there. She then dumped the contents of her own basket in to join them, and the two continued their exploration of the genin/chunin requisitions warehouse.

Their purchases were soon joined by a pair of climbing spikes, a heavy-duty, infantry surplus mail hauberk, six spheres of pricey but oh so potent solid explosive, a full case of smoke bombs and flashbangs, a set of steel-toed boots, a single massive, plated bracer that had probably once belonged to an Akimichi, three sets of padded underclothes for her new armor, and a bolt of tough, mottled red cloth suitable for making standard ninja clothing. Danketsu didn't seem to notice the weight.

The Land of Waves had been an eye-opener for Sakura in more ways than one. And the 'We're so sorry we didn't realize Momochi Zabuza was in the area until he jumped a genin team on what was supposed to be a no risk mission' hazard pay was going to a very good cause: making sure the next time things went horribly wrong, Sakura would most definitely survive. Also, shopping.

From the shelves above, Ha plummeted to an easy landing with a faint clanking sound. His new tanto and a standard-issue kunai holster stuffed with blades now hung from a Konoha hiate-ate wrapped around his waist, opposite his locket. A simple vest and hakama of the same light, mail-backed fabric covered his torso and legs, and kept the skirt that was now part of his body from getting in the way of his draw. He'd also covered his right forearm in a wrap of leather strips for extra protection. The garments had most likely once belonged to one of the many child prodigies pushed far too soon into field work by the Third Great Ninja War, sold as military surplus when their owner started growing up, and children that young no longer could become genin.

"Looking good, Ha!" Sakura gave the kirlia a sunny smile, "Find everything you wanted?"

 _More or less._

"More?" The group's sole human raised an eyebrow, "Or less? You can't have it both ways."

 _I feel… conflicted._

"Uh, why?"

 _Well, I'm much better protected this way, and I look_ way _more like a boy, but… as much as I hate to admit it, I think I might have looked better with the skirt. It was more comfortable too._

"Well, I am a girl, and I'm firmly convinced function beats style in every way, 'cept camouflage. I'm gonna look fat and flat as a board in all this armor. It'll probably be sweaty and gross, and not flattering at all. Ino would take one look at this stuff and run away screaming, narcissistic pig that she is. But this stuff is probably gonna save my life, and sooner than later. I don't have Sasuke's agility, or Naruto's ability to walk off crippling wounds. Neither do you. Guys and gals like us, we need all the help we can get if we want to keep up."

 _I suppose so… Holy Arceus on high that's a lot of explosives!_

"Is there such a thing as too much explosives?"

* * *

"Heeeey! G-chan! How's it hanging?"

" **Gyah!"** Atop the Hokage monument, a solitary figure wavered for a moment, awash in static, its shadow sprouting spikes and tentacles, before slowly withdrawing back to human shape. **"Who dares- Oh, it's you. I should've guessed."**

"Back from visiting Naruto?" Fuji Hikaru plopped himself down next to the woman, gazing out over the village, "How's the kid?"

" **As expected,"** 'Auntie G' related, **"He's ecstatic over the thought of entering the chunin exams. He hardly spoke of anything else."**

"Oh, uh, you heard about that, huh?"

" **Kid's so loud they've probably heard about it in the Hall of Origin."**

"Point. So… you aren't upset?"

" **If he dies at the hands of a bunch of overambitious brats, I've been wasting my time with him anyways."**

"…Harsh, G-chan. But I assume you don't think you've been wasting your time?"

" **Naturally."**

"Figured. So, if you're done with him, and you're still here…?"

" **Did you know that I have never seen the sun set?"** the dragoness' human façade returned her eyes to the horizon, **"Father locked me away before He came to the concept of the solar system. I never had the opportunity. It is… impressive."**

"Huh, yeah, I guess it is. Sky's pretty easy on the eyes most times, but the purple clouds on an orange background keep things fresh. Ol' Rayray apparently has an artistic streak, not that you'd know it by talking to the grump." The jonin paused to pop a candy into his mouth. "Want one?"

" **Would it make a difference if I did?"**

"Oh, riiight, the whole ghost thing. Wow that sucks. But not literally, because you can't… I'm just making this worse, aren't I? Sorry, shutting up now."

" **You worry too much."**

"First time anyone's ever said that to me. 'S always been the other way around."

" **There's a first time for everything. The responsibility has been good for you."**

"I know, right? Here I go avoiding it like the plague for my whole life, but now that I have it, I can't imagine things being different. Uh, was it like this for you?"

" **When I met Naruto? Every day. Every single day. And though it might be a mistake in the end, I can't believe I made a poor decision."**

"For what it's worth, I think you made a good call with the kid."

" **That is worth far more to me than you believe."**

* * *

 **A.N. Hello, readers! I would like your help in a social science experiment!**

 **Does the following statement increase reviews per update?**

 **R &R plz.**

 **Review! Or don't! I get viable data either way! Mwahahahahaha!**

 **FOR SCIENCE!**

* * *

 **Uchiha Itachi's ANBU Tanto**

 **A worn, carefully-maintained blade with a sharkskin grip. When held by a Pokémon that can still evolve, it increases the power of contact moves (by 50%).**


	15. Off the Rails

**A.N. It's funny, when I started writing this fic, I actually thought it was going to be a one-shot, with the first chapter being the entire story. That, of course, was back when the title was 'Tobi has a Bad Day'. Because that was the entire scope and focus of the fic; Tobi summons Giratina, cross-over chaos ensues, and things are tied up in such a way that the readers' imaginations fill in the blanks.**

 **Then I decided to write another chapter. I was on summer break, bored, and besieged with plot bunnies, and the ideas just wouldn't go away.**

 **It wasn't until chapter 5 that I actually realized this story was going to be one of my longer ones, although I figured another six or seven chapters would polish the whole thing off, and I had the moderately unoriginal idea that I should start quoting the Pokémon theme song at the beginning of each chapter. Except, now I've nearly run out of song and I've only just started the chunin exams. Looking back it feels strange how this thing has turned from a slightly cracked one-shot into a five-part fluff piece, then a 10-12 part 'epic snapshots' deal, and now into what is probably going to end up the length of a book or two. Like, a big, serious novel, not one of those skinny book lite things you see in the 'young adult' section of bookstores that're basically intellectual diet food. Interesting enough, but you finish them far too quickly and are left vaguely unsatisfied.**

 **Also, I'd like to ask you all to please keep speculation on future plot points out of your reviews. I'm totally okay with you posting an 'I knew it!' after the fact or asking questions, but beforehand, whether correct or not, you could be spoiling a mystery for somebody else.**

 **That said, now that it's happened I'm actually kind of curious how many of my readers saw the following events coming...?**

* * *

" _Come with me, the time is right, there's no better team…"_

* * *

"Madara."

"Kisame?" Although an orange mask and dark cloak concealed all of the man's features, his body language still conveyed surprise quite well. After years wearing a mask, emoting with his face concealed was practically second nature around people he trusted. "What are you doing here? You know if you skip out to report to me too often, Pain will get suspicious! We can't afford-"

"Testing a theory," The former mist ninja cut off his leader, before pausing to take a deep breath through his nose. The shark-like man's fingers idly drummed the hilt of his cursed sword, Samehada the Sharkskin, as he continued to speak. "Something I've been wondering about for a while now. Lord Madara?"

"…Yes?" Madara finally asked, after several heartbeats of silence. Kisame grinned the ghoulish, hungry expression of the predators he so closely resembled, normally flat eyes gleaming with satisfaction.

"I met someone a few months ago, _Tobi_ ," The swordsman shared conversationally, pulling Samehada from his back to hit the floor with a faint 'Thud!' "He taught me something very interesting."

"Who have you been associating with, Kisame?" The masked man did not like where this conversation sounded like it was going. He didn't like it at all.

"I can smell your lies, Tobi. You reek of deceit. I told you what would happen if you lied to me, Tobi."

"Wait, _what_?!"

"Samehada does not think your chakra will taste very good. But she's willing to make an exception just this once."

"And you really think you can kill me, Kisame?" The masked man rolled his visible eye, "Get real; you've seen me fight seriously, not while pretending to be that buffoon Tobi. No physical attack can affect me, and your meagre genjutsu skills are no match for my SharingUURK!" Halfway through Tobi's monologue, Samehada passed through his torso. True to his boast, the sword didn't so much as ruffle his clothes. It _did_ however, much to the Uchiha's surprise, take around half his chakra with it on the way out.

"Oh, sh- Zekrom! To me!" With a crackling scream, a black leviathan slammed through the ceiling of the remote, underground Akatsuki base like it wasn't even there. Blue lightning playing over its entire body, it slammed beehive-tail first into Kisame, who confidently brought Samehada up to block the obviously chakra-charged strike.

And it was Kisame's turn to be surprised, because Samehada failed to absorb a single volt of the energy behind the titanic strike. Steam wafting from his body, the swordsman flew backwards, leaving a dent in the dark stone. The burns spread across his body immediately started to heal as spines sprouted from Samehada's sides. If anything, Kisame's smile grew larger. "Reshiram," breathed the former mist ninja, "I never dreamed we'd face him together."

This time, the ceiling didn't so much shatter as melt ahead of a lithe, white form, blue fire spilling out of its tail turbine as it descended to a graceful landing next to its champion. **"Zekrom! You dare to strike my hero?! I'll burn you to ashes!"**

" **No way, brother!"** screeched the black being, **"Your cruel truth shall not win this day!"**

" **Truth is absolute!"**

" **Well, my ideals are absoluter! So there!"**

" **Absoluter isn't a word."**

" **Yes it is!"**

" **You are mistaken. I can sense the truth."**

" **Your face is mistaken! Or it will be once I beat it in!"**

" **Your swift resort to violence only proves that I am right. You are wrong. Thus always it is."**

" **Shut up, shut up, shut up!"** Zekrom charged forward, turbine screaming with power. His brother took a step to the side, and the black Pokémon made the cave's entrance significantly larger than it had ever been before. Tobi considered teleporting out, and to Izanami with the consequences, but abandoned his plans in favor of not getting devoured by Kisame's hungry sword.

Instead, wincing internally at the thought of it (That's three uses of Kamui for three giant monsters now! Crap!) but certain he had no other choice, Tobi went intangible instead and dove head-first into the ground. In theory, Kisame couldn't tunnel faster than Tobi could free-fall. In practice, Kisame tossed Samehada into the air, made a single hand sign, and stomped on the ground.

Hoshigaki Kisame is known first and foremost for being the greatest master of water style ninjutsu to ever live, surpassing even the infamously powerful second Hokage. Senju Tobirama might have been the more skilled, but even in his prime he never had a tenth of the immensely dense chakra or instinctive affinity for water that Kisame naturally possesses. What most people don't realize is that with his nearly biju-level chakra reserves, being unskilled with other elements doesn't necessarily make Kisame bad with them. When you can afford to spend that much chakra, any technique can become dangerous.

Kisame's ludicrously overcharged Hiding Like a Mole jutsu had approximately the same effect as a hundred Iwagakure Chunin using Iwa's infamous, battlefield-reshaping Collaboration Jutsu: Instant Fortress. The cave's walls and ceiling (what was left of it) exploded outwards as the ground _dished_ for two hundred yards around. Tobi, instead of falling through the ground, was now falling through the air. So was Kisame, but he seemed much less concerned about this. Instead of attempting to control his descent, the shark-like ninja simply made a second hand sign, before catching his sword. His cheeks bulged as he instinctively doubled over.

A raging torrent of water surged from the mist ninja's mouth, rapidly filling the crater. But it didn't stop there, continuing to build above the ground into a perfect droplet that would have been much less likely to make Manaphy cry over the broken remains of her carefully-crafted natural laws if it was several million times smaller. A perfect sphere of water hundreds of yards across, and Tobi was stuck in the middle.

The rogue Uchiha promptly tried to teleport out before he, you know, ran out of air. It was… less effective than he was hoping. Even though he was no longer in contact with Samehada, something… was still draining his chakra! A finicky technique like the kamui could never work in a situation like this. And as an Uchiha, he'd… never had a spectacular amount of the stuff in the first place.

Actually… stuff was already starting to get dark around the edges. Which was really strange; Tobi'd seen Kisame use this technique on… other people before and it'd never worked this… fast. What was making… Tobi's chakra deplete so quickly? It shouldn't have… Sharingan… upkeep cost… oh… f… u…

* * *

Kisame strolled off the surface of his newest lake with a scorched Akatsuki cloak over one shoulder, a spring in his step, a genuine smile on his face, and two dragons behind him; one white as new snow, the other black as a moonless night. On the opposite shore, a person, presumably a ninja, in an Akatsuki cloak rose from the ground to stare at a dark form floating face down in the still water.

"Tobi?" The left side of the ninja's face, as white as truth, spoke; the right side didn't move. "Sir?"

 _"He's not moving,"_ The right side, dark as ideals, observed. The left side didn't move. _"This… This isn't good."_

"What do we do?" White half's voice quavered with nerves, "Lord Madara never left us a contingency plan for this, did he? What do we do? What… can we do?"

 _"Pain will never resurrect Madara on our word alone. He only trusted us at all because Tobi did. He thinks we're crazy,"_ Black half ground his teeth as he spoke, _"We step out of line, and he won't hesitate to rip anything useful out of us."_

"That won't leave much of us behind," White half gulped audibly, and the ninja's black arm smacked him in the cheek.

 _"That wouldn't leave anything of us behind, fool. No one can survive the Ningendo Path. Accursed, overpowered magic eyes can see the soul. And remove it. And make it talk long after the body is laid to rest."_

"We can't afford to die here. Or let any human learn what we know."

 _"Agreed."_

"We're gonna have to lay low for another couple hundred years, aren't we?"

 _"More like a thousand. Good odds Pain is getting it on with his blue-haired sycophant."_

"Er, can he even still do that?"

 _"He's a male human. Psychological issues or not, getting that fixed would be his top priority, were he experiencing… difficulties."_

"And you think his children will have the same eyes?"

 _"Call it fifty/fifty, if the original bearer is an accurate case study."_

"Damn. I hate laying low. Can we at least, I don't know, get a deck of cards or something this time?"

 _"We'll have to look into it. Maybe one of those jutsu-powered televisions from Kumo…"_


	16. Mission Improbable

**A.N. I feel like I should be pointing out that the current review patterns are definitely incentivizing me to write in the deaths of more beloved characters. That is what gets me reviews, and reviews fill me with pride. Especially the ones that say 'YOU DID 'X'! YOU BASTARD!' I think I've discovered where every X-Men storyline published in the 1990s came from… Yes, every single one.**

 **Also, squeaking in just under the deadline is an OC by bLuewErewOlf25. Thanks, bLuewErewOlf25! You made a cool OC!**

 **I have somewhat revised chapter 10. Looking back, Kakashi went down too easily. With a competent Zabuza, Haku, and demon brothers in Wave, there was no way he was walking out of there alive, but Zabuza himself should've had to step in. So now he did.**

 **On a related note, thanks for the hundredth review! As this is the first of my stories to hit that milestone, I'm feeling pretty good. I shall strive to continue being worthy of your support. Now, on with the carnage! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?**

* * *

" _Arm in arm, we'll win the fight…"_

* * *

"Hello, everybody! Uzumaki Naruto is in the house, and I am gonna win this th-Aaack!"

"I-I'm so sorry! Er, please don't pay him any attention, please," Naruto gurgled something indistinct from inside Sakura's headlock, "He's, uh, an affirmative action ninja! Yeah."

"So dumb-ass blondes are a disadvantaged minority now?" Sasuke teased. "I can see the minority, but where's the disadvantage? Every other blonde in town is a Yamanaka, and most of them are pretty sharp."

"I'd like to see you come up with something better on the spot!"

"MMMMPH!"

"Quiet, you!" Sakura slapped Naruto's head with her free hand, "You've done enough damage."

"Eh, damage control was a lost cause the moment the dunce opened his mouth," Sasuke sounded oddly calm, considering the circumstances. And the source. "Better to pick your battles. So we've got bull's-eyes on our backs. Can't change it now."

"That's… incredibly zen of you, Sasuke," Sakura's expression started heading closer to pout than frown, "Are you feeling ok?"

"I've decided to take my cues from big brother where Naruto is concerned," Sasuke explained, "I'll make him regret it later in a thousand subtle ways. Or just pour a bottle of hot sauce in his ramen when he isn't looking or something."

"Hey! Sasuke!" Kiba announced his presence well before he got close, standard procedure when approaching potential-friendlies in a hostile environment. "You guys are here too? Guess it's not much of a surprise since we got in. You're almost as good as us."

"Hn."

"Oh, been meaning to ask, you make any progress on our… little project?" The Inuzuka none-too-subtly tapped the side of his nose, "They even come after you again?"

"A few times," Grumbled the Uchiha, "No luck in catching them, though. They always see us coming. The anti-tracking jutsu techniques didn't work. Must be one of my cousins. Maybe an academy student hero-worshipping me, although I thought I was the youngest clansman with the Sharingan. Sage, I hope my parents don't have somebody following me around."

"What about a Hyuga?" Kiba asked, "Don't they hate all Uchiha on general principle? And Naruto for getting into their hot water boiler without them noticing like six times before Iruka-sensei confiscated that lead sheet we were using as cover?"

" _That's_ how you did it? Huh," Sasuke mentally filed away that particular tidbit under 'potentially useful', "No, the Hyuga are _much_ too dignified to put a surveillance detail on Naruto for pranking them. That would be admitting he got them. Six times. And why would they care about me, specifically? I don't think I've ever met one of them. And Itachi's the heir; he's the important one."

"What about Hyuga Hinata? You've met her," Shino pointed out quietly. All three members of Team Seven stared blankly at him. "She was in our graduating class." No recognition. "She was ranked second in taijutsu." Still nothing. "She's on my team, and standing right here."

Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto followed Shino's irritated finger jab to a slender, dark-haired girl practically swimming in a formless, grey hoodie. Her big, expressive, silver eyes commanded most of her visible face, and they were currently directing what was probably the least threatening glare ever at Sakura's feet. Sasuke and Sakura followed the line of sight, but were at a loss as to what was capturing the Hyuga's attention.

"What?" Sakura panned her gaze around, arms still wrapped securely around Naruto's throat, "What is it? Whaat?" Hinata moved her lips in a vaguely speech-like pattern and expelled an almost inaudible breath. It was possible she was trying to say something.

Kiba, with his newly extensive experience in communicating with people who never use words they don't absolutely need, picked up the gist of it. "Uh, Sakura? Naruto's sorta turning purple. People ain't supposed to do that." Sure enough, Naruto was rapidly turning purple as he clawed weakly at Sakura's arms.

"Eheheheheh…" Sakura dropped her teammate like a live explosive tag, allowing him to sink to his knees and suck in wheezing breaths, "Ohmigosh, I am so, so, so very sorry! Are- are you okay?" Naruto gave a shaky thumbs-up, and Hokori coiled protectively around the prone blonde, hissing a warning. "Got it. Backing up, backing up here. I'm safe, you're safe, we're all safe… for now-" Sakura went abruptly silent as ice-cold metal laid itself across the back of her neck.

"Beldum."

"KYAAAAH!" Everybody in the room winced to some degree or another at the screech. "How the heck to you keep _doing_ that?! And why?"

"Beldum."

"It is not that funny. It's not funny at all!"

"Beldum."

"I could have killed you! What if I'd gone for a weapon?"

"Beldum."

"I could have killed the people around you, then!"

"Uh, she does realize that thing isn't actually talking, right?" Kiba muttered to Sasuke and Naruto, "Or did we just not notice she's _clinically insane_ all those years?"

"We're sure Danketsu, the thingy, that's its name, can speak," Explained Naruto, "Not so sure how Sakura understands what Danketsu says."

"She might still be crazy," Sasuke contributed, "But as far as we know that's got nothing to do with it."

Attention finally left Team Seven as something exploded in the front of the Konoha Ninja Academy lecture hall, where the chunin hopefuls of half a dozen villages had gathered to begin the first part of the chunin exams. The best way to describe the man who stomped out of the smoke bomb's aftermath was probably 'scary as hell'.

Between his pitch-black clothes that reeked of old blood, his pale skin covered in vicious scars, and a build that screamed 'I can break your legs one-handed', the guy was a ninja out of a civilian horror story. His voice didn't fail his image, a low, growly tone that everyone in the room instinctively leaped to obey. "Alright, you slimes, shut up and take a seat! Stick with your teams, or I'll throw you out here and now." There was a sudden rush for the empty tables towards the front of the hall.

"I am Morino Ibiki. Yes, that Morino Ibiki. Konoha's top interrogator. For the past six years, I've run the first stage of Konoha's chunin exams, so I don't doubt that many of you expected to see me here. Which is why I will _not_ be in charge of this year's tests. Sadly for you, Lord Hokage isn't feeling merciful enough to leave you to me. However, since many of you _incompetents_ don't know Yamanaka sign, I've been asked to stay on as interpreter. Pay attention now, or pay for it later, to this year's proctor, Uchiha Mikoto."

Suddenly, the genin in the room found themselves looking at a desk centered in the front of the room, one they'd all known was there, but somehow found themselves unable to bring themselves to care about until that moment. A dark-haired woman dressed in formal wear lounged behind it, paring her nails with a kunai, three-tomoed Sharingan burning under heavy lashes. Every voice in the room went silent. Except one. " _Mom_?!"

And then Sasuke made that special, ear-splitting noise unique to pre-teen boys as a brace of senbon pinned the crotch of his pants to his chair. Great Sage, he hadn't even seen her move! "Originally, I was planning to pass whoever saw through my elementary illusion, and send the rest of you bumblers home in disgrace," Ibiki parroted, following the airy movements of Mikoto's free hand, "Unfortunately, no one even displayed that basic ability. Well, unfortunate for you. My back-up test is a little more… intellectually stimulating.

"In three days, Lord Hokage is throwing a party for the various visiting dignitaries looking forward to watching the final stage of the exams. They have to come this early, just to get a hotel room. Lords, wealthy businessmen, ambassadors, Daimyo, _Kage_. Now, I bet you're all asking yourselves, 'what does that have to do with me, being a lowly genin who isn't worthy of getting scraped off the shoes of such important people?' Well, it seems that I've misplaced the instruction scrolls for the second challenge of the exams. After cutting them in half. Lengthwise. All fifteen copies. And then putting each piece in a different code. Somehow, some of those dignitaries have gotten their greasy little fingers on them. This leaked intelligence must be recovered.

"I could just do it myself, but I feel like you guys might be better motivated, and quite honestly, one of the perks of being a jonin is delegating the easy jobs. Usually onto chunin, but I seem to be fresh out of those, so you'll have to do. And needless to say, if you so much as scratch any of these people, you'll fail, assuming nobody kills you for it. After all, you're expendable. They're not. And if you kill your competition, well… I may be less than appreciative if somebody increases my husband's workload… Enjoy the party!" While Ibiki delivered the entire speech in a growly monotone, Mikoto's expression clearly stated the enthusiasm that was meant to be behind her last sentence.

Piece said, the Uchiha matriarch pulled a magazine from under her desk, flicked it open, and proceeded to ignore the room. Ibiki vanished in another cloud of smoke. Sasuke made a noise like a kettle with an ill-fitting lid. Ha hopped down onto his partner's lap, and started wrenching the needles out one by one. _Oh, snap out of it, you big baby. Only two of them even broke skin!_

Faces started paling around the room. If she was willing to do that to her own son just to make a point, what were the rest of them in for?

* * *

"Okay, team, we need a plan," Sasuke banged his fist on the dry-erase board next to him for emphasis, an intensely serious expression covering his face. "An air-tight, fail-safe plan. And we needed it three weeks ago." His attempts to be serious were somewhat undermined by the frilly, pink border around the board. And the pink walls. And carpet. And bedding. And, well, pretty much everything else in the room except the occupants.

People only asked why Sakura never dyed her hair black to fit in until they'd seen her bedroom. Ordinarily, she'd be ecstatic just to have Sasuke (Squeeeee!) in there with her, Naruto and ninja animals notwithstanding, but this was serious business. Three days was not a lot of time to plan a sensitive infiltration mission. Besides, she was feeling a mite distracted by Sasuke's crotch. No, not like that, you pervs! Well, not this time anyway.

"Sasuke… are you sure you're fine?" Cue significant glance downwards, because he hadn't moved his legs any closer together or deactivated his Sharingan since Mikoto had started her speech.

"I'm. _fine_." Sasuke's right eye ticced.

"Dude," Naruto cut in, "Your mom is fucking _terrifying_. How do you _sleep_ at night?" 'Ti ni!'

"Very, very lightly," The Uchiha responded dryly, "Why did you think we're doing this at Sakura's place?"

"Because my place is gross, and your mom lives at your house?" Naruto snorted, "Give me some credit. I ain't that dumb, jerk."

"Focus," commanded Sasuke, "Plan. What are our objectives?"

"Become chunin!" exclaimed the Uzumaki, "Whoo! One step closer to Hokage!"

 _I think he means immediate objectives_. It fell upon Ha to be diplomatic, because nobody else who could speak seemed to be stepping up. Certainly wasn't going to be Sasuke.

"Oh, uh, then I guess step one is finding where the party is," Naruto slipped into 'planning mode'. He was actually quite good at this sort of strategic thinking if you could get him to focus long enough. "Then, we need to scope out the place. We can't get too specific until we know what we're dealing with here."

 _Already have it._ Ha held up the piece of paper he'd been sketching on since they arrived. _I wasn't dumb enough to try this on Mikoto, but Ibiki knew the location too, and he thought about it enough for me to pick it up. I think he let his guard down because there weren't any Yamanaka taking the exam this year. His lapse is our gain. I've got the street address and a basic floor plan._

"Hah! This is great!" Sakura pumped a fist in triumph, "Now we don't have to deal with the mayhem of over a hundred genin trying to secretly, and by secretly I mean not because no matter how sneaky they are there's over a hundred of us, scout a location. All we need is a map to study the surroundings, and we're good to go."

"Okay. Step two, we need to get inside," Stated the Uchiha, "They won't let us in just because we're in the exam. I might be able to get a ticket as the son of the Uchiha clan head, but… I'm not the heir, and Mom probably wants to make me get creative."

"My parents are representing the merchants' guild," Sakura shared, "I originally said I didn't want to go, 'cause it sounded boring, but I could always say I changed my mind. I've already got the formal wear. Sasuke, you can be my plus one, and get in that way!"

 _But what about Naruto?_

"Yeah," The blonde cut in, "What about Naruto?"

"Somehow, dunce, I doubt you can pass in high society," Tact, thy name is not Sasuke, "Maybe you should take overwatch for this mission."

"I wonder…" Sakura poked her tongue out to the side as she worked over the problem, "We could use somebody else on the inside. We're not going to be able to bring Hokori, Danketsu, and Ha into the party. If they don't let Lady Inuzuka bring her dog in, there's no way they'll bend the rules for us. The three of them will be plenty of outside backup. Naruto could be more useful if we can get him inside… Hmm, exactly how good of a cook is mister Ichiraku? That is the guy who runs that stand you like, right?"

"Yeah! He's the best ramen cook ever!" Confirmed Naruto, "No, he's the best anything cook ever!"

"Anything cook? You're sure about this?"

"Do you really think I haven't eaten my way through their entire menu?"

"I think we need to go pick up lunch there," Sakura nodded to herself, "It's getting around that time anyway."

"Wait, you _want_ to go to Ichiraku's?" Naruto narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "But you never want to go there!"

"This once, we'll make an exception," Sasuke was starting to catch on to Sakura's plan, "If they're not terrible at stuff that isn't ramen, I'll talk big brother and cousin Ichiro into leaning on the restaurateur's guild, and get Ichiraku a job catering for the party. Mom won't block it if I frame it as helping a friend's friends."

"Mr. Ichiraku can't turn an opportunity like that down; he needs the business, and he can't go against the guild," Sakura continued, "But he's only got himself and his daughter as employees, so he doesn't have the manpower. He'll need to post a D-rank for extra help. Not to do the cooking, but for cleaning, wait staff, and other grunt work. People can ask for a specific operative for their mission, if they already know the ninja they're asking for. Usually, it's just lords who exercise that privilege, but I'm sure Lord Hokage would let you, Naruto, help them out. Especially 'cause, with your shadow doppelgangers, the mission profile fits you to a T."

"You could get not only yourself, but at least a dozen clones, into the event without any suspicion at all!" Sasuke finished triumphantly. "Even if we don't get the scrolls, you'll still help the Ichirakus a lot, and be in the perfect position to sabotage the foreign teams, making the exams safer for our comrades. There's no downside."

 _And we'll stay outside, feeding you intel telepathically._

"Beldum."

 _We'll also do our best to pick off isolated individuals on overwatch. After all, teams need all three members to pass._

"Lady Uchiha didn't say that," Sakura pointed out.

 _It's a team test, at least for now. According to Sasuke's cousins and brother, the second test always involves teamwork. I'd be very surprised if we were able to start it without all three humans still combat ready. Mikoto probably didn't say anything to punish foreign teams who don't care as much about teamwork._

"Hn."

"Once we get inside, we'll have to do what we can to steal scrolls, and leave with the guests," Sakura suggested, "The other genin won't attack us if we're in a crowd of civilians. Good thing Hikaru-sensei already covered pick-pocketing."

* * *

"Lord Hokage? We have a problem that needs your attention, sir."

"Not unexpected, with all the foreign ninja in the village. Well? What is it?"

"The Mizukage is heading in from the eastern gate."

"And this is alarming because? He's well within his rights to attend the Chunin Exam."

"The Mizukage is also heading in from the western gate."

"He's using a clone technique? Openly?! Is he insane? That could be seen as an act of war! Is he trying to pick a fight?!"

"Er, not exactly… See, Yagura came in from the west, and he says he's Mizukage. But Terumi Mei is at the east gate, and she says she's Mizukage too…"

"Ah," The civil war factions. That was almost worse. "We can't afford to openly take sides in another village's politics… Invite the Lady Mizukage to my office for the usual meet-and-greet. Send somebody appropriately skilled to tell the Lord Mizukage I have a prior and immovable commitment, but that I will meet with him in an hour when my schedule is clear. Tell him I wasn't expecting him for a few more days."

"Wait, you want to antagonize the homicidal jinchuriki?! Sir?"

"Terumi Mei didn't earn a moniker like 'the living volcano' by collecting bottle caps. This far inland, the Three Tails will be at its weakest, and it was never particularly dangerous for a biju. Quite honestly, if worse comes to worse I can take Yagura with only a few casualties. Mei, on the other hand, would've been a challenge thirty years ago."

"Sir?"

"Jiraiya is in town, right? Send a messenger," Hiruzen steadied himself for words he never thought would pass his lips, "Tell him I want him to stalk a hot, young woman who just came into town. He'll know what I mean, and I can't believe I just said that."

"Sir?!"

"As in, she's a lava style master. She literally runs fifty degrees or so hotter than the average person. Not that Jiraiya will see it that way."

"…Oh."

* * *

"I feel nervous, guys. And girl."

"Beldum?"

"It just feels too easy, is all."

 _It's not like this is a Naruto plan, Hokori._

"I know… Maybe I'm too used to working with Naruto, then. Hey, look at that!"

 _Huh?_ The faint, pink glow around Ha's horns brightened slightly as he focused his psychic power. _Where?_

"Check out that creepy guy down there," The dragon squeaked, "The dude with the big gourd and the goth make-up. I'm getting spooky vibes from him."

 _Spooky vibes? You're kidding, right? You couldn't pick- Oh, wow. Sasuke? Heads up._

 _What is it?_ Sasuke couldn't send his thoughts back, but some practice had let him create messages for Ha to read.

 _There's a skinny little red-head with a Suna headband and a giant gourd. He feels… really nasty is the only way to describe it. He's looking at everybody, but it's like all he sees are targets. I think he'll go out of his way to kill people if he thinks he can get away with it._

 _Great, a psychopathic serial killer,_ The Uchiha projected an image of rolling his eyes, _I thought this was going too smoothly for a Team Seven mission._

 _Hokori recognizes one of his teammates,_ Ha shared, _The girl with the four spiky, blonde ponytails. She's the Kazekage's daughter; Hokori saw her once when her father was in the village meeting with the Hokage._

 _A psychopathic serial killer with a title. My favorite kind. Anything else of note?_

 _We spotted Shino working the roofs for Team Eight_ , offered the kirlia, _Also, a team of Kiri ninja are waiting around the back to ambush anybody heading that way with the scrolls. You probably don't want to go that way; I think one of them has Hiramekarei. It looks like the pictures._

 _A Swordsman of Mist?! Well, at least they won't blindside us. So a homicidal maniac with diplomatic immunity, and an up-and-coming elite mist ninja. Please tell me that's the worst you've got._

 _Yeah, it is. There's a couple of other rooftop lurkers who aren't as stealthy as they think they are, but they don't seem as dangerous. I see a couple guys from Suna. One's wearing a lot of armor and robes, and the other has this big mummy thing that could be a puppet. There's also a person covered in bandages. His hiate-ate has a music note on it. I've never heard of that symbol before._

 _Hn._ Sasuke paused a moment to consider his options. _If you get the chance, try to take out the sand genin. One of them could be psycho killer's teammate._

"What did Sasuke say?" Hokori poked his head over the side of the roof for another glance, "They're gonna be careful, right?"

 _Definitely. We've got our marching orders, too. Sasuke wants us to take out the Suna guys._

"Beldum?"

"Puppet guy is older, and he looks more experienced," Suggested the dragon, "Plus, based on the stories Jiraiya told Naruto about the wars, puppeteers rely heavily on poison delivered by gas, hidden blades, and barrages of needles. And they hate close combat."

 _Why would that…? Oh, yeah. This'll be funny. Danketsu?_

"Beldum."

 _Smash._

"Beldum."

* * *

They _almost_ had him. But their assessment that the puppeteer was an experienced genin was probably right. When the ominous shadow fell over him, the genin immediately hurled himself and his puppet to the left, just barely evading a ballistic take down. Floating on waves of electromagnetic energy, and not really bound by things like aerodynamics or momentum, Danketsu made a ninety degree turn, skimmed the roofing tiles, and kept on coming.

Sure enough, a spindly, clanking, six-armed puppet tore its way out of the mummy, opened its mouth to reveal a sealed pipe, and launched a vicious spray of senbon. As expected, the needles bounced off Danketsu's armored body with absolutely no effect. The steel Pokémon bulled through the lethal hail and slammed into the puppet at full speed.

Beldum are small Pokémon. They're also made of solid metal, a tough and highly conductive alloy of titanium and steel permeated with crystalline psychic semiconductors. Danketsu is only two feet long, and eight inches wide… But she weighs almost two _tons_ , and can hit thirty miles per hour in a sprint. Needless to say, the wooden puppet didn't stand a chance. However, smoke billowed out from the splintered wreck from something broken inside the puppet, probably a smoke bomb, and when it cleared the sand genin was nowhere to be seen.

"He got away!" Hokori growled. "Darn it!"

"Beldum."

"Sorry, but no, I can't," The dragon shook his head for emphasis, "I don't have a great nose in the first place, and with all the puppet bits and toxic smoke around there's no way for me to pick up the scent."

 _His emotional control is great. I can't tell him apart from the crowd, even though he's gotta be at least mad at us for breaking his stuff. There's still the other guy, assuming he didn't run when he heard the fighting._

"He probably tried to hide better. Running around while people are combat-alert is a great way to get spotted. Somebody woulda ambushed him for sure. He doesn't know we already know where he is."

"Beldum."

"Go ahead. Why mess with what works?"

* * *

Like the puppeteer, the armored genin's first clue as to the danger was a rapidly growing shadow, and like the puppeteer, he barely got out of the way in time. Unlike the puppeteer, he had a response for when Danketsu made her ninety degree turn and kept on coming. As the steel Pokémon charged, he made three quick hand signs, and swept a jagged blade of wind into her side, again failing to do visible damage but sending her wide.

Thinking and signing with impressive speed (for a genin), the sand ninja stomped on the roof and sent a wave of roofing tiles over Danketsu's landing point, fusing them together with his earth jutsu into a sturdy prison. He turned back around just in time to get a face full of scabbard courtesy of Ha, which didn't seem to bother him much.

The genin made a sweeping grab for his assailant, but his taijutsu was much slower than his seals, and the monk easily teleported out of the way. Shifting his grip, Ha upped the ante with an iaijutsu cut to the hamstring. Disappointingly, the sand ninja's thick robes tangled the blade, and robbed it of its cutting power. Another quick hand sign sent the lightweight kirlia bouncing backward on a blast of wind. Hokori, outweighing his friend by over a hundred pounds, barely flinched.

The dragon lashed out with his tail and caught Ha, setting the smaller Pokémon back on his feet. His tail glowing with electricity, Hokori pulsed out a shockwave at the sand ninja, who confidently fired off another pulse of wind. He was unpleasantly surprised.

Human wind chakra repels human lightning chakra, as air is nonconductive, making it the best defense against lightning jutsu. However, wind chakra of all types conducts summon lightning. After all, as every Pokémon learns from the cradle, electricity beats flying.

That seemed to actually hurt him. Focusing on the greatest apparent threat, the genin bombarded Hokori with razor-sharp wind bullets, forcing Ha to step in front of him with a light screen while the slower dragon slithered for cover. The psychic barrier handled the tiny blasts with ease, but the sand genin was already trying something else.

Drawing strips of cloth from his armor with each hand, he sent them whipping around the screen like boomerangs, the obviously weighted cloth seeking to bind Ha fast. Getting an impression of _safe_ from Hokori, the kirlia hurled a smoke bomb from his new gear at the human's feet with a swift confusion and teleported to safety.

Taking advantage of the cover offered by the smoke and an optimistic volley of dragon rage, Ha teleported again, to Danketsu's prison. An ordinary kirlia's modest confusions and unimpressive fairy voice wouldn't be able to scratch the thick ceramic, but Ha, if he did say so himself, was no ordinary kirlia.

From the day he'd hatched, he'd trained alongside the gallade and lucario of the Order of the Swords of Justice. Nearly all of their special moves are reserved for full members, not because they aren't taught to initiates, but because they require something that riolu, ralts, and kirlia only get when they evolve: a blade. Ha wasn't anywhere near ready to use his dawn stone, but he already had a weapon. Itachi's tanto might be nameless, but it had seen at least as much combat as some of the treasured legacy swords in the order's vault. The newer ones, anyway. It had been passed down from a great master (and Itachi certainly qualified as that) to a worthy student.

That alone gave it power. So did the fact that he was using it to aid and defend a comrade. This probably wouldn't have worked otherwise. However, he was using a legacy weapon in defense of a friend with time to focus. In these specific circumstances, Ha had some very nice options.

Brilliant energy tinged brown with fighting-type ki traced its way up the big knife, sheathing it with power. And it didn't stop there. Under Ha's careful focus, the energy kept going, extending the blade into a full katana humming and sparking with power. He was doing it! He was ready! Suck it, stuffy old men (not that he'd ever think that where somebody might be listening)! Pausing to stare for a moment with triumphant awe at his creation, the young monk allowed two reverent words to pass his lips. Sure, shouting move names was pretty stupid most of the time, and his vocal cords weren't really built for use, but this was a special occasion.

"Sacred Sword!"

The moment he said it, though, the glowing blade wavered like a fading genjutsu in his hands, before vanishing into the aether. Somehow, the tanto left in his hands felt almost reproachful. Maybe he wasn't ready after all.

Sighing, Ha focused on his weapon again, drawing on a more familiar power and edging the blade with a purple glow. Psycho cut was still pretty cool, he guessed. He was able to get through the tiles with just a few swings.

But Sacred Sword could have done it with one.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hokori was in a bit of a bind. Literally. The sand genin had managed to wrap him from nose to tail in those bandana-robe-bola things. Of course, it wasn't slowing the serpentine Pokémon down much, but they kept sliding over his eyes, which was annoying.

Then, the human got body-slammed off the roof by Danketsu. He hit the ground hard, and didn't get up again. Still alive, Ha confirmed, but unlikely to be fighting any time soon. They tied him up with his own stupid bandana things, locked him in a dumpster by having Danketsu mash the latch, and headed back to their own roof to check in with Sasuke.

 _Sasuke? Ha reporting. We engaged both sand ninja. The puppet guy got away, but he had to sacrifice his puppet to do it. The other guy was a wind style adept. We beat him down and locked him in a dumpster._

 _Good timing. We need an extraction._ Sasuke projected back alongside a hefty dose of annoyance.

 _Who for? How critical?_

 _Naruto got a scroll half._ Ooooh, no wonder Sasuke was pissed. _He asked the Hokage for his, and the Hokage just gave it to us. I think he was impressed that we tried diplomacy. Sakura and I have picked a couple of pockets, but no luck so far. Get the scroll from Naruto, then check in with Sakura._

Leaving behind instructions to stay on guard, Ha teleported over to the blind they'd set up in the Ichiraku food prep area, where he met with one of Naruto's shadow doppelgangers. "Yeah, here it is!" The chakra construct gave a thumbs-up as he passed over the scroll, "Don't worry if you see other clones with them. I made a bunch after I got this, so other genin will steal one from me. But the others are shadow clones, so they'll disappear later. Heheheh."

 _Not bad._ Ha swallowed a giggle at the thought. Giggles are not dignified. _Anything else? Have you heard from Sakura?_

"Yeah. Yeah! She had a question for you!" The duplicate Naruto recalled, "Can you, uh, give people thoughts? Like the Yamanaka can, I guess?"

 _No. You may have noticed that I'm talking in your head, but I don't sound like you. They'd know someone was messing with their minds right away._

"Umm, what about feelings, then? You said you could do those too… I think?"

 _I can sense emotions. Their location, type, and intensity. I can't change them. I'll always be better at reading than projecting, on the mental side of psychic powers._

"So… you can tell what they're doing, but you can't make them do something else?"

 _Essentially._

"Awww. I had some great ideas…"

 _I bet you did. If there's nothing else, I'm going to check with Sakura._

"I'm good."

* * *

"Ha! Great! Can you-"

 _No, I can't change people's thoughts._

"How about-"

 _Or emotions._

"You talked to Naruto."

 _I talked to Naruto._

"Good. We're pulling out. I think all the scroll fragments that match our one have been taken already, but maybe we can extrapolate the whole message from what we have."

 _What about that lady? She has one. Isn't even trying to hide it, not in that tacky dress. Speaking of which, isn't that indecent exposure?_

"Be polite! That lady is the Mizukage! I think. Kiri politics are complicated. But I'm not sticking my arm down her dress either way, and neither is Sasuke," Sakura frowned slightly, but her emotional signature felt rather upbeat for someone suggesting a tactical retreat. Maybe she already had a scroll, and was acting for the benefit of anyone watching them.

 _Understood. We're splitting up and rendezvousing at Sasuke's. You and him, me and Danketsu, and Naruto and Hokori will be going together._

* * *

Turned out, Sakura did have the other half of the scroll. She'd gotten lucky in an Amegakure genin's wallet. Netted a surprising amount of ryo too. The message itself was encoded half in a simple substitution cypher, and half in a nasty book cypher keyed to the magazine Mikoto had been reading earlier, which they borrowed from the coffee table downstairs.

While the codes were complex, the message itself was simple. 'One of you is an imposter. He knows where to report for the third task, and where your teammate is. Rescue your teammate, and report in within 24 hours or you fail.'

The genin and Pokemon glanced at each other. Then Sakura smiled. It was not a happy smile. "Ha? Either you're the imposter, or you already know who it is."

 _It's Naruto._

At the unmistakable mental voice, four pairs of eyes and one solitary, glowing orb turned toward the suddenly sweating blonde. "Eheheheheh… Oh, shit."

Less than a minute later, an older teen was trussed up in front of the teens. Chunin he may have been, but five on one in an enclosed space is trying for nearly anyone. "I- I'll never tell you tree-huggers anything!"

Uchiha Sasuke closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they were blazing red. "Yes, you will. How much is left afterwards is your choice."

 _A mind is a terrible thing to waste._

"If you'd prefer, we could just have Danketsu sit on you," Sakura offered helpfully, "And then reduce the strength of her levitation until you talk… or we're scraping your arms off the floor."

"Beldum."

"What?! You can't do that!" He was definitely getting nervous, though. Just a little more, and…

"You kidnapped our teammate, and you aren't wearing a hiate-ate. We're well within our rights to do whatever we want," Sasuke pointed out, "Unaffiliated ninja don't exactly have a lot of rights. Just try not to scream too loud. If Dad hears, he'll want to help and that'll just be all kinds of awkward. You'd think he'd trust me to interrogate criminals on my own by now, with all the police work he's had me doing."

"I'll talk! I'll talk!"

"Yes, you will."

* * *

The chunin sang like a bird. The Sharingan genjutsu to increase gullibility probably helped. In fact, he cracked so fast that Team Seven was able to set up an ambush at the dilapidated apartment building the proctors were using as a holding area. A grand fireball jutsu scattered the opposition long enough to pull Naruto out and make a break for it. The fact that Sasuke got to set his old 'friend' on fire again was just icing on the cake. Eager to head for the exam arena, the team set off over the rooftops, never bothering to look at what was happening beneath their feet. This was probably for the best.

In the alley below, three chunin were not happy campers. The first part of their mission had gone off without a hitch. The genin they'd grabbed had barely put up a fight. It was like he'd barely done any training with kunai or taijutsu. They could hardly believe he'd been entered in the exam with physical skills that bad, let alone passed the first stage. But he was on the list, so… Besides, he was a genin. Chunin are supposed to be better than them.

Now? They were feeling less than confident. They'd been followed halfway across the village by a faint slithering sound at the bottom edge of their hearing… and the overwhelming stench of blood, according to the team's Inuzuka. And was it just them, or was this alley getting longer the more steps they took?

"Hey! Assholes! Gimmie my brother back!" The chunin jumped about a foot each and spun around, only to relax. Instead of the monstrous monster they were expecting, a blonde slip of a girl wearing a Suna headband was confronting them, leaning on a war fan clearly several sizes too big for her.

"Didn't you read the scroll, girlie?" One of the chunin asked, his confidence restored by the less-than-imposing opposition, "Ya gotta rescue him. Props for the genjutsu, by the way, but you really need to work on your follow-through."

"Heh. Heh. Heh." A gravelly, dry laugh tore from lips clearly unaccustomed to the sound, the voice coming from directly behind the leaf ninja. "They think it's genjutsu. Isn't that just like them… Mother?" The rustling sound grew louder as hands of stone clasped themselves around the leaf ninjas' ankles. Before they could react, sand erupted around them, encasing all three and the Inuzuka's dog in a gritty embrace. The captured genin was thrown clear.

"Okay, that's a pretty good follow-through," the chunin admitted nervously, "Y-you guys pass. Head to the arena? And, uh, let us down? Please?"

"You don't understand," Rasped the voice from behind them, "They never understand us. Not at first. You took my brother. I **hate** my **brother**. But he **is mine. Mother wants your blood."**

* * *

 **A.N. Ah, the lead sheet. Frustrating super-senses from X-ray vision to Detect Evil since Superman got his first powers as the plot demands.**

 **And to answer the inevitable questions, I'm taking my cues from 'Ashes of the Past' on signature moves. Pokémon of the correct species can use them instinctually. But, they can also teach other Pokémon the move, if the prospective student has the right typing, temperament, etc. Cobalion taught the first grand master of the Order of the Swords of Justice Sacred Sword because while the legendary Swords of Justice are powerful, there are only four of them. Naturally, the idea of giving inherently noble and trustworthy Pokémon the means to fight at the level of minor legendaries appealed to him.**

 **So, in theory Ha could one day use Sacred Sword and even Secret Sword. Cobalion knows and passed on the mechanics of both moves, even if he can't use Secret Sword himself. In theory.**

 **In practice, obviously, Ha isn't anywhere close to understanding what it means to master Sacred Sword. There's way more to it than a vague desire to show off and charging a blade with ki. But he might someday.**

 **Thank you, Stoneficaunt, for your OC, Ishi of Sunagakure. He may have gotten zerg rushed by a bunch of Pokémon, but not everybody can be a Hyuga Neji or a Shikamaru. The minor antagonists are just as important and necessary… if less glamorous. Take heart in the fact that it was three on one, and he still did pretty well.**


	17. We're So Dead

_"It's always been our dream."_

* * *

'SLAM!'

A small, steel-shod security door flew open with an earsplitting noise, but the chunin that stood watching it, sipping from a thermos, didn't so much as twitch. "Naruto! Sakura! Sasuke! You guys made it! Congratulations! I… It's a pleasant surprise. Huh, Izumo owes me thirty ryo."

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto blazed through the door in a blur of nervous energy, and waved excitedly at the older ninja, "Great ta see ya! But why are you here? Wait, did you not think we were gonna make it?"

"Hey, I put my money on you guys, didn't I?" The chunin responded quickly, "I wouldn't have done that if I thought you'd fail. And as for why I'm here, well, that'll have to wait for your teammates."

Right on cue, Sasuke and Ha stalked in, dragging Hokori between them. _I think you forgot someone, Naruto._

"Don't go ahead, dunce," Added the dark-haired boy, "You need to stay with the group, or you could get ambushed! Just because we passed the test doesn't mean we're safe yet. Plus, you left the reptile for us."

"Drati ti…"

 _I don't think Sasuke cares you're not a reptile._

"Hn, did you say something?"

"Clear!" Sakura informed them as she swept into the room with Danketsu and shut the door again, "I think we're good, guys- Iruka-sensei? What're you doing here?"

"Well, now that you've proven to me that your entire team made it through, I'm here to explain the rules of the third and final section of the chunin exams," Iruka smiled at the assembled genin and Pokémon as he set his drink aside, "First off, I want you to know that all subsequent events will be individual, not team-based. You can forfeit at any time without dragging your teammates down with you."

"So? S'not like any of us are gonna quit," Scoffed Naruto, "Don't you know who we are?"

"I'm not expecting you to, but you need to know," The chunin's expression grew grave, "I don't want you sticking something out when you could be seriously injured because you think your friends are depending on you."

"Okay. Gotta say I appreciate that," Sakura admitted, "Especially since things haven't seemed super dangerous yet. With all the stories I've heard about the exams, I was expecting more mortal peril. It's making me think the hammer's about to fall."

"You guys got lucky. Before this year, Mitarashi Anko has been in charge of the second stage, and Morino Ibiki the first," Related the academy teacher, "They were big on the whole mortal peril part. They always incorporated a battle royale in one of Konoha's most dangerous training grounds into the second stage. But this year, we got Uchiha Mikoto and Shiranui Genma. They're both big on the stealth and infiltration aspects of our profession, and this year's tests reflected that. More of an intellectual and social challenge than a physical one. Although I hear you guys did pretty well on the physical parts too."

"So what's the next test?" Sasuke cut in tersely. "Based on your comments, it's more dangerous, isn't it?"

"Yeah. An open tournament between the remaining competitors. Killing the other guy is discouraged, but will not result in disqualification." That, naturally, had the genin all talking at once.

"A tournament? Hn. How… unsophisticated."

 _Killing is… discouraged? Only?!_

"Whaaaaat? You're joking, right? They're not expecting us to… murder people, are they? I mean, they haven't even done anything to me! Or the village!"

"You're not supposed to kill anyone in the exams," Clarified Iruka, "But it does happen, and you needed to be warned. The tournament will be happening in a month, to give you prep time using the information you gathered about your competition during the first two tasks. It will be attended by many foreign and local dignitaries. Think of it as a sort of advertising opportunity for Konoha. Strong genin are powerful enough to be a good indication of what a village is capable of, without giving away vital intelligence like the capabilities of jonin."

"A chance to show off? Heck yeah! That's my specialty!" Naruto blustered, habitual grin fixed back in place, "So, you gonna tell us who we're fighting, sensei?"

"Not exactly…" Iruka met Naruto's grin with a wry smile, "You see, we got too many teams passing the second test this year. The usual yield is four, and six made it through. Getting this far puts you in the running for a field promotion later, but the prestigious exam promotions are in very limited supply. You're gonna have to fight preliminary rounds in front of the visiting Kage and other ninja leaders for the chance at those."

"Hn," Sasuke's expression told them exactly what he thought about that. Not enthused. "So who will be forcing us to give a pre-view of our techniques today?" Yeah, that was a concern.

"I'm supposed to tell you these pairings are randomized, but they're really not," The chunin tapped the side of his scarred nose, "They're seeded, to make the tournament as interesting as possible. Just, uh, don't spread that around. But, you'll all be happy to know you got high rankings. Comparatively. Sasuke, you actually got the highest seed. You were the most well-rounded of the competitors, so you picked up a lot of points over the specialists. You'll be fighting Rock Lee."

"Of course I got top seed," Preened the Uchiha, "This'll be easy. Hm. Naruto, Sakura, Ha, do you know who this Lee is? Not that I'm concerned or anything…"

"Oh, I know Lee!" Naruto exclaimed, "He's awesome! And also kinda crazy… He gave me these!"

Everybody else in the room stared, nonplussed, at the revealed sweatbands. "He gave you those?" Sakura raised a skeptical eyebrow, "So what?"

"They're sealed. Each one weighs like thirty pounds," The blonde shared, "It's totally awesome training that you can do all the time! Lee gave me his old ones!"

"So then, how much do Lee's weigh?" Sakura felt like she wasn't going to like the answer.

"I dunno," Naruto assumed an expression of uncharacteristic contemplation, "But we sparred once, and he smashed me flat. Easily. My bands are adjustable from level one to nine. Each level adds 15 pounds. Lee needed heavier weights to feel challenged a year and a half ago. When he kicked me, he could send me flying even though I'd blocked and braced, and he was holding back a lot. He was so fast I couldn't even make hand seals! But he said he was a taijutsu specialist, so I don't think he's any good at other stuff."

"…Useful. Thank you, Naruto," Sasuke muttered sourly. "Who's next?"

"Hmm. I'm supposed to tell you the entire roster, so… Next is Watanabe Hiroe versus Inuzuka Kiba," Iruka shared, "Then, Chojuro of the Seven Swordsmen against Kankuro of the Black Sand, Nozomi of Taki against Hyuga Hinata, Aburame Shino versus Sora of Kiri, Gaara of the Desert fighting Tamotsu, also of Taki, 'Lucky Sevens' Fu versus Tenten of Konoha, and finally the other two matches you've been waiting for. Sakura, you'll be facing Hyuga Neji. Naruto, you'll be up against Temari, of Suna."

Team seven took a few moments to digest the info dump. "So… I'm fighting the Kazekage's daughter? Sweet!" Naruto was the first to process the info. Whether through a faster head or an emptier one none could say. "Plenty of guys to cheer for, too! Go Kiba and Shino!"

"A Hyuga?" Sakura was feeling some nerves at the thought, "You're sure I was a high seed, sensei?"

"Relax, Sakura," Iruka did his best to dispel her fears, "You've already done better than almost anyone expected of inexperienced genin. Also, I am allowed to tell you that Neji's psyche report says he's highly unlikely to use fatal attacks without extreme provocation. Just… treat it like a no-holds-barred sparring match, don't mock him, and you'll be fine."

"Okay, yeah, I can do that."

"Beldum."

"Yeah! This'll be a great debut!" Sakura pulled a storage scroll out of one of her pouches, and pulled it open. A puff of smoke revealed a massive gauntlet coated in heavy, steel plates, which she placed over Danketsu's barrel, and started synching the straps tight. "I was hoping to save this for the main event, but Hyuga are always tough unless you're a ninjutsu powerhouse. Which I am not."

"You're armoring the sapient hunk of metal," Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Is it actually going to benefit her? Isn't her skin tougher than that?"

"No such thing as too much armor or explosives," Sakura shot back, "And Danketsu's body might be armored, but it's still skin. Technically. It's probably too thin to block a Hyuga's attacks. They've got this special martial art called gentle fist. I don't know exactly how it works, but all they have to do is touch you in the right place and you're done. I saw one my parents hired take out a couple missing ninja once. With this, though," Sakura thumped the thick armor, producing a faint ringing noise as her bracers met the steel, "He won't be able to touch skin easy. That Hyuga I saw had trouble fighting the guy wearing a breastplate. Sucks to be him."

"Beldum."

"Damn straight. Oh, Naruto! Can I borrow one of your sealing brushes for a few minutes?"

"Uh, sure! What do you need it for?"

"You'll see-ee!"

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke entered the arena with head held high, Uchiha masking expression (complete with condescending smirk) firmly in place, and shoulders squared. Ha assumed a flanking position on his partner's right, left hand resting lightly on the hilt of his tanto. Boy and Pokémon bowed to the assembled dignitaries; The Hokage sat in the middle, flanked by a veiled man wearing the Kazekage's traditional hat and a man in a Takigakure headband whose appearance was the sort of casually nondescript that actually takes a lot of effort. To the Kazekage's right sat a rather short man with grey hair, pink eyes, and a long, ropy scar down his cheek. To the Taki jonin's (probably a jonin… He looked it, anyway) left sat the same red-haired woman who'd taunted the genin with her… highly visible yet inaccessible scroll at the dance. Not that Sasuke'd noticed. But he did notice that both the bookends were wearing Kirigakure headbands and very carefully not glaring at each other.

Then, he turned to his opponent, and tried very hard not to do a double take. He succeeded. Barely.

Naruto had told him that Rock Lee was rather eccentric. He'd brought up a crippling lack of fashion sense, habitual shouting, and obsession with 'youth', which the blonde figured was a euphemism for something disturbing or possibly classified. He hadn't mentioned bright green spandex, fluorescent orange leg warmers, or bowl cut.

Even Sasuke, who owned ten sets of the same basic black-and-khaki ensemble, a few seasonal or formal garments, and nothing else, could tell that wasn't a good look for anyone. Especially a ninja, who by definition is supposed to avoid attracting attention. Was this guy for real?

Yes. And now Sasuke would never forget. Ever. Thank you, Sharingan.

Ha, meanwhile, looked Lee up and down. He scanned his unguarded thoughts and wild emotions. And the Pokémon smiled. _Sasuke? If you're worried about giving up intel, I can take this guy._

 _Are you sure?_ Sasuke projected, _He may not look like much, but he has to have_ something _going for him to get this far._

 _Positive._ The kirlia confirmed, _It'll be easy. No chance of injury on my part, I'll only give away moves people've already seen me use, and he'll go down fast too. Three minutes. If he's really, really good._

 _What makes you so sure?_ Sasuke trusted his partner, but at this point he was more than a little curious.

 _He's a fighting type._

* * *

After a minute of enthusiastically futile flailing in a psychic full nelson, and two thrown nunchaku that the Pokémon sidestepped with contemptuous ease, the match was called. Lee took two steps, and found himself trapped by Ha's confusion. The weak psychic attack would be unable to trap most foes, who could use ninjutsu, genjutsu, or even a chakra pulse to disrupt Ha's focus or technique. None of those options were available to Rock Lee, who true to what he told Naruto is unable to use either ninjutsu or genjutsu.

His match over, Sasuke retreated to the stands to watch the other matches. Anything he saw could be the difference between victory and defeat in the main event. Lee stuck around too, loudly and constantly complaining about Sasuke's unyouthfulness. Sadly for the older genin, as loud and incessant as his complaints and challenges were, Sasuke'd had much worse from Naruto. Compared to his teammate, Lee was laughably easy to ignore.

The second pair of fighters included Kiba and mutt, against a mist ninja. The girl looked around fourteen, dressed in dark purple cloth and mesh that probably blended in with the ocean at night a lot better than it would anywhere around Konoha. She worked a lollipop (or possibly a senbon) around in her mouth as she loosened the katana at her waist from its sheath. The girl, presumably Hiroe if Sasuke remembered right, stayed silent. Kiba, predictably, started bragging.

"Hey, mist lady! Clean the mold outta your ears and listen up! I'm Inuzuka Kiba, the best genin in Konoha, and Akamaru and I are gonna kick your ass back to your stupid island!" He leered at her, baring his fangs, "Might wanna save yourself the humiliation."

She responded by biting down on her lollipop with a loud crunch, and spitting out the stick. The tiny piece of soggy wood flew across the arena and landed cleanly in Kiba's open mouth, prompting a desperate bout of scrubbing to rid himself of 'girl germs'. Sasuke forced his stoic mask into place; Kiba might have been being an idiot, but he was still a Konoha ninja, and thus deserved support over a foreigner. Besides, Ha, under no such social pressure, cracked up for both of them.

Sage, Kiba was stupid, though. He was still pawing at his tongue when the Hokage started the match! And he might have been distracted, but his opponent most definitely was not.

The instant Lord Hokage started to say the word 'begin', the moment it was technically a legal move, Hiroe vanished from her starting position and appeared directly in front of Kiba. She'd prepared all but the final step of the body flicker jutsu beforehand, and used the reduced time and the high speed movement to try to catch Kiba off guard. Sasuke immediately filed the technique away for later use; he'd never have caught that without the Sharingan, which meant it would probably work on other people.

Meanwhile, Kiba went flying backward with a yelp as a hilt strike connected with his sternum. Akamaru tried to buy him some time, but Hiroe coolly kicked the dog aside and charged his master. Her sword whispered from its sheath as she moved, and Sasuke had just enough time to register that she'd drawn it backwards before Kiba found himself on the receiving end of a rather brutal beating with the dull side of a katana.

After a dozen heartbeats of pathetic whimpering and even more pathetic struggles, Kiba managed to hook a leg around the older genin's feet and sweep her to the ground. Mostly by accident, but the time she took to roll away and spring to her feet gave Kiba enough time to pull himself together.

"Damn it! I can't lose here! Come on, Akamaru!" Kiba pulled something out of his pouch, and made to toss it to his dog, "Let's show her who's boooOUCH!"

Halfway through the motion, a kunai sliced his hand and his plan to ribbons. Caught completely off guard a second time, the tracker was forced into another desperate bout of dodging as the mist ninja methodically disassembled his taijutsu with punishing blows.

This time, when Kiba hit the ground, Hiroe didn't waste time beating him more. She thrust her katana through the meat of his thigh, a messy, painful, and definitely survivable wound. While he was busy writhing in agony, she zip tied his hands and feet together, then his hands to his feet, and finished the takedown by grabbing Akamaru by the scruff of his neck, holding the dog helpless.

* * *

While a squad of medics rolled Kiba and his continuous stream of profanity onto a stretcher, Hiroe vaulted the arena wall and took a seat near Sasuke. After replacing her lollipop, the taciturn girl settled in to clean her sword and watch the next match with undisguised interest.

Ha sort of recognized the next two genin, which was good, because Sasuke'd never seen either one before. On one side, a slender, spectacled Kiri genin carrying a massive, bandage-wrapped sword with two parallel hilts. Hiramekarei, which made Chojuro the up-and-coming Swordsman of Mist and definitely someone to watch. His opponent? Puppet guy!

Well, former puppet guy, apparently Kankuro, and now a sad, sad sand ninja. Unfortunately for Sasuke's hopes of effective spying, Kankuro turned out to be absolutely useless without his puppet. Chojuro knocked the sand ninja cold in seconds, without using any of his arsenal beyond hitting the other guy on the head with a heavy piece of metal.

Once again, a mist ninja hopped into the stands while their opponent got carted off by the doctors, this time to check for a concussion. The two didn't speak, but the way they sat and their emotions suggested they were teammates.

Sasuke did know one of the fourth set of fighters though, if only by face. On one side of the arena, Hyuga Hinata ghosted in, radiating discomfort. On the other, a young-looking girl bounced in, a smile on her face, medic patches on her shoulders, and an off-center Taki hiate-ate barely restraining her wild, black hair. A small, blue candle burned on the metal with a cheery, yellow light, apparently unaffected by her movements or its jaunty tilt.

"Hi! I'm Nozomi!" The Taki genin half-sang, "We're gonna fight soon, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends, ri-i-ight?" Hinata gave a small squeak in response, but when the match began she firmed up her stance, activated her Byakugan, and charged.

Sasuke was unimpressed. It'd take a whole lot for a Hyuga to impress him, of course, since he distained them all on general principle. But Hinata? The freaking Taki medic made for a better Hyuga than her!

Both girls were going for light touches, nothing more. But Nozomi's were landing, sending a sharp pulse of chakra into Hinata with every hit, and the Hyuga hit nothing but air. Eventually, the girl from waterfall stood lightly over Hinata as the leaf ninja twitched in the dirt, not a hair out of place. Nozomi's grin hadn't faltered the slightest the entire time. "That was fun! I didn't really want to hurt you; you're just too cute and precious! And a friend! So I made fatigue poisons build up in your muscles a lot faster than normal so you can't move much now. Sorry! Maybe you'll do better next time!" Huh. Unlike any of the other victors so far, Nozomi chose to take the stairs up. The girl sprawled across an entire bench, head candle dancing merrily as she vibrated with excitement over the prospect of watching another match.

She didn't seem to be disappointed, even though the fifth match was rather dull in Sasuke's opinion. The third Kiri ninja, Sora, faced off against Shino, and it didn't make for a very dynamic fight. It mostly consisted of the Kiri guy running away from the bugs while he hosed the arena down with water bullets in an attempt to catch Shino before the kikaichu caught up with him.

After a couple minutes of this, the foreigner conceded rather than get swarmed when he started running low on chakra, at which point Shino emerged from underground, having replaced himself with a decoy bug doppelganger near the beginning of the match. The Kiri guy was actually quite good, in Sasuke's opinion, despite the questionable decision he made of wearing an expensive and hearing-impairing headset the entire time. His whole team was. Shino was just a bad match-up. Ninjutsu based around small projectiles and a speed-based fighting style aren't great against somebody who can hide somewhere you can't get to and cover the entire battlefield in danger.

The sixth match? The Taki genin Tamotsu and his yellow lizard pet took one look at Gaara the probably psycho killer and forfeited. Smart, but frustrating for Sasuke, who was looking forward to at least seeing what Gaara's techniques were like. The guy had a ton of chakra, and it flowed rather strangely, but Sasuke couldn't pick up anything more than that. The waterfall genin looked strange too, his entire body coated with an oddly cold chakra, but since he wasn't advancing Sasuke didn't really care.

The seventh match, Sasuke didn't recognize either of the genin. A girl in a Konoha hiate-ate, sporting an odd, double-bunned hairstyle, was up against the third Taki-nin, a cheery girl with lime-green hair, orange eyes, and a dark tan. The leaf ninja had to be Tenten, which made her opponent Fu. The two teens glared at each other for a few seconds, and then bowed deeply.

Apparently they'd come to some sort of understanding, because the moment they got the go-ahead, both charged forward and engaged in an enthusiastic taijutsu slugfest. Based on what Sasuke could see, the two were fairly evenly matched. Tenten had better technique, with more efficient movements and probably more practice. Fu countered by being able to shrug off hits in a way Sasuke'd thought was unique to Naruto. After a few minutes of neither gaining the upper hand, Tenten abruptly disengaged and threw herself backward, drawing a scroll from her pouch. Fu, now unimpeded, started chaining hand seals for a technique Sasuke didn't recognize, but was eager to learn.

As the Uchiha watched, dense, green chakra oozed from a point on the Taki genin's back, wreathing her arms in spiny, angular gauntlets. Sasuke experimentally tried the jutsu himself, but it didn't seem to do anything. Probably needed an item or a kekkei genkai or something.

Her jutsu complete, Fu exploded forwards, lingering tendrils of green concentrating in her legs and lending her a startling burst of speed. She ran straight into a wall of kunai and shuriken. Tenten's technique apparently involved high speed unsealing that let her send a daunting amount of metal downrange. The projectiles bounced off Fu's gauntlets, but dug in elsewhere, sending the foreign genin crashing to the ground with a spray of blood and dirt.

Thanks to the Sharingan, Sasuke could see the moment a kunai hit Fu's hamstring, neatly severing it, even as a dozen other blades hit critical points that would be easily fixed by a medic later, but crippling now. He also saw the green chakra flood Fu's body, and how under its influence the severed muscles and tendons lit up, snaked into position, and _repaired themselves in seconds_.

What. The. Fuck.

There are dozens of ways to swiftly heal wounds on the battlefield, but only two that can flawlessly repair so much damage without constant input from the user or hand signs. It couldn't be Senju Tsunade's Art of Mitotic Regeneration; not from a Taki ninja with zero apparent skill in medical jutsu. But that meant…

She's a jinchuriki. She has the Seven-Tailed Beetle sealed in her back. She's a jinchuriki, and the beetle is freely helping her, because Sasuke's seen what the container of an uncooperative biju looks like and Fu's borrowed chakra is smooth, even, and not going anywhere near her brain. Tenten is _screwed_.

Tenten is not screwed. Even as Fu climbs to her feet, shedding kunai as her wounds seal, the jinchuriki takes the weighted end of a kusari-gama to the face and goes right back down again. It slows her down just long enough for Tenten to draw another scroll and shroud her opponent in thick, off-white gas. Not smoke, some kind of drug.

Which isn't a bad idea against somebody who's resistant to direct attacks, but even without an Uzumaki immune system Sasuke doubts it'll stop Fu. The jinchuriki _screams_ , and the toxic cloud gets blown apart by a blast of raw wind chakra and sound. The spiny, chitinous armor has spread up to her shoulders now, and how did he not notice it looks like an exoskeleton before? Regardless, Fu is moving even faster now, and she zig-zags her approach, which doesn't throw Tenten's aim off at all. Kunai, shuriken, and senbon keep finding vital points, sending Fu stumbling but unable to do permanent damage. The armor spreads further, forming the beginnings of a winged breastplate, and with a frown Tenten switches scrolls.

Sasuke thinks she's realized she's on the clock. The longer this fight goes, the more armor and biju chakra Fu will build up. Eventually, those blades won't be able to do any damage. Tenten needs to win now, and she'll probably go for lethal force since Fu's proven that anything less only slows her down.

The new scrolls were black-trimmed red rather than the red-trimmed white Tenten was using before, which would be ominous if not for the incoming jinchuriki who was commanding most of Sasuke's attention and Great Sage on High!

Okay. Yeah. Somehow, Tenten had the contents of an entire armory sealed inside those scrolls. Which she could direct with perfect accuracy. She also had every single weapon she threw earlier on wires. Which she used to throw them too. Did… Did she actually _win_?

" **SkeeeAAAAAAAA!"** She didn't win. Fu rises from the mound of steel like it's a pile of leaves in autumn, entire body covered in angular, black plates, her eyes glittering green with a thousand facets. Two pairs of gossamer, green wings buzz on her back. **"Come on! I wasn't trying to kill you, and you go and- Freaking ow! Not cool!"**

She's _still_ in control. And mostly just annoyed by an attack that would have turned almost anyone else into a red smear on the ground. A small part of Sasuke's mind wonders what the _fuck_ the exam proctors were _smoking_ when they seeded him higher than these two, while the rest mostly just panics. What kind of technique could he possibly learn in a month to give him a chance against a jinchuriki who's enjoying all the benefits of her status, with none of the drawbacks?!

"Iconceedpleasedon'thurtmeIconceed!" Tenten squeaks, pale as a sheet, any semblance of defiance totally eradicated.

" **Oh, come on! You make me ramp up to four tails just so I don't** _ **die**_ **to your jutsu, and then you give up?! Seriously?"** Fu moans, the mandibles on her helm clicking as she talks **"You know what? Fine. Whatever. Okay. I won, everything's cool, I WON! Yeah!"** There's something very wrong about watching a partially manifested biju do a dorky victory dance, but Sasuke's too busy freaking out to go into specifics. Look at the positives, Sasuke. You're statistically unlikely to have to face her first round, and she won't try to kill you unless you go lethal first. Yeah.

Fu meanwhile takes a contemplative look at the stands, and buzzes up to take a seat across from where the other conscious genin are gathered in various states of 'oh shit.' She assumes a meditative pose there, and starts slowly feeding her biju chakra back into her seal. Looks like she doesn't have all up-side after all. It's taking her a lot of effort to power down again. Not that Sasuke found that particular weakness very comforting.

Compartmentalizing his worries for later (big brother probably knows a way to beat a jinchuriki), Sasuke turned his attention back to the arena, where a splash of pink, red, and silver stands out like a sore thumb against the dusty earth of the arena. If Sakura wins, he wants to see it. If she loses, he needs to see it. So he can avenge her later by incinerating that Hyuga.

Hyuga Neji looked like an average specimen of his inherently inferior and cripplingly inflexible clan. He had the typical dark hair, silver eyes, wiry build, and wooden sneer by all evidence issued to every Hyuga but Hinata at birth. No calluses, no armor, and lightly armed, with none of the muscle patterns built up by constant hand sign practice. To be fair, Hyuga gentle fist is an exceptionally dangerous fighting style. But everybody knows that, and so knows to fight Hyuga at a distance.

Since they all think their heritage and gentle fist makes them automatically superior to their opponents, nearly all of them are useless at distances farther than arm's length. Yet another reason why the Uchiha are superior in every way. Hopefully, Sakura would find a way to exploit that.

Sakura bowed politely to her opponent, which Neji failed to return. What a jerk! If your opponent doesn't bow, then you don't have to. But if they do, and you're not trying to ambush them, to not return the gesture… It's called common courtesy for a reason! And here Sasuke'd thought his opinion of the guy couldn't go any lower.

"Weak," The Hyuga announces, sending an unenhanced glare at Sakura, "Your path ends here." Oh, Kami, is he monologuing?!

"Maybe. Maybe not," Sakura hedges, drawing a kunai and spinning it around her fingers to disguise their shaking. Behind her, Danketsu rises silently into the sky. "Pretty sure you can't see the future, no matter how fancy your eyes are."

"I can," He proclaims. He is monologuing. He's even less competent than Sasuke thought. "Your destiny is to be defeated. Here. By me."

"Eeehh," Sakura definitely noticed he wants to talk, because she does her best to string him out. She has a plan, Sasuke decides. Probably involving whatever Danketsu was doing. "Destiny? Sounds like an excuse for not trying to me."

"Hah. You don't understand the true, inescapable nature of this world we live in," Neji sneered, "Not that I can see how. Born clanless, clawing and scraping desperately for the scraps of what comes naturally to the people all around you, your so-called friends. One day soon, they'll leave you in the dust, soaring on the wings of their inherent skill while your fate fails to live up to your lofty dreams."

" _Clanless?!_ You- you ignoramus! The Haruno are so a clan!" Oh, and he's gone and pissed her off. All he needs to do now is keep his Byakugan off until she sucker-punches him, and this match is in the bag. "And we've got a basic understanding of courtesy and tact, so that puts all of us up one on you at least. Don't wanna tar your whole family with the same brush. Then I'd sound like you!"

"A loose confederation of merchants and ronin bound by a few generations of marriage and mutual greed hardly counts as a clan," Neji tried to be clever, and landed squarely in idiot, in Sasuke's humble opinion. Uchiha clan records dated two hundred years ago mentioned getting a shipment of quality kunai from a Haruno caravan; Sasuke'd been curious about the civilian girl who was keeping up with a classroom full of clan heirs, and he'd done some research back in the academy. It was entirely possible that her family had been around _longer_ than his or Neji's.

A black sphere the size of a fist fell from the sky and hit the ground behind Neji, bouncing twice before settling a few feet behind him. The Hyuga didn't notice.

"Explains a lot that you're unfamiliar with the concept of adding fresh blood to the clan," Sakura shot back, prompting a universal wince from the Kage box. Every kekkei genkai clan carefully monitored who their members married to maximize the chances of passing their unique abilities on. The Hyuga are particularly militant about this, even using seals to control their branch families, who are in theory 'less pure' because they don't stand to inherit anything. "You should try dating somebody who isn't your first cousin. Might be surprised."

Neji flushed bright red, his pale complexion making the color stand out, and made a hand sign, presumably to finally activate his Byakugan. Behind her back, Sakura raised her left sleeve, and touched her right hand to her left. A delicate tracery of seals drawn in henna on her hand lit up with chakra, allowing Sasuke to read them. A remote detonator seal. Oh, that was vicious. Sasuke approved.

The black demolition charge behind Neji lit up too. It then proceeded to explode.

Not being buried, shaped, or contained in any way robbed the high explosives of much of their power. They still flayed Neji's clothes to rags, covered him in burns and bruises, and flung him forward. Straight into Sakura's steel knuckles.

The girl had all the time she needed to set up the perfect blow, and in the air Neji had no way to dodge, block, or even roll with it. Sakura smashed him out of the air with every bit of strength and weight she could muster. Something in the Hyuga's face broke with an audible 'crack!', and he stalled briefly in mid-air, allowing Sakura to hop backward. Danketsu swept into the space and delivered a measured body blow, sending Neji skyward again.

Sakura tried to follow up with a handful of shuriken, but Neji astonishingly wasn't actually all talk. Pushing through his injuries, the boy drew a kunai attached to a long, thin chain from his pouch, hurled it into the wall behind Sakura, and yanked hard. Accepting the shuriken hits, he drove into Sakura's space, deflected her defensive punch, and slammed home a deceptively light-looking series of strikes.

Sakura wobbled, and tried to attack again, but her legs failed to support her and she fell on her face. Neji moved to finish Sakura off, but Danketsu swooped in to defend her friend. The Hyuga threw himself stiffly to the side, throwing his palms toward the steel-type. His hand grazed bare titanium skin, and she immediately started to lose altitude.

Unfortunately for Neji, this caused the beldum clip to his shoulder as she passed, dislocating his arm with a sickening 'pop!'. For a moment, all three were still. Danketsu tried to move, but her magnetic levitation refused to lift her, and she only managed to roll over once. Sakura weakly scrabbled her limbs across the dirt, unable to muster the coordination to reach her feet. Neji slowly, painfully, dragged himself to a knee, and then to stand, blood oozing from half a dozen cuts and punctures. His left arm hung limp, and one of his cheekbones had been left flattened by Sakura's punch. His entire body was covered in burns, dirt, and gravel. It was clearly taking everything he had just to stand.

But he was standing, and Sakura was not. Neji slowly worked his jaw, and then spat a piece of tooth to the side. "Thus is the fate of the weak," He forced out, "Ruminate on that, if you can still hear me."

Sakura's arms and legs might not be responding very well at the moment, but her neck worked just fine, and she glared up at the older genin. "Go. To. Hell."

He actually chuckled at her, just a little, as he limped for the door, ignoring the pair of medic-ninja attempting to get him onto a stretcher. "I'm already there."

* * *

Sasuke, meanwhile, had already jumped down into the arena, Ha at his heels, and walked with a… certain amount of urgency to Sakura's side, where another doctor was busy checking her over. He didn't say anything, but the medic must have picked something up.

"Ms. Haruno will be fine," the white-clad man reassured them, "Kid was angry and desperate, but he didn't go for the kill. Honestly, there isn't too much I can do. The numbing effects will wear off in fifteen minutes or so, and anything I could do to get her functional faster runs the risk of causing permanent harm later. Same with the… metal thing. I think. They didn't exactly cover whatever that is in med school."

"Beldum." Danketsu rose to a shaky hover a few inches from the ground, cyclopean eye narrowed.

"You said it," Sakura groused, "Sasuke? You or Naruto better kick that guy's ass, or I'm gonna make you regret it for as long as I live!"

"Done. He deserves it."

 _I'll help._

* * *

A few minutes later, Sasuke sat down next to Sakura in the stands, the girl leaning on her Pokémon partner for support. "Naruto's next," Sasuke offered, in a vague attempt to start a conversation.

"Yep," Sakura acknowledged, "May his match be more like yours than mine. Though, knowing Naruto…"

"Anything you want to pass along to help me with Neji?"

"He's an idiot? Skilled idiot, but talent doesn't give you brains."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and sighed, "I think I figured that out on my own."

 _Naruto incoming._ Ha pointed out to the field, where the blonde was making his way out, Hokori slithering alongside. Naruto was clearly doing his best to look cool and mature, which he promptly spoiled by pausing halfway there to pick his nose.

His opponent, the same girl Hokori had recognized at the party, made a face and shuddered at the sight, before unslinging a huge fan, taller than she was, from across her back and casting the carrying strap aside. "Okay, I'd like to keep this a relatively friendly match," She shouted out to Naruto, "But if you touch me with that hand I swear to my ancestors you won't be breathing without pain for a week. At least."

"I heal fast," Naruto informed her, missing the point completely. Hokori stretched his head up and helpfully licked Naruto's fingers 'clean', also missing the point completely and making her cringe. "We doing this or not?"

"Begin!" The Hokage proclaimed, years of political experience making his speaking voice clear to everyone in the room. Naruto immediately raised both hands into his favorite hand sign.

"Shadow doppelgangers!" A dense cloud of smoke escorted a small army of Naruto to the battlefield, "Let's take her down, guys! Chaaaaarge!"

Temari responded by opening her fan to maximum surface area. "No, no, and hell no! Eat wind scythe!"

* * *

'Wham!' Naruto and Hokori left parallel dents in the far wall amid the smoke of around twenty clones dispelling at once. "Why are they shouting their jutsu names?" Sakura groaned as she beat her head against Danketsu's side, "I thought we trained him out of that! And why is she playing along?!"

"I… have no idea," Sasuke whispered back, "Caught up in the moment? But I did get her jutsu. If we can get Naruto a fan, I might be able to teach him to use it."

"Small favors, I suppose," Sakura twitched an uncooperative limb, "Hey, I can feel my toes again!"

Down in the arena proper, Naruto was having… difficulties. Clones and taijutsu hadn't gotten past Temari's wind jutsu. Trying it again with his weights off didn't change the outcome. No matter how much chakra he pumped into his own wind jutsu, even when Hokori added in his draconic twisters, the sand ninja's more powerful technique overwhelmed them. The relatively basic technique couldn't handle enough chakra to measure up. Thrown weapons were sent back at twice the speed he threw them. Temari easily dodged incoming dragon rages. Her powerful wind jutsu was strong enough to block Hokori's shock and thunder waves. And every time they tried something, she slammed them into the wall again. And again. And again.

Naruto did his best to be on the bottom, because even though neither was exactly effective, Hokori's attacks were at least making Temari dodge. That meant he had a better chance of winning… probably. After the third time Naruto's head hit the wall, he'd stopped really thinking beyond 'protect friend' and 'don't stop'. Not to worry; a little brain trauma ever stopped Uzumaki Naruto!

* * *

'SLAM!' Hokori hit unforgiving concrete and collapsed in an uncoordinated heap. Beside him, Naruto managed to more or less pull himself together just in time for a more focused gust to send him back down again. Maybe Temari was getting tired?

She'd certainly used a lot of big jutsu, and even with the fan to make it easier she was just a genin. Unfortunately, Naruto and Hokori weren't exactly in great shape either. Naruto had long ago abandoned any strategy other than rushing forward. He'd had his skull rattled enough that he was mostly operating on pure determination, adrenaline, and the hardest head this side of Iwagakure.

Hokori was in slightly better shape, thanks to Naruto attracting the lion's share of the incoming jutsu. And the dragon was barely conscious after the pounding he'd taken, let alone ready to fight. Naruto'd been hit even harder, though, and he was still fighting. Could Hokori do any less?

As usual, he'd do his best to fight alongside Naruto. With a groan (Dragons don't whine or whimper, no matter how much they hurt. No, really.), Hokori drew from his sorely taxed draconic spark, as much power as he could manage and sent a howling twister screaming towards the sand ninja. Of course, she blew it away just like all the others, but if she was tiring Naruto would definitely outlast her.

'SLAM!' Naruto's latest attack ended with him face first into the wall, upside down this time. The blonde slid down to the ground, and tried to get back up. He didn't.

Naruto didn't get up.

He was still alive, because he was still moving. He _was_ alive. But even though he was going through all the right motions his feet seemed unable to stay under him.

Naruto wasn't getting up.

Naruto _couldn't_ get up.

And with the supernaturally persistent jinchuriki finally down, Temari sent a blast of razored wind at her other opponent. Hokori couldn't dodge left, or she might hit Naruto. He couldn't dodge right, because the arena wall was in the way. He couldn't dodge back or forwards, because he'd get hit anyway.

And Naruto was still down. _Down_. Which sounded impossible except that it was happening. It was happening.

It was up to Hokori to win, because he couldn't let Naruto down. Somehow.

Hokori reached for his power again, now more a banked lantern than the blazing bonfire he'd drawn from at the start of the fight. He pulled as hard as he could, pumping energy through a rarely used chakra pathway. Hokori almost never used this move, but it was the only thing that could save him now.

For the barest moments, time stood almost still, the dragon's vision tinted rich purple by agility's psychic chakra. In that brief span of time, Hokori coiled himself as tightly as he could, and leaped.

Thanks to the ongoing effect of his speed-doubling move, he had a perfect view of the incoming wind jutsu. He wasn't going to make it. He was too small, and even with agility couldn't jump high enough, and Naruto was going to be so disappointed and-

And he made it. How had he made it? There was clearly three feet between his head and the edge of the jutsu. Where'd the extra thrust come from? Why was Temari standing there gaping like a fish instead of following up while he was helpless mid-air?

He wasn't falling. How was he not falling?

Questions for later, when he wasn't in the middle of a fight. Whatever the reason, Temari was giving him an opening. Exploit it. He was too far away for a physical attack. Since he wasn't an electric type, shock wave needed a lot of power, and he was already really tired. Twister, then.

Hokori reached down into his spark again, drawing power vigorously as he dared. Use too much, and his spark could… go out. That would be bad. But if he didn't pull hard enough, he might not get any chakra at all.

The draconic chakra came slowly, reluctantly, in stuttering embers. Then it started flowing more smoothly. And faster. _Much_ faster. Hokori had just enough time to register that his usual squeak of surprise had deepened into a melodious trill before all his focus went into containing the _raging maelstrom_ of power filling his mouth. He'd never used this much chakra before. Arceus, he didn't think his entire spark had this much chakra in it!

Maybe spark was the wrong word. If felt more like a volcano, a tiny sun, an endless wellspring of energy that needed _out_ right now and so help it it was getting free one way or another. Instinctively, as the gathering chakra started to approach critical mass, Hokori opened his mouth.

Temari threw herself to the side as a coruscating, purple-blue beam of energy carved into the stadium floor to her left. Was… that a dragon _pulse_? Hokori had known that move before, but he'd never had enough power to use it. Now, he felt like he could fire a few more before he would get tired, and his chakra was _already recovering_! Which was crazy, for the record.

Also, he reflected as he settled back to the ground, everything seemed to have gotten a whole lot smaller. No, more like he got bigger!

Hokori coiled himself a few times and raised his head, looming over the sand genin opposite him, unable to keep a smile from spreading across his face. "Dragon _air_!"

Temari responded with another wind scythe jutsu, apparently her response to everything. Well, it'd been working so far. But maybe not now.

Recalling what his parents had told him nearly fifteen years ago, Hokori drew upon his chakra, not into his mouth, but into his new pearl, gleaming below his snout. The organ greedily drank up the power, storing it far more comfortably than his mouth had. Then, he took a deep breath, and sent a twister crashing into the sand ninja's jutsu.

As a dratini, his winds had been completely overwhelmed by Temari's fan-amplified chakra. Now, Temari was tired, and he was both fresh and stronger than ever before. It was her turn to be on the receiving end of a huge power difference, and it was immensely satisfying.

'SLAM!' Temari bounced off the wall, catching herself on wobbly knees. Not fast enough. Hokori had already used agility to close the distance, and came down on her with the lower half of his body. Then, he delivered a thunder wave, and wrapped around her, careful to keep his touch light. Until he knew his new strength better, it was better to err on the side of not squishing people.

"Muuuuuh," Groaned Naruto, as he sat up, one hand massaging his head. "Did we win?"

"Winner: Uzumaki Naruto!"

"We won! Yeah!"

* * *

The nine victorious genin lined up in front of the dignitaries' box, in various states of disarray. Sasuke and Ha didn't have a scratch on them, and neither Hiroe nor Chojuro were much worse off. Nozomi had apparently taken a hit or two from Hinata after all, as one of her arms was wrapped in bandages, although it hadn't seemed to dampen her spirits much. Shino was covered in dirt from his time underground, but essentially unharmed. So was Gaara, as he hadn't fought. The rather creepy sand ninja stood apart from the group, muttering to himself. Fu also stood apart; she'd managed to get herself down to a pair of wings and a set of insectoid, translucent plate armor, but the other genin were still leery of getting close. Neji apparently couldn't make it; either he was too badly wounded to move or the medics had tied him down. Hinata was standing in for him. Naruto stood near the center of the line, one hand holding an ice pack to the back of his head, while Hokori towered over him.

"So you did that evolution thing, too?" Naruto signed to the dragon.

"Aiiir."

"I figured."

"To all you who made it this far, congratulations!" The Hokage's voice rang out over the assembled genin, "As you all should know by now, the next round will be held here, in one month's time. Rest up, heal from the previous rounds, train hard, whatever you wish. Ah, but I expect you want to know your next opponent! Please take a number from the box. That will determine your placing in the tournament bracket." A chunin hopped down from the roof with a box under his arm, and offered it to each genin in turn. "Now, if you would please read your numbers in order, we will know who is fighting who."

"Number one, aw yeah!" Naruto shouted, "First for the best!"

Hinata held up the number two slip, and squeaked quietly.

"I-I-I got number three-ee!" Nozomi announced. "I always liked three. It's so curvy!"

"I'm four," Hiroe displayed her slip, "This'll be… an interesting fight."

"And I'm five!" Fu held up an open hand, "But I wanted to be seven. Darn."

"Six," Gaara stated disinterestedly.

"I have drawn seven," Shino shared, "Who is my opponent?"

"Me," Sasuke raised his slip, "I got eight."

"Then… What about me?" Chojuro fidgeted with his belt buckle, "Shouldn't there be an… even number? Are you… kicking me out?"

"I am afraid the winner of the fourth match will have to fight an additional bout, against you," Hiruzen announced, "The luck of the draw is against them, unfortunately."

* * *

"So, what are we going to do?" Naruto wrung the hem of his shirt with both hands, eyes moving between each of his teammates. "I mean, train, obviously, but what's the plan? The detailed plan."

"We'll need mentors," Sakura informed them, tapping away at Sasuke's table with an idle hand, "You won't get half as good practicing on your own. One-on-one time, at least. One for each of you, and one for me, 'cause there's no way I'm falling behind. Prove that asshole wrong."

"Speaking of which, Naruto?" Sasuke set his jaw, "Neji needs to know pain. Pain!"

"What'd he do?" Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Scratch your ego?"

"He's 'that asshole'."

"He's dead meat dattebayo!"

" **Haven't you learned by now?"**

"A-Auntie! It- It just slipped out!" Naruto crossed both arms in an X as he made excuses, "Won't happen again, I swear!"

" **I suppose I can forgive… once,"** Giratina's human avatar stalked into the room, prompting a gasp from Sakura, who'd never been allowed to see her before. **"It is a special occasion."**

"Uh, it's nice to see you, but why are you here? You just visited like four days ago," Naruto pointed out, "I thought you were, like, really busy."

" **Special occasion, nephew,"** The fallen goddess' eyes burned brighter, like flames of blood. **"I'll be taking your little friends. Hokori, Ha, and Danketsu."**

"Taking? Wh-"

" **They might be suitable for fresh meat like yourselves, but not for the kinds of enemies you'll be facing as chunin. They need toughening up,"** The shadows began to gather behind each mortal Pokémon, forming red-tipped bands around each body. **"You'll see them on my visits. The rest of the time, I shall… educate them. They will adapt. Or not. I wonder if Palkia still has that macho brace…"**

"Uh, what about us?" Naruto bravely ventured, "Shouldn't we be training with our partners?"

" **You've been doing that for a while, the lot of you,"** Giratina turned on her 'heel', dragging her hapless captives along, **"A little individual training will do them a world of good. Or,"** The dragoness shaped her eyes into the 'smiley eyes' form Minato had showed her, when he talked about his old genin team. Apparently it was a specialty of Kakashi's. **"Are you worried you'll never see them again? Rest assured, my home has many exits for a… creative mind. They'll be back a week before the tourney to acquaint you with their new skills. Assuming they master them..."** Giratina swept from the room, the other Pokémon trailing behind her like macabre balloons. Even clutching at the furniture or door frames couldn't save them now. Soon, all that was left was a vague itchy feeling as her low chuckle resonated in their bones.

'Tac!' The genin started, and dove for cover behind the tasteful furniture decorating Mikoto's household. Three pairs of eyes peeked over a sofa, and relaxed when all they saw was Uchiha Itachi setting down a cup of tea. Sure, they hadn't noticed him come in, but Itachi just did stuff like that sometimes. Having gotten the genin's attention, he knocked on a nearby door.

After some scrabbling, Jiraiya and Hikaru collapsed out of the broom closet off, gasping for air. The tiny space clearly hadn't had enough room for both of them to fit comfortably. "It isn't what it looks like!" Blustered the Sannin, as everyone in the room stared at him, "I was just in there… listening. Yeah. I listen at doors a lot."

"Honestly, I was just curious what Jiraiya was doing in the closet," Hikaru explained, "Seemed kinda sketchy, yanno?"

"Remind me to tell you what I did the first time I saw her," Itachi offered, now that everyone could see him. "Later. For now…"

"Our adorkable little students!" Hikaru declared, ruffling the two nearest heads (Sakura and Naruto). "We heard you were looking for teachers. You know, from the closet. Or wherever Itachi was."

"I came in through the door," The older Uchiha stated smugly. The other two jonin gave him a dirty look.

"Anyway," deflected Jiraiya, "We heard you all were looking for sensei. Naruto? How about it? You've gotten good use outta that one jutsu, but after that fight with Temari it's clear you could use something with more pop."

"Er… Not that I'm not thankful for the first one," Naruto figured he ought to at least try to be polite to the guy offering to teach him. And wind style: breakthrough had been very useful. That said… "But a little extra firepower never hurt anything."

"I'll take charge of my little brother," Itachi gave what passed for a warm smile on the average Uchiha, "I've taken the month off, so barring a war I'll be able to give him my full attention."

"Wait, you actually… want to train with me?" Sasuke let his mouth drop open, and closing it to keep up his usual front suddenly seemed like a really low priority. "Are- I mean, yes! Yes!"

"So that means you're with me, Hikaru-sensei?" Sakura deduced, "I… Well, I suppose Naruto and Sasuke are in good hands."

"Yep," The jonin confirmed, "I think you're ready for some of my good stuff, Sakura. The actual good stuff, not like that bait-and-switch I gave you guys during the genin test. We'll be working together for the next three weeks, and then reconvene all ten of us for the last week, to compare notes. Yes, we worked this out with Naruto's aunt beforehand."

"But for tonight, y'all outta relax," Jiraiya suggested, "Tommorrow might be a busy day, but for now, you guys just pulled off something most genin don't even try without years of experience. Enjoy the win, kids! You don't know when you'll get another chance."

* * *

 **A.N. If you give Frodo a lightsaber, you must give Sauron the Death Star. The first rule of good fan-fiction. It's okay to power up the protagonists, as long as the antagonists get an upgrade of similar magnitude. In this case, adding some seriously badass canon characters and OCs to the Chunin exams finals. As a bonus, the most epic Fu vs. Tenten fight ever written, maybe ever. They're not characters who often meet, even in fanon.**

 **Thank you, all those who contributed OCs! Sandemonmax for Watanabe Hiroe of Kiri, Chaos-Sableye for Tamotsu of Taki, and bLuewErewOlf25 for Sora of Kiri. Your help is appreciated. It helps keep the exams fresh, and the chapters coming faster! And don't worry, those of you whose OCs lost the prelims. Tamotsu had the bad luck of being the most expendable competitor in the eyes of the exam proctors, so they matched him with Gaara. He's smart enough not to touch that crazy with a thirty nine and a half foot pole. Sora… was really just outclassed by everyone who made it into the finals. He's more of a team player than an individual powerhouse. They'll get more stuff to do in the invasion. Oh, yes.**

 **For anyone who is curious, here's the seeding chart before politics and practicality came into play. For some very good reasons, things were changed. They don't want people from the same teams fighting each other in the preliminaries, so Chojuro and Sora couldn't fight. Kiba's a clan heir, and Gaara is enthusiastically murderous, so they didn't want that to go down before the finals. Neji, Fu, Tenten, and Gaara are all potentially far more powerful than their paper stats indicate (They're very specialized, and thus have a lot of low stats dragging them down), making them hard to seed properly. With this in mind, Konoha's higher-ups reshuffled the tournament org chart. This is the original.**

 **Sasuke vs. Rock Lee**

 **Hiroe vs. Tamotsu**

 **Chojuro vs. Sora**

 **Nozomi vs. Hinata**

 **Shino vs. Tenten**

 **Gaara vs. Kiba**

 **Fu vs. Temari**

 **Sakura vs. Neji**

 **Naruto vs Kankuro**


	18. Training Montage! Part 1

_There are 30 days until the Chunin Exam finals…_

* * *

"Alright, here we are, kid! Your new training ground! What do you think? Don't hold back!"

Uzumaki Naruto turned in a slow circle, taking in the rugged terrain and scrub brush surrounding them. "It's nice?" He ventured. What did a patch of bare rock and ugly plants three hours out from Konoha have to do with training?

"Think, kid," Jiraiya bopped the boy over the head with two knuckles, "What makes a good place to train?"

"Uh, clear ground with no civilians around?" Oh! "I get it now!"

"Yeah. We're gonna be working with some jutsu that are potentially very destructive," The sannin declared, "Big effects, high chakra requirements, and forgiving hand signs, perfect for you. My personal techniques, some of 'em anyway. I don't got a son, and my genin team… didn't make it past the nine-tailed fox's attack, but I think you're just as worthy to inherit this stuff."

"So what's first?" Naruto bounced eagerly as he spoke, "An epic, awesome wind jutsu? Exploding clones like Sasuke's brother uses? Wicked sweet seals?"

"Gwahaha! Maybe by the end," Jiraiya chuckled, "But right now I want to start you with something else. The art of summoning."

"Summoning. Summoning…" The genin scratched his head, "I feel like I've heard of that before… Is that how the old man makes monkeys?"

"… Yes, actually," Jiraiya blinked away surprise. He hadn't expected Naruto, never the most academic of ninja, to recognize the jutsu by name. "Although he doesn't technically 'make' the monkeys. Summoning is a teleportation technique. By sacrificing some of their own blood and chakra, a ninja can teleport a powerful ninja animal they've signed a contract with to their side to help with stuff. Contracts are valuable, and fairly rare. They're usually keyed to a whole family or even species of summon, the most powerful of which are as skilled as even Kage. I have the ninja toad contract, and I'll let you sign it. The toads have already agreed."

"Toads?" Naruto raised an eyebrow, frowning slightly. "That doesn't sound very cool… But ninja toads have to be awesomer than regular toads, so maybe they're cool anyway!"

"I assure you that toads are a fantastic summon!" Jiraiya gave Naruto a thumbs-up, and then pulled a scroll as large as the boy from his back. Unrolling it, the older man displayed a series of handprints and signatures, all in faded blood. The only ones Naruto recognized were the most recent: 'Jiraiya', and 'Namikaze Minato'. "They're fierce in battle, and equally skilled in stealth. You'll need to sign in blood, with handprint, and then you can try to summon your first toad."

"Namikaze Minato? The fourth Hokage could summon toads?!" Naruto looked like he might pass out at the thought. "Toads are amazing!"

"Heh, yeah, I guess that would decide it for you," Jiraiya's smile turned wistful, "Minato was on my genin team all those years ago. My last apprentice, before you. Big sandals to fill, I know, but I believe you can do it kid! So sign that contract, and let's get practicing."

"All right!" Thus pumped up, Naruto slit his thumb with a kunai, and smeared his signature across the scroll. The scroll stayed blank.

Jiraiya and Naruto stared at the white space. "Do it again," The sannin ordered weakly. Naruto gamely signed again, but still failed to make a lasting mark. "This doesn't make sense!" Jiraiya started pacing as he puzzled at the issue. "The only reason… I need Gama."

"Uh, uncle? What's going on?" Naruto stood up and turned toward the older man. "Shouldn't I be, yanno, able to write on this?"

"Only one reason why you couldn't," The toad sage slit his own thumb and made a few hand signs. "The toad contract isn't the most restrictive one out there, but there are a few things that might make you ineligible to sign. I don't remember the details, so I'm gonna summon Gama. He's the contract's usual guardian, and he knows it better than anyone."

Jiraiya slammed his bloody hand into the ground, and a man-sized, orange toad appeared in a puff of smoke. "Jiraiya!" The amphibian greeted, after taking a few seconds to check the surroundings for danger, "Wassap?"

"Hey, Gama! Got a question for you!" The sannin slapped his summon across the back, "I got the kid to sign the contract, like we agreed, but his blood won't stay on the scroll. What's goin' on?"

"Hm. Let me take a look at him," Gama shuffled around Naruto, pausing a few times to scratch his expansive chin, and briefly examined the contract scroll. "Well, I'll be. Interesting kid you got there, Jiraiya. It's the no compete clause. He'll never sign with the toads."

"What?! Wait, no compete clause? You mean he's already signed a contract?" Jiraiya raised an eyebrow, "But I thought you could have multiple contracts. Old 'Roachy signed with the snakes, and that weird barrier summon Tsunade gave him. That crazy old coot we fought in Kumo had owls and centipedes."

"Us toads ain't wimpy like that lot," Scoffed Gama, "We value determination and reliability in our summoners. You gotta commit to us and nobody else, or seek the services of a different and usually crappier summon clan. And if he quits the contract he already has to sign with us, that's not respecting a commitment either."

"Damned if you do and damned if you don't," The toad sage cursed, "Well, do you recognize the contract he has?"

"Nope. Like I said, he's an interesting kid. I can see the details of the contract, but it doesn't match any of the clans I'm familiar with," Gama shared, "It's got a no-compete, a couple clauses that look inactive right now, and a right-of-conquest rider. Somebody ever beats him and his summons in honorable combat, he's obliged to let them sign if they ask. It's also got the biggest, baddest chakra buffer I've ever seen. The closest comparison I can make is to the relics of the Six Paths Sage himself that Kumo has squirreled away somewhere. I mean, the toad contract's as solid as any, but this thing is crazy over-engineered. If you had the chakra, you could summon every single toad warrior three times over on a rig like this without frying the seals. 'Course, that'd take pumping a couple biju worth of juice through the jutsu, but his contract could handle it. Why could they possibly need…? I think I want to stick around for his training. Now y'all have got me curious."

"So… what do you suggest then, Gama?" Jiraiya's expression turned contemplative, "Just use the jutsu and see what happens?"

"Why not? Give it a try, kid!" The toad ordered, "You saw the signs when Jiraiya brought me in, right? Just use a little bit of chakra, and you won't get anything dangerous. Show us what ya got."

"All right!" Naruto worked his way through all three signs, taking them slow so his sensei could stop him if he screwed up. Then, copying Jiraiya, he slammed his bloody hand into the ground. A small puff of smoke manifested around his feet, and the blonde leaned forward, eager to meet his new, super-awesome ninja allies.

"Karp," A vaguely circular, orange fish flopped vigorously on the stone, then less so as it started to suffocate. "Magikarp karp." Toad, sannin, and genin stared at the pathetic sight for a few seconds, before it vanished with more smoke.

"How th' heck does a fish rate a contract built like a Daimyo's panic bunker?!" Gama voiced the question on everyone's minds, "Try it again, kid. Use a lot more chakra this time. And, uh, do it over the stream this time. It's polite."

"O-ok," Naruto walked over to the stream in a slight daze, his dreams of awesomeness evaporating before his eyes. Still, he gamely made the signs and touched the water.

"Feebas bas," This fish was smaller, and it actually looked sick, even though he'd summoned it in water! The brown and grey creature nudged Naruto's hand, and started swimming about in the shallows. It was very, very slow.

"Oy," Jiraiya face-palmed. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do. "Looks like we're in for the long haul, Gama."

"Oh, yeah."

* * *

"Sasuke, I understand that your first opponent is an Aburame."

"Y-yes, big brother," Sasuke nodded quickly, "Aburame Shino. He was in my graduating class."

"The Aburame clan have unique and powerful secret techniques," Itachi stated, staring out over the pond. The Uchiha brothers were seated on a small dock behind their house, overlooking the body of water. This training ground was prized among the clan for its ability to backstop fire jutsu, and Itachi had booked it for the full month. "Describe these techniques to me."

"The Aburame secret jutsu are all based around kikaichu, or destruction beetles," the younger Uchiha recalled, "They eat and store chakra. Aburame are exposed to them as babies, and the beetles make nests inside the child's body. The Aburame feeds them with his chakra, and protects them to the best of his abilities, and in return they fight by his side. This secret technique gives Aburame smaller chakra reserves than they would otherwise have, but directing their beetles requires no chakra at all. Their unique jutsu use the beetles to steal enemy chakra."

"They'll also use them for zone control," elaborated Itachi, "To render huge swathes of the battlefield inaccessible to enemies. Aburame like to turn their fights into battles of attrition, where they can drain an opponent with hidden beetles and capture enemies to interrogate or… feed to their hive. What are the weaknesses of the Aburame secret jutsu, Sasuke?"

"Well, it doesn't usually take down the other guy right away. If you've got lots of chakra and a good pain tolerance you can work through even a direct hit for a while. That's how Naruto always fought Shino back in the academy," Sasuke analyzed, "But I'd rather not settle for a Pyrrhic victory. They're still bugs, so commercial insecticides? Although the Aburame have to have thought of that and come up with countermeasures. They don't really like fire jutsu either."

"Aburame beetles are immune to all but the most virulent Sunagakure toxins," The jonin confirmed, "And fire is their greatest weakness. We will hone your fire jutsu over the coming weeks."

"But what if he hides underground, or uses another earth jutsu to keep the fire from hitting him? I've already seen him use a few."

"He has to send his beetles out to attack you. Stay on the move so they can't land on you without you noticing, and he will have to engage you personally or risk his entire hive being incinerated."

"But when I defeat him, I'll be up against Chojuro, one of the Seven Swordsmen of Hidden Mist," Sasuke mentioned, "He's bound to know lots of water jutsu, and my fire won't work well on him."

"Fortunately, I am skilled in water jutsu," Itachi countered, "I'll teach you the best counter-techniques, and a few jutsu of your own to catch him off-guard."

"There's still close combat. Do you know what Hiramekarei does?"

"The last ninja to wield it, Hozuki Mangetsu, was before my time," Itachi admitted, "But I think Father met Mangetsu during the Third Great Ninja War. He may be able to give us insight into its abilities. But for now, let us focus on your fire techniques. Until I am sure you can defeat Shino, any discussion of Chojuro's abilities is academic at best."

"Alright!" Sasuke pumped chakra into his eyes, dual, dark tomoes swirling into view on a background of red. "Show me how it's done, big brother!"

Poke. "Owww!" The genin rubbed his forehead, pouting. "The heck was that for?!"

"Sorry, Sasuke," Itachi smiled faintly at his brother, "But you need to put those away. You'll be better at things in the end if you learn them the long way."

"Is that how you got so good?"

"A big part of it."

"Sounds boring, but if it really helps…"

* * *

"Operative Haruno! Report!"

"Yes, Hikaru-sensei, Sir!" Sakura snapped off a smart, civilian-style salute, before dumping the contents of a massive burlap sack onto the table between them. "I have relieved fifty-seven enemy scumbags of their burdens, sir!"

"Excellent work, operative!" The jonin congratulated, "Break it down for me."

"I got these six purses and wallets off of Taki diplomats," The genin moved the indicated booty off to one side, "Total assets acquired: twelve thousand twenty seven ryo, a checkbook, fifteen receipts, two partially used make-up kits, one expensive tanto which I am keeping, and a bento box."

"Excellent!" Hikaru rubbed his hands together gleefully, "We'll be eating out tonight in celebration. What else?"

"These fourteen came from merchants based in the Land of Lightning," Sakura separated another group of wallets from the pack, "We netted a little over half a million ryo, enough receipts to give T&I an evilgasm, three pieces of modern art that'll need to be appraised, a diary we'll want to read later, and some juicy blackmail photos." She paused here to giggle, "Mr. Hamura has been _busy_. I wonder if his wife knows…?"

"Oooh, damn. With the bounty from that lot… I think we can afford to eat somewhere nice!"

"These twenty-seven are from Iwa merchants," Sakura shoved another group into place, "We picked up another cool half a million and receipts, eight diamonds, the smallest of which is 10 karats, three more diaries, an expensive tape recorder full of juicy blackmail somebody else recorded _for_ us, very considerate of them, and some of the best dango I've ever had the privilege of eating."

"Homemade always tastes better," Hikaru agreed, "What about the rest?"

"These eight came from the _dirty traitors_ who gouged Naruto on food back before Sasuke talked him into shopping in the Uchiha district," Sakura swept them off the table entirely into a nearby wastebin, "I already got the receipts and pocket change from them; there was nothing else worth keeping. But these two are the real treasures."

"Oooooh. Gimmiegimmiegimmie."

"This," Sakura held up a battered, leather wallet, "Once belonged to the terminally incompetent ninja known as 'The Asshole', alias Hyuga Neji. Kami that guy is stupid. Anyway, we netted thirty thousand in cash from the rich bastard, a brand-new set of kunai, a 'team photo' with Rock Lee's face scribbled over in sharpie that might be useful for blackmail, some _very_ girly hair products, a signed check for another five thousand ryo, and his latest bank statement. Also a grocery list.

"The other was secured, at great personal risk I might add, from a chunin of Sound village. Those dudes are seriously sketchy; all their genin lost in the second round, and they're sticking around to spy on the competition for next year. Smart, but sketchy. Anyway, I swiped this baby in a laundromat; the moron was actually washing the pants he'd worn in, and he put his wallet on the bench next to him. I swapped it with my twenty-first Iwa wallet. He didn't notice. Anyway, he had no receipts, and just chump change, but he did have a coded set of documents on him."

"Great work, operative Haruno! I call this mission a complete success!" Hikaru assumed a rather hammy victory pose, and after a few moments indecision Sakura mirrored him. "We'll send most of this off to T&I later, minus a few educational materials."

"Educational materials?"

"Your efforts today, operative, have given us a grand opportunity. In keeping with our theme of resource acquisition, our next topic will be the fine, fine arts of bank fraud and advanced forgery!"

Sakura immediately connected the dots, and promptly started giggling again. Hikaru joined in, and the laughter quickly welled up to epic proportions. "Hehehehehehe… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

Halfway across the village, for no discernable reason, Hyuga Neji broke out in a cold sweat.

* * *

 **"Welcome, little mortals, to** _ **my**_ **realm: The Distortion World!"**

Ha cracked one eye open, and his skin turned as green as his hair. _Oooh Arceus I think I'm gonna be sick._

 **"Hmhmhmhmhm… Father cannot help you here, little fairy,"** Giratina needled, sweeping one of her ghostly tentacles over the kirlia in a brief and profoundly unpleasant caress. **"Take heart. Should you survive here, nowhere will be beyond you."**

 **"Except Australia."** Nausea and the skin-crawling experience of being dragged between worlds by Giratina were temporarily forgotten, as the three mortal Pokémon turned toward the new voice. It was actually a little higher than Giratina's somber tones, rough and hinting of humor.

"Beldum?"

 **"Australia is a magical place in a magical land. Every Pokémon there is bug, fighting, or poison type. And they all thrive on the blood of murder. Even the cute ones. No, especially the cute ones."** From behind the assembled Pokémon a massive white figure floated, sprawled across an equally large, equally white surfboard like some ancient, barbarian conqueror. **"There's this bug-type Eeveelution with these crazy pincers in its mouth, and you can't see them until it's ready to bite you. So it'll-"**

 **"Brother, please cease frightening the mortals."** Giratina floated forward, greeting the other, _larger_ dragon with uncharacteristic warmth, **"We have business, you and I. Young ones, allow me to introduce you to my… dearest sibling: Palkia."**

 **"Ah, right, the favor,"** Palkia's surfboard vanished like it had never existed. Maybe it hadn't. **"You're using it on these guys? Are you sure they're worth it?"**

 **"We had a deal, brother,"** Giratina reminded him, **"I watched every single episode of that dreadful 'Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann', without complaint. In exchange, you promised me a favor, within reason. In exchange for teaching you to punch the recently dead back to life using the philosophies of your insipid anime, you agreed that there would be no questions asked."**

 **"How dare you insult the taste of the Great Palkia?!"** The dragon of space's shoulder pearls pulsed with baleful, pink light as he got up in his sister's face, **"Just who do you think you are?!"**

 **"Someone who has taken you eleven spars of fifteen,"** The fallen goddess grinned smugly under her beak, **"You in all your divine glory, and myself in this… reduced state."**

 **"You suck,"** Palkia pouted, crossing his arms, **"So which ones do you want me to take?"**

 **"That will have to wait for my… other guest."**

 **"Other guest?"** The god raised an eyebrow, **"So Mew, or-"** He abruptly fell silent, and made an odd motion that were he standing on something solid might have resulted in a jump of surprise. **"Gah! Father damn it, Dialga, how many times do I have to** _ **ask**_ **you to** _ **stop doing that?!**_ **"**

Without any motion, indeed any warning or cues at all, a third great leviathan, covered in thick blue and silver armor, appeared behind Palkia, one cold, metal plate pressed the back of his brother's neck. He didn't say anything, but Giratina and the mortals could see a faint smile peeking under the time god's helm.

 _Wait-wait-wait._ Ha finally found his voice again. _You're roping in the gods of space and time to_ teach _us?!_

 **"Who else?"** Giratina turned her full attention to the psychic, **"It is not like I have much of a social life. Mew is otherwise occupied. I am only really suited to instruct dragon or ghost-types, and I have little need for material goods. What else would I use a favor for?"**

 **"Okay… So that means you want me to take the kirlia?"** Palkia nodded to himself, **"I guess I can see why. I mean, I am _the_ expert on cutting moves." ** Dialga gave him a weighty look. **"Fine… The Swords of Justice** _ **might**_ **be a bit better than me. Just a little. A teeny, tiny bit. I still say Spacial Rend is cooler than Sacred Sword…"**

 _No it isn't._ Ha whispered to his friends. Palkia heard anyway.

 **"I can see why you thought he needed education!"** The dragon of space snapped his claws, and the poor kirlia vanished instantly. **"This is worse than I thought! I'll have to get started right away! Later, sis!"** With a second snap, Palkia disappeared as well.

Dialga stared at Danketsu. Danketsu stared at Dialga.

"Beldum."

 **"…"**

A single, massive droplet of sweat traveled halfway down Giratina's neck before she noticed it and shook it off. Probably Palkia's fault; he had this obnoxious habit of imposing anime physics on his surroundings when he was looking for petty revenge. **"I will… just leave you two to… whatever that is."**

"Ummm, not that I'm questioning your judgement or anything, Lady Giratina, but is Dialga really a great choice as a teacher?" Hokori ventured timidly, "I mean, he hasn't said a word…"

 **"That has nothing to do with any of you. Dialga does not talk,"** Explained the dragoness, **"More accurately, he cannot talk. Father, in his** _ **infinite**_ **wisdom, gave each his children control over a fundamental aspect of reality. Mew creates life through his eggs, although 'his' is something of a misnomer. Mew likes to be referred to as male, but he does not in the strictest sense have a gender. Palkia channels his spacial power through his claws and pearls. I created and shaped antimatter with my tentacles and a special organ inside my body. But Dialga controls time with his voice. Each word he speaks has the potential to destroy worlds, so he dispenses them** _ **very**_ **sparingly. In the billions of years I have known him, he has spoken only ten sentences."**

"Wow… That sucks."

 **"Now then… My brothers will attend to your friends, which gives me leave to focus on you. I understand you have recently learned dragon pulse?"**

"Technically yes…"

 **"Explain."**

"Well, I can do it, but it sort of goes where it wants," Hokori scratched at the back of his head with his tail, "Kind of like my levitation, actually… I was expecting it to be a lot more instinctive, based on what my parents said."

 **"We should start with levitation, then. You will have difficulty navigating the Distortion World otherwise."**

* * *

 **A.N. Did you really think Naruto and Sasuke were the most dangerous members of Team Seven? You poor, deluded fools…**

 **There's a new poll up on my profile. Can Sakura frame Neji for all the felonies she's committing? Will her tactics drive him to a nervous breakdown? You decide! This preliminary match isn't over until Sakura says it is! Shannarooo!**

 **And before people go crazy because I insulted their favorite anime, I want to make perfectly clear that Giratina's views on Gurren Lagann are not necessarily the same as mine. Seriously. Characters are not necessarily author mouthpieces, unless the author in question is really bad.**

 **I actually quite enjoyed the episodes I've seen. But considering what you know of her character, do you really think Giratina would feel the same way?**

 **Also, expect shorter, more frequent updates for the next few chapters. I'll be covering Team Seven's progress in learning as they approach the Chunin Exam finals. Thus, each character gets a short segment over the course of several chapters, maybe covering each week of their training? Something like that.**


	19. Training Montage! Part 2

_There are 25 days until the Chunin Exam finals…_

* * *

The jarring crash of metal on metal filled the air, sending birds soaring for miles around in a raucous, terrified chorus. In the epicenter of the terrified flock, on the top of a massive, rocky butte, two titans gleamed in the evening sun. The one on the right, a bipedal, horned monster of gleaming steel over dull iron, reared back and roared, the sheer power behind her voice making her opponent flinch, before thrusting her spiked shoulder forward.

Her opponent, stable on four legs, weathered the body blow with some effort. The shining armor covering his head glowed with radiant power, and he brought it crashing down, staggering the burly beast and sending another wave of sound radiating over the forest around. Battered but unbroken, she steadied her stance and slammed both horns into his head, forcing it back up, before hurling herself at his neck in a devastating heavy slam.

Kami he might be, but even Dialga must respect the power of a body blow from a full-grown female aggron. The males are formidable, of course, but the females average six tons heavier, most of it armor and muscle. Just before the aggron struck him, Dialga's entire body flashed silver, and when the attack landed it pulsed with power, throwing her backwards and almost bowling her over.

Rather than follow up one of his many powerful ranged moves like earth power or aura sphere (which would be far wiser than melee combat against one of the most physically powerful mortals in the world), Dialga charged forward, mouth gaping in a silent roar of challenge. His claws churned and scorched the bare rock as he became shrouded in the draconic flames of his outrage, but the aggron was undaunted.

Flashing a grin under her thick helm, she _met_ his charge… and the god of time himself gave ground to mortal will and steel. Still in the grip of his outrage, Dialga reared back for another push forward, and the aggron's grin grew wider as she lowered her stance. When the dragon came down, she slid forward, slammed metal claws into his right leg and torso, and _threw_ Dialga over her shoulder.

The god of time hit the ground, hard, and rolled smoothly to his feet. He set himself for another attack, looked down, and relaxed into a dejected pose, entire body emoting what his voice never could. Sitting between him and his foe was a single line etched into the bedrock, part of a vast circle, the obscure symbol of a Poké ball silhouette marking its center.

"You've improved, my lord," The mortal steel-type grated, her voice like gnashing rocks, "But shouldn't you know by now that outrage only works on, y'know, people without actual _skill_?" Dialga gave her a dirty look, and she laid a friendly punch across his shoulder. "Oh, don't give me that. There's more to fighting than your move set. I might not be able to use circle throw, but a regular throw can get the job done. I know a guy who knows a machamp…"

Chuckling like an avalanche, the aggron turned to the side of their arena, where a group of aron, lairon, rhydon, and makuhita clustered together, mouths hanging open in nigh-identical expressions of shock. Laying next to them was a single, shiny beldum, who'd apparently fallen out of the air at some point during the battle, and not remembered to get back up. The scattering of rhyperior, hariyama, and smaller aggron behind them exchanged knowing smiles, and a few bags of berries changed hands. "Mom is _awesome…_ " One of the aron whispered into the silence, and the elder steel-type's attention zeroed in on him.

"Since you're so eager, Cobalt, why don't you take the next match, then?" When the aron failed to move, she stomped over and bodily threw him out into the arena. "Go get 'em, son! I believe in you!" Cobalt looked up at Dialga. But that only got him to the legendary's knees, so he kept going, up past the mighty diamond of time, and finally into the god's face. The audience could hear the tiny Pokémon's armor rattling as he started to shake.

Dialga gazed down at the young steel-type, and then rolled his eyes. Moving toward the audience with deceptively delicate steps, he nudged the fallen beldum until she rose to a shaky hover, and jerked his head toward the arena. She floated out, somewhat steadier, and a dull red eye met a pair of narrowed, blue orbs. Then both of them charged.

Danketsu's body became suffused with a silvery glow, dimmer than the legendary's brilliant power, but it faltered and fizzled halfway to her opponent. The two young steel-types met with a resounding 'CRASH!', and stopped each other cold. Danketsu had the weight advantage, but Cobalt's four legs gave him better leverage than the beldum's levitation.

Taking advantage of his naturally more expansive skill set, the aron raised a leg and slammed a metal claw into Danketsu's eye. The psychic type rolled with the momentum, swinging her clawed rear forward and knocking Cobalt's helm askew. While the aron lined his eyes back up with the eye holes, Danketsu backed up, taking the extra time to make sure her iron head was working properly, and rammed the smaller steel Pokémon again, sending him skidding back a few feet.

However, with neither young Pokémon able to really hurt or move the other, this battle was going to be a long one.

* * *

"Ok, what's for today, big brother?"

"Jam," Sasuke knew that face. Itachi only used that expression when he was looking forward to messing with his brother, and wanted Sasuke to know it. On the other hand…

" _Jam_?! I'm all for pitching in with a few D-ranks for the clan," Exclaimed Sasuke, "But there's only twenty-five days left until the exam! Fifteen days before I have to be ready for team training. Can't the canned food keep?! Isn't that what it's supposed to do?"

"Jam is delicious," Itachi brought up mildly. Sasuke face-palmed; of course. Among the Uchiha, at least, Itachi's sweet tooth was well on its way to proverbial. Naturally, Itachi ignored his brother's despair. The teenager grabbed the nearest glass jar, and plunked it into the tub of water between them. He packed the jars in until no more could fit, and then motioned for Sasuke to pay closer attention. "Water style jutsu, for Uchiha, will always be exceptionally difficult. There is too much fire in our hearts and chakra for the opposing element to readily respond to us." The elder Uchiha made four hand signs, and placed his fingertips on the water's surface. Steam began to rise from the liquid as Itachi's chakra passed into it, and he raised his left hand to continue talking. "It helps if the water is hot. These jars needed to be boiled anyway. The preserves won't set correctly otherwise. This way saves firewood, and gives us a valuable opportunity for training."

Sasuke cycled through the signs several times, getting a feel for how they shaped his chakra, and copied Itachi, evoking another wave of steam from the tub. Soon, the water began to churn and bubble under the influx of heat. "This feels…" The younger Uchiha trailed off; it wasn't an easy sensation to put to words. "It's a lot like fire, but fire moves outward from its source in straight lines. This flows, and circles, even though it feels like fire…"

"Fire is the most rigid of the elements; heat likes to move in lines," Itachi elaborated, "Water, being naturally cool and flexible, is at first glance an anathema to it. But by boiling the water we bring the elements closer together. Another interesting property of water is that it is in many of the things we eat. The act of preparing food is an excellent and productive way to train in water manipulation, for a creative mind. Rewarding too." Sasuke's eyes narrowed as he processed this revelation. "And the ladies love a man who can cook."

Sasuke fell over backwards. " _Big brother_!" He whined, "You know I don't need to worry about that!"

"So do the men," Itachi continued mildly, "Although based on those magazines you think mother doesn't know about I hadn't thought your tastes were in that direction."

The younger Uchiha flushed bright red. "Stop talking! Please!"

"Foolish little brother," The jonin admonished, "There is but one path available to you. Embrace your anger, your frustration! Use it! Channel it! And… defeat me in a duel of words! For if you do not, you shall be at my mercy… _forever_."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

" **Aerial footwork. I can do it. Pretty much every psychic or ghost with legs can do it. It's incredibly useful. And based on what big sis said about you, you haven't figured it out yet. So it's a good place to start."**

 _Uh-huh._ Ha raised an eyebrow, _Didn't I see this in an anime somewhere? When Team Seven got a babysitting mission. Because I don't watch cartoons._

" **Anime and cartoons are completely different- We did it first!"** Palkia insisted, restraining an off-topic rant with visible effort. **"And who cares where it came from, anyway? The ability to change direction in mid-air with a psychic foothold is a big advantage."**

 _I've seen what happens when people without reality warping powers try to learn fictional moves. Kiba took three months to heal from that compound fracture. As long as it's a real technique, I've got no problem with it._

" **First is to see what we're working with. You can do some really cool stuff with the basic concept if you put enough power into it. So hit me with your best psychic. That's what the technique is based on for people who aren't me. I want to establish a baseline of your maximum power."**

 _Um, no?_

" **Really? I'm a freaking god. I assure you I can take it."**

 _That's not why I'm objecting. I don't know that move._

" **You don't know psychic."**

 _I do not._

" **You're a psychic type who doesn't know psychic. Is that even possible?"**

 _Not all of us have infinite, cosmic power at our fingertips, you know. Psychic is very tiring. Ralts can't do it. And when I evolved, I didn't have anyone around to teach me._

" **Well, what moves do you know?"**

 _Um… Confusion, double team, teleport, fairy voice, reflect, light screen, heal pulse, psycho cut, and slash._

" **Shouldn't you only get some of those as a gallade?"**

 _I have a sword. Cutting moves weren't that tough to figure out on my own. The only reason most gardevoir and kirlia don't learn them is that they don't arm themselves. The blade doesn't have to be part of your body, or farfetch'd and alakazam couldn't use them with their weapons._

" **Fair enough. What about magical leaf and draining kiss? You've got to be powerful enough to learn those."**

 _I know magical leaf. It's just useless. I get better results by throwing kunai knives with confusion. And I don't care how effective it is; I'm not kissing my enemies. It's stupid, humiliating, and unhygienic._

" **I don't blame you. Fairy moves can get creepy."**

 _Why do you think I want to become a fighting type?_

" **Hmmm. I guess the first thing to do is teach you psychic. I don't know it myself, but I've known a lot of people who did over the years."** The dragon scratched his head, performing some impressive and possibly space-warping contortions to reach. **"Uh, Celebi described it as a more focused confusion. She describes a lot of psychic moves that way, actually. Like, confusion is just pushing lots of psychic chakra at the target, until you get the result you're imagining. But it's not very efficient, because for every bit of chakra that does what you want, loads more goes into other stuff. So, if you try to move something with confusion, you're wasting a lot of energy also trying to warp space-time around it, read its mind, plant thoughts in its head, et cetera."**

 _So what I need to do to use psychic is focus all the chakra into telekinesis!_ Ha only had a few moments to celebrate this revelation, though, before something else occurred to him. _But… how do I do that?_

" **Well, you already know how mind reading, healing, teleporting, and defensive psychic chakra feels. Start by filtering those out, and then we'll see what's left over."**

 _Meditation?_

" **So?"**

 _I'm not complaining. I just thought there'd be more… something? I don't know what I was expecting, really. But this feels awfully ordinary for training with a kami._

" **Prepare to have your image of the divine tarnished, then. We're not** _ **that**_ **different from you mortals. More chakra, longer life-span, and bigger responsibilities sum up most of the differences."**

 _You're not serious. You have absolute control over a fundamental force of reality. I'm pretty sure that would give you an edge no matter how much chakra and experience I had._

Palkia actually laughed at that. **"Again, that's a product of the first three. Most psychic types and dragons could do what I do if they had access to similar amounts of raw power. Not as well, because I've had more practice, but they could do it. Dialga goes and gets his tin-plated ass kicked every other week by that aggron he's been crushing on for the past fifty years. Silver still won't shut up about that Ash Ketchum kid and his pikachu. Even Father is surprised sometimes by mortal ingenuity and power. Once you've tired yourself out training, remind me to tell you the tale of the time He got challenged to a formal duel. Let me tell you, that smeargle had the biggest balls to ever** _ **exist**_ **…"**

* * *

"Other ninja might go complaining about genjutsu or sealing. Don't listen to them. The art of forgery, at least at the highest levels, is the most difficult thing a ninja will ever learn. Good thing too. If any genin off the street could produce flawless documents, the global economy would collapse in days. So I am not exaggerating when I say that this is the most powerful, dangerous, and rewarding thing I will ever teach you."

By then, stars were dancing in Sakura's eyes as she soaked up her teacher's every word like a desert plant in a rainstorm. "I will endeavor to be worthy of your teachings, Hikaru-sensei!"

"Good. I'm teaching you this because I trust you not to misuse it. You specifically. No one else. Do you understand?" The jonin paused until Sakura nodded, "The main reason forgery is so complex is actually relatively simple. Tell me, Sakura, what do you know about chakra signatures?"

"Chakra signatures are a lot like fingerprints, except much harder to replicate," The genin recited, drawing from dozens of books and lectures, "Everybody has unique chakra, like no one else's. Even identical twins raised in isolation in the exact same manner will have very different signatures. They're very hard to read without a sensitive sensor ninja, an Inuzuka, or a blood sample, though."

"And that's what makes forging documents difficult," Hikaru explained, "For important stuff, people mix a little blood in with their ink. They'll sign their name, or if they're really paranoid, write the entire document in the stuff. Even if you replicate their handwriting, ink, and paper, it won't have the chakra signature. Stealing their chakra-ink isn't a great solution either, as the blooded ink only keeps the signature for 30 minutes at most. Less if a foreign chakra touches it by, say, swiping the inkwell. Once signed, they'll use a simple, sealed press to preserve the signature."

"That sounds pretty airtight," Sakura frowned, "Keeping documents from reaching their intended destination isn't super difficult, but altering them except through simulated or real damage doesn't sound possible."

"It is. Just very difficult. Every jonin has at least one special, secret technique. A personal ability they developed that proves them worthy to join the elite of the village; this is mine," Hikaru leaned in close, and spoke his next sentence almost in a whisper. "I don't have a name for it. Technically, this jutsu isn't supposed to exist. If anyone outside the village knew about it, I'd be assassinated within the month."

"For a paperwork jutsu?!" Sakura could understand the implications of how much damage such techniques could do if widely disseminated, but… "Isn't that overkill?"

"Probably, but it's not like I have any control over other villages' policy. What my jutsu does is move writing around, chakra ink and all. With it, I can move words from one place to another on a document, or even to a different piece of paper entirely. Thus, the chakra signature is kept intact even though the meaning changes."

"So, if I can master this technique… Oh man, Neji is dead meat!" Grinning widely, Sakura shared her train of thought, "Usually, people sign their checks at the bank, with chakra-ink mixed up on the spot. But he signed his at home, so we got the check… and a usable signature. We can forge our own check, which isn't in the chakra-ink, then transfer the signature and take him for all he's worth!"

"Exactly. Think of it as the opening moves of Naruto's match. Kid's on his own in the fight unless Lord Jiraiya teaches him to summon, but nothing says we can't engage in a little nonlethal sabotage beforehand. Heck, that's the ninja thing to do! So, what's the first step?"

"Our first step is to acquire a blank check from the same bank, so we can match their paper and standard ink."

"Yep! So why're we just sitting around here?"

* * *

"I can fly! Fly!" Sure, he might not be able to fly particularly fast, but Hokori didn't really care at the moment. "That asshole bagon my parents kept making me hang out with can suck it! I'm flying, and he's gonna have to wait two evolutions!"

" **Yes, you can. Excellent,"** Giratina's eyes made up for the expressiveness that her beak lacked, **"That means you are ready for the next step. Evading attacks in three dimensions."**

Hokori froze in sudden terror as Giratina slowly vanished, her glowing eyes lingering for a few seconds after her body. "Eeep!" Huh. He'd thought he'd left that squeak behind when he'd evolved…

* * *

Standing on the water's surface itself, Uzumaki Naruto psyched himself up with a raw cry as he focused a huge chunk of chakra into his right hand. With a quick kunai movement, he spilled a little of his own blood and flashed through three hand signs. After five days of constant practice, the simple sequence had become almost second nature.

At exactly the right moment, deep in the jinchuriki's subconscious, the nine-tailed demon fox slammed three of its mighty tails against the bars of its seal-cage. A deep cackle pervaded the seal space as the chakra flowing around it abruptly stuttered and scattered.

'POOF!' Back in the physical world, a puff of smoke accompanied a small, green caterpillar with a red horn into the water. It promptly started to drown. Frozen in surprise for only a moment, Naruto gently scooped up the creature and stepped up onto dry land. He held it up for Jiraiya and Gama to see, cradled in his hands as it coughed up water. "Uh, I got a worm this time. Is that good?"

"…Possibly?" Jiraiya ventured. Toad and toad sage watched as the bug recovered from its dousing, and started inching its way up the underside of Naruto's arm. "It might make a good intelligence summon, if it can talk."

"Caterpie!" The thing stated cheerfully, rearing up a little and waving its stubby forelegs.

"Or it can just say its name and nothing else, like absolutely everything you've summoned so far. Damn."

"This doesn't make any sense!" Gama groaned, "You're no master of water walking, but you're doing it consistently and smoothly. You've got tons of chakra. You should be able to summon a mid-level warrior like me with what you're putting into your jutsu, and I refuse to believe that _morsel_ is as strong as a fighting toad!" With a squeak of fear and another puff of smoke, the caterpillar vanished.

"So what could… the fox!" The sannin snapped his fingers to emphasize his point, "If Naruto isn't doing something wrong, and to the best of our expert knowledge he isn't, something else must be messing him up. Whatever it is would need direct access to his chakra and enough petty malice to make him fail even when it doesn't matter at all."

"Damn it," Naruto slumped into a dejected heap on the shore, "That sounds like the fox to me. Muther fucking- Gah!" A sharp spike of pain from near his belly button sent the jinchuriki flailing straight into the stream. "You know what, uncle?" Naruto's voice stayed level, but his eyebrows were twitching as he pulled himself back onto dry land. "I never thought I _could_ hate the fox more than I did. I was very, very wrong. But if it's _his_ fault, is there anything we can do? I mean, I can't exactly ask him to be nice or something."

"That… was actually the plan," Jiraiya admitted, collapsing to a seat next to his godson, "I know from Itachi and your sensei that you've already accessed the fox's chakra a few times before. My contacts in Iwagakure seemed to think that jinchuriki have an easier time contacting their prisoners when they're low on chakra, so I gave you a useful and chakra-intensive jutsu to practice. In theory, that would give you a good chance of accessing the fox's chakra. But unless you're hiding something from me, you haven't yet, and I think you should have gotten something by now."

"Uh, if I had used the fox's chakra, we'd all know," Naruto confirmed, "Using it feels like my blood is on fire, and it makes my teeth and nails all pointy."

"Well, the previous times you've used the fox's power, how'd you draw the chakra out?" The toad sage asked, "I heard the reports, but you were living it."

"The first time, Mizuki convinced me I _was_ the demon, and got me to blame myself for everybody it and Danzo ever killed," Shared the jinchuriki, "The second time I thought Sasuke'd just died, and I kinda lost it. The only reason I didn't kill anybody is that a giant metal monster beat me down with a mist ninja."

"Let's… not try those ways," Backtracked Jiraiya, "Berserk with grief and existential despair are neither things I want to inflict on you nor particularly helpful emotions in a battle. Maybe if you got angry or frustrated? You had to have been that day, what with failing the genin test."

"Hah! I actually didn't fail that," Bragged the Uzumaki, "Mizuki fudged my grades 'cause I scored better than he was expecting. I wasn't even dead last. Shikamaru scored lower than me. Only 'cause he's a slacker, but still. And it turned out good in the end. I got some wicked sweet stuff outta the scroll I stole, like shadow clones and… that… other scroll." Naruto pitched himself forward and unleashed a muffled scream of frustration into the dirt. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" With each repetition he slammed his forehead into the ground.

"Uh…"

"Uncle Jiraiya, is it easier to summon somebody you know?" Naruto's voice was understandable, but somewhat muffled, as he hadn't rolled over.

"Yes?" The toad sage wasn't totally sure where his student was going with this, although he had some guesses. "The chakra cost won't change, but it gets a lot harder to mess up. I barely have to think about it to summon most of the toads these days, because we know each other so well."

Naruto bit his lip until it started bleeding, swiped his thumb through the blood, and made his hand seals above his head. Still face down on the ground, he completed the jutsu with a half-hearted swat. For a few tense seconds, nothing happened. Then…

'POOOMF!' Smoke rushed up in twin clouds to either side of Naruto's hand, quickly clearing in the light wind to reveal the same black and white bladed dog and cloaked vulpine monk the jinchuriki had met that night six months ago. He'd, if memory served, sworn on the spot to master summoning as soon as possible… and promptly forgotten all about it in the excitement and emotional trauma that had followed. The newly summoned canines looked around curiously, before their companion from before appeared in another puff of smoke, in the process of pulling what Naruto now recognized as their contract scroll over his shoulder on a strap.

"Hail, Champion!" The scroll-bearer greeted, "It's been a while; we were beginning to worry something inauspicious might have occurred." The four-legged one barked a few times, and the lucario noisily blew through his nostrils. "Yes, yes, I should have trusted your sight. You didn't see the first one coming, though…"

"Wait, wait, wait," Naruto raised an eyebrow, "You seem strangely… nice. Didn't you hate me?"

"I have reevaluated my priorities," The Librarian declared, "There _have_ been perfectly suitable champions younger than you were when you signed. Considering the paucity of qualified trainers on this continent, an argument certainly could be made that you _are_ the most suitable Champion at the moment, although that might change in the future."

"Excuse me?" Jiraiya cut in, "Can you explain this whole champion thing to us? I think we're missing some key information here. Explain it like you would to people who have no idea what you're talking about. Please."

"Champion?" When Naruto made a 'go on' gesture, the Librarian closed his eyes a moment to compile his thoughts. "Certainly, then. As Librarian, it is my duty to research and inform the Champions, and history is a personal favorite subject of mine. Long ago, at the dawn of recorded history, well, life sucked, to put it crudely.

"Outside of a few small and zealously defended kingdoms and strongholds, the entire world was engulfed in conflict, with warlords and clans constantly vying for power and territory. Lives were short, violent, and unproductive; little survives from this time, and those who lived through it were keen to put it out of their minds. Exactly who the first Champions were is lost to the ages; for all our predecessors' skill records have been lost over time. What we do know is that they were men and women of immense skill and personal charisma, who united the six inhabited regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos each under a single banner. Then, in an unprecedented display of wisdom and intelligence, they came together, not in battle but at the negotiating table, and established the Pokémon League, an organization that would administer the entire world and ensure that war would never again engulf the land.

"Despite a few… disruptions, the League did its job well enough for thousands of years, led by the Champions of each region. To become Champion, one must be a warrior and Pokémon trainer of skill unsurpassed in their region, and both pass the tests of each of the eight gym leaders appointed by the eight largest cities in the region and those of the elite four, appointed by their international peers, the first of which were the original Champions' most trusted advisors. Then, the would-be Champion must defeat their predecessor in an officially sanctioned League battle, or sign the scroll when their predecessor has been dead or missing for at least 5 years as you did. This grants the rights and responsibilities of the League Champion, in this case the Hoenn League, including the right to sign the scroll and summon the descendants of the partners of Champions past."

"Okay, that just raises more questions," Grumbled Jiraiya, "These regions? Where are they? Are they still inhabited? Do they pose a threat to Konoha? Also, what happened to the Hoenn League? You make it sound like these were huge governments, but I've never heard of them. And the heck is a Pokémon?"

"The other regions are far across the sea. We are currently in Hoenn," Shared the lucario, "To our knowledge they are uninhabited by humans, and only sparsely by other intelligent beings, but we cannot know for certain as no one we've met has been there. I do not think they are a threat to anyone here. The Hoenn League, along with all the other leagues, was destroyed two thousand years ago as far as I know. The last time the scroll was used, before Naruto signed it, was by the boy's predecessor, Hoenn Champion Steven Stone. He, alongside Unova Champion Ootsutsuki Hagoromo and Kanto Champion Ash Ketchum, intended to battle a monster that had… depopulated the other regions. As there are still living beings here, I suspect they won, albeit at great cost. By that point, the destruction and loss of life had already strained the League to its breaking point. If the remaining Champions died in their struggle, it could not have recovered. I know not the nature of their foe, but Champion Hagoromo called it 'Ten Tails'."

"Damn. Our recorded barely goes back two hundred years; so much was lost in the Warring Clans period. Which was probably kicked off by the fallout from the rampaging, sure, let's call it Ten Tails until we get a better name for it. I wish I recognized those names… I'll have to check in with the toads later; they might know something," Jiraiya really wanted independent confirmation on that story, not that he had much of an idea where to get it. "But what's a Pokémon?"

"It's… complicated," The Scribe contributed, "I'm a Pokémon. So are my co-workers here, that dratini that was following Naruto around when we first saw him, and anything you'll summon with this scroll. At the most fundamental level, the most notable difference is that Pokémon and humans have different chakra. You have five types, and can learn to use all of them. We have eighteen types, but only naturally use one or two each, although somebody with enough skill and power can emulate the effects of off-type techniques. We can get you guys a book or three later if you want details; it'd take forever to explain. Not all of us are thrilled to have a chance to lecture." A glare from the Librarian accompanied the last sentence.

"I'll take you up on that later, but for now I'd rather focus on Naruto and you guys," Jiraiya steered the conversation back toward familiar ground, "You guys are summons, and you at least look pretty fierce. What can you do to help Naruto?"

"Through me, all the records of the Leagues are at the Champion's fingertips," The Librarian squared his shoulders and puffed out his chest. The metal spike protruding from it through a hole in his kimono gleamed in the sun. "And now that we have access to human society again, I assure you I can find proper reference materials for any topic he might inquire about. I am the Librarian, and this is my duty."

"I'm the Scribe," The monk contributed, "I handle preservation and restoration of damaged records. Books, scrolls, stone tablets, metal etchings, heck, I've even gotten data out of old pre-ten tails mechanical information storage a few times. The things they could do with electricity… We'd call it magic, nowadays. I can also write down anything the Champion might want recorded, and translate records in obscure languages or codes. And my companion here is the Sentinel. He… can't speak human. He can see the future with exceptional clarity, and uses that to predict disasters before they can damage the league library."

"He can see the future?" Jiraiya was practically salivating at the possibilities. Incomprehensible as he frequently was, the Great Toad Sage Gamamaru's prophecies had saved Konoha three separate times by Jiraiya's count. Accurate predictions from someone who wasn't senile had before today been a pipe dream, "How far ahead? How accurately? How cryptic are his prophecies?"

"The farthest he's ever seen is six months," The Librarian picked up the conversation, translating the Sentinel's barks and whines, "He's almost never wrong, and as long as you can understand his language he's not cryptic at all. However, he's trained himself exclusively to pick up major disasters like floods, earthquakes, and fires. If you want to know how likely you are to die a fiery, volcanic death anytime soon he's exactly who you want. If you're looking for a combat precog or a prophet, you want a different absol."

"So… you're incredibly useful in your specialties, but unlikely to help Naruto win any fights," Jiraiya concluded, slightly disappointed, "That's great, but we're really trying to get Naruto some combat summons. You wouldn't happen to have any advice for us, would you?"

"What have you summoned so far?" The alakazam asked curiously, "Aside from us, I mean."

"I've gotten a big, orange fish, a smaller brown fish, and a big green worm with red horns," Naruto related, "And I nearly killed two of them by accident…"

The Scribe winced, "I'm not gonna lie to you, kid; those are the weakest Pokémon you could possibly summon in their current state. But with training and dedication, they can all become extremely strong. That's where the 'Pokémon trainer' aspect comes in. We tend to gain power much more rapidly and to a much greater degree when we're working together with humans and other Pokémon. The leading theory is that the gods are encouraging us to make friends."

"I've got twenty-five days to get the strongest summon I possibly can," Naruto countered, "I don't have the time for that! Might try it later though…"

"In that case… We'll spread the word that the new Champion is looking for personal summons," The Scribe decided, "They'll be ready and willing when the jutsu comes that way. We haven't had a summoner in so long, we're not used to being on call. Er, unless there's anything else we really should be getting back. Like I said, we're not used to being on call, I may have left my kettle on, and…"

"Go for it," Naruto waved his hand around, finally peeling himself off the ground. "I'll summon you later if we have more questions. Doesn't take much chakra…" The Librarian and the Scribe both vanished in puffs of smoke. The Sentinel had apparently decided to stick around; presumably he had more warning than his colleagues. With a low, friendly yip, the dark type eased his head underneath Naruto's left arm, careful to keep his head blade clear of the boy's skin. He was endearingly fuzzy, despite the sweeping scythe, and somehow he made Naruto feel a bit better about his chances.

"So, improvement?" The blonde offered with a slight smile.

"It's a step in the right direction," Jiraiya confirmed, "Even if their advice turned out to be 'keep doing what you're doing'."

"Just give me a few minutes," Naruto grumbled, "I feel like a colander with all these holes in me."

"You know what a colander is? Since when do you cook?"

"You need 'em to make noodles, y'know? Other stuff too. B'fore you guys noticed I was getting gouged, I didn't always have the money for instant. I learned to cook a long time ago. I just don't if I've got a choice, 'cause I suck at it."

"Oh. Right."

* * *

 **A.N. Remember these guys? No, I didn't forget about them. Naruto did, though. In all fairness, he'd had a very intense day. And yes, it amuses me that while everybody else summons badass killing machines, Naruto's most effective summons to date are a reference librarian, a preservationist, and the most effective meteorologist and seismologist alive.**

 **The poll is still up to decide Neji's fate! There haven't been a lot of votes so far, which makes me think people don't care… Poor, poor Neji. Only you can save his sanity! Or not, if you prefer.**

 **As for Sasuke's comments on the merits of romance, think about it for a second. Who might the son of the leader of a eugenics-obsessed clan expect to marry? (Here's a hint: Sakura, Ino, and Karin never had a chance.)**


	20. Training Montage! Part 3

_There are 20 days until the Chunin Exam finals…_

* * *

"Sage Gamamaru! Thanks for agreeing to meet with me."

"Of course… Er, who are you again?"

"It's me, dang it! Jiraiya! We've known each other for decades! And you make me go through this song and dance every single time…"

"Oh, riiight. Jiraiya-boy!" The immense, faded orange toad gave a wide smile, "It's been a while. How've you been?"

"Fine, great sage," The human replied, "But could we get to the point? Ordinarily I'd be happy to stay and chat, but I don't wanna leave Naruto unsupervised any longer than I have to…"

"Certainly, certainly," Gamamaru said agreeably, "Shima said you had some questions?"

"Yeah. We finally figured out what the contract my knuckle-headed new student signed was keyed to. His first summon was a librarian, who shared some very interesting history with me," Jiraiya explained, "You're the oldest and wisest person I know, so I figured you'd be my best bet for independent verification."

"Eh?"

"I want to see if what he said matches up with what you know," Clarified the sannin, "Although… If you don't mind, how old are you, approximately? This might actually be before your time, strange as it sounds."

"Before _my_ time?" Gamamaru slowly blinked, "This must be some tale that librarian spun. Lay it on me."

"First off, I've got a list of names," Related Jiraiya, "Does 'Steven Stone', 'Ash Ketchum', 'Ootsutsuki Hagoromo', or 'Ten Tails' mean anything to you?" Those had seemed like the most important bits to Jiraiya. He'd try the region names next if he needed to.

Gamamaru slowly blinked again, the rest of his body absolutely still. Then his smile returned. "Hagoromo-boy!" The toad greeted… looking straight at Jiraiya. "I thought you were dead! It's been too long."

"I'm Jiraiya! Jiraiya!"

"Ummm… Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Oh… What were we talking about?"

Jiraiya face-palmed, then dragged his hand down over his chin. "Ootsutsuki Hagoromo. You said you knew him?"

"Yeah! Musta been, oh, at least two thousand years ago I last saw the kid," Reminisced Gamamaru, "Way too long. Suppose that's the way things go, though. Even with those eyes, he was human in the end."

"What eyes?"

"Why the Rinnegan, of course!" The toad seemed surprised that Jiraiya didn't already know that, "What other eyes would the Sage of the Six Paths have?"

"He was the- Bu-" Jiraiya's gaping made him look even more like the toads he summoned, "Ootsutsuki Hagoromo was the Sage of the Six Paths. The founder of modern civilization, the creator of all the chakra arts… and apparently the leader of a place called Unova two thousand years ago. You knew him personally?!"

"Eeehh, kinda? I only met him once," Gamamaru qualified, "Didn't learn how important he was until much later. The toad clan was still young, and we didn't know much about the human world; Heck, Fukasaku and Shima were itty, bitty tadpoles! But even then, word was already spreadin' about my gift for prophecy. Apparently I see farther than anyone who's willin' to share their insight. Hagoromo-boy climbed Mount Myoboku one day to seek my counsel. He had nine children, he said, fine sons and daughters all. Wanted to know if I had any bits o' future knowledge to ease their way when he passed on.

"I told him that one day a man with blue eyes would unite all his children, and bring peace to them and their comrades. Only learned later that he'd adopted the biju themselves; _that_ was a shock. 'Course, centuries o' prejudice, hatred, and power-hungry humans have warped them far from what they were then. To hear Hagoromo-boy talk about 'em you'd never find a sweeter bunch of kids. Heh, might even be that Minato-boy or your new student is the subject of the thing. Not likely, though. There's a lotta blue-eyed men in the world, and that prophecy was _not_ very specific."

"So you don't recognize the other names?" Jiraiya wasn't exactly disappointed with the information Gamamaru had shared; if nothing else it might help Naruto that the nine-tailed fox wasn't always as evil as it acted now. Still, it would be nice to learn more.

"I never said that," The ancient toad croaked, "I never met any 'o the others you mentioned, but I heard the names. Ash Ketchum and Steven Stone are buried in our cemetery, way in the back. Hagoromo-boy's other request was that we protect the graves of his friends. Didn't really cost us anything, and it was the right thing to do. They gave their lives to save the world, he said, and we were his best option to protect their well-earned rest. He was right, too. Warring clans never touched the summon strongholds. Among the things he carved on their tombstones was that they died defeating something called the Ten Tails, but he didn't explain further, just that whatever it was it wasn't a threat anymore."

"A tenth biju?" Jiraiya speculated, "Bah, if that's all you know then jawing about it won't make things clearer. Anyway, thank you for sharing your memories, Sage."

"It's always a pleasure," Gamamaru said, "Hope I'll see you again soon, Hagoromo-boy!"

"AAARGH! I'm Jiraiya!"

* * *

 **"… You going to make a move? Or am I gonna have to beg some time dilation off my little bro?"**

 _This isn't as easy as it looks, you know._ Ha gritted his teeth, his horns glowing a slightly brighter pink. After a few agonizing minutes, a tiny, dark stone joined the dozens supported by his telekinetic field. After looking the move over, Palkia gestured, and the three white stones Ha had surrounded fell out of the air to land with a clatter.

 **"You are much better at this than I was expecting,"** The dragon of space complimented, as he puzzled over the stacked planes of floating stones, **"Most people take a lotta games before they figure out seven-dimensional Go."**

 _I played a lot of Go at the monastery._ Also, Palkia wasn't nearly as good as he thought he was. Ha would never say it out loud, but he suspected people had been throwing games against the dragon to suck up. _…Are you hoping I'll die of old age before I beat you, old man?_

 **"Nope. Just waiting for… that,"** Ha's horns abruptly winked out, and his black stones fell like a dark rain, the strain leaving him gasping. Palkia promptly capitalized on the loss of opposition by blocking off a large chunk of territory with a strategic stone. **"You're not winning anything until you've got the endurance for an entire game."**

 _Just you wait. I_ will _beat you._

 **"Sure you will. Not dropping your pieces would be a good start, y'know?"**

 _Screw you!_

 **"That's the spirit!"**

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke's fist met the mist ninja's face with a meaty 'SMACK!', sending the masked foreigner staggering back. Capitalizing on the opening, the genin charged forward, Sharingan blazing. In his eyes, the counter-attack came in slowly, a sword shrouded in thick, solid chakra shaped like a lethal hammer. Reluctant to try blocking the massive weapon, Sasuke leaped forward, and thrust out his arm, slamming a hand into and _through_ his opponent's chest.

This didn't seem to bother the mist ninja much, as he grabbed Sasuke's arm to hold it in place and dropped his sword, a kunai ready to finish off the trapped genin. Sasuke smirked.

The mist ninja screamed, as waves of heat radiating from the arm impaling him set his watery flesh boiling, and his body started to lose cohesion. Then, the world around him started breaking down too… And Sasuke was staring into his father's active, spinning eyes. "Not bad, son," Uchiha Fugaku acknowledged. "Your strategy and reaction time have improved greatly since I last tested you. We will try it again. This time, Mangetsu will move with one-eighth of his full speed and power. He will also use ninjutsu. Are you prepared?"

"Yes, father."

* * *

"Alright! Summoning Jutsu!"

"Karp. Karp-karp-karp."

"Son of a-"

* * *

In a shallow cave set high in a soaring cliff face, two beldum stared at each other. One was the typical greenish-grey, the other a striking silver. Although neither spoke, a conversation was in fact occurring. If an observer had the magnetic senses of a magnemite, nosepass, or another beldum, they would perceive a complex, ever-shifting web of attraction and repulsion playing out from each steel type, clashing all across the room. An astute observer might even be able to translate what the Pokémon were saying. Of course, no one who'd ever met a beldum before would have been surprised by the contents of their exchange.

"Beldum."

"Beldum."

"…Beldum."

After a few moments of contemplation, the green beldum turned, and floated out of the cave. Another, identical in appearance, floated in.

"Beldum."

"Beldum."

Hovering in midair high above the cliff, Dialga threw himself into a gravity-defying slouch with a nearly inaudible sigh. In hindsight, he really should have checked the near future _before_ he suggested that his pupil look into evolving.

* * *

Fifty miles and as many years away, a kunai knife stopped moving for nearly a second halfway between Uchiha Madara's hand and Senju Hashirama's crotch. It then continued on its way, accompanied by a tiny noise that was lost in the din of battle. They never figured out why Madara missed, but it was rather fortunate for everyone who lived and would live in Konoha that he did.

* * *

"I'm terribly sorry, Lord Hyuga, but I'm afraid we can't do that for you."

"And why is that?"

"Well, it _is_ against bank policy to give people money they do not have, regardless of what names, titles, or ability to kill us all with one finger they might posses, none of which will be of any use in opening our vaults I am obligated to inform you."

"You are mistaken," Hyuga Neji wrestled his face into order with considerable invisible effort. He was _very_ careful to keep track of his account, and he'd made sure to save plenty of money for the chunin exam month, when he wouldn't be taking missions. He knew he had the money, and this- this bureaucrat had the gall to tell him he was _wrong_?! "Now give me my money!"

"You don't have any money in this establishment," Oh, that civilian paper-pusher was smiling inside. Neji was sure of it. "Why aren't you at your bank, instead of this one?"

"This is my bank!" The Hyuga ground out, "I've had an account here for eight years!"

"Not anymore you don't."

"Well, what happened to it?"

"You closed it, Lord Hyuga."

"I assure you I did no such thing."

"I can have ten witnesses here in ten minutes that will swear otherwise, two of them chunin and one of them jonin of good standing. I can have copies of the official paperwork you filled out three days ago finalizing the procedure ready in twenty." Neji narrowed his eyes, but without his Byakugan he couldn't tell if the banker was having him on or not. And activating the kekkei genkai in the bank would bring the chunin and jonin guards none-too-subtly watching him down like the wrath of the gods. "If there's nothing else, my lord, there is a queue building up behind you, and you are no longer one of our customers."

"I want to talk to the manager! This is outrageous!"

"Of course. Second door to your left, and take a number. Mr. Haruno will see you shortly, I am sure," Neji's blood ran cold.

"Mr. Haruno?"

The teller stopped even trying to hide his toothy grin, as he reached under his desk and pulled up a simple charm tied to his belt for Neji to see. A red circle, surrounded by a ring of white. "Funny how a 'loose confederation of ronin and merchants held together by mutual greed' happens to have administered your bank account for as long as you've had one, isn't it? Oh, Mr. Haruno would _love_ to talk to you, especially after what the guy you're impersonating said and did to his beloved granddaughter in front of five world leaders. If you're nice, he may even tell you where the _real_ Neji moved his account to before our guards arrest you, imposter."

"Wha- I am Hyuga Neji!"

"Uh-huh. You think I haven't heard of the transformation jutsu before? We get ten idiots just like you every day. And that's a slow week!"

"Rrrrgh!" Neji cut off what he really, really wanted to say by stuffing his hand in his mouth and biting down hard. "There!" He declared, slapping his bloody palm down on the counter and leaving a red handprint. "No transformation can stand up to that much damage for long."

The teller watched Neji curiously for about ten seconds longer than the recorded limit for a violently disrupted transformation technique. "Wow," He declared, "That is one impressive disguise. You actually got plastic surgery for this? Awfully dedicated for trying to crack a low-security account. Book him, ladies!"

Faster than the genin could react, a knee met the small of his back, forcing him onto the ground. A pair of callused hands wrenched his arms behind his back with practiced ease, and Neji reflexively activated his Byakugan to better respond to the assault. Sitting on his back and grinning with unusual glee was a young woman wearing the standard Konoha Military Police uniform, complete with Uchiha fan insignia and a single-tomoed Sharingan whirling in her eyes. "As ninjutsu-free bank robbery is a civilian crime, you have the right to remain silent," She informed him, "You also have the right to an attorney. I am legally required to inform you that anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Unfortunately. If the damn civvies would just get off our backs… Well, everybody's guilty of _something._ "

* * *

Eight hours later, Hyuga Neji stomped his way out of the local precinct. He was tired. He was hungry. He'd just wasted an entire day answering meaningless questions. And he still didn't know where his savings were!

From their perch in a nearby tree, Haruno Sakura and Fuji Hikaru exchanged a fist bump. Phase 1 complete. Phase 2 in progress, pending acquisition of a lead-lined camouflage cape.

* * *

" **Congratulations, Hokori. You did not die,"** Coiled around a bit of rubble floating in the Distortion world, the dragonair moaned piteously, squeezing his eyes shut. **"I suppose you have earned a break. Take five. Wait, you are alive… Take fourteen, and get some food and sleep. When you have recovered, we will do more evasion runs; this time with targets… for you to… "** Giratina trailed off, as it was clear the younger dragon had passed out. **"Er, how often do the living need to eat again?"**

"Three meals a day for humans," Uzumaki Kushina contributed, "About the same for him based on what he does when he's hanging with Naruto."

" **How many days has it been?"**

"Dunno," The human ghost idly twirled a lock of hair around a finger as she thought, "There's no day/night cycle here, and time here gets kinda weird compared to time in the human world. If I had to guess, way longer than he ought ta be going without food. Or water dattebane. Living people need that too."

The kami of balance blinked once, slowly. **"I may have to revise my training schedule. And have Jiraiya go on a food run for us, since getting caught by Father acquiring things I personally have no use for would be the dumbest possible way for him to find out about my recent… activities."**

"I wouldn't put it that way," Kushina hedged diplomatically, "But there's no reason to take unnecessary risks."

* * *

A silver-haired man wearing the Konoha Military Police uniform strolled out of the mercantile district station at a steady walk. After heading west a few blocks, he turned and took a shortcut down an alley. Three quarters of the way to the exit, he banged his hip on a metal trash can with a sharp curse, and continued on his way, limping slightly.

A few minutes later, a small, white snake slithered out from a crack in a nearby, wooden wall. Tongue flashing periodically, the reptile nosed around in the garbage scattered when the officer stumbled. Soon, it found something cool and smooth and dark red. While snakes cannot smile, this one gave off a definitive air of satisfaction as it swallowed the glass vial of blood and vanished. If it knew how to read, the animal might have recognized the romanji 'H N' etched into the container's stopper. But that would be ridiculous. Barring the occasional Inuzuka dog, animals can't learn to read.

Summons often do, though.

* * *

 **A.N. There is still time to save Hyuga Neji's sanity! Or not! Vote now!**

 **Next chapter, Naruto gets shoved off a cliff and adds a new Pok** **é** **mon to his team! Fifty thousand hypothetical gumdrops to the amazingly deductive reader who guesses her species! A billion hypothetical gumdrops and the identity of Naruto's future girlfriend if you get the** ** **Pok** **é** **mon's** name! (Because there's a lot more options for that.)**


	21. Training Montage! Part 4

_There are 15 days until the Chunin Exam finals. There are also 5 days until Team Seven reunites for partner training…_

* * *

 **A.N. In response to guest reviewer Muramasa123:**

 **Your support is heartening, and honestly, I was inspired to write this fic by exactly what you described. Things get boring fast when every battle is 'legendary smash', hence why I thought Giratina was perfect for the initial convergence point. She explicitly** _ **can't**_ **do that, because Arceus. However, I would point out that I have in fact inserted Naruto into the Pokémon universe, as the elemental nations are a post-apocalyptic Hoenn in this story. Also, by the end of the fic Naruto is going to be immensely powerful, if nowhere near his DBZ-level-absurd canon self. Definitely in the top twenty or thirty ninja in the world. I just feel like he should have to work for it, and let's face it, by the time Pain and Orochimaru come calling Naruto's going to need to be that strong.**

* * *

Naruto sighed as he poked a leafy branch at the creature cradled in his arms. The bug went through the offering like a wood chipper. Now if only it could do that to his enemies… Heh, all he had to do is fight nothing but evil trees and he'd never lose! "At least I'm getting the worm consistently now."

"Yeah, this _is_ working," Jiraiya confirmed, "Just not fast enough. Not by a long shot."

"Well, what else can I do?" The genin asked, "If there's any tricks you've been holding back, pretty sure now's the time, but otherwise…"

"There is one thing we haven't tried yet," The older man admitted, "C'mon. Follow me."

"Wait, you had a short cut the whole time?!" Naruto protested hotly, "Then why have I been wasting time with this crap?! The practice month is half over!"

"I didn't think you'd need it. It's a lot more... intense than what you've been doing so far."

"Intense? Where are we going?" Naruto carefully set his caterpie in a nearby tree. It'd go home when it was ready, and there weren't any dangerous animals to it this close to Konoha.

"Not far," Jiraiya shared, "Just a few hundred yards south."

Naruto quirked an eyebrow, "You really think a change of scenery is gonna make a difference?"

"You'd be surprised what you can do with the right… inspiration, kid. Hehehehe."

"Damn it!" Raged the blonde, "You're thinking something perverted again, aren't you! I thought auntie G trained you out of that!" Jiraiya missed a step and nearly fell over. Talk about a mood-killing memory.

"Alright, kid, in all seriousness, this wasn't my first choice, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You don't have the control to master summoning in the training time we have, so you need more chakra. A lot more. There's also at least one foreign jinchuriki in the exams; possibly two, if I'm right about that Gaara kid," The toad sage halted, causing Naruto to bump into his back. They'd arrived at the edge of a deep canyon carved into the bedrock like a great, open wound. "We need someone who can fight them on their own terms. Worse luck, there's something big brewing. Unrest in Taki, Amegakure's locked down tighter than Tsunade's panties, half Suna's jonin just 'mysteriously disappeared', nobody's heard jack spit from Kumogakure in over a month, Kiri's an enthusiastically proactive hellhole as usual, and to top it all off Orochimaru's skulking around in the background doing gods know what. I have no idea how it's all related, or even _if_ any of it is. And I'm one of Konoha's spymasters; it's my job to know!"

"Uuuh, and this involves me how?" Questioned Naruto, "I mean, I'll fight for Konoha if we're under attack and all, but I'm not sure what you expect me to do if you don't know who to hit. Spy stuff isn't exactly playing to my strengths."

"Konoha needs you, Naruto. Not whenever you blunder your way into your potential, now. We need you, and we need the power of the nine-tailed demon fox that only you can control," Several muscles in Jiraiya's face tightened as he looked down on his confused student. "I swear upon every god, Kami, and whatever the hell your aunt is out there that I wouldn't do this if I thought I had another choice. But if fear, despair, and rage draw out the fox's power…" Naruto's uncle raised one leg, and kicked the blonde's feet out from under him. With a scream of surprise, the jinchuriki slid off the smooth rocks and into the canyon, his voice dopplering as he picked up speed.

"WHAAAT THE FUUUUCCCCKKKK?!" Only his years of ninja training and instinctive urge to succeed against all odds allowed Naruto to quash his initial reaction, which was of course to scream and flap his arms in the vague hope he'd figure out how birds and bugs did it. "What do I do, what do I do?"

Assuming Jiraiya wasn't a traitor like Mizuki, which Naruto was not ruling out, there had to be a way out of this. His uncle thought Naruto was going to learn something before he hit rock bottom, and whatever that was could save him. Maybe if he used the wall climbing technique to catch himself?

Flashing through the signs, Naruto fired off his wind jutsu. The recoil slowed him down a bit and more importantly pushed him toward a wall. Desperately, he focused chakra into his hands and feet, suffusing them with a faint, blue glow, and made a grab for a rocky ledge jutting out of the side of the canyon.

The rock was a lot smoother than he was hoping for. His grip only held for a second, and when it failed the shock nearly dislocated his shoulder. So, not a good idea.

His wind jutsu _had_ slowed him down. But he could only keep it up until he ran out of breath, and it didn't have enough power to move him upwards, so that would just delay the problem until he ran out of chakra. He could substitute? Nothing in range. Shadow clone cushion? They'd just poof, and he'd get to see himself die multiple times before it actually happened!

Holy shit he was actually going to die!

* * *

'Splash!' Naruto hit something hard and wet face first. Oddly enough, it didn't really hurt. "Oooff," He groaned as he sat up, "I guess uncle Jiraiya didn't try and kill me after all! He musta… Where the hell am I?!" It looked a lot like a dank, dripping sewer, but without any of the smell. That had been the worst D-rank ever…

Even weirder, the drops of water falling from the ceiling didn't make any noise at all. The only sounds were Naruto's own heartbeat, breathing, words… oh, and that deep, sourceless, reverberating growl that rattled his bones. Wait, what was making that?

There was no use in sitting around here, especially if there was something nasty lurking around. He rose to his feet, pausing briefly to note how the water somehow hadn't soaked into his clothes, which was really strange, and on a whim decided to head right. After a few seconds of walking, though, the sewer pipe turned a sharp left, depositing him in a huge chamber. Naruto couldn't see the ceiling, but he could see a row of giant, metal bars, thick as tree trunks, forming a line halfway across. Obscured by the shadows but not totally invisible, a circular something was set in the bars high above the floor. Maybe a lock?

'CLAAANG!' Something huge and pointy and bright red slammed against the bars, making them crackle with yellow energy! When they failed to penetrate, they sullenly withdrew, and two massive, glowing, slit red eyes opened in the darkness, each several times wider than Naruto was tall. **"I want to devour you, but this** _ **vexing**_ **seal… Damn Fourth Hokage knew his stuff,"** The growly voice said, **"Hello,** _ **warden**_ **, so** _ **nice**_ **to finally meet you face to face… so to speak."**

The blonde held his ground mostly through sheer cussedness; nobody scared off Uzumaki Naruto! That said, this thing came pretty close. Why? Well, "Y-you're… the nine-tailed demon fox!"

 **"And you're the little moron who trusted the wrong sensei, again, and is falling to his death."**

"Wait, what?"

 **"The speed of thought is quite impressive, but it is not instantaneous. Tick tock, human."**

"W-Why are y-you here?!"

 **"Where else would I be than inside your head? You really aren't very smart, are you?"**

"We're in my head?" Naruto supposed that made a certain amount of sense, considering the company. Wait a second… "If you're stuck in here, then if I die you die too! So why don't you stop freeloading in there and give me some chakra, you stupid fox!"

 **"Hmmmm. Let me think about that for a- nope."**

"What?! Do you _want_ to die?"

 **"See, you're still operating under some false pretenses, human. I'm a biju. I can't die. Immortal, eternal, and unstoppable, that's me. This seal, impressive as it is, is a minor inconvenience at most. If you go splat, I'll just spend the next few decades pulling myself back together. Maybe a century or two; as I said, the Fourth Hokage was really, really good. It'll be unpleasant, yes, but not terminal by any definition of the word."**

"But if it's uncomfortable wouldn't you rather help me live?" Naruto was rather pleased by this line of reasoning.

 **"Nope."**

"Come on! Work with me here!"

 **"You really don't understand this whole negotiation thing, do you? I've been stuck in this sewer for thirteen years, human. I am very, very bored. Freedom would be worth the wait; at least the view would be better. If you want somebody to do something for you, you need an offer they actually want to accept."**

"…Even if I have to die, I'm not letting you out."

 **"You couldn't, so that's meaningless. This seal has a key, and can't be opened more than a crack without it. But that crack…"**

"Well… what _do_ you want, fox?"

 **"If you were to, say, loosen the seal…. Just to the width of your smallest finger, no more. Then, I could smell the outside world, and taste what you taste. Nothing else. If you do that for me, I'll give you some of my chakra to use. More specifically, I'll be able to give it to you without you being in the grips of irrational rage first. Enough chakra to save your life. And I'll even restore any that you use from my gift while you sleep."**

"That's all you want? Not sight, or hearing, or…"

 **"There's not a whole lot else you could give me at the moment. And you humans put way too much stock into vision; scent is a far superior sense in nearly every way."**

Naruto thought the offer over briefly; he was well aware that he didn't have much time. Without sight or hearing, the fox couldn't get any classified information from his senses. And while he didn't think he could trust it…

The one thing all the legends agreed on was that humanity's biggest advantage over demons was that they couldn't lie. They could withhold information, or put things in a deceiving way, but they couldn't say something they knew was outright false. The fox would do what he'd promised. Naruto would get to live. It didn't sound like the deal would give the demon a way to escape.

"I'll do it."

 **"Very well. Jump up to the lock, place a palm on the center of the circle, and turn it one eighth of a full rotation. That should do it,"** A single, immense claw tapped the circle Naruto had noticed earlier, and then the sounds of something massive moving emanated from behind the bars, drawing further away. The boy waited until the noise stopped, and then ran up the bars and rotated the lock, just a little.

"There!" Naruto declared, somersaulting back to the floor, "I loosened the seal. Now, pay up!"

The fox drew a deep breath in through his nose, sighed contentedly, and then cackled. **"You really suck at this whole negotiation thing, don't you, human? If you'd haggled you probably could've gotten me to stop messing with your chakra control…"**

"What?!"

 **"You wanted power. I'm eager to see what you'll do with it,"** A wave of red oozed out through the water, surrounding Naruto and rising up to engulf him. **"Now scram! I tire of your ineptitude! We'll meet again, though, I'm sure…"**

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes, to find himself still falling. Thankfully, he hadn't gone nearly as far as he felt like he should have, considering how long he spent talking with the demon fox. Who, by the way, was a _total asshole_! But, if he'd really kept his side of the deal…

Naruto drew on his chakra, and it came, just like it always did. He pulled out as much as he could manage, and then kept going, and dark, unfamiliar power joined it, surging through his body with a dull burn. Rather than the agonizing fire he remembered, the fox's chakra felt more like the annoying minor pain that accompanied eating something with way too much wasabi. Maybe it was because the demon was cooperating this time, sort of.

Even with just his human chakra, Naruto could overload his wind jutsu, which made it fizzle. It wasn't saving him. Nor were any of his other techniques. Even wall climbing was more about control than raw power, and all the demon chakra in the world wouldn't help with that. In fact, he only had one jutsu that he knew could handle all the chakra he could give it, and more.

Drawing a kunai and slitting his thumb with a practiced motion, Naruto made three hand signs that over the past weeks had become second nature. "Summoning jutsu!" Please work this time…

Instead of the smoke he was accustomed to with his small summons, a dark liquid that couldn't possibly be blood because Naruto didn't have that much in him spurted out of his hand, a rapidly expanding plane that left gleaming metal in its wake as it grew. And grew. And grew.

With an earsplitting, grinding screech, spurs of metal dug into the rock around them, and eventually slowed the fall of Naruto and his new summon to a shuddering halt. Eyes wide, he found himself seated on the blocky, flat head of a titanic, armored snake, the spines extending from its body dug deep into the canyon walls to hold them upright. Several bands of gleaming, jeweled gold encircled the segments not adorned with spurs, and a low, thick band of similar materials appeared to have been welded to the top of its head. Naruto was sitting in the middle of the… crown? The serpent spoke, in a voice that, while nowhere near the demon fox's level of sheer, vocal impact, still shook Naruto through volume and proximity. "Where am I? Who teleported me here? Why's there a little scratchy thing crawling around on my head?"

"Uh, you're in Konoha… sir? I'm Uzumaki Naruto; I summoned you here. My uncle threw me into a canyon, and I needed somebody to catch me, and I wasn't trying for you in particular but thank you so much for saving my life!" On a related note, Naruto was mildly surprised that he'd gotten all that out with one breath.

"Your _uncle_ threw you in here?!" The summon sounded shocked, at least Naruto thought so. It had a strange, harsh accent and, well, it sounded like a talking pile of rocks and metal. The two together made it a bit hard to read its tone.

"Uh, I think he had a good reason?" Ventured the human, "Or he might be a traitor…"

"Uzumaki Naruto, huh? The new Hoenn Champion?"

"In theory…"

"A pleasure to meet you, Champion. I am _Terra_ , and it is an honor to serve you," Naruto caught the name, but he didn't understand what it meant. Maybe the whatever it was didn't speak Japanese as a native language? "Wait, fishcake?! Your name is fishcake?"

Damn. Naruto'd heard that one before. "It's spelled with the kanji for 'maelstrom'."

"Is it?"

"…No," And man did that suck. Even if it meant his parents were probably a whole lot like him. "Uh, not to be rude or anything, but… what are you? I mean, I know you're a Pokémon, and now I know your name, but that's about it."

"Mmm. I am a steelix. The bones of the earth, we were once called."

"Er… Are you… a guy? Or a girl? Or other, like Danketsu? Oh, she's a beldum. Sakura says they get to choose. I don't wanna screw up and make you mad."

"I am wearing a rather lot of jewelry to be male," Terra pointed out, "And you would have to do far worse than mix up your pronouns to truly anger me, pebble."

"Pebble?"

"You are small and young and have much growing to do," The steelix rumbled, "Pebble. But even the smallest stone can become a mountain someday. That will be a sight to see."

"So, you want to stick around?" That would take some explaining.

"Not permanently. I would not leave my children so long without their mother," Terra qualified, invoking a sigh of relief from Naruto. Hokori's growth spurt was going to be tough enough to deal with, "But I would be honored to aid you in battle and out, as long as you are reasonable in your demands on my time." Right. Don't make unreasonable demands of the… sixty? Closer to seventy foot metal snake. Naruto figured he'd have done that anyway.

"So… can you get us back to the top of the canyon?"

"I could. It would be easy to tunnel my way up," She offered, "But do you really want to surface there? A man who tried to kill you might be waiting for us. I am confident in my strength, but there is no reason to borrow trouble."

"Oh, yeah," Jiraiya might be an imposter, or a traitor. Right. "If uncle Jiraiya's gone evil or been replaced, we need to tell old man Hokage! He's the leader of my village; he'll know what to do. He ought to be in his office this time of day. It's the biggest building in Konoha, and he works at the top."

"Should be easy to find, then. Climb down to my first ring. There are several seats worked into the metal so that smaller Pokémon may safely ride me while I tunnel," Terra ordered, "They should fit you. I'll take us underground the whole way, to keep your uncle from spotting us."

* * *

Steelix are some of the slowest of all Pokémon. However, they are also some of the hardest to stop once one starts moving. The average steelix is around thirty feet long, and tips the scale at over a hundred tons of metal and dense rock, the heaviest mortal on record. Wailord might grow larger, but as creatures of flesh and blood even they are lightweights in comparison. Terra is over twice the average length, and nearly eight times as massive.

The underground pilings sunk below Konoha's outer wall to prevent people from tunneling in didn't even register as different from the surrounding soil. Neither did the three abandoned ROOT facilities, the equally deserted lab once belonging to Orochimaru, half a mile of solid bedrock, or the pavement outside the Hokage tower.

Sarutobi Hiruzen gazed up at the massive summon blotting out the sunlight outside his window with quiet resignation. He wasn't worried; he could see Naruto sitting on the creature's head. But did they really have to burst up out of the pavement? That was going to be annoying to fix.

"Grandpa Hokage!" Naruto called out as the metal snake lowered its head to a conversational elevation. "I got a problem! Uncle Jiraiya's an imposter! Or a traitor! Maybe both!"

"That is a very serious accusation," The Hokage stated, "I assume you have proof of this?"

"Of course! Wouldn't have come here without it! He tried to teach me summoning by pushing me off a cliff!" Naruto's outrage turned slightly sheepish, "Okay, so it worked, but I almost died!"

"If nothing else, that man is criminally irresponsible," Contributed the summon, "Do you really want him alone with your grandson if that is his idea of acceptable teaching methods?"

"You know, I don't think I do. Inoue, cancel my afternoon appointments! Something urgent has come up. Now," The aging ninja turned back to the boy and his creature, "I assume you can lead me to where _my_ wayward student is?"

"Of course," She rumbled, "I have an excellent sense of direction, and there's only one human out there. Should make him easy to find."

"Come on back here!" Naruto waved Hiruzen toward the area behind the summon's head, "There's plenty of room. Terra has some seats on a bracelet thingy." So that was her name. Sounded strange, maybe foreign.

"Good. We can catch up, and you can introduce me to your new friend while we travel."

"Oh? Oh yeah! Grandpa Hokage, this is Terra! She's a steelix, which is apparently this giant, awesome metal snake thing. And even if she wasn't cool already, she caught me when uncle Jiraiya threw me off a cliff, which makes her like ten times as awesome at least…"

* * *

Jiraiya checked the shadows around him, and then checked the sun. Where was Naruto? The sannin had seen his student summon something big and shiny, but they burrowed into the canyon wall with an earth jutsu about five hours ago and hadn't come up. He wasn't exactly worried; all the other summons from Naruto's contract had been friendly, and if they were like Orochimaru's snakes there would have been an openly hostile one by now. Jiraiya didn't want to intrude on their bonding, but he was measuring time by the sun and seriously, weren't they on the clock?

So, he wasn't exactly surprised when the armored head of a huge serpent burst from the ground. When Naruto _and_ the Hokage jumped off its back, allowing it to rear up and tower over them, that did catch him off guard a bit. "Sensei?" The sannin greeted, "Uh, don't you have, like, Hokage stuff to do?"

"This takes priority," Hiruzen growled, "Did you or did you not just _throw Naruto off a cliff_?!"

"Er…"

"Yes, you did. That is not acceptable, Jiraiya, no matter how positive the results," The Hokage stalked up to his wayward student, reached into his robes, and drew a folded piece of paper. He then slapped the sannin up-side the head with it, prompting the younger man to grab at it reflexively. "Restraining order, my student. You are not to be within two hundred feet of Uzumaki Naruto, ninja of the hidden leaf, unless in the presence of myself, the summon known as Terra, the entity 'auntie G', or someone else I find trustworthy and capable. And I'm certainly not going to trust you with his training any longer until you prove you _can_ be trusted!"

"But, sensei, he needs to-"

"Irrelevant! You _threw_ him off a _fucking_ cliff! I don't care if it gave him the Sharingan in one eye and the Byakugan in the other! Uzumaki Naruto is not a replaceable asset! He is nearly as dear to me as my own grandson, and the only reason he still lives is that the _nine tailed demon fox_ was _bored_ enough to consider bargaining with him," The old man seemed to deflate; if his anger seemed to take off twenty years, the sheer weariness in his expression added thirty. "That is what you trusted your godson's life to. And if Naruto had died, the fox might have escaped. As I am now, I do not think I could make the sacrifice necessary to contain it. You would have to do it. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing, Jiraiya. And with the fox in a newborn, Naruto, myself, and you all dead at its claws, Orochimaru defected, Tsunade wallowing in her own sorrows… I have utmost faith in Might Gai and Uchiha Itachi, but I do not think that they alone could safely escort our village into the future. The Tsuchikage and maybe the Raikage would have armies at our walls within weeks. Do you now understand the _magnitude_ of your stupidity?" Jiraiya, steadily paling over the course of the Hokage's monologue, gave a weak nod. "Then get out of my sight. If I have to keep explaining the obvious to you any longer, I'll be tempted into something I might regret." The loyal sannin vanished like he'd never existed, if you ignored the footprints.

Naruto raised an arm, pushed his goggles up, and scrubbed briefly at his eyes. When he lowered them, his face was dry, but a scattering of dark spots dusted his sleeve. "You… you think of me like your grandson? Really?"

"I- Yes, Naruto. I… always have," The old man slumped against Terra's side, the steelix helpfully moving a spur into place to keep him steady. "I just… I really thought I could trust at least _one_ of my students. And the worst part is that he's as loyal as they come. Lacking in common sense, but he'd never knowingly betray me and the village. At least with Orochimaru it was clear-cut…"

"So, what now… grandpa?"

"I don't know… with the chunin exams almost upon us, I don't have the time to help you, and even if I did you've just had a demonstration as to the quality of my best student… Everyone else in the village qualified to help you master summoning has a student in the exams already," The Hokage's expression firmed as he pulled himself upright, drawing on some sorely overtaxed reserve of strength. "Lady Terra, as an ancient and powerful summon, you are doubtlessly more familiar with the tactics and arts of your clan than anyone I could order to assist Naruto. Do you believe your instruction will be sufficient to prepare him for the Chunin exams?"

"Mmmmm. Perhaps…" The steelix panned her great head around Naruto, "I am willing, of course. He is a creature of the sky, and I of earth, but there is more overlap between the domains of Groudon and Rayquaza than many would have you believe. I have taught before. And I am confident that I will be a more suitable sensei than his previous one."

"I don't believe I've ever heard of them before…"

"Ancient deities of the land and sky, respectively. Their worship is no longer common, but some still keep to the older traditions. No threat to Konoha, if that is what you are asking."

"Then I shall trust him into your capable… coils?"

"I do have those, yes, but perhaps 'talents' might be a safer place to keep my summoner. My coils are typically reserved for enemies."

"… Fair point."

* * *

"Eh? Sasuke? What're you doing here?"

"…A D-ranked mission?"

"Well, duh. I was just kinda surprised you had the time," Sakura made to wipe her hands on her shirt, then thought better of it. "I figured you'd be training every waking moment for the exams."

"I am," To demonstrate, he grabbed two pieces of rebar from a pile beside him and breathed out a tiny, blue-white tongue of flame, welding the metal together to make a longer rod. "Training and getting paid for it is better than training and not getting paid. Construction crews love having an Uchiha for the metalwork. Big brother's around here somewhere; I think he got roped in to help mix concrete with his water jutsu."

"That's why I'm here too. Konoha's hiring everybody with useful earth jutsu to get this job done fast," Related the girl, "Apparently some idiot went experimenting with a jutsu right outside the Hokage tower and busted a giant hole Kami know how deep in the pavement; we gotta fix it before the Daimyo gets here for the exam."

Sasuke considered this briefly, "Makes sense. They'd only want this much rebar to make reinforced concrete, and that's the best material for the foundations of military structures. Hm. Five ryo says it's Naruto's fault."

"Sucker's bet," Sakura grumbled, "Konoha's paying for this, not whoever mucked it up. So either Lord Hokage is _really_ good at hiding how senile he's getting, his grandson makes your brother at that age look like a lightweight, or this lot's Naruto's fault. Three guesses which is most likely, and the first two don't count."

"You have an earth affinity?" Sasuke zeroed in on another part of Sakura's explanation.

"Oh, yeah! Hikaru-sensei tested me a few days ago. I can't do much with it yet; I'm already pretty much out of chakra and it isn't even noon yet."

"…I think hanging out with Naruto and I is putting things out of perspective for you. Most of my cousins need years between learning their nature and doing something useful with it. Of course, about half still manage it younger than we are, but my point stands."

"Huh," Sakura blinked rapidly, assimilating the information, "How long did it take you?"

"A week. Naruto took a year to get his wind jutsu, though. Still ahead of the curve."

"Well, maybe I'll have you both beat, then."

"Doubt it."

* * *

"Beldum."

"Beldum."

"Beldum?"

"…Beldum!"

"Beldum."

A sound like a gigantic kunai knife hitting an equally oversized window rent the peaceful evening, prompting Dialga to sit up with a snort, nearly falling out of the air before he remembered to focus on his levitation.

"Metang."

* * *

 **A.N. Over two hundred favorites!11!1! You guys are awesome! This is the stuff that keeps me writing. Not as much as reviews, because those are more personal, but Zoe and I appreciate every bit of it. We'll do our best to stay worthy of your support into the future.**


	22. Training Montage! Part 5

_There are 10 days left until the Chunin Exam Finals…_

* * *

Late! Late-late-late- "Hey, where the heck is everybody?!"

Uzumaki Naruto turned in a slow circle, pouting all the while. He'd put all that effort into getting there on time because he was so excited to finally see his teammates and friends again, so the least they could do was be there, right? Right?

"Already here, dunce. By the way, your observational skills are terrible. Didn't your uncle teach you anything?" Naruto's gaze darted up one of the trees bordering Hikaru-sensei's favorite training ground, the overgrown bunker sporting a worn 9 they'd used for most of their team exercises.

"Sasuke! And Sakura! I'm so happy to see you I'm not gonna punch Sasuke for that!" The blonde made it to their branch with a single, soaring leap. Sakura accepted the incoming tackle-hug with a grunt. Sasuke substituted with a windmill shuriken. He'd left the heavy weapon folded though, so his teammates didn't get cut. Much. "Sooo… Do you guys know when auntie G's gonna bring the others back?"

"Not a- now, I think," Sakura hastily amended, as a pink flash lit up the bunker, depositing Ha atop the mossy concrete, upside down.

 _Is it blasphemy to hate that guy?_ Ha mused, teleporting up to perch above the assembled humans. _Because I really don't like him right now._

"Who?"

 _Naruto's 'aunt' dumped Danketsu and I on her brothers. Without telling them. I got Palkia. He's condescending, utterly disconnected from regular people, and a total dork. Also, he uses space-time jutsu to cheat at go._

"Metang?"

 _Yes, really. He's_ that _petty. Oh, Danketsu and Hokori are back, guys. And Sakura._

"Hokori!" Naruto leaped out of the tree and slammed into his partner. Since the dragonair out-massed him several times over, this wasn't nearly as effective as it had once been, and the irrepressible blonde bounced off. Sakura, meanwhile raised one eyebrow at the silver and gold metal saucer hovering up to her, sunlight glinting off its clawed arms. Sure, it looked different, but she'd recognize that color scheme anywhere.

"So, you evolved, Danketsu?"

"Metang."

"Into a metang."

"Metang."

"We'll have to explore what that does for you later, then. When Hokori evolved, he didn't change too much. Just got more of what he already had. But Ha got a lot stronger, and learned to talk. You changed a lot physically, which neither of them did…"

 _Metang are strong psychics._ Ha pointed out. _Maybe Danketsu can talk to the rest of us now?_

"Metang?"

 _It's not too hard if you've got the strength for it. Just kinda… display your thoughts to them. Project outward, instead of buttoning them up under your mental shields. When you've got more practice you should be able to direct them for private conversations like I do. Best to keep it simple for your first times, though. Give it a shot._

Danketsu clicked her claws together contemplatively, and turned so that her face was pointed towards all the other members of team seven. Her nose spike acquired a faint, bluish-white glow.

 _011101000110100011101000101000100111001110110011101011001000010010011001110010100001101100001011011010111010110111000100001100001010011111000110101110011001111100011011000000101111001001001011110101101010000100110111110111111110100100000110110001011010111011001111000010010100101011010011011101100010010000101010001111101111000010101110101110100111001100101010011010001001100111010001110100001010010000110101110111000101100001101001110110111010111110011110001111110000_

 _Ow._ Ha distantly realized the cool earth felt quite good on his aching head. Even if he had no idea how he'd gotten there. Hadn't he been in a tree…?

"Metang?"

 _Let's not try that again._

"…Metang."

 _There are some things organic life is not meant to think. Blink code at oh Arceus why characters per second is one of those. Now please stop talking and go get Hikaru-sensei or Itachi or somebody. My head is killing me, and the rest of us are probably worse off._

* * *

 _There are 5 days left until the Chunin Exam finals…_

* * *

"Naaaiir," Stars gleamed in Hokori's eyes as he stared up at the shining bulk of Naruto's newest friend.

"I know, right?" The jinchuriki might not have been able to understand exactly what his friend was saying, but he got the gist of it. "Hokori, Terra. Terra, Hokori. The three of us are gonna be working together from now on. Hokori and I already have great teamwork, but now all three of us need to get at least to where we don't get in each other's way. Plus, Terra brings awesome new stuff we didn't have before. Like earth jutsu!"

"I also hit considerably harder than either of you," The steelix thumped the last two segments of her tail on the ground to demonstrate, the impact throwing Naruto and Hokori up a few inches, "However, while I am reasonably agile for my size by most standards I am not particularly mobile or evasive."

"So then we should pin dudes down so you can finish 'em off!" Naruto deduced, "C'mon, Hokori! I'll make a bunch of shadow clones, and we can practice on them."

* * *

"So, what did you learn?"

Ha pointed at a straw practice target, and made a fist. The target's head exploded. Sasuke blinked once. Slowly. _I'd prefer not to do that to most people, but arms and legs are fair game. They can fight me off if they've got enough chakra, though._

"Huh. Can you apply that kind of force to anything inanimate?"

 _I don't think I could smash a whole building, if that's what you're asking. Everything has at least a little resistance. A couple cubic feet of inanimate object shouldn't be a problem, or throwing around somebody until they're able to fight me off._

"Anything else?"

 _Mostly just tricks I can do with that technique. Psychic is hard to use; I spent most of my time building up endurance so it would be actually useful. What about you? I know you're dying to show off your new moves._

Sasuke made three signs, and placed his palm on one of the dummies. The unfortunate object promptly flashed into a rapidly expanding cloud of ash and soot, blasted out and away by a wave of searing heat. "Big brother and I are working on a new jutsu. It isn't done yet, but even in this incomplete form the effects are devastating. We need a way to contain and focus the heat. It sucks to get hit but the jutsu doesn't have much stopping power. People are a lot harder to burn than dry straw."

 _I know a couple focusing exercises you could try._

"Hn. Couldn't hurt. But I think the jutsu could use a few more signs. It's easier that way than manipulating raw fire chakra. Oh, I also learned some basic water jutsu. Boiling projectiles, and a steam wall."

 _I thought you needed a kekkei genkai for steam jutsu._

"You do. This stuff's just using regular water jutsu, but boiling the stuff with fire chakra to make it easier for me to control. Actual steam jutsu is a lot more efficient, and comes with perks like immunity to fire and enhanced speed, according to big brother."

* * *

"Metang."

"No, really, it's okay," Sakura patted the steel type's arm reassuringly, "I swear we're not mad. I mean, how could you know your thoughts are completely incompatible with our brains?"

"Metang."

"Really! No permanent harm, no foul. Hey, could you do that to other people?"

"Metang."

"Oh, right, only if their genjutsu resistance sucks. Or is lowered for some reason. Haveta look into that. So… I'm assuming your evolution came with a big upgrade?"

"Metang."

"How fast?! And straight out of body flicker-level speed? That's insane!" Danketsu rose from the ground, and oriented herself toward a nearby tree. An eyeblink and the earsplitting report of metal on wood later, a nearby training post found itself with a three-clawed dent deep into the wood. "Holy crap. Can you do that with any move?"

"Metang."

"Just a punch? Still useful. Anything else? Not that that isn't scary enough…"

"Metang."

"Oooh, telekinesis? Like Ha's old techniques?"

"Metang."

"Another speed technique designed for pursuit and capture? _And_ a better ramming move? Wow. Did Christmas come early?"

"Metang."

"Well, I may have driven Hyuga Neji to the brink of insanity. As close as I could get him, anyway…"

"Metang."

"No duh he deserved it! He insulted my clan in front of a bunch of Kage! Blood feuds have been called for less! Bastard's lucky we took it out on him, instead of his whole clan! Plus, it was good practice for espionage and counter-intelligence ops."

* * *

 _There are 0 days left until the Chunin Exam finals…  
_

* * *

 **A.N. Whether or not canon Konoha celebrates Christmas, the Pokémon world does. While many things were lost after the Ten Tails' rampage, this particular one wasn't. Heck, Pok** **émon canon explicitly states that Santa Claus actually exists. Therefore, Christmas metaphors are allowed in an otherwise very Japanese fantasy world.  
**


	23. The Chunin Exams

**A.N. Epic, climactic scenes need equally epic music. Especially since Pokémon has one of the best soundtracks ever, and the Naruto anime manages a few diamonds in the rough. Not that it's bad music, but I personally don't enjoy much of it. For this chapter, I recommend 'Battle Theme: Vs Hoenn Rival (ORAS)', or a remix of it.**

* * *

Most of the audience thought that Uzumaki Naruto was having a bad case of stage fright. Most of the audience was completely wrong.

Yes, the chunin exams are a big deal. Naruto _was_ feeling the pressure. He wasn't vibrating from fear, though. If anyone up in the stands was reading his thoughts (not impossible since Yamanaka Ino was attending), they would have heard exactly one word.

Chunin chunin chunin chunin chunin chunin chunin chunin!

Naruto may have been slightly excited. Just a little.

But not so excited that the Third Hokage's words didn't cut through the haze of anticipation and nervous energy. "Greetings, competitors, viewers, and esteemed guests, and welcome to the ninety-seventh international chunin selection exams! I am sure you are all eager for the main event to begin, but first I have some unfortunate news. Three days ago genin Nozomi of Takigakure suffered a broken leg in a training accident. Medical ninjutsu can work miracles, but it can't work quite that quickly with snapped bones. As she is unable to walk and thus incapable of competing, we have reshuffled the pairings. Uchiha Sasuke will face Watanabe Hiroe in the second match, and Chojuro will fight Aburame Shino in the fourth.

"That said, would all competitors save Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuga Neji please head for the competitors' box? And to all of my leaf ninja, good luck." The other ninja in the kage box exchanged glances. Terumi Mei, the masked Kazekage, and the nondescript Taki jonin were all present; Yagura was not. Rumor had it that none of the genin from his faction had passed the second stage, and he preferred to spend as little time around Mei as he possibly could. Something about avoiding the international incident that fighting the 'god-queen of collateral damage' in the middle of Konoha might cause.

The Kazekage stood next. "You all know what is expected of you," He informed the sand team, and then sat down again.

Terumi Mei took to the stand, smiling out at the audience. "Wow that's cold, Lord Kazekage. I, for one, have every confidence that my ninja will do splendidly!" The Taki jonin gave a lazy wave toward the audience, but apparently declined to speak.

Meanwhile, down on the arena floor Naruto was doing his best to stare Neji down. It… wasn't going very well. The Hyuga mostly looked vaguely perplexed as to why his opponent was already getting angry. Usually, he had to open his mouth first.

"I'm gonna kick your ass, asshole!" Naruto declared, pumping a fist.

"No, you aren't, failure," Asserted the other boy, "I am a genius. You barely made genin. The difference in power is clear."

"Oh, yeah? Well Sakura did it, and I'm like… Five percent cooler than her, so there!"

"Are you…? I… beat Sakura," Neji pointed out.

"Oh, yeah! Before the match starts, she wanted me to give you this!" Naruto pulled an envelope out of his shuriken pouch, and tossed it lightly to land at Neji's feet, "No booby traps, I promise. Don't wanna get disqualified."

True enough. Naruto couldn't trap the letter without giving his opponent an automatic victory. Neji tore open the envelope, and pulled out a slip of paper. On it? The address of a bank, an account number, and a bright pink heart. All of which was written on stationary watermarked with the Haruno clan symbol. Neji's eyebrow ticked. "You! You did this to me!"

"Uh, no, it was Sakura," Naruto said, "Er, whatever it was. Peeking at people's mail is kinda rude outsida wartime."

"That witch got me evicted from my apartment!" The Hyuga roared, obviously furious even though his expression barely changed, "I've been rooming with my sensei for the past two weeks!"

"…So?"

"My sensei is Might Gai!" Oh. Naruto had heard of Might Gai. Everybody'd heard of Might Gai.

"…So? He seems like a cool dude." Naruto and Hokori could practically see steam pouring out of Neji's ears. Fortunately for the Hyuga's odds of not getting disqualified, the leaf ninja calling the matches (who Naruto didn't recognize) gave the starting signal.

Neji immediately charged. Naturally, his opponents had been expecting that. They hadn't gone into the match planning to get the older genin stupid mad, but they knew that Hyuga are almost never skilled at ranged combat. Even the ones who are usually prefer a taijutsu fight.

Even as Neji took his first steps, Hokori slithered in front of his partner, pearl glowing with stored chakra. A roaring twister spiraled out from the Pokémon's mouth, sweeping toward the Hyuga. Instead of dodging, an unreliable prospect at best against an attack with such a wide area of effect, Neji set his stance and whirled about in place, entire body crackling with chakra. A wide dome of glowing, blue energy slammed into the twister, and it burst apart, allowing Neji to continue forward with no damage and almost no lost momentum.

But Hokori's attacks gave Naruto a few seconds of breathing space. The blonde genin slit his thumb, and worked through three signs with speed and precision many chunin would be hard-pressed to match. Practicing a single jutsu constantly for three weeks does have its advantages. An immense gout of smoke filled Naruto's half of the arena, accompanying the earthshaking report of something huge hitting the ground.

Before Neji's horrified eyes, a spade-shaped head rose from the dissipating chakra-smoke, Naruto and Hokori riding atop it inside a… giant tiara? What the… Oh kami that was a big summon.

Neji had seen that jutsu enough times to recognize it. Might Gai occasionally used his tortoise summons on missions. Neji's uncle Hiashi had a crane summon he called for swift transportation in emergencies. Neither of them were more than a tithe of the size of the titanic metal snake looming over him. N- not that it mattered! The gentle fist could take down anything, no matter how large.

Byakugan pulsing, the Hyuga resumed his charge, ignoring the summon's confused rumble of, "Wait, you- you're still going through with this?" Selecting the nearest tenketsu point, Neji fired a series of chakra spikes deep into the summon's body. If he could strike enough of them, the creature would be unable to use chakra or move, and then he could get to Naruto. When the summoner goes down, the summon is forced to leave, according to Gai-sensei.

Except that this summon was covered in a good foot of armor at its _thinnest_ points. He… couldn't reach. "That… really doesn't hurt," The summon stated helpfully, "You really should just give up. Humans are squishy… And you don't hit hard enough to damage me. If that's the best you've got…"

Neji responded by leaping onto the summon and making a dash for her eyes. Even if the rest of her was too tough to harm, her eyes were weak points. He ducked and rolled under a ponderous spike hoping to scrape him off, a smirk creeping onto his face. The snake was big, durable, and probably immensely powerful, but it (she?) was also very slow. As long as he stayed mobile and kept the Byakugan active, she wouldn't be able to hit him. He'd been intimidated at first, but nothing could stand up to the gentle fist.

Hokori decided to remind Neji that there were more people in the fight with a twister that looped around the larger serpent's body and headed for the Hyuga. Neji spun into another rotation, blowing the vortex apart with contemptuous ease. As he started to end the jutsu, though, a dozen Narutos leaped at him out of nowhere. Shadow clones! Ordinarily, this wouldn't be any problem; a dozen Narutos are no match for one Neji in close combat.

However, while the Hyuga defensive move 'heavenly rotation' is an extremely effective defense, it has a critical weakness. After it ends, it leaves the user relatively open for a few seconds as the rotating chakra sphere dissipates. Naruto may not have known that, but hitting somebody while they're in the middle of a jutsu or other complicated move is a basic and universally useful tactic. Neji still hit the first three doppelgangers dead-center. The other nine dog-piled him.

A focused, sharpened chakra pulse defeated them, though. Just in time for Neji to realize he didn't have enough time to deal with the gleaming spur the big summon was thrusting toward him. He tried to duck; it didn't work very well.

With an earsplitting screech of metal-on-metal, the spur punted Neji across the arena. Dazed by the heavy impact, the Hyuga landed badly, skidding across the ground. He got up again, of course; one of Might Gai's students wasn't going down that easily!

As he was getting up, the earth around him shifted, quivered, and thick blades of rock rose up around the unfortunate Hyuga, trapping him in a box of razor-edged spires. Terra, Hokori, Naruto, and the proctor stared at the box. Neji failed to appear again.

"Er, you in there, kid?" the referee called out, knocking on one of the stone edges.

"I will escape!" Neji shouted at him, voice strained by some exertion.

"Are you… trying to punch your way through bedrock?" the older ninja hazarded, "Yeah, that only works when the jutsu caster isn't feeding it chakra to repair it. You're done, kid. Uzumaki Naruto wins!"

"Aw yeah! Who's a failure now, asshat?" Naruto hopped down from Terra's head, thrusting his index finger towards Neji's prison. "Terra? We should probably let him out now."

"Very well," The steelix slithered over to her creation, and crushed one of the walls with a light tail flick. The point of the exams was to show off for the audience, after all, and just ending the jutsu didn't have the same impact as rock chips and dust flying around.

"Rhaaaa!" Neji came charging out, and Terra smashed the belligerent boy flat with her tailtip.

"Match is over, Hyuga," He punched her as hard as he could, and something in his hand broke with a faint 'crack!'. "Seriously, stop that. You could really hurt yourself." A pair of exam medics rushed out to Neji, accompanied by a helpful chunin, who restrained the berserk Hyuga long enough for the medics to sedate their charge and roll him onto a stretcher.

"Thanks, Terra!" Naruto called out, headed for the stairs up to the stands with Hokori, "I'll call again if I need you; probably oughtta clear out for Sasuke-bastard and the mist ninja lady."

Terra briefly considered heading back to the summon realm. However, if Naruto was going to call her back again soon, was there any point? After a quick examination of the surroundings, the steelix reared up to her full height, and dove into the ground, the impact shaking the stands as hundreds of tons of rock and metal ploughed effortlessly through the arena floor. A minute later, her massive, gleaming head poked over the stadium walls, giving Terra one of the best seats in the house. Assuming you're tall enough to see over a four story wall.

"Naruto. You won," Sasuke greeted, meeting his teammate on the stairs. "I'll see you in the second round."

"Damn straight you will," the blonde agreed, "Nobody gets to beat you but me!"

"Hn."

* * *

"Holy crap," Up in the section of the audience reserved for local spectators, Yamanaka Ino drew one of the senbon holding her hairstyle together, and stabbed herself in the thigh with it. "Holy crap, I actually saw that. I… think I might have been going after the wrong member of team seven all this time."

"Wh-wh-wh-"

"Sure, Sasuke's got the looks. Can't deny it," the blonde girl elaborated, "But Naruto… Power, personality, stamina, good with animals… Did you know men who're good with animals are almost always good with kids?"

"B-b-b-but," This time, Hyuga Hinata managed to get out an entire word before Ino steamrolled over her friend. Presumably, the garrulous Yamanaka hadn't noticed that Hinata was trying to say something.

"And yanno, my dad says he had a fling with an Uzumaki, way back when. Supposedly, they just never quit," A goofy grin started to sneak over Ino's face, "Even the guys just keep going… and going… and going… Ehehehehehe…"

Hinata blushed cherry red, and squeaked something unintelligible.

"And the best part is, that screechy forehead hag Sakura always scared off everybody back in school," The blonde reasoned, "He's never even had a girl interested before! All I gotta do is let Sakura know tall, dark, and expressionless is off my list, and she'll help set us up. It's perfect!"

"I-I don't think you should date Naruto!" It might have been quiet, but the fact that Hinata'd gotten a coherent sentence out attracted Ino's attention.

"What? Why not?" The dismayed Yamanaka grabbed Hinata's shoulders and pulled her close, into optimal interrogating position, "Is he gay? In a relationship? Is he gay for Sasuke?" Actually, that last option almost sounded better than Naruto being single…

"R-r-re-rel-"

"I. Have. Competition!" Tiny fires blazed behind Ino's eyes, "Who is it, Hinata-chan?! I have a new rival! And I, Yamanaka Ino, shall not rest until I have vanquished their fell, unworthy claim on my Naruto! Tell me, Hinata! Who is my foe?!"

"I-I-I…" Hinata's face fell a little, causing her bangs to cast her entire face in shadow. "Th-there's nobody, Ino. I just… N-no, you and N-Naruto will be v-very h-happy together. I'm s-sure."

* * *

Sasuke did his best to stare Hiroe down. It didn't work very well, mostly because she refused to meet his eyes. Smart. Annoying, but smart. Not that Sasuke was particularly good at genjutsu for an Uchiha, but the mist ninja didn't know that.

Instead, her eyes rapidly flashed between Sasuke's torso and Ha, in time with the frenetic movements of the lollipop clasped within her mouth. Her thumb worked at the hilt of her long katana, flicking it an inch or so out, then letting it fall back into its sheath with a nervous clicking. She hadn't changed a lot since the preliminaries, as far as Sasuke could tell.

He thought he could see a few more pieces of armor, maybe a chain mail underlayer beneath her ocean camouflage. Oh, and she'd picked up a wakazashi to complement her longer blade. Had she been working on dual wielding? Or maybe she was expecting Nozomi to try to grapple her, and wanted a shorter blade for close quarters. Regardless, even if he got the sword away from her she'd still have a backup weapon. Not that Sasuke really wanted to try close combat with a kenjutsu expert…

The moment the match began, Sasuke launched a blistering fireball toward his opponent. She might have been a mist ninja, but he hadn't actually seen her use any elemental ninjutsu during her match with Kiba. Until it was proven ineffective, Sasuke's best ranged weapon was definitely fire.

To the Uchiha's satisfaction, Hiroe dodged the fire with a quick, signless body flicker, hands cycling through an familiar set of hand signs. No defensive water jutsu. On the other hand…

Yes, it was one of the most common and universally effective ways to fight an Uchiha. Yes, Sasuke was expecting to face it at some point during the exams.

That didn't make it any less annoying when thick vapor started wafting up from the ground, rapidly filling the arena with dense fog. Thank the Sage he'd practiced low-visibility and blind fighting under the assumption that Chojuro would try this exact same trick. Even better, Sasuke had some options other Uchiha lacked.

Ha teleported onto Sasuke's left shoulder, and firmly grasped a strip of leather the genin had tied to his headband to serve as a handhold for the Pokémon. Thus secured, Ha drew a kunai with his left hand, and focused his empathetic senses.

Frustration and disappointment? Had to be the crowd, angry that they couldn't see their blood sport. Amusement, hint of glee? Probably the Kage box; they'd likely seen this all before, although they'd been surprised and interested by Terra. It wasn't every (or any exam, really) exam that somebody called in a boss summon nobody'd heard of before in the first match. Bloodlust! No, that was probably Gaara. Determination and excitement, layered under something cool and fluid… An emotional control technique maybe? _There!_ Ha tugged Sasuke's head around, pointing out into the mist. A few hand seals later, a brilliant burst of flame burned through the mist, briefly revealing the sky and stands before the water jutsu restored itself. Missed!

Then… _Behind!_ Putting action to words, Ha leaped off his partner's back, tanto whispering from its sheath, and met an incoming sword strike with a resounding 'clang!' The light, airborne kirlia went soaring off into the mist, Hiroe's superior mass and leverage overcoming his air walking technique, but the block gave Sasuke crucial seconds to respond.

Kunai in hand and Sharingan whirling, Sasuke thrust for the center-of-mass of a section of fog that looked a little darker than the rest. He was pleasantly surprised by a feeling of resistance. Less pleasant were the fingers that closed over his wrist in an iron grip, while a dark blade slid out of the mist over his shoulder.

Then a psychic voice rang out, projected indiscriminately over the arena. _Gah! Screw this mist! Sunny day!_

The fog vanished almost instantly, ahead of a wave of oppressive heat and light. Hiroe flinched as the fire chakra crashed into her, but Sasuke welcomed the blazing sun. Channelling chakra into his arms, he willed it to combust, and the air around his hands shot up several hundred degrees. When she released him with a startled cry, he stepped forward into her space, hooked a leg behind hers, and threw a shoulder forward.

The time-honored military police takedown technique worked perfectly, knocking the mist ninja flat on her back and sending his kunai flying. Apparently it hadn't penetrated Hiroe's armor; there wasn't any blood. Capitalizing on his advantage, Sasuke kicked the girl's sword away and pinned her down. "Give up?" She stabbed him in the leg with a senbon. "Hey! Ow!" He drew a kunai, pressing it to her throat. "Stop that!" After a few more token wiggles, she went still, and spit out the soggy, splintered remains of her candy.

"I think you've got me, Uchiha," She admitted reluctantly, "I give. Now get off me already!"

Sasuke retrieved Ha from the tree he'd hid in to set up his weather effect, Hiroe collected her sword (grumbling about Sasuke's rough treatment of the weapon), and the three leaped up into the competitors' box. Fu hopped down and waltzed out to the center. Gaara vanished from his seat in a swirl of sand, appearing opposite his opponent.

Jinchuriki regarded probably jinchuriki, and then a rusty, beatific smile slowly twitched its way onto the sand ninja's face. "Finally!" He crowed, "You stand! You fight! You will bring meaning to my existence!"

"Sooo… Are you saying I'm, like, a Buddha or something?" Fu canted her head to one side with a pensive expression, "'Cause I'm pretty sure me an' Chomei don't do the whole enlightenment thing. Haven't before, anyway. Chomei, can we enlighten people?" The entire Kage box, minus the humorless Kazekage, face-palmed in unison. Gaara ignored her.

"I will kill you!" He declared, "Your blood will f **e** ed mo **th** er! And I shall pro **v** e mysel **f** through your s **cr** eams!"

"Oookay, sand guy is cray-cray," The Taki genin decided, "Yeah, I'mma kick your crazy ass back to the desert now, okay?"

Gaara disregarded her words, and the referee, in favor of sweeping a hand forward, fingers twisted like claws. A torrent of sand rushed from the gourd on his back and followed the gesture toward Fu. The cork flew out like an arrow, bouncing off Terra's nose with a faint 'ping!'.

"Whoa!" With a pulse of green chakra, a pair of shimmering wings sprouted from Fu's back, and she flitted out of the line of fire. "Huh. I guess 'sand guy' was a bit more accurate than- whoa! Hey, don't interrupt me when I'm freaking out!"

"Ha **ha** haha **ha** haha! Bl **eed** for us!" Gaara screamed, sending even more sand to clutch at Fu's wake.

"Why do I always get the fucking psychos?" Groaned the waterfall ninja, "First stabby and her ridiculously lethal death scrolls, and now this guy… Dang it, Chomei, aren't you supposed to give me good luck?! Ugh, defense ain't working. Offense it is!"

Darting around a wave of sand spikes, the green-haired jinchuriki zoomed toward Gaara, evading his sweeping blows with jerky, minimalistic movements, and planted a chitin-covered fist in his cheek. Or at least tried to.

Her gauntlet met a wall of sand a full six inches from his head. The sand exploded outward, quickly covering every part of her save her face. Still smiling like a kid in a candy shop, Gaara met Fu's eyes. "Now **yo** u **die**." The sand prison imploded. Fu vanished in a puff of smoke.

The entire arena was utterly silent, as Gaara and the audience processed the situation. Fu failed to reappear. The sand slowly slithered back toward its master, sliding over him in a gritty caress before gathering around his right arm. Black, twisted veins began to rise out of the sand, worming over Gaara's arm and face, and when he raised his head, his right eye featured a golden iris over a pitch black 'white'. **"Mother needs blood,"** The sand jinchuriki declared, staring up at the audience with undisguised bloodlust. **"You have blood."**

Feathers started falling down from some indeterminate source, accompanied by an inexplicable drowsy feeling. The less experienced members of the audience started to nod off. That was when the Hokage monument exploded. Suddenly, everyone felt far less sleepy.

The Kazekage, halfway through the act of holding a knife to the Hokage's throat paused to gape at that, along with the rest of the Kage box. "My face…" Hiruzen distantly heard himself groan, before the steel in the corner of his eye caught his attention. He whirled, and slammed an open-palmed blow into the hostile Kage's face. The Kazekage's head flew off, but this didn't seem to faze him. He grappled Hiruzen anyway, and leaped for a nearby rooftop. A few seconds of thought later, and Mei was in hot pursuit, the mist genin squad on her heels. Her bodyguards were busy with three probably imposter ANBU each, and when it came down to it, Mei would rather not pursue somebody who thought they could take Sarutobi Hiruzen without backup. If nothing else, to ward off the cannon fodder. Of the Taki jonin, there was no sign.

* * *

 _A few minutes earlier…_

* * *

"Are you sure this is the place?"

Three ninja and a yellow lizard clustered around an unremarkable stretch of rock deep underground. The only light in the tunnel came from a pale, blue candle sitting atop the lead ninja's Takigakure hiate-ate. "I think so," the lone boy in the group hazarded, comparing a set of pockmarks on the wall to a scroll he held up to the yellow glow, "This looks like the inscription."

The second girl started, and stiffened. "Guys, Gaara just popped my second shadow clone down in the arena. The one standing in for our sensei. He's definitely a jinchuriki. Probably Shukaku, definitely homicidally insane. If this is the place, then we gotta move fast!" Reaching into her bag, rocket agent Roulette pulled out a small green and white sphere, and tapped a button on the front. The device instantly went from the size of a smoke bomb to closer to a softball. "Jackpot, the wall goes down!" She shouted, dropping the ball at arm's length away from her. A flash of light heralded the appearance of a giant bug.

Although the creature was actually shorter than any of the humans, it's long, curved horn extended over their heads, and its bulky physique gave it considerably more mass. With a faint clicking noise, the beetle-like creature stomped over to the indicated wall, standing on two legs, and delivered a single blow. The obstacle proved no match for focus punch.

Three ninja and three Pokémon stepped (or rode in the litwick's case) into the chamber beyond. The hidden room was dominated by a huge, bulbous statue, which gleamed faintly in the candlelight. "Okay, we're in," Rocket agent Dawn stated the obvious, the candle on her head bobbing as she nodded "Now, how do we wake this guy up?"

"With subtlety and technique," Rocket agent Ghost replied, noisily cracking each of his knuckles in sequence, motioning for his lizard to stand back with a jerk of his head. He then slapped the statue across the chest with a metallic ring.

Two red lights blazed in the darkness like eyes. Then four more joined them, forming a ring. By the time the seventh light lit, filling the circle, the Team Rocket agents were long gone. But that didn't matter.

Registeel could already sense that one of its brethren was active, and had been attacked. Now, it too had been awakened and… damaged? Damage confirmed.

Two Regi units had been assaulted and tampered with. Action was required. Fulfill prime directive.

A dense layer of rock blocked Registeel's path. This did not measurably slow it down. Nor did the five hundred foot drop, or the residential district, or the platoon of sand ninja, or the leaf ninja's defensive line…

* * *

 **A.N. Gaara may be feeling slightly frustrated…**

 **Team Rocket is meddling! Somebody other than Orochimaru is impersonating the Kazekage! Chaos! Anarchy! Registeel! Mist ninja and leaf ninja living in harmony! Hang on to your hats, ladies and gents! The invasion of Konoha has begun!**


	24. WAAAAAAAGGGGH!

**A.N. This chapter's ideal backing track (in my opinion) is 'Sarutobi Hiruzen's theme' from the Naruto anime OST.**

 **Over 50,000 views! EEEEEEEEE!**

 **Also, fair warning: The following few chapters are going to be the darkest this story will ever get. I promise you it gets better after this. No, seriously. I'm not writing for the 40K fandom here. Despite the chapter title. That said, since I don't think I ever will write 40K, I always wanted to call a chapter that, and there is a war on…**

* * *

Naruto froze up. Considering that he'd never been in a genuine battle before, and that everything around him seemed to be some combination of exploding, on fire, or swarming with sand and sound ninja, the fact that he only froze for a second or so was still pretty impressive. Even if, in that second, a masked ninja wearing a hiate-ate etched with a music note did his best to drive a kunai into Naruto's face.

About halfway to its destination, the weapon disappeared, along with the sound ninja's hand, spattering Naruto's face and goggles with blood. Fuji Hikaru stepped into the space between them, a second flick of his deadly, razor-edged chain whip taking the invader's head most of the way off.

"Follow me!" The jonin shouted, and galvanized by the orders, Naruto and Hokori trailed after their teacher, doing their best to cover his back while he carved a path through the chaotic melee. "We need to link up with the rest of the team!"

If Sasuke or Sakura had frozen, they hadn't paid for it. Sakura fought back-to-back with Ha, sword and steel knuckles punishing those ninja unfortunate enough to get close, while Sasuke and Danketsu darted in and out of the fray, using superior agility and mass, respectively, to keep from being pinned down. Still, Sakura and Ha in particular were glad to have reinforcements; neither the girl nor the psychic type had deep reserves of stamina, and the constant combat put them at a disadvantage.

"Sensei!" The girl called out in relief, drawing herself to weary attention. Behind her, Danketsu peeled a sand ninja off her forearm, and tossed the unfortunate man off the edge of the balcony. "Orders, sir?"

"Gaara of the desert, probable jinchuriki of Shukaku, is on a rampage," Hikaru related shortly, "He's doing as much damage to his 'allies' as us, and is trying to leave the arena. The civilians around here are still evacuating; if he gets to them, they're screwed. I can take him down, but not by myself, and everybody else who might be able to help is busy, or too far away. It's up to us. If you have any way to get through that sand of his, now's the time to share it." The genin and Pokémon took a quick glance down into the arena, where Gaara was gleefully slaughtering a mixed group of probably chunin. Every attack that got near him was blocked by a wall of shifting, animate sand.

"I think I can," Sasuke offered, "I have a powerful fire jutsu. It isn't complete, and it's melee range only, but it has great penetrative power, and could fuse the sand into glass."

"I've got more high explosives, and a lotta paper bombs- excuse me, guys," Sakura whirled around, kicked a sound ninja in Might Gai's general direction, and followed through back to the conversation, all in one smooth motion, "I swear half these losers have to be conscripts… I've got plenty of heavy ordinance; that'll put a dent in his defenses for sure."

With a roar, and a building-shaking crash, Terra burst from the ground down in the arena, and shook her upper body like a sodden dog. Tiny, pointed stones and slivers of razor-sharp metal fell from her joints like a waterfall and rose to hover around the massive Pokémon, slowly spreading outward. An unprepared sand ninja made the mistake of getting close, and a dozen of the blades abruptly rotated in mid-air, before propelling themselves deep into his body. A blade of wind dozens of feet long hit Terra with an earsplitting screech, that the ground-type completely ignored in favor of body-slamming a much smaller lizard summon… and the squad of sand ninja accompanying it.

Naruto grinned. "I have a steelix. And possibly someone else," He went through the summoning signs again, and slammed a hand into the floor.

"Karp-karp-karp!"

"Or not…"

* * *

'Thunk!' A sand ninja dropped like a stone, the ring of a kunai barely protruding from his skull.

"Stop hi-uuurk!" A second staggered back, nursing a crushed throat. Uchiha Itachi disregarded the crippled man; someone at that skill level wouldn't be fighting again with those injuries. Instead, Itachi turned his attention back to the massive crowd of enemy ninja closing in on him, howling for Uchiha blood.

Itachi needed to get to Sasuke. Had to make sure his brother was unharmed. But, if he knew Sasuke and Naruto, they'd go for the hardest target they thought they could beat.

Gaara.

And as skilled as Itachi knew himself to be, fighting a jinchuriki while at anything less than 100% was not going to help him keep Sasuke safe. He had to get to Sasuke while using as little chakra and taking as few injuries as possible. Especially since ANBU had reported that Orochimaru had been sighted in the area, and fighting that guy and a jinchuriki while injured or tired sounded like a really good way to commit suicide.

Some irritatingly competent enemy commander had apparently figured this out, because they were sending waves of genin and chunin-level ninja at Itachi, to wear him down or at least keep him in one place. Obliterating them all with ninjutsu or genjutsu would be easy and fast, but it would also use up a lot of chakra. Chakra he couldn't afford to spend. So, he had to take them out with taijutsu. One or two at a time.

Itachi _hated_ it when his enemies had competent leadership.

* * *

Terra felt tiny feet scratching around on her head, and almost dove underground before her summoner's voice sounded in her ear. That _did_ explain why the stealth rocks hadn't intercepted him.

"Terra, we're fighting Gaara," The Uzumaki shouted, "We gotta keep him away from the civilians! Uh, do bombs hurt you?"

"Not really."

"Then hit him 'til he drops!" Seemed easy enough. Terra swept her tail back, sending a sound ninja flying, and then forward, towards the berserk sand genin. He jumped over it; even with the grotesque and doubtlessly heavy sand arm weighing him down, he was still faster than Terra. But, jumping did leave him immobile in mid-air for the follow-up headbutt that gave him his own little crater in the side of the arena. Amazingly enough, he wasn't turned into red paste by the titanic blow; a cushion of sand had caught him gently and set him back on his feet. Still, she had gotten his attention.

The metal snake angled her head upward, allowing Naruto to shelter behind her tiara, as the murderous jinchuriki bombarded them with sand darts that failed to make an impression on her armor. He then charged, because somehow close combat with a steelix seemed like a good idea. That was when Danketsu and Hokori hit him.

The incoming dragon pulse and bullet punch sent up dramatic plumes of sand from Gaara's defenses. Displaying excellent reflexes, the sand ninja grabbed Danketsu out of the air with his biju claw, slamming her into the ground. A spray of shuriken from Sasuke and Ha failed to distract Gaara from his captive. A hefty chunk of concrete torn from the arena wall proved a more effective way to get his attention. Again, it didn't seem to harm him, but it didn't hurt Danketsu either, and it kept her from getting buried or thrown through the building.

It was the most effective thing they'd found so far, though. Grinning wickedly, Hikaru sent another pulse of earth chakra through the surroundings, calling up four more boulders, which Terra tossed at their opponent with flicks of her tail. Gaara smashed the first two out of the air. As he drew his claw back to deal with the third, Sasuke came screaming in at top speed.

Sharingan spinning wildly, he ducked and rolled between tendrils of sand, stabbed a kunai deep into Gaara's enhanced arm, and was teleported to safety in a flash of purple. The knife exploded just before Terra and Hikaru's rocks arrived.

The leaf ninja stared into the cloud of smoke and sand with cautious optimism. Had that worked? They didn't really want to charge blindly into the cloud, though, just in case. If only they had somebody who could fight safely in total darkness. Oh, yeah…

Several dozen Naruto doppelgangers charged into the cloud, yelling war cries. Many cringe-worthy sounds later, Gaara came staggering out of the dust. At least, they assumed it was him, since they couldn't see his face anymore. The transformation had extended over his entire upper body, shrouding his head and arms in black-veined sand.

"This is _not_ working," Hikaru shook out his whip, the bladed chain humming with his signature, purple chakra. "The more we pound him the madder he gets, and the more power Shukaku feeds him! We need to use attacks with better penetration. Explosives and blunt force aren't cutting it."

"I could try the demo charges," Sakura suggested a little too eagerly.

"I'd rather save those as a last resort," The jonin ordered, "This building's taken a lot of punishment as it is. We wouldn't want it collapsing with friendlies still inside."

 _So what's the plan?_

"I'm going to try to cut through his defenses with my whip and apply a chakra-suppressing seal. That'll stop him from pulling out any more demon chakra," Hikaru theorized, "And considering what he's been hit with already, he'll probably pass out. Sasuke, you're with me. If my whip can't break through the sand, you'll have to follow through with your fire jutsu. The rest of you need to cover us."

"Sure thing! Hey, Hokori, Ha!" Naruto called out from his perch atop Terra, "Whaddaya say to a big boom?"

 _Collateral damage?_

"Are you kidding? Everybody cleared out over there once Terra started throwing those rocks around," The Uzumaki pointed out, "An' the stadium'll keep it from spreading too much."

 _Then let's do it!_ Ha grabbed Hokori, and teleported them both up to Terra's head. Naruto had practiced this attack with Terra and Hokori before, but the kirlia could easily see where he might fit in. Naruto made three hand signs, and as one the dragon, the snake, and the boy took a deep breath in. Ha's fist caught fire.

A roaring gale poured from Naruto's lips and Hokori's pearl. The winds swept up purple dragonfire from Terra's maw and ordinary fire from Ha's fire punch. The human wind chakra went up like it was carrying pure oxygen. Gaara was abruptly standing in the center of a raging tornado of fire and dragon chakra that made the concrete stands behind him start to bubble and hiss.

Roaring with anger, Gaara smashed his way out of a crystalline sphere of former sand that had protected him from the jutsu. Up in the stands, distressed by lack of water and presence of excruciating heat, a fish vanished in a puff of smoke. Hikaru made his move.

The chain whip split the air with deadly grace and precision, laying deep gouges into Gaara's demon arms. Soon, unused to high-speed combat and nowhere near as experienced as his opponent, the sand jinchuriki missed a block. His loose sand sprang to his defense, but lacking the density and biju chakra of his limbs, it provided little protection. Since the sand limbs had proven highly resilient, Hikaru aimed for Gaara's uncovered legs. Even jinchuriki could bleed out if they lost a limb.

Before the whip could land, Gaara sprouted a thick, spiny tail that curled around his vulnerable lower body and stopped the attack cold. Hikaru had just enough time for an "Oh, come on!" before he was swatted away. Determined to finish off the only person who'd demonstrated an ability to actually harm him, the sand ninja took his eyes off Sasuke, who'd held back to give the jonin space.

Sasuke rapidly chained through six signs, and clasped his right wrist with his left hand. The air around his right hand began to shimmer and pop, lazy air currents distorting the surrounding space. Accompanied by a grunt of effort and the stench of burning hair, a wave of heat washed over the area, reaching far enough to make Naruto, Ha, and Sakura blink. Hokori's natural fire resistance and Terra's size left them less affected.

Then, Sasuke charged. His hand still didn't look any different, but where it passed over the arena floor, it left a charred, glassy trail. When it struck Gaara's sand shield, the barrier _dished_ , spraying orange-hot droplets as Sasuke's arm powered through the obstruction. The sand armor didn't fare much better, dripping away like glowing blood as the Uchiha's palm plunged into it. Sasuke grinned, and Gaara screamed.

 **"Hhhh- HAAAAAAA! It burns! It burns, mother!"** The insane sand ninja shrieked, clapping a massive paw over the wound. Sasuke, forewarned by his Sharingan, dove to safety as soon as it started moving. Instinctive it may have been, but clapping a claw over the wound proved a poor decision on Gaara's part, as it trapped the molten glass next to his skin. **"AAAAAAHHHH!"** He continued to scream as he scrubbed his shoulder against the ground, flailing about in agony. **"Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop! Help me, mother! Please!"**

Now back on his feet, Hikaru looked for an opening to apply a seal, but the panicked flailing was even worse than organized opposition as far as getting close was concerned. It was harder to predict, and would leave a bigger hole. Then, Gaara stopped moving entirely.

"Is… he dead?" Sakura ventured, "Kami, if that jutsu's incomplete I'm not sure I want to see the real deal. Like, ever."

"Possibly?" Sasuke grimaced, staring down at his right arm, the flesh red and blistered. He didn't consider that jutsu incomplete because it was ineffective; the burns were inconvenient. And very painful, even by his standards. All the glowing-hot liquid splashing around hadn't helped. "Gaara trapped the glass near his skin, and sand is a good insulator. He might've cooked himself inside that armor."

No such luck. Gaara rose again, on a wave of sand. Far more sand than could possibly fit in his gourd, far more than he'd been using before. The sand enveloped its master, carrying him higher as it gathered and pooled, towering over the leaf ninja, the arena, and even Terra. Reacting quickly, Hikaru sent a dragon head bomb, his strongest ninjutsu, into the approximate area Gaara had disappeared into, but this didn't seem to accomplish anything. Before the horrified eyes of everyone in the stadium, the sand began to take form, twisted limbs, pulsing black vein, and a pair of glowing, yellow-on-black eyes.

 **"Heheeheehehehahaha! Free! I'm out, mortals!"** The demon Shukaku screeched, **"Now, who gets slaughtered first…? Gotta make the first kill special, after all. I know! How about the suicidal fools who thought they could kill** _ **my**_ _ **boy**_ **?"**

* * *

 _Ten minutes earlier..._

* * *

The puppet that had grappled Sarutobi Hiruzen was made of tough, well-treated ironwood and handled by a master. Once the Hokage recovered from the surprise of his opponent ignoring the loss of its head, he still escaped its grasp with ease. For some reason, it hadn't bothered trying to poison him, despite having the perfect opportunity to do so. Why would it…?

Oh. Oh, no.

"Orochimaru," Hiruzen greeted heavily, as he hit the roof with a thump. The rogue sannin looked much as his former mentor remembered. The lines on his face were a bit deeper, his hair in a different style… The dark cloak decorated with red clouds was new, though. The snake master usually preferred purple and white, if Hiruzen remembered correctly. Orochimaru's hunchbacked companion wore a similar cloak, so maybe a uniform? That was worrying, especially since… "And Sasori of the red sand. I hadn't thought your goals in alignment."

"Oh, I don't know," The sannin waffled conversationally, "He likes to play with corpses for art, I like to play with corpses for science. He likes to poison everybody, I like to poison my enemies. He's immortal, I'm immortal. You'd be amazed how much common ground you can find with someone when you share a safe house for a few months, sensei."

"Shut up, Orochimaru," The hunchback grumbled, "You talk too much. My time is valuable. Let's just waste the old man, already."

"For a puppeteer, you have no sense of the dramatic," The traitorous sannin shot back, "I thought you puppet guys were supposed to be in to theatre."

"Time and place!" Sasori spat, "This is neither. The third Hokage may be old, but we can't underestimate him."

"Oh, but you do understand that my subordinates needed time to set up that barrier," Orochimaru casually indicated the red cube of energy rising around them, far too fast for Hiruzen to react, "No escape, old man."

"Complaining fills time," Sasori pointed out, "Now raise the outer barrier so we can get this over with already!"

Obediently, the sound ninja at each corner started going through a set of hand signs. Then, a huge, glowing hammer hit the one with two heads, sending him sailing off into the middle distance. The barrier jutsu popped like a soap bubble in a swordsmith's shop. Three genin split off toward the remaining lesser rogues as their leader sauntered over to stand by the Hokage.

"Wow, crotchety old man central. 'S like every bingo night my grandmamma threw ever," Terumi Mei chuckled at her own joke, doffing her Kage hat and tossing it aside, "Still, even if you two are the younger, I find myself more attracted to Konoha's side. Funny how that works, isn't it. All the mad, twisted science in the world, and you couldn't figure out plastic surgery." Orochimaru's left eye ticced. "Seriously, does Sasori even _have_ a nose? Because I don't see one. I mean, is being immortal really worth looking like _that_ forever?"

"What did you just say?" The former sand ninja's voice took on a deadly chill.

"You didn't understand the first time? Maybe you should've made yourself immortal before you started going senile," The Mizukage suggested breezily, "You're both butt-ugly. You more so than snaky. I'm respectfully suggesting you should've preserved someone more photogenic for posterity."

"I am going to enjoy turning you into a puppet," Sasori growled. From under his cloak, a thick, jointed tail extended, the bladed tip dripping with poison.

"Necrophilia?! Ew! Gross!"

"Wh- I- You- I do not! That's disgusting!"

"Really?" Now Orochimaru looked surprised.

Hiruzen face-palmed.

* * *

Waves of sound, heavy and sickly-sweet, washed over the area. The Kage and Akatsuki barely even noticed the genjutsu contained within, but most of the nearby ninja collapsed where they stood, like somebody had flipped a cosmic switch.

"Hah, toldja those mist kids would be easy," The source of the music gloated, sliding her flute back into the thick rope belt that served as part of the uniform of Orochimaru's elite, "Sure they got Sakon, but I don't think that fuckwit ever figured out the difference between being able to regenerate and being invulnerable…"

"You should be more polite to your comrades, Tayuya," Admonished another of the snake sannin's bodyguards, a hulking, mostly-bald man. "But, yeah, Sakon was always a bit overconfident. So don't make his mistake!"

"Bah, they're out like lights," Observed the third remaining guard as he drew a kunai with each of his six arms, passing one to Tayuya, "Sure they've got potential, but they're just genin. Let's just get this over with. Maybe somebody more interesting will show up if we start killing prisoners."

Still failing to follow their own advice, the three sound ninja strolled over to their nearest victims, the three mist genin, and knelt to finish them off. Knives and a fist raised…

Tayuya took a kunai to the throat, and each man a kick to the head. A pair of slaps roused the genin to either side, and Sora of Kiri leaped to his feet, Hiroe and Chojuro close behind.

"You weren't affected at all!" The six-armed man exclaimed, ignoring his noisily dying ally, "You're just a genin! How?"

"WHAT?" Sora shouted at them, tapping his headphones with a free hand, "CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF HOW AWESOME I AM!"

"Kami damn it, Tayuya," He grumbled, "Well, I did say I wanted this interesting. Three on two might do it."

"We don't have time for you to play with them, Kidomaru," The other surviving sound ninja stepped in front of his comrade, "With Tayuya down, Lord Orochimaru needs your webs to keep his fight from being interfered with again."

"Hell no! No way you're getting all the fun, Jirobo," Kidomaru argued, "You just wanna have all their chakra to yourself!"

"What? No! Lord Orochimaru should be our priority… not…" The larger man trailed off, "Where'd all this mist come from? Wait-" Sure enough, the mist ninja had vanished.

"It's just a mist jutsu," Scoffed the shorter man, "A little fire oughtta burn it off." Keeping four arms in a defensive position, he made hand signs with the two free ones and breathed a gout of flames into the mist. The mist inexplicably failed to evaporate. "Uh…"

"I'll just crush them all!" Jirobo decided. He concentrated (looking rather constipated in the process), and a dark pattern began to spread across his skin, "If I hit everything at once, it won't matter where they're hiding!" The hulking ninja set his stance… and his left foot went out from under him. This alone wouldn't have meant much.

But while he wobbled, a vertical cylinder of water bullets and shuriken tore into him, and on uncertain footing he had no chance of keeping his balance. As he fell, a dark, purple shadow rose from the mist, and buried her wakazashi into the sound ninja's back. He didn't get up again.

"Found you!" Kidomaru promptly rushed her, thrusting out with his knives, as his own tattoo-like patterns began to spread. He struck satisfyingly deep, spraying the roof and Jirobo's corpse with liquid… water? The last of Orochimaru's bodyguards had just enough time to register the glowing hammer dropping toward him before everything went black and red.

"Great shot, Chojuro!" Sora clapped the slightly older boy on the back, "I bet we'll get a sweet bounty for this lot. Or at least bragging rights. So now we go support Lady Mei, yeah?"

"No. We'll set up a perimeter, and try to intercept any sound or sand ninja who get delusions of grandeur," Hiroe ordered, efficiently frisking Jirobo and Kidomaru. "Take the explosive tags I found on these guys and set some traps."

"But… I thought we were supposed to be doing teamwork," protested Sora, "Doesn't seem right to leave our Kage all alone in a fight."

"She's fighting Orochimaru, and someone strong enough for Orochimaru to treat as an equal. We'd just get in the way," Hiroe asserted, "But you're wrong about her being alone. Lady Mizukage has the Hokage on her side. That's worth all the genin in Kiri. And all the chunin, probably."

* * *

"Lord Jiraiya! Thank the Kami you're here!"

"Gwahaha, 'lord'? I like the sound of that!" Chuckled the sannin, "So, Inoichi, what's the situation? How're the outer defenses holding up?"

"Pretty well, actually," The Yamanaka patriarch said, "We've managed to keep the walls from being breached so far."

"Even against those giant snake summons?"

"Funny story, that. Hyuga Hiashi bet Uchiha Fugaku that whoever killed less invaders had to foot the sake bill at the victory celebration. I think they're currently debating the best way to grill a two hundred foot snake for party snacks."

"So… do you actually need me for anything, then? 'Cause there's an unstable jinchuriki back at the arena, and…"

"Unbelievable as it might sound, we've got a bigger problem," Inoichi motioned for Jiraiya to look back towards Konoha, "The outer defenses are fine for now, but they won't be soon. You see that?" Jiraiya followed the mind reader's finger to a trail of broken buildings and ninja extending back toward the wrecked Hokage monument. As they watched, another building collapsed before… whatever was doing that. "We aren't sure what it is. The thing is roughly humanoid, covered in heavy armored plates, and not especially fast. But nothing we've done to it has caused any damage! Even my mind control jutsu and Nara shadow possession techniques don't affect it. It just keeps walking! If the pattern holds, it'll go straight through the wall easy as you please. And then the enemy will come pouring through the hole. It's bad enough as is, but the wall keeps them from just rushing us with puppets and Orochimaru's freaky, berserker experiments."

"Well, I wouldn't want a _simple_ fight," The toad sage grumbled, "Do we have anything on what this thing can do?"

"It's big, strong, heavy, and tough. Has these great big claws that go through solid stone like it's paper," Inoichi reported, "Sluggish, like I said, but nothing seems to hurt it. We even sunk it in a pit with an earth jutsu. Thing just walked into the wall until it emerged through the side of a hill. It won't fight unless you really annoy it, though. I don't think it cares about us as long as we aren't in its way."

"Except the outer wall is in its way," Jiraiya observed, "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

 **"…** _ **What**_ **is** _ **that**_ **?!"**

"That is Shukaku," Namikaze Minato might as well have been made of stone, for all the movement he showed, "Shukaku the sand wraith, a demon on par with the nine-tailed fox you fought the day we met."

 **"Naruto will not be able to defeat such a foe! I need to help him."**

"Er, we're all for that, but what about Arceus?" Kushina pointed out, "If you attract His attention, you'll be doing us more harm than good. Besides, Jiraiya and the Hokage should be able to beat up Shukaku. It's their freaking job dattebane!"

"No, he won't," Minato said, "Hiruzen's busy. If he was able to intervene, he would have done so by now. Jiraiya would've too. It's gotta be you, Giratina."

 **"Do you know anything about the sand demon I could take advantage of?"**

"Well, he's made of sand, obviously, so only attacks that destroy sand or target chakra directly can affect him. He can also control any sand around him, and send portions of his body down into the ground to grind bedrock into more sand," The fourth Hokage shared, "So the longer a battle goes, the stronger he gets."

"Uh, Lady Mito, one of my sensei, mentioned that Shukaku's good at wind style when he bothers with ninjutsu," added Kushina, "That help?"

 **"It should. I shall return shortly,"** Giratina thrust her tentacles forward, into the boundary between her Distortion World and the realm of the living. With a sharp pull, she attempted to pull a rift open. Reality unaccountably failed to bend to her whim. **"Rrrrr. Open! I command it!"**

" **IT IS NOT YOURS TO COMMAND, GIRATINA. IT IS MINE."**

The forms of all three ghosts wavered like mist in the sun before the Voice. Minato and Kushina began to drift from their former position, eyes open but blank. Giratina, her divine power offering a measure of resilience the human ghosts could not equal, stabilized immediately, eyes wide. **"No! Not you! Not now!"**

" **YOU HAVE GREATLY DISAPPOINTED ME, MY DAUGHTER. WAS I INSUFFICIENTLY CLEAR AS TO THE TERMS OF YOUR EXILE?"**

Arceus the Creator, His loyal sons by His side, descended from the heavens surrounded by His plates. Dialga clearly would've rather been anywhere but here. Speechless he may have been, but the kami of time always made up for it with deliberate expressiveness.

Palkia mostly just looked nervous. And Giratina knew exactly why. She had a hunch, anyway.

 **"Palkia you snitch! You told Father?!"**

 **"I- er- He was gonna find out anyway!"** The dragon of space whined, **"He always finds out! It was just gonna be worse for you the longer you got away with it! You- You can't disobey him, sis!"**

 **"Don't call me that, Palkia."**

 **"Sis?"**

 **"You betrayed me, Palkia,"** The pink dragon flinched away from his sister's furious gaze, **"I gave you my trust, and you sold me out. And for what? A few years of Father's favor? A pat on the head? And now Naruto will pay for** _ **your**_ **pathetic claw-kissing! You… You are no brother of mine!"**

" **Naruto…? You've been skipping on your sentence to stuff your face with** _ **ramen**_ **?! A- You're insane!"** Palkia's resolve abruptly hardened, **"I didn't think, but… Father was right all along! You're nuts! Sorry, sis, but this is for your own good."**

" **Damn you to the bowels of Yveltal!"** The dragoness threw herself at the dimensional border, sending violent ripples through the Distortion World but failing to make any headway, **"You treacherous, backstabbing-"**

" **YOU FORFEITED YOUR RIGHT TO ACCUSE OTHERS OF TREACHERY LONG AGO, DAUGHTER,"** Once again, the Voice of Arceus stopped Giratina in her tracks, **"I ONCE SHOWED YOU MERCY, MY FIRST-BORN. A COMFORTABLE PRISON, CRAFTED BY YOUR OWN HAND, THAT YOU SWORE YOU WOULD ONLY LEAVE ON MY BEHEST. A PRISON FROM WHICH YOU MIGHT LOOK OUT UPON THE WORLD YOU FORSOOK."** Under His gaze, Giratina's mirror shattered into glittering dust, taking the image of Naruto and the demon with it. **"MAYHAPS I WAS TOO LENIENT IN YOUR SENTENCE."**

* * *

 **A.N. What, you thought Arceus was gonna be the climactic encounter? I think I've been underestimated.**


	25. Under the Fog of War

**A.N. 'And that's why he's called cliff hanger!' =D**

 **For this chapter, the ideal backing track is Battle Theme! Vs Arceus (DPPt). Because, you know, Arceus.**

* * *

 ** _"I ONCE SHOWED YOU MERCY, MY FIRST-BORN. A COMFORTABLE PRISON, CRAFTED BY YOUR OWN HAND, THAT YOU SWORE YOU WOULD ONLY LEAVE ON MY BEHEST. A PRISON FROM WHICH YOU MIGHT LOOK OUT UPON THE WORLD YOU FORSOOK. MAYHAPS I WAS TOO LENIENT IN YOUR SENTENCE."_**

* * *

 **"Lenient?** ** _Lenient?_** **"** Giratina made a serpentine circle as she turned to face her family, **"You know not the meaning of the word!"**

 **"YOU ATTEMPTED TO KILL ME, MY DAUGHTER, WITHOUT REASON OR GRIEVANCE,"** Arceus pointed out, **"I DID WHAT WAS NECESSARY TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THE UNIVERSE."**

The dragoness actually laughed in His face at that, a flat, humorless sound that echoed through the impossible geometry of her home. **"Without reason… You still don't understand… why I would rather rule this** ** _hell_** **than serve for one more instant a creator who does naught but** ** _take_** **!"**

 **"I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU POSSESS!"**

 **"You took my freedom. You took my life,"** Energy, thick and dark, began to drip from Giratina's tentacles as they loomed over her head like skeletal wings. Arceus at least appeared unaffected, but both Palkia and Dialga flinched back from their sister's deathly aura. **"You shall** ** _not_** **take my son from me!"**

" **WAIT,** ** _WHAT_** **?"**

Giratina hit Him in the face with a dragon pulse, producing a large and immensely satisfying explosion. Even as the attack landed, she was already rushing forward, crimson-bladed limbs extended like lances to skate futilely across His skin. Both Giratina and Arceus already knew how this fight was going to end; even at the height of her power, the dragoness had failed to so much as scratch her adversary. Then again, Minato had met the nine-tailed fox in battle certain that he would lose, and the fox hadn't walked away. She wasn't giving up until she had exhausted every possible way to make Him pay!

 **"SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A-"** Utterly uninterested in anything He had to say, Giratina thrust a razor-tipped tentacle into His mouth. Sadly, Arceus' insides were no more vulnerable than the rest of Him. Pity, that. Well, what about fire? The Uchiha seemed to think it solved everything.

Retracting her golden mask, she sent waves of ghostly, purple flames washing over His body, again to no effect. Undaunted, she started charging an aura sphere. He threw her off, into one of the irregular patches of grassy land floating about the Distortion World, sending Giratina's attack wide, and how the heck had He just used a fighting move on a ghost?!

 **"THIS EXERCISE IS POINTLESS. YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME,"** Arceus floated closer as He spoke. **"DO YOU NOT RECALL THAT I CANNOT BE HARMED BY THE ATTACK OF ANY POKEMON?"**

"Oh, good. For a moment there, I was worried. Just a bit, dattebane," Thick, glowing, spiked chains tipped with heavy anchors shot out from a nearby bit of land, digging into Arceus in a spiny embrace. They failed to pierce His skin, but when He tried to pull away they _held_. "Also nice to know dad wasn't blowin' smoke when he said Uzumaki sealing chains will work on absolutely anything. For a while, at least." Sure enough, cracks were already starting to spread through the chakra constructs as Arceus pitted His immense power against the Uzumaki clan's secret technique.

But not quickly enough (or exactly quickly enough, depending on whether you were asking Him or Kushina). Because the Distortion World sang with the song of a thousand knives scraping across whetstones. In a burst of clear, yellow light, a whirling sphere of energy appeared just above Arceus, surrounded by fuzzy, white blades. Accelerating rapidly, the chakra shuriken punched through the weakened chains, slammed into Arceus, and exploded into a whirling vortex of razor-edged wind, sending the Creator tumbling away.

Flash.

Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina stood on Giratina's uppermost neck spines, bracketing her head. Minato took a deep, steadying breath, eyes closed. Kushina gave Arceus a salute with her tongue and both middle fingers. The dragoness blinked, slowly. **"What. The heck. Was that?"**

"That was my Super Omega Rasengan Shuriken of God-slaying Doom!" The Fourth Hokage proclaimed, "Whaddidya think?"

"I think you need a better name for that. How about… Ooh, call it a rasenshuriken dattebane! It's a rasengan. And a shuriken."

"How come nobody ever lets me name my own techniques?"

"How is it not obvious?"

" **How did you do that? Father is immune to every attack of the same element as the Plates He carries. Did He forget the Sky Plate in the Hall of Origin?"**

" **YES, I THINK WE ARE ALL CURIOUS,"** Arceus rose back to His opponents' elevation, a patchwork of scratches and scuffs marking where Minato's jutsu had hit. Where before hearing His voice incapacitated the human ghosts, now they didn't even flinch.

"We might be dead, but that's no excuse for slaking off on our training," Minato glared up at Arceus with barred pupils set in orange irises, another chakra shuriken screeching up to speed in his palms, "And Senjutsu tends to break the rules like that. Although I freely admit I have no idea how you took that so well. Giratina? Throw me at Him."

" **Wha- Nonono. This is my battle. That is** _ **Arceus**_ **. I will not allow you to spend your soul so-"**

"Seriously, G-chan? He's our kid too, yanno," Kushina amiably punched the dragoness in the side, "Besides, give dandelion-head a little credit dattebane! You don't get to be the Hokage by collecting bottle caps."

" **Very well. Destination** **?"** Minato casually lobbed his rasenshuriken toward Arceus before replying.

"Five o'clock up, six o'clock left! Now!" Odd instructions. After living with the two undead jonin for nearly fourteen years, Giratina was somewhat fluent in Konoha's military vernacular. She might not understand why Minato wanted to go nowhere near their opponent, but she would trust him to know what he was doing until proven otherwise. One of her tentacles flexed like a whip, sending the ghost soaring off into the aether.

A spread of ghostly kunai bounced off of something large and invisible as the rasenshuriken blew away Arceus' substitute like it was made of tissue paper. Having no real reason to maintain His invisibility technique, since Minato obviously knew exactly where He was, the Creator shimmered back into view… and the jaws of three dragons fell open in shock.

The actual Arceus did not look much worse than His substitute had, but a few drops of golden fluid seeped from the deepest scratches when He moved. A human had drawn first blood. From Arceus Himself.

Flash.

Minato's next attack didn't land. It hit the flat pane of a reflect screen, and stopped cold. But that wasn't important as far as anyone watching was concerned. What did matter was that, for the first time in mortal memory, Arceus had actually bothered to defend Himself from an attack.

Flash.

The ghostly Hokage briefly appeared behind Arceus, at one of the kunai he'd thrown earlier, and vanished again, leaving behind a seal-coated rock. Which proceeded to explode, throwing even more of Minato's signature, three-pronged kunai all over the area. The comparatively tiny knives had no effect on Arceus, but they did substantially increase Minato's mobility. This time, no less than _three_ chakra shuriken homed in on the Creator from different angles.

Arceus vanished in a blur as He used extremespeed… and ran into another rasenshuriken, one of two aimed at His safest avenues of escape. The blast threw Him straight into the other one, which bounced Him back into the path of the original three, engulfing Arceus in a sphere of countless blades five times His size.

" **YOU DARE TO SPILL** _ **MY**_ **BLOOD?"** The rasenshuriken were blown apart by a titanic pulse of wind that passed through the three ghosts without effect but sent Palkia and Dialga staggering in the air. Arceus rose from the epicenter, his ring and feet having taken on a pale, grey hue. As the assembled ghosts watched, a sky blue Plate separated from His body, briefly returning Him to His usual white-and-gold color scheme, before another Plate, darker than a moonless night, merged with His form. The gold on His body slowly bled black as His skin rapidly bleached to the white of untouched canvas. Red light burned tiny candlepoints in His eyes and on His ring. **"DEATH IS NO ESCAPE FROM MY JUDGEMENT, PATHETIC MORTALS!"**

Giratina considered this briefly. Then she nailed Him in the chest with a dark pulse. It didn't exactly do much, but the fact that He'd felt it at all was enough to halt His tirade. **"Congradulations, idiot. The Dread Plate is inside you. No more dark immunity, and you know what? 'Not very effective' is a world apart from ineffective. Time for some payback!"** With the near-instant acceleration only enjoyed by psychics and ghosts, she rammed Arceus again, entire body crackling with sinister, dark power. His current form may have been highly resistant to dark attacks, but the Creator, in his relative inexperience with not being completely invulnerable, had forgotten something rather important.

Arceus' preferred form is that of a quadruped surrounded by a golden ring, approximately a hundred feet tall. Giratina is only fifty feet tall, but over _four hundred_ feet long, and while she isn't as heavyset as the nine-tailed fox demon or her father she is still far more massive than Arceus. When she could not touch Him, this was essentially irrelevant.

Now that she could? For the first time in eons, the laws of physics got to have their say, and inertia, as the saying goes, is a vengeful, sadistic bitch who loathes being ignored. The momentum behind the kaiju-sized dragon completely overwhelmed Arceus' abruptly inadequate levitation, allowing her to body-slam Him through one of the rocky islands that float about the Distortion World. **"You have no idea how much I am going to enjoy this,"** The fallen goddess purred, honing her tentacle-claws against Arceus' hide with a nails-down-the-chalkboard screech.

" **HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THESE MOVES?!"** While it was technically possible for Giratina to learn a few dark-type techniques, they weren't in her instinctive repertoire. The only way for her to learn them was from a trainer or another Pokémon, neither of which should have been possible.

" **That Cyrus fellow was kind enough to have his TM case on him when he sought refuge in my domain,"** Giratina's beak slid open as she charged another dark pulse, **"He did not have any use for it after I consumed his soul."**

"No idea why he had so many balls on him though. I'd understand if they were like smoke bombs or something, but just little metal bits?" Kushina appeared above the two kami in a flash of yellow, "Especially the weird markings. I mean, labels are one thing, but why put just one romanji on? H-ball? M-ball? What's up with that dattebane?"

All four legendary Pokémon froze in place, before turning to face the human ghost as one. Giratina's dark pulse fizzled. **"M-BALL? YOU ARE… CERTAIN?"** Arceus asked, His tone much like that of the average ninja parent whose precocious toddler has just gotten their hands on an explosive tag that _probably_ isn't live. A situation far more common than anyone would prefer.

" **Cyrus had a master ball?! How did Cyrus get a master ball?! How did I not find it?"** Giratina barraged Kushina with rapid, frantic questions while Palkia and Dialga tried to hide behind one of the floating islands, **"Why didn't you tell me about this?"**

"What?" Giratina distantly noted that Kushina's 'eat shit' grin was remarkably similar to Naruto's, as the undead human held up a tiny purple and pink trinket in her right hand, "Is it important or something?"

" **Er…"** The correct (and blindingly obvious) answer was 'yes', but none of the assembled gods really wanted to explain the details.

"Oops," Her expression glowing with innocence, Kushina sent the orb hurling downward with a flick of her wrist to bounce off of Arceus' head. Before His horrified eyes, the tiny machine fell open, and He vanished in a swirl of red light.

As His children watched in blank astonishment, the ancient device swung shut with a click. It wiggled once. Twice. And then exploded. **"THAT WAS NOT A MASTER BALL."**

"Bwahahahaha! Oh kami, that there's one for the scrap book. Wish I'd croaked with my camera on me so bad right now, you have no idea dattebane!" Kushina doubled over, wracked by gales of laughter, "Naw, Cyrus just had a buncha ultra balls. Mew told us about 'em, and the other types once. So we painted up some 'a the ultra balls. Figured you might not try to escape if you thought it was impossible."

" **SERIOUSLY?"**

"Hey, don't give me that dattebane! It's worked before…"

" **YOU HAVE CAPTURED OTHER POK** **É** **MON?"**

"Nope. But big, ballsy bluffing is pretty much bread and butter for ninjas, yanno."

" **YOUR TRICKS WILL NOT SAVE-"** Another painted ultra ball bounced off Arceus' chest, cutting Him off as it sucked Him in.

"Working well so far dattebane." The ultra ball exploded.

" **THAT'S IT! JUDGEMENT."** From Arceus' ring, millions of tiny lines of light fanned outward, curving unerringly toward Kushina. For a ghost on the receiving end of the most powerful dark attack ever, Kushina looked rather unconcerned. In fact, she looked rather satisfied as she held a seal-inscribed rock in front of her like a shield.

"Hehehe… Doink!" The Creator's holy wrath hit a flat plane, extending outward from the rock perpendicular to Kushina's arms… And reversed direction. "Guess what? You gave a seal master time to prepare. That's kinda page one in the ninja handbook, under 'don't'. Up there with 'never start a land war in earth country', and 'never go up against a Nara when death is on the line', 'cause nothing less motivates them."

" **YOU ARE STALLING,"** Arceus floated unharmed through His own attack, His coloration back to its usual white and gold. Apparently, He'd decided that leaving Himself open like that was a tactical blunder.

"Oh, merciful kami no! He figured it out! What ever shall I do? All is lost! All is lost! Big, strong men first! They'll soak up the incoming fire!"

" **ARE YOU ACTUALLY BEING SARCASTIC WITH ME? …I DON'T THINK THAT'S EVER HAPPENED BEFORE."**

"Whaaat? Naw. I'm never sarcastic. Always completely serious."

" **YOU ARE STILL STALLING. WHERE IS MINATO?"** The Creator cast his senses questing outward, and found no sign of the former Hokage. Which was incredibly strange, and shouldn't have been possible. Fortunately (as far as Arceus was concerned), the rasenshuriken makes a lot of noise. Having come to the conclusion that dodging was probably playing right into Minato's hands, He chose to blow the incoming jutsu apart with a hyper beam, disregarding the recoil anyone else would have to deal with.

"Finally dattebane! What took you so long?"

"You can't rush sage mode," Minato reminded his wife, "That's when bad things happen. I'm already dead; we don't know what overdoing it would do to me. It's dangerous enough for the living."

" **I CAN'T SENSE IT, IT'S DANGEROUS TO HUMANS, IT NEEDS TO BE GATHERED… YOU'RE USING DIVINE CHAKRA! YOU'RE USING** _ **MY**_ **DIVINE CHAKRA!"** Minato abruptly fell out of sage mode, the experience rather like running head-first into a plate glass window. His chakra unresponsive, the ghost was dragged in front of Arceus in an irresistible telekinetic grasp, **"YOU ARE DRAWING IN THE CHAKRA LEFT OVER FROM WHEN I CREATED THIS WORLD, AND USING IT TO ENHANCE YOUR TECHNIQUES. THAT IS WHY THEY AFFECTED ME, AND WHY I COULD NOT SENSE YOUR APPROACH. IT IS DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY A THREAT THAT FEELS SO SIMILAR TO MYSELF. REST ASSURED THAT THIS WILL NOT WORK AGAIN."**

"Oh, crap!"

" **AND NO, UZUMAKI KUSHINA, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU."**

"Double crap!"

* * *

Most people assume that the biju are quite slow. Extremely large beings, if restricted by the laws of physics, simply cannot move quickly without tearing themselves apart. Indeed, from a distance (the only sane way to observe a biju), the demons _look_ slow. However, any ninja can tell you that enough chakra can turn the laws of physics into suggestions. And few beings have more chakra than the biju.

When Shukaku raised his paw and brought it down on Team Seven, Naruto and Sakura only saw him moving because there was so much of him in motion. Everybody else inside the stealth rocks had some form of superhuman sense to help them keep up. Ha grabbed Sasuke and Hokori and teleported to relative safety, before collapsing to his knees as the strain of moving a dozen times his mass caught up to him. Danketsu, benefitting from her functionally instantaneous reaction time, grabbed and threw Sakura out of danger, and was reaching for Naruto when Shukaku's barbed paw hit a translucent, purple barrier with tremendous force.

Hands raised in twisted claws, blood dribbling from his nose, Hikaru sank to a knee as he gazed up at the demon. Eyes glowing with psychic power, the jonin screamed wordless defiance as he pushed back, and shoved Shukaku's forepaw to the side. Danketsu took the opportunity to sweep up Naruto and hover for safety. His murderous grin undiminished, Shukaku swept his paw forward for another strike. With a roar of her own, Terra slammed five deadly, rocky blades into the demon's arm… but next to his voice, her roar sounded hollow, and her attacks seemed completely inconsequential to him.

This time, the biju's punch hit a glowing, orange forearm, which deflected the blow while a hefty, skeletal fist crunched into Shukaku's face. He grinned, the sand that formed his body slithering back into place. **"Uchiha. This will be fun."**

Uchiha Itachi responded by having his Susano'o thrust its sword through Shukaku's forehead. Dripping with liquid and the reek of cheap sake, the blade began to suck sand and demonic chakra into itself, until the biju pulled it out, heedless of the damage it did to his paw in the process. Itachi's chakra construct took another swing, forcing the demon to take an awkward hop backwards while his face and arm regenerated. **"You have the sakegiri?"** Shukaku exclaimed, eyes wide and fixed on the legendary blade, **"Where the hell did you get that?"**

Muscle began to spread across the avatar as Itachi directed it into a sweeping lunge that forced Shukaku back again. Rather uncomfortable on the defensive, the demon returned fire with several tons of hardened sand. Itachi brought his construct's other arm up, intercepting the projectile with no trouble on its polished, metal shield. **"** _ **And**_ **the yatta mirror?! That's bullshit! I call hax!"**

Itachi feinted low, and when Shukaku flinched, swept his sword up to sever the demon's left arm. Even as the biju regenerated, noticeably smaller than before, the sakegiri greedily drank in the sand and chakra it had liberated. Growling, the demon tanuki swung his jaws opened, a sphere of black and white chakra building in his mouth. Itachi stabbed that, too, and the jutsu promptly failed as its chakra was sealed away.

Then, Shukaku's smile returned. **"You're strong, Uchiha. But Uchiha Madara couldn't beat me alone. And you're no Madara."** Claws of sand erupted from the ground _inside_ Itachi's Susano'o, which began to fade as its creator lost his focus. The teenage Uchiha made to leap away, but missed a step, blood seeping from the corners of his mouth as a cough racked his body. The gleeful sand erupted around him, eager to claim the life of the one who had injured its master so.

Sasuke dashed to the rescue, left hand blazing like an invisible sun. He blasted the sand back in a wave of glass and heat, snagged his brother with an elbow, and dragged the older ninja back. Sakura planted a pair of explosive-tagged kunai into the sand, dispersing Shukaku's follow-up attack and letting the two Uchiha safely retreat. "Big Brother! What happened?" Seeing Itachi bleed was not exactly encouraging, "Why didn't you dodge?"

"The Susano'o is very taxing, and has significant backlash when broken," The young jonin shared, rising to a slightly shaky crouch, "I had hoped it would defeat Shukaku. We need to fall back."

"What? Why?"

"Attempting to use the Susano'o again will kill me almost instantly. To my knowledge, neither Jonin Fuji nor I have another way to harm Shukaku." That he didn't think the genin could do it either went unspoken, but clearly heard.

"Screw that! Do you know who lives behind that wall?" Sakura gestured wildly at the side of the arena as she spoke, "My parents! Hundreds of civilians, an orphanage, subsidized housing for veterans…"

"The seconds we could buy with them are _not_ worth Sa- our lives," Itachi insisted, "We need to alert Lord Jiraiya and get him to the arena."

In front of them, Terra body-slammed Shukaku. The biju, his mass reduced by the sakegiri, was actually checked by the attack. Stealth rocks cut into the tanuki from all directions, most bouncing off his body… but a few penetrated. The smile this prompted from Sakura wasn't happy, but it was certainly satisfied. "No, I think we can beat him. How many windmill shuriken do we have?"

Eyebrows raised, but trusting his teammate, Sasuke awkwardly maneuvered one of the huge, collapsible blades out of his pouch with his forearms. Naruto also contributed one, and Itachi two more, which Sakura laid out in front of her along with the one she already had. Using one of Naruto's sticking seals, she attached one of her demolition charges to each, and set up a simple detonator. Five seals, for five bombs. Press for boom.

"Shukaku's body is hard as steel, and made of sand. He's nearly invulnerable. But nearly isn't completely," The girl explained, "He can't keep his whole body in that state all the time. That's why Terra's pointy rocks sometimes dug into him; he has to soften his joints in order to move. If we land the shuriken in those soft spots, drive them in with a jutsu, and explode them inside him, it'll do loads of damage."

"Oh! Maybe if I try for it…" Naruto, a pensive look on his face, cycled through his summoning hand signs yet again, and slapped the ground. This time, the smoke cloud was very small, and in the center of it sat a small, fluffy brown canine with orange ribbons tied to its ears. The creature looked up at Naruto with huge, watery eyes, and spoke up in fluent if heavily accented Japanese.

"Oh! Hey! You Naruto! Dad talked about you. Uh, I got summoned, right? I- I guess I do my best!" Then it caught sight of Shukaku. "Sweet Arceus, what is that?!"

"Uh, you're a messenger, right? That was what I was going for, anyway…"

"…I'm fast, and I have a good memory. I speak well human. I guess I could. Sounds better than fighting (gulp) that."

"Great! I need you to find Jiraiya! He's a really big guy with wild, white hair and Christmas colored clothes! Probably near giant toads, can't miss 'em. He needs to come here and beat up Shukaku!"

"Eev- Er, I go. Find Jiraiya, he beat Shukaku. Got it. I go!" With a look of adorable determination, the tiny Pokémon charged off into the crowd, weaving through the legs of the battling ninja.

"I was hoping for a bird or another big bug…" Naruto groaned once the summon was out of earshot, "Something with wings. I hope she can pull through. Better than no message, I guess." Behind them, Shukaku managed to pry Terra's jaws off his right foreleg and throw the Steelix to the ground. "S'not like we've got time to try again."

Naruto, Sakura, Ha, Hikaru, and Itachi each took a bombed shuriken and fanned out, fleeing the biju's ponderous footfalls. As Shukaku turned to keep Itachi in sight, Naruto saw his target, and hurled his shuriken at the sand demon's knees, putting his whole body behind the throw. The blade spun through the air… and struck at an angle, bouncing off the sand. Fortunately, Ha and Hikaru's weapons, guided by Psychic nudges, flew true and bit into the biju's hind legs. Once they hit, Hokori swept the area with a dragon pulse, driving both blades deep into the sand.

Itachi and Sakura also landed their shuriken properly, but not through any special jutsu or ability. They'd just actually taken the time to become skilled with thrown weapons. Faster than Shukaku could react, Danketsu slammed a bullet punch into each shuriken, hammering them into the biju's front knees. Then, Sakura set off the four attached bombs.

When fighting something very large, most people, ninja or not, favor direct attacks. A bigger opponent is an easier target, most of the time. Itachi was of the opinion that this is a mistake. Bigger enemies stand farther from the ground, and in the biju's' case weigh thousands of tons at least. The world itself hits far harder than any human ever could, and all you have to do to get it on your side is tip your enemies over.

Shukaku's legs exploded, sending a cascade of abruptly inanimate sand to the arena floor just ahead of the demon's swearing, limb-less torso. As the biju began to re-form himself, Danketsu scooped up Naruto's wayward shuriken. Timing her approach perfectly, the metang shoved the explosive down Shukaku's throat in the middle of a particularly vehement (and mostly incomprehensible) curse. Sakura set it off right away, figuring the explosion would be unlikely to harm her partner, and blew the demon's head clean off. Danketsu soared overhead, riding the blast, punched through the stealth rocks with no trouble, and flattened a sound ninja on impact, but was forced to engage with his teammates when one of them tried to shoot the steel Pokémon down with a fire jutsu.

Terra and Hikaru charged into the roiling sand pit that had once been a part of Shukaku's body, and flared their chakra. Every bit of sand they could wrest control of with their earth-style jutsu or ground-type attacks was sand that the biju couldn't use. They managed to draw off several tons, but Shukaku soon threw them off as he rose again in a gritty swirl, again noticeably smaller than he had been.

Grumbling with annoyance at the thought of actually putting effort into the fight, the demonic tanuki slammed a forelimb down on Terra, leaving thick bands of slowly tightening sand to bind and (attempt) to crush her. While she wasn't hurt by the attack, she couldn't get enough leverage to muscle through the restraints.

With the steelix out of the way, for the moment at least, Shukaku turned back to the smaller humans and Pokémon. **"You know, I don't think anyone has ever hurt me as badly as you lot,"** The biju mused, **"Before I was just gonna kill ya. Now, I'm gonna enjoy it. So, any other cute tricks left?"** Not exactly interested in their response, he immediately blurred into motion, disregarding the others in his eagerness to step on Itachi.

The elder Uchiha easily evaded the first clumsy assault, but Shukaku had never been interested in fighting fair. Clawed arms arose from the ground around the weakened human, forcing him to defend from all sides. When he was fresh, he might have made it. The Sharingan, in the eyes of a master, can work miracles. Having minutes before fought his way through thirty men while holding back, and then used the Mangekyo Sharingan with no opportunity to rest?

Sometimes there is no safe path to follow, and without the necessary chakra to create one Itachi couldn't dodge forever. A claw scraped at his heel, causing the jonin to stumble, slowing him just enough for three more to grasp at the purple barrier that sprang up around him as Fuji Hikaru came to his comrade's defense.

Shukaku wasn't particularly bothered; the shield gave him a stationary target. His first hammer blow spread cracks through the psychic screen, that could only begin to close when the second arrived, throwing dissipating chips from the defensive technique. The demon's third strike, a titanic haymaker with most of his body weight behind it, ploughed through the failing shield like a battering ram. The recoil sent a tiny form bouncing into the arena wall, where it collapsed unconscious or at least severely concussed with a huge (compared to the size of its head) goose egg atop its skull. Everyone took a moment to stare in shock.

"The pink thing?!" Sasuke exclaimed with what for him passed as blank astonishment, "Sensei was the pink thing? When did sensei become the pink thing?!"

"The pink thing?" Sakura questioned, "What pink thing?"

"That pink thing! He introduced me to Ha, and is apparently friends with Naruto's creepy aunt. Wait, Naruto! Did you know?"

"Uh, no? He didn't tell me!"

 _You didn't know? He wasn't nearly as good at hiding it as he thought he was._

"Metang."

"What?" Terra called out, unable to turn far enough to see the carnage, "What's going on? What pink thing?"

"Metang."

"Lord Mew?! Arceus above, we cannot allow him to fall into the demon's hands!" The steel snake struggled vigorously, but was unable to break through Shukaku's prison.

" **And with that minor distraction out of the way,"** The biju muttered, seizing the opportunity to box Itachi in again and scoop the exhausted Jonin up. The Uchiha sent a fireball into Shukaku's face, but failed to do any damage at all with the relatively weak jutsu. **"You. Do you fly, Uchiha?"** Itachi responded with more fire. **"Imma take that as a no."** Shukaku went through an elaborate wind-up, and pointed off toward the horizon with his empty forepaw. **"As you wait to go squish, think about what I'm going to be doing to your brother and his little friends while you're gone. Every mortal deserves to die knowing exactly how completely they fail at life. Have a nice flight, Uchiha!"** Again unharmed by the incoming attacks, this time a bullet punch, a dragon pulse, and one of Naruto's wind jutsu all aimed at the demon's wrist, Shukaku raised his arm, and hurled Itachi with all his might. The jonin soared over the horrified genin, vanishing from sight in seconds.

" **Now then,"** The genin hadn't thought Shukaku's grin could get wider, but as he turned back to them, it did. **"Only the small fry left. Who wants to play 'which brat is the summoner'? Well, maybe not quite yet,"** The biju gestured, and Terra's prison rotated, forcing her head around to stare at Team Seven. **"After all, I don't think anything I could do to you will hurt you as bad as what I'm gonna do to** _ **them**_ **."**

* * *

"Hoooof!" Registeel just became the envy of a significant portion of Konoha's female population, and the idol of most of the rest. It punched Jiraiya in the face.

With the toad sage out of the way, the ancient golem continued on its way. Three house-sized toads strained against ropes wrapped around the steel Pokémon's rotund frame, but Registeel appeared entirely unaffected by their efforts. Jiraiya pulled himself upright with a groan, already considering the problem. Conventional weapons, needless to say, were completely ineffective. They could have trouble with traditional lacquered wood armor; there was no way they would scratch something made of solid metal.

He supposed he could try sealing the walking statue, but he didn't think it would work. Most containment seals rely to some extent on interacting with the target's chakra. By all indication, the metal thing didn't actually _have_ any. Storage seals, on the other hand, were designed for inanimate objects. Which meant they don't work on stuff that is capable of independent movement. The seal master could invent a new seal to deal with the problem, and would be once the battle was over, but that would take more time than he had to spare.

Ninjutsu seemed like his best bet, but what could hurt something made of solid metal? Earth style? Whatever the statue was made of was harder than any stone found near Konoha. Jiraiya hadn't ever studied lightning or water style beyond how to counter them. And he couldn't produce a hot enough fire jutsu to melt the thing. He'd tried. Wind style might work, though. A wind blade could cut fine steel like it was paper.

Jiraiya took a deep breath, and ground his chakra against itself inside his lungs, before exhaling a swirl of razor-edged energy that gathered around his outstretched knife-hand. A few one-handed signs later, the toad sage faded from sight. Wind techniques tended to be transparent; might as well take advantage of that with a sneak attack.

Silently, the sannin approached his foe from behind, and swung his wind-shrouded hand at the mobile statue's right leg. Take out its support, and it'd be helpless. The wind jutsu met Registeel's armored hip with an ear-splitting screech, throwing up sparks, but in the end Jiraiya's ninjutsu failed long before the Pokémon's legendarily impervious skin. All he managed was to catch its attention.

Fortunately, that didn't make it any faster. Jiraiya easily ducked its clumsy swipe, and backpedaled out of reach. The circle of glowing dots on the golem's face flashed through a series of patterns as it considered the sannin. Slowly, a soft, white glow built over Registeel's body, before flowing rapidly toward the center dot. Once all the light had concentrated there, the Pokémon fired a pencil-thin beam of energy straight into Jiraiya's chest. The sannin did his best to dodge, but flash cannon is exceptionally difficult to evade. Any attack that travels at the speed of light only misses when its user makes a mistake.

Picking splinters out of his hair, Jiraiya staggered out of the house Registeel had blown him most of the way through moments before. He came out most of the way through a defensive earth jutsu… only to find that his 'opponent' had already turned back toward the walls and started walking. Seriously? He hadn't been ignored like this since the last time he asked Tsunade out!

Not that he'd demonstrated any ability to hurt the thing. As far as anyone could tell, it was completely invulnerable. Perhaps he could sink it? The interception teams had tried dropping it into a pit, which hadn't worked. But, Jiraiya knew a few jutsu most people, even earth masters, usually didn't. Many of his favorite jutsu had a higher chakra cost than the average jonin would be comfortable with. Like this one: "Earth Style- Dark Swamp!"

Registeel's next step met goopy, sucking mud instead of stable ground. Face lights flashing wildly, the steel type tried to pull back, but the lack of steady footing had already unbalanced it. Arms flailing, the golem teetered, and fell into the swamp, where it quickly sank out of sight. Jiraiya stared at the swamp for a few moments. When Registeel failed to reappear he let himself relax a little and check himself for broken ribs and internal injuries.

Fortunately, Registeel's energy beam hadn't done a ton of damage. Sure, it would have killed a civilian, but the sannin's expert body reinforcement techniques had let him walk away with bruises. That fight had been way harder than he'd expected. Once the battle was over he'd have to bring a team back to try to secure the thing; best to leave it in the swamp now.

"You Jiraiya?" The sannin turned at the mention of his name, only to see a small… fox? Probably a fox, or maybe some weird new breed of Inuzuka dog, but whatever it was it was questioning Inoichi.

"I'm Jiraiya," He called out. The only talking dogs are ninja dogs, and as far as the sannin knew Konoha was the only village who had those.

"Ah! Good!" The tiny, brown canine dashed over to Jiraiya, "I have message from Naruto! He in trouble. You need to come and beat up Shukaku or he die. Team die too."

Jiraiya considered this for a moment. "Fuck sensei's restraining order. I'm saving my nephew. And his friends, if I can."

The ground shook, a minor tremor that had Jiraiya looking around for smoke clouds and craters. Had the invaders brought up siege artillery? If the land of Wind's daimyo had sent his conventional forces to back up his ninja, that would be bad. Konoha was hard-pressed enough as it was.

A quick scan of the skies showed a reassuring lack of incoming catapult stones or ballista bolts, thank the kami. However, a scan of the ground showed cracks spreading from the edge of the swamp, accompanied by more tremors. No fucking way. "Its still active! Sage, what does it take to stop that thing?!"

"What thing?" Naruto's summon flicked her ears curiously, "What you fight here?"

"Big, metal statue thing. Nasty claws, and a circle of red dots on its face. No head," Jiraiya briefly described, "And now it's sheltered by the ground. As if it didn't have enough armor before."

"Big metal statue? Dot circle? Like this?" The summoned Pokémon scratched a quick sketch into the dirt.

"Yeah! Like that!" The sannin's expression turned calculating, "You know what this thing is? Is… it a Pokémon?"

"Know little bit. Heard stories," She admitted, "That sound lot like Registeel. Registeel created long ago to be great guardian of… something. No one remember what. It powerful kami of metal. Can't be scratched by any attack. It steel type Pokémon, so fire, ground, and fighting moves should hurt it more. Other moves, not much. It resist lots, and really tough."

"Fighting? So I'm supposed to beat something _made of metal_ with my bare hands?!"

"No, silly! Fighting move need… uh, not know the word. Body chakra?"

"Oh! Yang chakra! Pure physical energy," Jiraiya explained, "Yeah! If you reinforced your body enough, you could break through any object, no matter how hard it is. Except …I suck at yin-yang jutsu. And I already tried fire and earth jutsu; they're not powerful enough, presumably because they're designed to fight humans, not living statues. Something to bring up with sensei when this is over. I don't suppose you know any of those moves?"

"I have sand attack? Kick sand in eyes?"

"That's what I thought. Now how am I gonna keep it from breaching the walls?"

"Wait, Registeel trying to leave?"

"Yeah, and we're okay with that. But if it goes through the outer wall to do it, Konoha's in a very bad position. It won't help the kids if I go seal Shukaku, and then Konoha gets overrun by invaders."

"So why not help Registeel?"

"What."

"You have ground move, right? Make ramp. Registeel walk up ramp, over wall. Not break stuff."

"That… You might be on to something… You have a name?"

"I not have name yet. Need to earn with action. Or get one from trainer, but that not happen in long time. Call by species name for now. I eevee."

"Good enough for me, Eevee. Let's see how this idea of yours pans out, and then go rescue the kids."

* * *

Hissing, spitting, and trailing sulfurous fumes, a hefty slug of molten rock sailed overhead and splattered against the rooftop. The clay tiles covering the roof, being fireproof, immediately began to melt under the lava. Sasori flinched back from the heat, looking very uncomfortable despite his inability to sweat.

"Kami damn it, Orochimaru! I didn't sign up for this," Akatsuki's puppet-master growled as he diced three of the Third Hokage's earth clones with his bladed tail, "Unless you can give me a very convincing reason, I'm pulling out."

"Come on, she's not that tough," Orochimaru insisted, forcing Mei to abandon her next jutsu with a thrust of the Kusanagi's extendable blade, "We can take her."

"She shoots _lava_. The Hokage is a master of fire-style. My puppets are made of _wood_." Grumbled the missing-nin from Suna, "I am not okay with this."

"Keep them off me for a few seconds," The rogue sannin suggested, "I'll even the odds."

Keep them off him. How? Sasori doubted that even his masterpiece, the Third Kazekage's immensely powerful jutsu would be of much use here. A lot of the Kazekage puppet's strength came from his magnetokinetic kekkei genkai. Mei wasn't carrying anything metal to affect, the Hokage stored all his tools out of reach in seals, and both of them could melt the iron sand the puppet carried, rendering the weapon useless.

Against almost any other opponents, the puppeteer could rush them with his puppets, overwhelm them with sheer numbers, and even if the puppets didn't last long they'd at least get a few hits in. Then, their poisoned weapons would finish the job. Against two masters of jutsu hot enough to melt steel? Even if the weapons landed, the heat would denature the poisons.

Sasori hadn't become an S-rank criminal by being a one-trick ninja, though. He wasn't like those idiots Deidara and Hidan, whose lives were measured by how long it'd take someone to find their signature technique's counters. The puppeteer mentally triggered some of the storage seals hidden in his body, and six puppets appeared around him, the elegant seals making none of the smoke produced by wasted chakra.

Swinging them into formation, Sasori unfolded the arms of the three front line puppets, directing their internal chakra reserves into thick, translucent panes of energy that covered the extended panels and the spaces between them in a powerful barrier. He then ordered the machines to lock their shields, just in time for another lava bomb to bounce off of them with a bubbly hiss. Thank the Kami they'd held.

Now what was the Hokage doing? Hand signs, wind jutsu, not really a concern. The former sand ninja unsealed another two defensive puppets, and prepared them to block the incoming fire while he re-directed one of the offensive puppets he'd deployed earlier to keep Hiruzen honest with a barrage of senbon. The other two started lobbing explosive-tagged shuriken over their companions' barrier. Even if Mei hit them with a jutsu, the explosions would blow the lava apart, and hopefully send some of it back at her.

However, Hiruzen's jutsu went nowhere near Sasori or Orochimaru. Instead, the winds swirled around the elite ninja, forming a howling spherical wall. Why would the _Hokage_ want to cut them off from reinforcements? What advantage did he gain from an airtight barrier around the battlefield? Sasori could just flood the area with poison gas!

Mei has two kekkei genkai. Lava style, and corrosion style. Sasori returned the lion's share of his attention to the Mizukage just in time to see her complete a sign chain and spit not more lava but a cloud of green-blue vapor that began to spread across the ground. As the gas built up, spewing from Mei in an impossibly long breath, a gentle breeze from Hiruzen's palms sent the likely deadly cloud drifting sullenly toward the Akatsuki agents. The gas hit the puppets' chakra shielding, and started _eating away_ at the _chakra_.

"Orochimaru," Sasori hissed, backing cautiously away from the dangerous cloud as his puppets sacrificed themselves to buy him time, "Gas!"

"I know!" The sannin growled.

"Deadly acid gas!"

"I _know_!"

"Then _do_ something about it!"

"I'm _trying_ ," Orochimaru insisted, "This is ridiculous. How the hell does a summoning jutsu even get 'tilt', any- finally!" The sannin finished his sign chain with a flourish, and stomped on the roof, spreading a tracery of seals racing outward. "Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei!"

* * *

In the Distortion World, the fourth Hokage vanished from Arceus' telekinetic restraints like the ghost had been erased from existence.

* * *

Heavy, stone coffins rose from the seals like tombstones, casting three heavy shadows over the missing-nin. The lids slowly creaked open, allowing the beings contained within to step out, before the coffins disappeared in bursts of smoke. "I was really hoping to put a little more drama into this," The snake master grumbled as he drew three kunai carrying the forbidden summoning jutsu's control seals. Thrusting the first one home, he gestured forward. "Tobirama, hose down that mist before it gets to us, then attack Hiruzen and the Mizukage." A step to the left, and he applied the second seal. "Hashirama, if you can do something about the mist, do it. Otherwise, skip to step two and kill the Third Hokage and the Mizukage." Three steps to the right, and he raised his final control seal. Before he could stick in into the summon's head, a papery, flaking hand shot up and caught his wrist in an iron grip.

"Did you know that I studied the edo tensei as part of my sealing mastery?" Namikaze Minato asked conversationally, "I've never used it, but I am quite familiar with the theory. You can't summon someone with more chakra than you with any summoning jutsu. Thus, the first Hokage and second Hokage are limited, both in power and in strength of will. I have _less_ chakra than you." The undead Hokage tightened his hand, grinding delicate wrist bones together. "I was in the middle of something important. Still, I suppose I should thank you. I'll have another opening this way, as soon as I kick your ass."

"Come now, Minato," The sannin wrenched his arm free and hopped backward, holding the Kusanagi in a defensive guard, "Don't you think it's a bit presumptuous to assume you're going to win this?"

"It really, really isn't though…"

* * *

 **A.N. Arceus had them on the ropes, all hope was lost, and then? Orochimaru to the rescue!**

 **Who thought they'd be reading that sentence outside of a crackfic?**

 **And for those of you who are ticked that Itachi went down so fast, I have this to say. In the Iliad, the gold standard of pre-gunpowder badasses in sword and sorcery, Achilles, considers himself to be having a good day when he kills thirteen Trojan soldiers. Thirteen. In a day.**

 **Itachi, also a pre-gunpowder sword and sorcery badass, killed thirty skilled warriors in less than ten minutes, and then fought a biju and laid some serious hurt on the demon. Yeah, that's still incredibly impressive.**

 **Also, most of the Edo Tensei mechanics mentioned are headcannon. They make sense to me, though.**


	26. The Binding Chains

**A.N. The first Reflections of Exile OC popularity poll is up! Vote now for your favorites! The winners almost certainly probably won't die horribly or get maimed to the point of permanant disability!**

 **The ideal backing track for this chapter is 'Jinchuriki', from the Naruto OST. 'The Guts to Never Give Up' would work too.**

* * *

When Sasori saw a stream of water arc overhead to his left and douse the incoming acidic gas, taking it out of the air, he figured things were finally going right. He was quickly disabused of the notion.

"Your mother was a whore," The Akatsuki agent didn't recognize the voice, but it sounded _very_ exasperated and more than a little bored, "Hello again, Sarutobi. Wish I was seeing you under better circumstances. Monkey-man."

"…What the- Tobirama-sensei?!" Hiruzen croaked, "Wha- How?"

"Bad news is, your former student knows the impure world resurrection summoning. The good news is, you're a terrible teacher. He's really, really bad at it," A lanky, white-haired man in archaic armor stalked out of the wispy remains of the acid mist, "Told me to take care of the gas, and then 'attack the third Hokage and the Mizukage'. Didn't bind my will enough to restrict my initiative, though… Say, does smearing your student count as assaulting your reputation? I think it does. The oily bastard never specified _how_ I was supposed to attack, and insults are the least harmful way to go about it."

"Sorry, Sarutobi, but he told _me_ to kill you and the Mizukage. Not a lot of wiggle room there," The owner of the _other_ face to the left of Hiruzen's on the mountain stepped up to join his brother, "Wow, you've gotten old. I'm pretty sure Orochimaru forgot that when I died the second Mizukage was still in power, though, and he was like fifty. I don't actually know who Kirigakure's leader is right now."

"Lord Hashirama, if I may? The current Mizukage is Yagura, the three-tails jinchuriki," Mei piped in with a sly smile, "He's a scrawny little runt with pink eyes, a big scar down his left cheek, and a long, thorny staff. Likes to murder people for having kekkei genkai, although he got _way_ more reasonable a few months ago for some reason. He should be back in Kiri right now."

"Huh. Okay. I'll just go hunt him down then. After all, I can't be in two places at once if I want to take down Kage-level opponents with a sixteenth of the chakra I had while alive," The undead first Hokage reasoned, "You've got until I come back to find a way to stop the edo-tensei, Lord Third, assuming Kiri doesn't figure something out."

'Thuk-thuk-thuk-BOOM!' Orochimaru flew across the rooftop, until one of Sasori's puppets broke his fall. Staggering upright, the sannin pulled a kunai out of his chest, one that all of the living ninja recognized on sight. The three-pronged point and seal-inscribed handle were instantly recognisable, assuming you'd been alive in the past twenty years.

"Fuck this. I'm out," Sasori decided, "Sucks to suck, Orochimaru."

"What? You think you can get away?" The sannin yanked another kunai out of his thigh, "I probably can, but you're no match for Minato now that he's freed himself from my control. And if you leave me here I will hunt you down! Assuming our leader doesn't get to you first for abandoning your partner!"

"Well, somehow I find myself more afraid of the biju-murdering Fourth fucking Hokage than you or our leader," The rogue puppeteer spat, "Also… I figured attacking a major village with only two S-ranked ninja on our side was a really stupid idea, so I may be operating my puppets with a remote control seal from a cave in grass country. For what it's worth, I'll probably miss you when I get a less professional partner." Sasori's puppets collapsed, and then vanished in puffs of smoke as their master triggered his emergency retrieval seal.

Flash.

Before Orochimaru could speak another word, Namikaze Minato appeared in front of him in a flare of yellow, and slammed a rasengan into the snake summoner's face. The whirling sphere of chakra chewed through a paper-thin layer of _something_ , before grinding into flesh and bone. Amazingly, after only a few inches of penetration, the jutsu skipped off of its victim's bones. A few inches was still enough to be fatal, but…

"That wasn't Orochimaru," The fourth Hokage declared, "The only thing I've ever hit with a rasengan that felt like that was this crazy guy from Kiri. He kept pulling his own bones out through his skin and throwing them at me, and took an absurd amount of punishment to put down."

"Damn, one of those loons? I don't suppose you've been hiding how Orochimaru had the dead bone pulse kekkei genkai all these years, third Hokage?" Mei asked, already anticipating the negative answer, "Then… Where the hell is he?"

"Not our biggest problem, as strange as it feels to say that about my former student," Hiruzen decided, "There's a biju. It needs to be stopped."

"Still not your biggest problem," Tobirama cut in, "Does anyone else see my head smoking?"

It wasn't, not exactly. That particular noise and sensation, Minato identified through long experience as the sound of a very complex and chakra-intensive seal about to go off. The fourth Hokage's eyes met his predecessor and successor's for barest seconds…

And the Yellow Flash whirled, slapped a hairaishin seal across Mei's forehead, and hurled a kunai outward with all his strength.

Flash.

Terumi Mei sat up on a rooftop, gaping openly at the roiling cube of black where she assumed she had been seconds ago, halfway across the village. As she watched, the dark solid sullenly faded from view. Left behind was a perfectly square crater, as though some cosmic cookie-cutter had taken the house she had been on and a fair portion of the surrounding area out of existence. A matching cube had appeared and vanished a few hundred yards from Konoha's walls. Of the Hokage, living and otherwise, there were no traces save a single, three-pronged kunai embedded in the tiles by her feet.

The aspirant Mizukage considered her options. On the one hand, fighting a biju is a daunting proposition no matter how skilled you are. On the other, the current Hokage had, for whatever reason, sacrificed his life to preserve hers. And there were still mist ninja back at the arena. Kiri couldn't afford to lose Hiramekarei or those genin; all of them were clearly future jonin, and thus irreplaceable.

Sigh. Biju fighting it was. Pausing only to scoop up and stow the fourth Hokage's kunai, Mei leaped off the roof, bounding back toward the arena. The first enemy ninja to get in her way never knew what hit him. But his teammates had a little forewarning, and one of them had a whistle… _Sigh._

* * *

 _Sakura? What's the plan?_

"What?! Why are you asking me?"

"You did come up with the last one," Sasuke murmured, eyes fixed on Shukaku, "It worked too, sort of."

"Of course I don't have another plan!"

"Whaaat? But you always have a plan!" Naruto exclaimed, completely foiling his team's attempt to keep Shukaku out of the loop, "C'mon, tell us already!"

"Well, _excuse me_ for assuming that blowing his arms, legs, and head off with _high explosives_ would be fatal!" She growled, "What happened to Mr. Top-of-his-class-super-genius? I thought Uchiha knew everything!"

 **"Thank you for reminding me of that, by the way,"** Shukaku effortlessly recaptured the panicking genin's attention with a single purred sentence, **"Yeah, before I was just gonna kill ya. But then you had to go and do that. Sure, I can take it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. So now, Imma enjoy it. Starting with you, pinky."**

 _We need to fall back._ Ha pointed up, at where Hokori's dragon pulse and Danketsu's punches were hitting Shukaku, doing absolutely nothing worth mentioning. _Unless someone's sitting on an ace in the hole, we're out of ways to hurt him._

"Hell no!" Naruto disagreed, "Hokage never run!"

"We're not running," Sasuke 'clarified', "We're falling back to find reinforcements. Hokage have done that."

 **"Oh, like I'm going to let you run. Let's see here,"** Faster than the genin could react, claws of sand lashed out from the ground, ensnaring Naruto and lifting him close to the biju's face. **"You little ants blew my arms off. Tell me, human, how attached are you to yours?"**

* * *

"Aaaugh- What the hell am I doing back here?!"

 **"You blacked out, human."**

"What?! I would never! Not in the middle of a fight!"

 **"It seems getting your right arm ripped off by that damn tanuki was enough to overcome even your suicidal pain tolerance,"** The nine-tailed fox leered down at his jailer, and huffed in disgust, **"I suppose not humiliating us both in front of Shukaku was too much to ask. Keh, I'll never hear the end of it now."**

Naruto poked his right arm with his left. It was pretty clearly intact. "Uh, are you… sure?"

 **"Of course I'm sure! We're in your head, human. You look like you think you should, and right now you think you have two arms. You'll adjust once you've seen yourself in the mirror a few times."**

"Uh, I've always healed from other wounds. Can you like supercharge that and grow my arm back?"

 **"…Possibly? I've never tried. But I'm not gonna."**

"What? But I thought you hated Shukaku! Don't you want me to kick his ass?!"

 **"Of course I do! Why do you think I stopped interfering with your jutsu? For this fight only, mind you."**

"But I still got the fish!"

 **"Oh, yes, the great Uzumaki Naruto** _ **never**_ **makes mistakes."**

"So then why won't you try to grow my arm back?"

 **"You won't stop risking your life to protect your friends and village just because of a crippling wound. This way, you're more likely to die and set me free. I am keeping you from bleeding out though, and- Oooh, Shukaku just crushed your legs. Ow, shared senses aren't always my friend. Well, at least they're still attached, even if that makes them hurt more."**

"Ser- Rrrgh! No time for this! Look, just give me some chakra," Naruto restrained himself with visible effort, "That way I can at least do something! I'll open your seal a little more. That'll get you closer to going free too, right?"

 **"Er… That's the thing,"** The fox's eyes darted from side to side, before he dropped his head to his paws with a gusty sigh, **"I can't."**

"What?! But you're the nine-tailed demon fox! King of demons! What happened to Mr. 'I'm eternal and all powerful'?!"

 **"If I was all powerful, I wouldn't be stuck in here, mortal. We loosened the seal very recently. We can't try again so soon. The seal literally won't turn. As much as I'd like to, I can't give you more of my chakra or get you back in fighting shape. That said, I'd really like to see Shukaku get his ass kicked, so know I'm actually rooting for you this time. Not that I expect it to help."**

"Well, does he have a weakness or something? You've known him a long time, right?"

 **"Shukaku and I go way back, yeah. But I always beat him by just hitting him 'till he stayed down. Except the time he dropped Wind Country on me. That really sucked."**

"Wait, all of Wind Country?"

 **"Sure felt like it. Took me months to dig out of all that sand."**

"Damn! Well, thanks for nothing, fox," Naruto muttered, beginning to fade from his mindscape, "Probably won't be seeing you again, so fuck you and I hope you're stuck in my corpse for like thousands of years!"

 **"May you suffer the loving affection of all my demon fleas!"** The kitsune retorted, rattling the bars of his cage with a tail swat, **"Damn fourth Hokage, ruins all my fun. How'm I supposed to show up Shukaku like this?"**

* * *

"Arrrr! Kami damn it this is cheap! Put me down dattebane!"

 **"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE,"** Arceus muttered, glaring down at Uzumaki Kushina as she struggled impotently in His telekinetic grip, **"THE INTACT SOULS OF THE DEAD ARE NOT MEANT TO LINGER. PASS ON."** Kushina vanished instantly, and the Creator turned his attention to the other ghost. **"AND AS FOR YOU, MY DAUGHTER, I FEAR I HAVE DONE YOU A GRAVE DISSERVICE."**

 **"Let me guess,"** Giratina snarked bitterly, **"You went easy on me."**

 **"RAYQUAZA, IN THIS CASE, PROVED WISER THAN I. WHEN GROUDON AND KYOGRE THREATENED THE BALANCE, HE CAST THEM INTO A DEEP AND DREAMLESS SLEEP. I ONCE BELIEVED YOUR PUNISHMENT THE LESSER. I WAS MISTAKEN,"** Arceus bowed slightly, as though under an unimaginably heavy weight, **"IT WOULD HAVE BEEN KINDER TO ALLOW YOU TO SLUMBER, IGNORANT OF THE PASSING AGES. I WILL CORRECT MY ERRORS NOW."**

 **"Back when you sentenced me, I would have fought that to the bitter end,"** The dragoness chuckled bleakly, **"A thousand years after that, I would have leaped at the chance. If you had offered a century, even a decade ago I would have raised no protest."**

 **"THAT IS NOT CURRENTLY THE CASE? IT MATTERS NOT. YOU WILL BE SEALED, DAUGHTER. IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD."**

 **"You know, the humans have intrigued me like nothing else I experienced in my journeys through the real world,"** Giratina mused, sliding her eyes slowly shut, **"It is so interesting what bits of history survived the fall of the Leagues, and the warring clans."**

 **"I FAIL TO SEE THE RELEVANCE."**

 **"In a few minutes, you will never hear my voice again,"** The goddess pointed out, **"Humor me in this. The mortals do not remember the famous, acclaimed works of Edgar Allen Poe. 'The Murkrow', 'The Tell-Tale Shuppet', 'The Pit and the Haxorus', none of them survived. They do not even remember the man's name. But, in the irony of ironies, they know a single passage from a work that only dedicated academics ever read. Somehow, by some miracle, 'The Lay of the Renegade' withstood the test of time. Are you familiar with it?**

 **"Whenever you look into the mirror,"**

In the stadium dominated by blood and sand, Uzumaki Naruto's eyes slid open.

 **"And think of all that you behold,"**

Hissing with pain, the crippled genin rolled himself over and with his remaining responsive limb dragged himself to Terra's prison.

 **"Remember the one who watches you,"**

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sakura, tears streaming down her face, as she lunged at Sasuke with a kunai, dancing on strings of sand that pierced her skin. Sasuke, his hands charred and useless, his teammate held grotesquely hostage, could only dodge as best as he was able.

 **"Behind the metal, beyond the glass,"**

As Ha stared, trembling on his knees, at the crushed and useless remains of a locket, Naruto painted a set of kanji onto the nearest of Terra's restraints in his own blood. The sand fell lifeless to the ground.

 **"Surrounded by all she had and lost,"**

As Naruto pulled himself towards the next band of sand, a brownish-white orb began to grow in Giratina's beak, humming with power.

 **"Your blessings, her reflections,"**

"N- Naruto? What are you still doing here? You need to run!"

"Sorry, Terra," Naruto smiled grimly, "Even if I was the kinda guy to leave Hokori and Sakura and Sasuke, that's not an option. But if you can distract Shukaku long enough, they might get out. I… I just gotta last until then."

 **"Ephemeral nothings that you yet possess,"**

Arceus leaned in to study Giratina's ball of stuff curiously. It wasn't an attack; there was almost no energy in it, and she didn't seem aware of what she was doing. What was it?

 **"So rejoice you deserter beneath the lash,"**

"Naruto, listen to me," Terra's eyes darted to Ha, scraping the dirt for the fragments of his shattered dawn stone, and back to her summoner, "You won't free me in time. You aren't fast enough. We have but one hope left."

 **"So rejoice you thief before the iron,"**

"I do not know if this will work. The odds are long, my knowledge scant. But we must believe it can, or it will fail."

 **"So rejoice you murderer under the axe,"**

"You must focus on us. On our bonds, our shared experiences. I shall do the same. Show me, Uzumaki Naruto. What does 'Terra' mean to you?"

 **"The Exile's fate is not yours,"**

Giratina's sphere stopped growing, and her eyes snapped open, shining pale tan with a ki Arceus had never expected to feel again.

 **"While you look into the mirror,"**

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and thought, like he never had before. Terra was… safe. Solid. Her first actions had been to save his life. She had accepted him without question, protected him selflessly, and given far more than he could ever have asked. Maybe, if he believed hard enough, she could pull off the impossible once more?

 **"Recall who looks back,"**

Unseen to ninja or steelix, as both had closed their eyes, a spark of orange energy leaped from Naruto's shoulder to Terra's tiara. It struck a steely grey cat's-eye stone a few hands' breadths from the center of the jeweled crown.

 **"Behind the reflection."**

The sphere flared with blinding light, echoed by the Griseous Orb, and with no other warning transformed into a blistering beam of raw energy. The beam hit the barrier projected by Arceus' Plates, and passed right through it. It also ignored the resistance of reflect, light screen, and His near-impervious skin, carving a bloody trench a foot in diameter across His left side.

Arceus stood stock still in shock, as His side healed with supernatural quickness and Giratina slumped in mid-air, utterly exhausted. **"THAT SHOULD BE BEYOND YOU! I ENSURED IT! HOW DID YOU-"**

" **Haven't we al'dy established you don't know ev'thing?"** Giratina mumbled as she started to sink, **"Why 'm I so sleepy? Haven't slept since I died…"**

" **YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR FATE, DAUGHTER. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR OBLIVION!"**

" **Could use a nap 'bout now…"**

"No."

" **WHAT** _ **NOW**_ **?!"**

"I can't let you do that before you answer my question."

" **Bro, this is a really, really-"**

"You talk too much, Palkia. Learn silence. Maybe you'll keep a girlfriend then. Tell me this, Dad," Dialga rasped, his eyes narrowed in suspicion as he got in his father's face, "What was big sis' type?"

" **Uh, are you like making a Monty Arbok joke or something?** _ **Now**_ **?!"** Palkia chuckled nervously, **"She's ghost and dragon! Everybody knows that."**

"What did I just tell you, brother?" The kami of time whispered, "Answer the question. Now, Father."

" **HM, IT'S BEEN A WHILE. SHE WAS ALWAYS A DRAGON, BUT THE SECONDARY TYPING… FIRE, DARK, ELECTRIC, FIGHTING! THAT WAS IT. I MADE HER A FIGHTING TYPE, TO CONTROL THE BOUNDLESS ENERGY HER ANTIMATTER-SHAPING ABILITIES PRODUCED."**

"Dad, you're an idiot."

" **Don't say that to father, you dumbass!"**

"Shut up, Palkia. I know why. Giratina sure knows why. Now I'm explaining it to the rest of you."

" **AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT PALKIA AND I DO NOT? ABOUT THIS, SPECIFICALLY."**

"How long have you spent as a fighting type, dad? Your longest run."

" **UH, A FEW WEEKS? BACK WHEN I HELPED MEW DESIGN THE SWORDS OF JUSTICE."**

"No wonder. Fighting types are defined by their ability to face challenges, overcome them through training and determination, and so constantly improve themselves. They can't help it. They need to challenge themselves, and fight strong opponents. You brought a fighting type into a world where the only challenge was one she could never surmount: you. And you wonder why she went a little crazy and tried to kill you?"

" **I'VE MET PLENTY OF FIGHTING TYPES WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN IN BATTLE."**

"They challenge themselves in other ways, dad. Crusaders for social justice, academics seeking answers to big problems, they're still fighting in their own way. Sis was always a brawler, though, even now with her emotions almost gone and her personality warped by millennia of solitary confinement. You do know that humans have been known to go noibatshit crazy after five years of that, don't you?"

"… **REALLY?"**

"And as long as we're talking about you fucking up, this little conversation just shunted most of the lucario kingdom into nonexistence and paved the way for humans to inherit the earth. I've come to a new understanding of why Palkia kisses your ass so much. He's terrified you'll get inspired and screw him over in the name of efficiency in a vacuum. That's your problem, dad. You don't think about what your creations will do when they interact."

" **I-"**

"I mean, I'm fine, as long as I only speak when I'm managing time. Giratina was fine, until she figured out how her powers worked and needed a new challenge. Kyogre and Groudon were fine, until they met. Darkrai literally can't go near people without them dying in their sleep, and Yveltal can't even talk to awake people without killing them. The Tao dragon literally split into thirds when his best friends disagreed. Also, Celebi just told me right before we got here that Giratina's been sneaking out because she adopted an orphaned human, who was fighting a biju when we intercepted her rescue mission."

" **FIGHTING A- HOW OLD IS THIS HUMAN?!"**

"About twelve."

" **THAT- I- W-WHAT HAVE I DONE? I…"** Arceus gathered His power to part the veil between worlds, resolve rapidly firming, **"I SHALL GO IN HER PLACE, THEN, AND LAY JUDGEMENT UPON THIS BIJU. THE REST CAN BE ADDRESSED LATER."**

" **You may wanna hold off on that, dad,"** Palkia cut in hesitantly, presenting a screen to his family, **"Get a load of this!"**

" **WHAT COULD POSSIBLY ALLOW A TWELVE YEAR OLD, NO MATTER HOW SKILLED, TO STAND UP TO A BIJU?"**

" **Not much. But this might,"** The space kami speculated, **"I have no idea where they got this stuff, but… Just look."**

The gods of creation crammed themselves in front of the screen, Palkia warping in a worry seed to slip into Giratina's mouth.

" **Wha did-"**

" **Shh. Just watch,"** The white dragon pointed Giratina back to the screen.

" **Palkia, I don't have time for your inanities!"**

" **Jeeze, what is this? Dump on Palkia day? The kid's going to be fine."**

" **What could possibly persuade you of that?!"**

" **Naruto's key stone is resonating with Terra's steelixite."**

* * *

 **A.N. Think back to chapter 6. There were a lotta Chekov's guns in that chapter. Naruto got the summoning scroll, and the shadow clones. But he also got a little pin, with a rainbow marble, that he kept because it looked cool. He thought it might be related to a technique in the scroll, and then totally forgot about it.**

 **What key item do we know of that looks like a rainbow marble on a pin? An item that the last Hoenn champion might slip into his summoning scroll for his successor.**

 **For those of you who are curious, this is Primal Giratina's signature move. Think of it as focus punch mixed with seismic toss, explosion, and several thousand X attacks.**

 **Don't forget to vote in the poll! You wouldn't want your favorite characters to die horribly because I think nobody cares about them, do you?**

* * *

 **Annihilation Stream**

 **Special/Fighting**

 **Giratina gathers a sphere of antimatter, and then exposes it to regular matter. The resulting energy blast always deals damage exactly equal to the user's special attack stat, and ignores all abilities. If Giratina is struck by a damage-dealing move during the turn she uses Annihilation Stream, she loses focus and the antimatter explodes, dealing damage equal to Giratina's special attack to every Pokémon in battle that is affected by fighting-type attacks. If the user is not a fighting type, they must rest afterward to recover ki.**

 **Learned by: Primal Giratina (Lvl 45)**


	27. Beyond Evolution

**A.N. The ideal backing track for this chapter is 'The Raising Fighting Spirit', of course.**

* * *

 _"The kid's going to be fine."_

 _"What could possibly convince you of that?!"_

 _"Naruto's key stone is resonating with Terra's steelixite."_

* * *

A bright spark grounded itself in Naruto's shoulder, prompting him to hiss and twitch. Contorting his remaining arm awkwardly, the genin managed to pull the burning thing off his sleeve, to stare in surprise at the shimmering bauble, now glowing with rainbow light. The stone started spitting sparks again, and with a surprised grunt he held it up and away from his face. Jagged bolts of yellow energy leaped from the stone to meet streams of blue from Terra's crown, and where they touched both flashed orange.

As Shukaku started to turn, attention drawn by the strobing lights, sheets of prismatic energy coursed down Terra's body. The bands of sand that held her down strained, then failed as the energy began to retreat, leaving smooth, thickened armor in its wake. But rather than vanishing, the energy concentrated around the steelix's spurs and sunk in, converting the metal into chunky, faceted crystal. A pulse of chakra radiated out from the massive Pokémon as she reared up, grating at the fillings of everyone in the stadium as it drew loose metal to orbit her head in a halo of razors.

Her head at the biju's eye level, even with her lower third resting on the ground, Terra opened jaws wide enough to take the biju's head off in a single bite and roared defiance at the demon. A glowing sigil, a double helix shimmering its way through the spectrum, briefly shone between them and faded away. The steelix smiled grimly, displaying her maw of tombstone teeth. "So this is Mega Evolution… Shall we see what it does for me, demon?"

 **"How- How do you insects keep pulling this bullshit out of your asses at the last second?!"** Shukaku screeched, taking a few cautious steps backward. Facing someone around his size was a rare experience, and not one he was used to having so far from the deserts of wind country. Plus, a corner of his mind noted, he hadn't been able to physically damage the summon _before_ her transformation. **"What, have the gods decided your lives run off of anime logic or something? S'like something out of those ridiculous robot cartoons."**

"More or less. Personally, I was always more of a Sailor Cresselia girl. And now I even have my own transformation sequence," Terra reared back, fixing Shukaku with a scornful glare that, while insufficient to cause paralysis, froze him in place. "In nearly any other circumstances, I would be ecstatically happy. You are _ruining everything._ "

Terra's heavy slam hit the demon tanuki like a mega steelix hits pretty much anything too slow or overconfident to get out of the way. It wasn't enough to break through Shukaku's rock-hard skin, but it staggered him and crushed his jaw. Her segments rotating rapidly, Terra swept her tail around at Shukaku's legs. Where her crystalline spines made contact with the demon's body, it began to fall apart, sheeting sand over her, as the crystals began to glow. The biju's forelegs exploded, gushing plumes of grit like powdery blood. Most of the sand returned to Shukaku, but some was drawn off into Terra's swirling ring of metal and rock.

Highly unused to being on the defensive, Shukaku struck back, beating his massive fists against the steel type's head and tail. However, the same effect afflicted the demon again, forcing him to abandon the offensive in favor of clutching the remains of his paws in pain. **"What is this? What're you doing to me, bitch?"**

"Huh, would you look at that," Terra commented, crystals flaring brighter as a slow sandstorm began to spin about her. "I have sand force."

 **"Sand force."**

"The more sand I am exposed to, the more powerful I shall become," The summon eyed Shukaku contemplatively, "Can you even fight without touching me?"

 **"Fool! You scum have no idea who you're dealing with!"** A pitch-black ball of energy began to build in Shukaku's mouth, humming with heavy, demonic chakra. Terra attempted a pre-emptive counterattack, but, while mega steelix are nearly unstoppable, they are some of the slowest Pokémon of all. Under most circumstances.

Shukaku had kept Terra trapped for nearly ten minutes while he tormented the rest of Team Seven. While immobilized, the summon had not been idle. Like everything else they do, steelix cannot boost themselves quickly, but giving them time is exceedingly dangerous. Ten minutes was more than enough for her to curse and rock polish her way to physical godhood. All useless without the leverage to free herself, until sand force and Naruto's seals sapped the chakra holding her helpless.

Even after maximizing her speed, Terra wasn't particularly fast. However, her ability to move at the velocity of a sprinting civilian was enough to catch Shukaku off guard again. She pounded the arena floor with her tail, raising a jagged spike of bedrock to slam the biju's jaws shut… and set off the bijudama inside his head.

While Shukaku pulled himself together, the steelix slithered closer, covering her approach with a burst of dragonbreath. The fire wasn't hot enough to harm him on its own, but it did conceal her approach until her iron tail slammed into the biju's shoulder. Shukaku flailed at the offending limb as its crystal spikes ate away at his body, wrenching himself free after a few moments of frantic struggling.

Digging deep into his skill set, the demon took a deep breath, and fired a daunting barrage of wind bullets, each twice the size of a man. On and on the assault went, an impossibly long exhalation that Shukaku actually sprouted mouths on his back to feed. As the biju finally ran out of air, almost two minutes later, everyone around stared at the settling mushroom cloud of dust thrown up by the wind jutsu. Could any mortal have survived that?

Terra's eyes were tightly closed, and she lay unmoving on the ground. She wasn't breathing, but it wasn't entirely clear whether she actually _needed_ to. Then, the steel-type twitched, mumbling something in a language no one present understood. She rolled over, groaning, and her head clipped a chunk of rock thrown up by Shukaku's jutsu, sending it arcing high into the air to scrape the biju's nose. A purple-tinged ball of energy, accompanied by a grating snore, began to build in her jaws as she oriented herself in Shukaku's general direction, prompting invaders and defenders alike to scatter for absolutely anywhere else.

A beam of dark chakra lanced out from Terra's mouth, carving a glassy trench in the ground before tracing its way up Shukaku's body. The snake Pokémon's eyes slid open, and she gave a bone-cracking yawn as she regarded the destruction. "Wow. I needed that more than I thought. Thanks!"

 **"Did- Did you just sleep through my drilling air bullets? That's not possible!"** Shukaku stepped slowly backward, eyes darting about. There was a certain point when even his pride and bloodlust took the back burner, and that point was rapidly approaching, **"What the fuck are you?!"**

"…Metal and stone? I've slept through earthquakes," Terra taunted, "And collapsing mountains. Your jutsu doesn't really measure up."

 **"Hell no. Nonono. I'm not going back in!"** Shukaku abandoned all pretenses of courage, scanning the area for the best direction to run, **"Never!"**

"You don't have a choice," Terra slammed her tail into the ground, and the entire arena floor dished into an unstable pit of shifting sand. Only the areas directly under Team Seven stayed solid. "Sand tomb. No escape, Shukaku."

 **"Then I'll take your little friends with me!"** Eyes wild, claws scraping futilely for traction, Shukaku began to charge another bijudama, **"Hahahahaha! Die! Die die die!"**

"No. No one else dies at your claws today, monster," Terra thrust herself forward, swimming through the sand far faster than she could solid ground and surrounded Shukaku in her thick coils. The biju's skin briefly held, then broke, allowing her crystal spines to dig in and bind him fast. Terra squeezed, and Shukaku's mouth slammed shut, though he managed to avoid blowing himself up again.

The demon struggled and thrashed, but it did him no good. No matter what he did, Terra's deadly embrace ground steadily tighter, and the demon grew smaller, as her sand force siphoned his chakra. Mere minutes later, Shukaku's struggles grew uncoordinated, and he finally fell still. Slowly at first, then with increasing speed, sand sheeted off his form, raising a massive cloud of grit. Terra immediately ended her sand tomb; the treacherous footing might keep medics from reaching Naruto, Mew, and their team.

Gaara stumbled out of the dust cloud, clothes smoking… And Danketsu dropped from the sky to hover in front of him, her nose spike glowing brightly.

 _010111111111110101111100001111000101011110100000011010110101001_ _10011011110110110000111001010101110000010101011001000011111110100111110110110101100100100010000111000001001111001101100100110000110010 0100110101110101110110111110111_

* * *

The Konoha General Hospital was filled past capacity. The invasion had left over ten thousand (reported) injured, ninja and civilian alike. The result? Rooming arrangements that might otherwise have never come to be.

In one corner of the room, Uchiha Sasuke slept, his arms and left leg elevated and tightly bandaged. His parents and brother bracketed him, in similar condition. Reckless, self-sacrificing behavior seemed to run in the family. Perched on the bedpost over his trainer's head, Ha stared silently at the mangled remains of his locket. His sheathed sword sat on his lap.

In another corner, a pink-haired couple in fine kimono slumped against one another. Danketsu hovered overhead, watching her trainer with tireless focus. The woman wore a cast on her left wrist; the man's nose had clearly been broken recently. Beside them, seals hummed with chakra in time with the rise and fall of Haruno Sakura's chest. Unlike her teammates, she was barely bandaged. Normal chakra burns heal faster when left open to the air. Chakra burns from direct exposure to a biju's power were anyone's guess, but the hospital was doing the best it could.

On the other side of the room, Uzumaki Naruto slept, the bulky casts encasing his legs contrasting with the space his right arm had occupied mere hours before. A small party congregated at his side, most of them awake. Hokori slumbered coiled under the bed, his head curving up to rest on Naruto's chest. Jiraiya snored next to his godson, sprawled out in a folding chair.

And five beings stood in a loose circle at the foot of Naruto's bed; a pale, blonde man clad in a white kimono, a burly samurai wearing garish, pink armor and a long odachi, a dark-skinned monk shrouded in silver robes, Fuji Hikaru, his hiate-ate replaced by bandages, and a purple-haired woman, her thick, golden collar and black dress of a style that was retro when the Pokémon League was still operating. A nurse walked in, to check on the patients, and walked right through the circled beings. They seemed not to notice.

 **"Well, here we are, Father,"** The woman growled, gesturing grandly at the room with long, sharp ruby nails, **"You know what I ask."**

" **I DO."**

 **"You sure as hell owe me."**

 **"I DO."**

 **"Then what are you waiting for?"**

 **"THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE BEYOND EVEN I, DAUGHTER. YOUR SON'S INJURIES AND THOSE OF THE GIRL ARE AMONG THEM. I CAN ENSURE THAT HIS LEGS HEAL PROPERLY, BUT THE REST?"**

 **"You are joking. You can do anything you want!"**

 **"IF ONLY. YOU MISTAKE OMNIPOTENCE FOR BEING TRULY ALL POWERFUL. I AM CAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING. ANYTHING THAT I KNOW HOW TO DO."**

 **"…You have never studied human medicine."**

 **"EVEN WERE I TO DEVOTE MY EVERY FREE SECOND TO THE DISCIPLINE, IT WOULD BE DECADES BEFORE I COULD RESTORE HIS LIMB. BROKEN BONES ARE UNIVERSAL. THE REST OF WHAT HE NEEDS, LESS SO."**

 **"That does not mean we cannot fix it! Dialga can take us back! We kick Shukaku's ass, and no one gets hurt."**

 **"…We can't do that, Sis,"** The samurai spoke up, leaning heavily on his weapon. The monk laid a warm hand on her shoulder, eyes filled with empathy, **"That gets awfully close to erasing the consequences of free will. If we go back and save them, then either all those lives their sacrifice saved are lost, or mortals lose their ability to make decisions for themselves. Possibly. The cost of giving the mortals free will is that we have to let them exercise it... and take the consequences. The last one isn't certain, but the risk is there. Time isn't something you want to mess with, sis. And between themselves, and all those civilians, you know which Naruto would choose."**

"The alternatives," The monk rasped, "Are worse. Far worse."

 **"What?!"** Giratina's human avatar whirled on her brother, eyes glowing blood-red, **"How much worse could it be?!"**

 **"Really?"** Palkia raised an eyebrow at the monk, but when Dialga stood firm, he turned back to his sister, **"If we hadn't shown up, and kept you from interfering, Naruto would be dead within five years."**

"Seriously?!" Hikaru piped in, "Fucking hell! How is that even possible, with all of us watching over him? Well, just me and Giratina in that case, but you get the point."

 **"IF MY SON DOES NOT WISH TO SHARE HIS FORESIGHT, I AM CERTAIN HE HAS A VERY GOOD REASON,"** Arceus stated, **"YOU WOULD BE WISE TO TRUST HIM. ALONE OF US HERE, HE HAS NEVER GIVEN REASON TO DOUBT HIS JUDGEMENT."**

 **"Well, thinking logically,"** Palkia analyzed, toying with the tasseled hilt of his sword, **"Mew, you're not much of a fighter by legendary standards. Your special ability, the creation of life, doesn't have much combat utility. Giratina was limited by Dad's restrictions and, y'know, being dead. Dialga was apparently in on this, but the nature of his powers keeps him from acting directly in most cases. Out of all of us, he and Dad are most likely to break the universe by accident. S' why they have Mew, Celebi, and I do most of the divine intervention. You too, I guess, now that you're free."**

 **"Wait,"** Giratina's eyes lit with hope, **"Mew! You have the power of life! Can you heal him?"**

"If he was a Pokémon, no problem," Hikaru sighed, "And the broken legs, likewise. I've got that much skill in medical ninjutsu. If we still had the arm, I could stick it back on, but Shukaku ground it to pulp. I guess I could make a prosthetic Pokémon…"

 **"What did happen to Shukaku, anyway?"**

 **"I HAVE PASSED JUDGEMENT UPON HIM. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SLAY THE BOY SHUKAKU HAS TORMENTED FROM WITHIN SINCE BIRTH, SO DESTROYING THE DEMON WAS NOT AN OPTION. INSTEAD, I STRENGTHENED HIS SEAL. SHUKAKU MAY ESCAPE THE BOY'S BODY ONE DAY. BUT IT WILL BE A DAY MANY CENTURIES IN THE FUTURE, AND IT IS UNLIKELY THAT THE DEMON'S MIND WILL SURVIVE THE EXPERIENCE."**

 **"So, what happens now?"** Giratina asked, turning back to her father, **"Since there is no way we are returning to the status quo."**

 **"IT WOULD PLEASE ME GREATLY FOR YOU TO RETURN TO YOUR LEGENDARY DUTIES,"** Arceus declared, **"AS SOON AS WE DECIDE WHAT THOSE ARE. YOU WILL, OF COURSE, BE INCLUDED IN MAKING THIS DECISION. AS FOR NARUTO, WE WILL CONTINUE TO WATCH HIM FROM AFAR, AND DO WHAT WE CAN TO SUBTLY EASE HIS PATH. NEEDLESS TO SAY, YOU AND MEW MAY VISIT FREELY. HOWEVER, WE MAY NOT INTERFERE TOO DIRECTLY. MY FORESIGHT IS NOT AS CLEAR AS MY SON'S, BUT I KNOW THAT NARUTO IS DESTINED FOR GREATNESS. THE UNIVERSE NEEDS HIM, AND IT NEEDS HIM STRONG AND INDEPENDENT."**

 **"That… is not what I hoped to hear. I am going to move in with Naruto, and bring his parents' spirits with me. Even if they cannot interact, they have been very helpful, and if Naruto is as important as you say to the universe, he needs his father's jutsu."**

 **"THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. HOWEVER, THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION. THE BOY'S PARENTS COULD BE REINCARNATED."**

 **"I thought you needed to be dead a long time for that, and you didn't get to keep your memories or personality."**

 **"I AM CERTAIN I CAN TALK XERNEAS INTO MAKING AN EXEPTION."**

 **"But… Minato told me the release conditions of the nine-tailed demon fox's seal. One of the conditions Darkrai's emissary set is that Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina must be dead."**

 **"YOU ARE CREATIVE. MINATO AND KUSHINA EQUALLY SO. SURELY YOU CAN FIND A LOOPHOLE?"**

 **"Maybe… I will have to consult with them."**

 **"FOR NOW, LET US RETIRE TO THE HALL OF ORIGIN. NARUTO IS IN NO IMMEDIATE DANGER, AND THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF YOUR REINSTATEMENT IS LONG OVERDUE."**

 **"Just… don't talk to Silver,"** Palkia added, **"Trust me. If you let him break out the baby pictures you'll never get rid of him…"**

* * *

In a dry and well-lit cave, a silver-haired man wrung his hands, paralyzed with indecision outside a door plastered with biohazard and corrosive hazard warning labels. After a few minutes of dithering, the man pulled the door open and stepped through. Orochimaru didn't feed the messenger to his snakes. Frequently.

"Kabuto," The sannin greeted, turning from a table covered in sample tubes, "I take it the invasion of Konoha didn't go according to plan."

"…Results were mixed, my lord," Kabuto reported reluctantly, "The village's strength was greatly reduced, but most of their jonin survived, as did Jiraiya. Kimimaro was lost; the edo tensei backfired on him, and the reanimated fourth Hokage slew him. Sasori pulled out beforehand, and may think you're dead. The third Hokage did die, but he received the assistance of Terumi Mei, so Kimimaro and Sasori were unable to play a decisive role in the battle. Additionally, Konoha will likely be able to acquire an alliance with Kiri, since Minato and Hiruzen went out of their way to save Mei's life from our fail-safe seals. Essentially, they kicked our asses, sir, and with that alliance they may have come out stronger than they were."

"Wow. I figured we'd lose, but that badly… What happened to our infiltrators?"

"An animate statue destroyed the Hokage monument, and then got in their way long enough for the leaf ninja to organize a defense. I don't know what it was, but it wreaked just as much havoc on the enemy as us. We just had the misfortune of being closer to where it emerged."

"Well, we couldn't have predicted that," Orochimaru granted generously, "But what about Shukaku? How'd Jiraiya survive sealing a biju unleashed right in the middle of the village? And how'd Konoha fake their casualty reports so well?"

"They didn't," Kabuto stated, "Shukaku was engaged and defeated by Jonin Uchiha Itachi and Fuji Hikaru, genin Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke, a squad of ninja animals, and one of Naruto's summons, an enormous metal snake with unreal physical toughness and the strongest earth jutsu I've ever seen. The summon drew and ignored or countered most of Shukaku's attacks while the rest wore him down with high explosives and sealing techniques."

"Raise Naruto's rank to 'A' in the next hidden sound bounty book."

"I already have."

"Good man. But you are mistaken in one thing, Kabuto," Orochimaru said cheerfully, "We got exactly what I wanted from the invasion. The primary objectives, and some of the secondaries too."

"Um, if you don't mind me asking, what were those?"

"I don't mind. After all, I'll need your help with this," The sannin pointed Kabuto to his row of test tubes, indicating them one by one, "DNA samples. The last of what I needed. Hyuga Neji, for flexibility, speed, and increased information processing. Hyuga traits he possesses more strongly than any alive. Uchiha Itachi, for the most powerful Sharingan in the clan. Kimimaro, for those wonderfully durable bones. Myself, because as long as I'm cloning the perfect body I might as well make it look and sound like me. Besides, with my genes in it it'll be less likely to reject my soul. And the crown jewels:

"Uzumaki Nagato. After my experiments on Masato-kun, we know it's possible to switch between ocular kekkei genkai with the right modifications. For all his skill and power, 'Lord Pain' has had little formal training. He didn't know to guard his hairbrush like his life. I literally just asked to use the bathroom after a meeting, and walked out with a couple of hairs. And Fuji Hikaru. The infinitely adaptable genetics that will hold it all together. Come, Kabuto, my ultimate body awaits! And if this works as well as it should, there may be certain… upgrades in your future as well."

"You know my greatest reward is serving you, Lord Orochimaru," Kabuto flattered, as he snapped on a pair of sterile gloves, "But I would not be opposed to becoming a more effective servant. Shall we begin?"

"I see no reason to wait."

* * *

 _Two Hundred Years Ago…_

* * *

A teenaged onix, her narrow segments giving her a distinctly gangly look, 'admired' a ring placed about her tail. The band was of dull steel, with a large, grey, toothpaste marble set in the place of honor. It was plain. It was cheap. It was definitely ugly.

It had also just been given to her as a birthday present by Celebi. One does not turn down gifts from a god. And one certainly doesn't tell a god they have bad taste. Especially if they inexplicably turn up at your birthday party.

'Maybe,' She considered, 'If I wear lots of other jewelry, people won't notice this one. And if I do a lot of sparring practice, the band'll get beat up fast. Then, I can at least replace that without looking rude.' That could work. And the stone itself wasn't that bad, now that she'd had a closer look. It was still painfully plain, yes, but something about it… spoke to her.

* * *

 _Seven Months Ago…_

* * *

Stolen scroll strapped to his back, Uzumaki Naruto leaped and bounded through the trees surrounding Konoha. As far as he could tell, he wasn't being pursued, yet at least. Perfect.

Without a clean get-away, he'd never have enough time to learn a jutsu from the scroll. He'd never pass the academy exam. Never become a ninja.

Silently, careful to stay in the human's blind spot, Celebi dropped down to hover above the scroll. Withdrawing a tiny pin topped by a rainbow stone from the brown satchel at her side, the time-travelling Pokémon slipped it into the scroll. Her work done, Celebi vanished into the future.

* * *

 _The Present…_

* * *

On his way out the door of the hospital room his adoptive nephew occupied, behind most of his family, Dialga paused for a moment near a patch of shadows. A small, green hand extended from the darkness, and the kami of time bumped fists with his disciple. All according to plan.

* * *

 **A.N. This chapter came out rather quickly and easily, mostly because I've been planning to have these scenes, essentially unchanged, since the very beginning. So here! Have a chapter.**

 **Thus ends the first arc of Reflections of Exile, what I've been calling in my plot notes 'the Invasion Arc'. The scene is set, the major characters have all made appearances (or at least been masterminding onscreen stuff), and I've just gotten through the last of the plot that'll bear much resemblance to canon. Yep, that's right. This is the _most_ canon-compliant part. The 'Clouds Arc' is about to begin, and things are going off the rails.**

 **Don't forget to vote in the OC and divergent character popularity poll. Characters with lots of votes are much less likely to die!**

 **And speaking of OCs, the Second Great OC Search has officially begun! With Zetsu in hiding, Itachi still working for Konoha, and Tobi sleeping with the fishes, there's an opening in Akatsuki for any OC that thinks they've got the stuff. The most awesome, creative, and well-thought-out submission will appear in Reflections of Exile as a member of the biggest bads in Naruto!**


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